by JJ Ross
“No. Not like that…just…”
“So what is it Drew?” I questioned. Did he want the same things I wanted? Did he want to take me up the stairs and throw me onto my bed, because that is exactly what I wanted him to do? That is exactly what I had imagined while I waited on him to get there.
“Damn it, Sonny…I can’t explain it to you. There’s just something about you and me together. I feel like I need to be with you all the time. The second you left, I felt that feeling of something missing and it’s only filled when I hold you or when I’m near you. I tried soooo long to deny this, but now, I can’t anymore.”
I was flattered. He quickly kissed my cheek and grabbed the door handle to open the door. I lightly rested my hand on his to stop him.
“I don’t want you to go,” I whispered, “Stay. Please. Maybe… we could... I mean…come upstairs with me, Drew,” I pulled him gently toward the stairs.
“What do you think will happen, Sonny?” He stopped me.
“I don’t know…I just…..”
“My brother is my best friend. I have continuously hurt him, and he doesn’t even know it!” he whispered sharply. He lightly punched the door in frustration. I blinked at his quick little burst of anger.
“I want to be with you. Please Drew, stay. Try. For me,” I pleaded. He studied my face and then shook his head, almost as if he were disgusted. I hoped I was reading that look wrong.
“Sonny, I will talk to you tomorrow or something. Happy New Years,” he swung the door open and took a step forward.
“So, just like that? You’re just gonna go?” I asked stepping into his path.
“Sonny,” he sighed heavily, “this is getting complicated. You’re not exactly available, you know.”
“I’m not stupid, Drew. I know…I just…”
“What? You just…” he waited for me to fill in the blanks.
“Like I said before, what if I am making a mistake with Chance?”
“What if the mistake is actually me?” he asked, “You can’t have both. You can’t just take the best parts from each of us and act as if you have the complete guy. I won’t play games, Sonny. It’s all or none and I know you are not ready to break up with Chance, are you?”
I stood glaring at him without saying a word. What could I say? Was I trying to combine the best of both worlds? I blinked forcing the burn of tears away. Crying was not an option at that point.
“That’s what I thought. Your silence speaks volumes,” he said finally as he stepped forward again, “I’ll call you.” He closed the door behind him. I knew that it would probably be a while before I saw him again. He was heading back to school and wouldn’t be back until probably spring break.
At this point, I doubted he would even call, let alone message me.
Keeping feelings, for someone like Drew, all to myself, was a chore. I had to choose my words wisely or dance around any conversation that involved him. When Drew came up in conversation, I could feel my ears burn and I immediately shut my mouth, from fear that I would say something that would give a slight hint as to the ache he caused my heart. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to give myself to him more than I had ever wanted to give myself to Chance.
But, I acted as if nothing had happened when I was with Chance, or anyone else for that matter. I acted as normal as possible. However, when I was sitting at my computer doing homework, I couldn’t help but teeter over the button that opened my instant message window. Then, after it was almost too much to not talk to him, I finally gave in one Saturday afternoon.
I sent him a text while I was doing homework.
Me: What are you doing?
A long pause. He probably wouldn’t respond anyhow. I was convinced he was avoiding me.
Drew: Nothing, really. You?
Me: Homework.
Drew: Me too. Homework and watching football highlights.
Me: So, are you coming home for spring break?
Drew: No clue, that’s over 2 months away.
I hesitated.
Me: I really want to see you when you come home.
Drew: I don’t know if that is such a good idea.
Me: Why?
Drew: Because, I think we have already crossed enough lines.
Me: Oh yeah? Such as…??
Drew: Stop it. You know what I’m talking about.
Me: Drew. I want to give you and me, a chance.
Drew: And what about my brother?
Me: I don’t want to say that I don’t care about him…but I don’t think that Chance and I still work.
Drew: Because of me or because you two are really not working out? According to him, things are “fine”.
Me: No, because it’s not the same with him. You know what I mean?
Drew: I guess. I just think that you and I are treading dangerous waters…
Me: I want to be with you (I was being bold)
Drew: I can’t lie and say I don’t feel the same way, but that doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t make this or any of it right.
Me: Why do you want to be this good guy all of a sudden?
Drew: When I got arrested my senior year and had community service, I had a lot of thinking to do and I made a decision that I was done doing stupid shit.
Me: So this is stupid?
Drew: No, but we could end up doing something stupid if we keep talking like this.
Me: Tell me you want me.
Drew: I won’t.
Me: Fine. Tell me you don’t.
Drew: I can’t.
It was enough for me.
I blushed slightly as I stared at the phone screen. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and imagine him there with me. I wished he was there so that I could show him how I felt. I needed him to pull me close to him after a comment like that.
I was beginning to understand that I had feelings for him that far surpassed what I felt for Chance. What I was starting to feel was intense and mature, and beginning to make my relationship with Chance seem more of a puppy love.
“Sonny?” I looked up to see my mother standing in my doorframe. I lightly shut my laptop and looked up at her.
“What’s up?” I asked innocently.
“Can you please come down to the dining room? I need to talk to you about something.”
“Right now?”
“Umm, yes, please…” she turned and walked down the stairs. When her steps faded into the house and I looked to my phone. Drew hadn’t replied. I sighed, tucking my phone into the back pocket of my jeans. I guess there will be other opportunities. Well, I hoped anyways.
I walked into the dining room and stopped. Sitting at the table was Chance, his mother, and my mother.
“What’s going on?” I asked as I looked at their faces. Chance shrugged. I walked and had a seat by him. My mother stood up and faced Chance and I. She was quickly joined by his mother, Beth Anne.
“Maria, did you want to start?” she asked my mother. Curiosity had the best of me. I sat waiting patiently. I glanced at Chance who looked just as nervous as I felt.
My mother cleared her throat and looked at me, “I know that we have had discussions about things and I thought that you and I were on the same page. Well, Beth Anne and I have to take a different approach at parenting, because we have children of different genders, but one thing is the same. We want what is best for our children.”
I looked on in confusion as to where my mother was going with all of this. She noted my face, “Let me get to the point,” she looked at Chance, “Beth and I have kinda known that you two have been an item, but…” she stopped to consider her words.
“But,” Mrs. Mitchell interrupted, “we expected that you two would be a little smarter about your decisions.” I glanced at Chance.
How much did they know? Or, how much did they think they knew?
“What are you talking about, Mom?” Chance asked.
“I found this in Sonny’s room,” my mom said holding a small foil square in her hand. I realized imm
ediately what it was and felt the color rush from my face as I turned white as a sheet. She knew. They both knew. Well, they thought they knew. The truth was that we hadn’t…yet. It had to have been from the night that we almost went all the way. Almost.
Either way, I was mortified. Chance reached to me and took my hand to reassure me as I hung my head in shame.
“Before either of you attempt to deny this, here is what we know,” she stood up and walked in front of us, “Sonny, you and Chance have been spending a lot of extra time together and we have known you two have been together since before the winter formal. Now, Chance’s father and I had a discussion with him about being active and his father made sure he had condoms, just in case. Then, all of a sudden, Maria comes to me in a panic because her daughter has an empty condom wrapper in her room. Who’s could it possibly be? Low and behold, the same brand that Chance’s father had purchased to give him not too long ago. I don’t think that is a coincidence.”
I looked at my mother who was staring at me, with a hurt look in her eyes. I guess, in a way, I had betrayed her. She was probably waiting on me to say something, but I just couldn’t find anything to say. What could I possibly say? At this point, she wouldn’t believe me if I told her that we didn’t.
“Sonny, we talked about this and you assured me you were not doing anything. I mean, I am not mad, I am just disappointed. You lied to me, but most of all, what if you get pregnant? I want you to have the best opportunities possible.”
“Mom, I’m sorry, it’s just that…well…Chance and I do care about each other, but we didn’t…” I said looking to him for help.
“Mrs. Hoffer, I love Sonny. I know that you will probably think that we are too young and haven’t experienced anything, but we care about each other, and hopefully we will be together for a long time,” he squeezed my hand lightly as he smiled to me. I beamed at his affection.
My mother paced as she looked at us, “Beth, please say something. I don’t think they get it.”
She looked at us as she took a deep breath, “look, I got pregnant with Andrew in high school. I don’t regret that one bit, but I know that there are a lot of things that I was not able to do, to include going away to college. Luckily I had your father and he was supportive, but we were so young. There were so many opportunities that I missed out on. I do not regret Andrew, but I refuse to promote teenage pregnancy. I refuse to let you two throw away everything on stupidity and hormones!” she had raised her voice and was now looking at us for a reaction.
“Mom, I am really sorry,” Chance started in a quiet voice.
“Look, I know we had a talk and made sure you had protection, but, I guess I just never expected you to use them! I mean, I hoped you would use them, but I guess I wished there wouldn’t be an opportunity to!” She slumped down into a chair across the table from us, “Chance, I love you, but I want you to have a future, like your brother. We had enough issues with him, I can’t imagine throwing a newborn into the mix. I want you to go to college and play football, and be something great.”
“I know Mom,” he said sincerely, as he dropped my hand and reached across the table to hold hers, “I would never want to disappoint you. I’m sorry about all this and I’m sorry for sneaking around.”
“Sonny, is there anything you want to add?” my mother asked.
I looked at her and thought for a moment. What was left to say?
“So, are you saying you want Chance and I to quit seeing each other?”
“No. I just want you two to be a little smarter. Now, I have not talked to your father about this, but I will be telling him that you and Chance are dating. I think that we should leave him under the impression that his little girl is still his little girl, if you know what I mean. Chance is the only one, right?” she asked me bluntly.
I blushed slightly, “Mother!” I exclaimed quietly.
“Okay. I just wanted to make sure, I mean, I don’t want to pry, but I really believe while you are under my roof, it is my business.”
“I get it.”
“Okay. So, I guess you two should feel a little relieved, now that you two being a couple isn’t a secret anymore,” she said as she looked to me and Chance. I nodded in agreement.
“Okay, well, I guess we are done here. You two can go do whatever you were doing,” she said as she took a seat next to Mrs. Mitchell, “Do you want a cup of coffee?” she asked.
Mrs. Mitchell smiled as she nodded and looked to us. I knew they wanted us to leave so that they could continue the conversation without us. I quickly got up from my seat and pushed the seat in with Chance at my heels. I swung around the banister and began to ascend the stairs with him close behind.
“Door stays open, you two,” my mother called from behind us.
“Yes Ma’am!” we both chimed in unison. I grinned to him as I took the stairs two by two all the way up.
Chance was lying on my bed flipping through the channels on TV while I sat at my computer working on a paper that was due on Monday.
“Pretty crazy, huh,” he said to me without looking away from the TV.
I turned from my computer and stretched over the back of the chair, “I guess. I mean, I’m actually a little relieved. It kinda makes things a little easier, don’t you think?”
He dropped the remote on the bed next to him, “No. Now I feel like every time I look your way, they are judging me as if I would only look at you because I want you, sexually. I am not just some horny teenager; it’s different with you, Son.”
“Awe, thank you, Chance.”
“I mean it, I love you.”
I got up and walked over to him. I gently sat on the bed and rested my head on his shoulder, “you are too sweet.”
He kissed my forehead and went back to watching the show on TV. I sighed as I thought about what Chance and I had. He was my first real relationship, but was he my true love? Most people don’t end up with their first love, and I highly doubted that Chance and I would end up together. We didn’t stand a chance when my head was wrapped up in Drew.
Weeks passed and there was still no word from Drew, and I was back to burying my feelings for him. It had been a while and I missed him, but he wouldn’t respond to my texts with anything more than one word answers. Maybe I had pushed too much. Maybe I had said too much.
Chance and I were sitting in the den holding hands, watching a scary movie. Well, he was watching it, but my head was elsewhere.
“Chance,” I started as the credits filled the screen, “I’m kinda worn out. I think I am just going to go to bed.”
“Okay babe.”
I turned to walk away from him. He quickly grabbed my wrist and spun me to face him.
“I don’t even get a good night kiss?” he joked, tapping his cheek.
“I’m sorry.” I quickly pecked him on the cheek.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, “I mean, are we okay? You have been sort of standoff-ish,” he lowered his voice, “And it’s not about sex for me, and you know that, but we haven’t done anything in weeks. Ever since Mom talked to us.”
“I’m fine. I just need some rest.” I reassured him.
“Okay babe. I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”
“I’m fine…really,” I said as I forced a smile.
“Maggie agrees with me. You haven’t been yourself lately. What’s going on?”
“You talked to Maggie about us?” I exclaimed
“Who else am I supposed to talk to, when my girlfriend looks like she’s miles away? We’re worried about you.”
“We? What the crap?”
“And Drew said…”
“You talked to Drew?!” I almost perked up at the mention of his name.
“Well, yeah, but he wasn’t helpful. He’s been moody lately too.”
Drew was hurting as much as I was. I knew it. The one thing we both needed, he was avoiding.
Each other.
“Okay. So, spring break is coming up and we were thinking of tak
ing a road trip to the beach. You think you might want to go? Maybe it will pull you out of your funk.”
“Umm, I don’t know Chance. I really don’t think that my parents will let me go on an overnight trip, especially not for a week, and definitely not unchaperoned with you.”
“Okay…so, you’re just gonna stay here and hang out, or what?”
“Chance…”
“You’re not even gonna ask? Just stay here and stay in your mood? What the hell, Sonny?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re not even trying. This could be great for us to spend time together,” he persisted.
“Chance, you know my parents won’t let me go. Especially not my mom. After everything, I would be stupid to present my case for an overnight trip with you!”
“I am really getting tired of all the sneaking around we do. Your parents won’t let you stay out late and they won’t let you do this or do that. Ever since they found out about us, it seems like everything is different with us. They know we are together, what is the problem?”
“That is what makes it more of a problem, because now they will think that we would do stuff every chance we get to be alone together.”
“Who cares anymore!? We have already done almost everything we can….what’s left to worry about? They already think we had sex, so what does it matter when we actually do?” He raised his voice.
“Why are you yelling at me?” I demanded.
“I gotta go.” He turned from me in frustration.
“Chance, wait, what is happening? Why are you so mad? What did I do?”
“It’s what you don’t do!” he stopped at the realization at what he had said.
“Sex,” I whispered. It always came back to that.
“I gotta go Sonny.” He left, just like that, leaving his admittance of sexual frustration with me.
Chapter 11
We didn’t talk for the next week. I drove my car to school and he drove his. It was as if we didn’t know each other. It was miserable, but, in a way, didn’t I want this? Hadn’t I wanted the distance and potential break up to pursue my feelings for Drew? I tried to find the positive side of our fight.