Ginny Moon

by Benjamin Ludwig

  The train tracks are right in front of me on the other side of the fence. The train is coming too fast and there is nowhere for me to go. I run back to the Dumpster and climb behind it and press my body against the brick wall of the building and cover my head with my hands. The train is coming closer and closer and it is getting so loud that I want to kick and yell but there is nowhere to move because I’m in a small tight place. Then the train is here and it is so loud that I recoil and throw myself backward. I hit my head on the brick wall. It hurts so much and the train is so loud I can’t hear the words I’m saying in my own brain so I scream and I scream and I scream.

  EXACTLY 11:28 IN THE MORNING,

  TUESDAY, JANUARY 25TH

  There are three ladies standing with me in a small room with one window. There is a table in the room with a cushion top. A scale and some machines hanging from the wall. One of the ladies takes my watch. Another one of them puts a white plastic bracelet on my wrist where my watch used to be. I want to fight her but I’m so tired I can’t. Another one says they’ll give my watch back when it’s time for me to leave. It’s a rule that you can’t wear a watch or jewelry when you get admitted to the hospital, she says. And besides, one of the other ladies says, there’s a clock in every room.

  Which is true. I know because I remember.

  Because the hospital is where you go if they want to see if something’s wrong with you. I went to a hospital four other times. Once to this one when Crystal with a C tried to leave me at school. Then to two different ones before that when I ran away from my Forever Homes. What was wrong with me those other four times is that I was stuck on the wrong side of the equation. The wrong side of Forever. I had to subtract myself because I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

  But this morning I went back to the right side of Forever. I was with Gloria and my Baby Doll but everything was all wrong. I stayed fourteen years old and my Baby Doll was six. So I’m not sure what the problem is. I’m not sure why I’m still (-Ginny).

  “Let’s go see your room,” one of the three ladies says.

  One of them puts her hand up to touch my shoulder. Then she puts it down. And smiles. We walk out of the room. The lady with her hand on my shoulder points to a long hallway. All of us start walking.

  Because my room is the place where my bed is. It’s the place where I keep all my things. Which I’m guessing means I’m going to live at the hospital now.

  And that doesn’t make any sense at all. The hospital is not a place for people to live. You’re not supposed to stay. I didn’t get to live here before when I ran away and got kidnapped.

  I think and I think and I think. I walk and try to think about how this happened.

  How I got to the hospital is the police found me. They pulled me out from behind the Dumpster after the train went by. I tried to fight them but my head hurt too much from when I hit it on the brick wall. When they put me in the backseat of the police car they told me that a waitress from a restaurant called them. They asked me my name. I said I didn’t know. They asked where I was going. I said I didn’t know. Then they asked if I was the girl from the Amber Alert back in October and I said, “No, I’m the girl who went to have a little rendezvous with her Birth Mom but her Baby Doll grew up and has a different head.”

  They took me right to the hospital after that.

  “Here we are,” says one of the ladies.

  I come up out of my brain. We are standing in front of a doorway with the number 117 next to it. I look hard at the number.

  So I say, “But I’m only fourteen years old.”

  The lady smiles. “Come on in. You’ll love it.”

  We go inside. The room has a bed and a chair and a bathroom in it and a giant television. There aren’t any pictures of Michael Jackson. There aren’t any shelves. Two of the ladies help me sit in the chair and the other one looks at my hair. “Let’s get you all cleaned up, and then we’ll put a bandage on your head. You have a little bump.”

  I go with them into the bathroom. In the mirror I see my face but it isn’t the face I want to see.

  I scowl.

  The ladies take my clothes off and stay with me while I take a shower. After that I step out. They give me a towel to dry myself with. They give me a brand-new bathrobe. They help me put it on but I can’t tie it.

  Because the ties are in the back.

  None of this happened the last four times I was at the hospital. I just went into a small room and a doctor looked at me and that was all. Now they want me to live here and the strings on all the bathrobes are on the wrong side. Which means that nothing works right anymore. And I am definitely still on the wrong side of Forever.

  And the giant equal sign at Cumberland Farms must have been the wrong one.

  That’s why I’m still (-Ginny) and I didn’t get to be nine years old when I walked across it.

  But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find the right equal sign. I don’t know if I can find a way to get things back to exactly how they were before the police took me out from under the sink. And I remember now that I don’t really want them that way because I know that Krystal with a K will be safe after Gloria gets caught.

  When I come up out of my brain I am sitting in my new bed. The mattress is raised so I can sit up. The sheets are white and the pillow is hard. And Brian and Maura are here. Standing next to me on either side.

  I blink.

  “Hi, Ginny,” says Brian.

  I want him to run to the bed. I want him to say Oh my goodness, we missed you so much! and I want Maura to hold my hand. Like she used to.

  Instead they tell me that Baby Wendy is with Grammy and Granddad.

  I look at Maura. Her mouth is a thin tight line.

  “Can you tell us what happened?” says Brian.

  So I say, “Gloria tried to take me up to Canada.”

  “Did she try to force you into the car?”

  “Yes.”

  “How did you get away?”

  “I said no and yelled.”

  “You did?” says Maura.

  I nod my head yes.

  “Why?” she says. Then her voice gets louder. “Why, Ginny? Because we know you set the whole thing up. We found the cell phone outside your window. You’ve been trying to go with Gloria ever since you found her on Facebook. So why the hell didn’t you go with her when you finally had the chance? Why?”

  I don’t say anything. I try to be calm. Brian looks at the door and then back. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” he says to Maura.

  “It doesn’t matter? Of course it matters! I want to know why she didn’t go! I want to know why, after lying and stealing and setting the whole thing up, she didn’t go through with it!” Then she looks at me. “Gloria still has your Baby Doll, doesn’t she? Gloria still has little Krystal, right? So why are you still here?”

  My throat is tight and that was two very different questions but I know I have to tell them. “Because my Baby Doll is six years old,” I say.

  “You saw her, then,” says Brian. “Your sister was there when you went to see Gloria.”

  I nod my head yes.

  “But you didn’t get in the car with them.”

  I shake my head no.

  “Tell us why again,” says Maura. “Explain it.”

  “Because she’s not a baby anymore,” I say. “My Baby Doll doesn’t need me.”

  “That’s it?” says Maura. “That’s why you didn’t get in the car?”

  I nod my head yes again. “Plus I know Gloria’s going to get caught.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because she’s completely unreliable.”

  “Humph,” says Maura. “What did she say when you said you weren’t going?”

  “She said I was a real piece of work a
nd a handful. She said I’m too much and she’s just not enough.”

  “Really?” says Brian.

  Maura steps backward. Her eyes get big like Ms. Carol’s and a space opens between her lips. “Really?” she says.

  And that was the same question twice from different people but still I say, “Yes.”

  Then Brian says, “It sounds like she was angry.”

  “She was very angry,” I say.

  “What did she do after that?”

  “After what?”

  “After she said you were a real handful,” says Brian.

  “She told me to have a nice life.”

  “I don’t believe it,” Maura says.

  And again Brian says, “Really?”

  I nod my head yes.

  “Then that’s it,” says Brian. “So it’s all over?”

  “I wouldn’t count on that,” says Maura. “Not yet. But right now we need to know where Gloria went. Ginny, do you know? Do you know where they were going? We really need to find out.”

  I keep my mouth shut tight. Then I shake my head no. Because I don’t want to help the police catch Gloria. I don’t want to be the one who helped find her. The police can do that without me and then my Baby Doll—Krystal with a K—will be safe.

  “Well, we’ll let the police figure that out,” says Maura. “You’ll talk with Patrice about it, too, but it sounds to me like we finally might have some closure here. Some real closure.”

  “So I’m not going to live here?”

  “Of course you aren’t going to live here. You’re coming home with us as soon as the doctor has a look at you.”

  I look at the clock behind them. It says 12:42 in the afternoon but I don’t really believe that that’s what time it is. Nothing adds up anymore.

  EXACTLY 10:58 IN THE MORNING,

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26TH

  Patrice is sitting in her flower chair. We have been talking for approximately one hour. I didn’t go to school because there is some more business that I need to take care of. I am petting Agamemnon. Patrice put him on my lap again. He is purring and that makes me relax.

  “Well, that’s it, then,” says Patrice. “You’re going to get another chance.”

  I reach over to the table next to me and pick up another brownie.

  “Now that Gloria is completely out of the picture and you’ve proven that you don’t want to go with her, Brian and Maura are willing to give it another try. Isn’t that great?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I say.

  “Is there anything you’re wondering about?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I say again. I swallow and take a drink of milk. “Am I going back to Saint Genevieve’s Home for Girls Who Aren’t Safe?”

  “Not yet,” says Patrice. She smiles. “Maura was really surprised that you stood up to Gloria. All of us were completely shocked, really. But Maura sees it as a sign that things have changed for the better. In you. She’s willing to try now. She’s willing to let you stay and see how things go. So, as long as things keep on getting better, you’re not going to Saint Genevieve’s. You’re going to stay right where you are.”

  I look around.

  “At the Blue House,” says Patrice.

  I pet Agamemnon some more.

  “But we’re going to have to work hard to get you reintegrated at school. You stole three phones and ran away from Ms. Carol. We’ll need to write some ‘I’m sorry’ letters again. I think everyone will understand. Especially now that Gloria is out of the picture.” She drinks her coffee. “But we need to talk a little more about what happened. There are some details that are missing. Everything doesn’t quite add up.”

  I stop petting Agamemnon. Does Patrice know that this is the wrong side of the equal sign? I wonder if the details we’ll find will help me get back to the other side of Forever. I wonder if they’ll help everything work right again.

  “So you went to Cumberland Farms,” says Patrice, “and you had a lot of clothes and a gallon of milk in your backpack. It sounds like you were going on a trip. Where was Gloria going to bring you?”

  I don’t want to answer the question. Because where Gloria was going to bring me is the same as where Gloria went.

  “Ginny?”

  “What?” I say. When she says Ginny it sounds different like it isn’t my name anymore. I am still (-Ginny) because I’m on the wrong side of Forever. I’m still not nine like I’m supposed to be.

  “I asked you a question.”

  “Can you ask it again, please?”

  “Where was Gloria going?”

  “We were going to drive away with my—with Krystal with a K.”

  When I think about Krystal with a K my belly hurts.

  “It’s great to hear you use her real name. But Gloria was going to bring the two of you someplace. Do you remember where it was?”

  I stop nodding. I shut my mouth tight, tight, tight and shake my head no.

  “That’s all right,” says Patrice. “That’s all right. She’ll turn up at some point. But we really need to know so that the social workers can help her out. Remember, they went to visit Gloria a few times to help her take care of Krystal with a K.”

  “They were going to take her away,” I say.

  Patrice nods. “Yes, they were. But remember, that’s only because they knew she wasn’t safe with Gloria. You don’t want Krystal with a K to be unsafe, do you?”

  I don’t. But I know Gloria will get caught soon and I really, really don’t want to help make it happen. But that wasn’t what Patrice asked so I say, “No, I don’t.”

  “Are you sure you don’t know where they were going?”

  I make sure my mouth is shut tight and shake my head no.

  “All right, then,” says Patrice. “So let’s get back to the argument you had with Gloria. After you finally understood that the Other Ginny was Krystal with a K, the two of you got into an argument. Is that right?”

  I nod my head yes but in my brain the girl who told Gloria not to yell at her feels like someone else. Someone stronger than me.

  “What was the argument about?”

  So I say, “I told her how we do things at the Blue House because she was yelling. Then I told her her head was still the same and the only reason I wanted to get kidnapped was to keep my Baby Doll safe. From her. Then she tried to grab me and I yelled.”

  Patrice smiles. “It sounds as though you really surprised her. You told her some things she wasn’t ready to hear,” she says. “You’ve come a long way since you were with her, you know. You’re learning how to self-advocate and how to express what you want.”

  “But I wanted to be nine years old again,” I say.

  Patrice looks at me funny. “Nine years old? Why would you want to be nine years old? A big girl like you can do a lot more than a nine-year-old can.”

  “Because if I was nine I could still take care of my Ba—”

  I stop talking and rub my knees together and pick at my hands. Agamemnon shifts and stops purring.

  “Ah,” says Patrice. “Now I’m starting to see. That explains a lot. We’ve known for a while that you were locked into the role of parenting—parentified is the word—ever since we learned that Krystal with a K wasn’t a doll, but now we’re dealing with something a lot more complicated. You feel like you don’t have a purpose anymore. Before, you were anxious all the time because you thought your sister was still a baby and needed your help. Now that you know she’s not, it’s almost like your job was taken away. So this is the aftermath, for you. It’s a little like being unemployed, I think.”

  The word aftermath sounds really, really scary. So I say, “Is that why nothing adds up? Because I don’t have a job?”

  “I think so,” says Patrice. “If we’re understanding each
other. And believe it or not, I can help with that. It’s a really easy fix, too, as far as psychology goes. But let me talk with Maura first. It’ll be a pretty big step for both of you. For her, especially.”

  I don’t know what Patrice is talking about. I don’t want a job. I want to get out of the Aftermath. I am more confused than ever so I make a frowning face.

  “Listen, Ginny. By now you know that you aren’t going to live with Gloria and Krystal with a K. You tried and it didn’t work. Gloria wanted you back, but the truth is that she wasn’t ready for you, and she probably won’t ever be. And that’s the sad part. She wanted to be capable, but she knows she isn’t. So you need to stay with your Forever Family. They like you, Ginny, and believe me, it’s hard to find people like that. It’s much easier to love someone than it is to like them. So please, stay put!”

  I still don’t want to be where I am. I don’t understand what Patrice is saying. It’s too many words and I am still thinking about how I used to know where I belonged. Because I am still stuck on the wrong side of Forever in the Aftermath and I’m still (-Ginny).

  “Ginny?”

  “What?” I say.

  “What do you think about staying put?”

  “I don’t understand what it means.”

  “It means you need to keep living at the Blue House with your parents. They want you to stay. So you should stay with them. Because, trust me, the Blue House is a lot better than living with Gloria or at Saint Genevieve’s.”

  By parents she means Brian and Maura.

  “And you’ve got to stop stealing, but I don’t think that will be a problem if you aren’t trying to get kidnapped. Right?”

  “Right,” I say because when someone says Right? they always want you to say the same thing right back to them. But Patrice is a smart cookie.

  “Right what?” she says.

  “Right now,” I say.

  “Ginny, what do I want you to do?”