I sighed long and loud. “Fuck.”
“You’ll be alright, Cara. You know Aaron. He’s not one to stay angry,” he soothed.
When I opened my eyes, I grimaced up at him. “It’s not Aaron I’m worried about, Jason. It’s Will.”
He pressed his lips together. “Would you like me to call him?”
“He’ll never want to look at me again,” I cried dramatically.
“Cara, I understand you’re emotional, but you’re underestimating his feelings for you. Allow the man some room. He’s probably devastated you brought Aaron home with you after everything that happened between you last night. Lying about it can’t have helped, either.”
“I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I know. You haven’t really done anything wrong, but he’s definitely hurt either way.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him. I never meant for any of this. Jason, I’ve been so lost.”
“Oh, darling, I know.” He squeezed me tightly again. “Cara, it will all be fine. Just let him simmer down. You know he’s got an awful temper.”
Sniffing, I wiped my cheeks. “Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?”
“He might. Depends on your next move.”
His statement inspired some hope in me. “Please call him. I’m worried about him.”
“I’ll do it straight away,” he said and left a peck on my head before he crawled out of bed. “Shall I kill the lights?” he asked on his way out.
“No. I’ve got to get ready for bed, remove my makeup and all that. I just need a moment to gather myself first.”
“Right.”
I’d only meant to rest my eyes for a bit after he’d closed the door, but instead – exhausted as I was – I accidentally fell asleep. Then, a few hours into slumber, an obscure reality entered my dreams. Whether it was due to my imploration before he’d left or Jason’s call, I didn’t know, but I sensed the presence of the person I most longed to see, in my room and climbing into my bed. After wrapping his arms around me, he kissed the crook of my neck and pressed me against him.
Softly, he said, “I’m sorry, Cara. I didn’t mean for it to turn out like that. I know I have neither the right nor claim. But you have to understand that I’ll get jealous when you’re about to sleep with another man, especially after what happened between us last night. I don’t like that I react that way, but I can’t always help it. You drive me insane. You’re so liberal and modern and I – well, I’m not all the way there with you, but I’m trying to understand.”
I recognised the voice, but I barely stirred. I was far too exhausted to latch onto reality properly.
“I just wish you’d give me a chance. Every time you let me in you look… euphoric, and that’s all I want to give you.”
“Mm,” I uttered and snuggled deeper into his embrace. Vaguely, I heard him sigh.
“Sweet dreams, darling,” he whispered. Warm lips that made my heart skip a beat lingered on my temple. They felt to burn a mark in my skin, but instead, they’d burnt a mark in my soul.
26
GUILTY AS CHARGED
A familiar scent was the first thing I noticed the following morning. It whispered his name in the air around me, tempting me to wake to a reality that was even stranger than my dreams. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Darkness shrouded his figure, and I spent some time trying to grasp the truth of his presence. While I did, I noticed the surrounding silence. The guests must have left, but he had returned. Instant relief brought tears to my eyes.
My heart threatened to explode at the sight of him. My instinct was to wake him, to thank him for coming back, and to apologise for the mistakes I’d made, but when I saw the calm motion of his bare chest expanding and deflating with his quiet breaths, I could tell he was fast asleep. Since I had no idea of exactly when he had arrived, I didn’t have the heart to wake him. He couldn’t have caught much sleep by now, and it was all because of me.
Nevertheless, I couldn’t resist snuggling closer. Tracing my lips across the soft skin on the side of his chest, I left a trail of feather-light kisses. I hoped he would forgive my wrongdoings the way I had forgiven his. We’d both lied to each other, deceived and manipulated, and it had to end.
I wondered for a moment if it was fate that had become so angry with us for not combining yet that it had decided to punish us both until we would. But I wasn’t sure I believed in fate. What I did believe in, however, was chance, and – if he’d still have me – I was going to take it.
I smiled in the dark upon finally realising what his presence could mean. Hopefully, he’d returned because he sought to reconcile. Either way, I would insist on waving the white flag.
When he stirred, I jerked away, fearful I’d woken him. Turning onto his side, he continued to sleep peacefully, and I owed him a moment of it – of peace. After leaving a last tender kiss of good morning on his back, I climbed carefully out of bed to head for the bathroom.
After a shower, I sauntered into the kitchen, and I was grateful to see that Jason had cleaned up after himself last night. I was also grateful to see that nobody had decided to crash here because, after last night’s events, I was not in the mood to entertain any guests other than William. In fact, I was mortified. The thought of last night’s drama made me cringe to myself.
Unlike William, I didn’t have a jealous bone in my body, so I struggled to understand him. What made it particularly difficult was the fact that I wasn’t yet his to be jealous over. Then again, jealousy often didn’t abide by reason, I reminded myself. It adhered only to desire. So long as there existed desire for something or someone, jealousy could bloom.
So, I supposed that if a desire had established itself, jealousy required only one more thing in order to arise: something or someone had to be standing in the way of the fulfilment of that desire.
With that in mind, I conceived a possible explanation for William’s hostile behaviour towards Aaron last night. It was likely that he considered Aaron an obstacle, standing in the way of him acquiring what he wanted – me. Ergo, his jealousy had been triggered. His notion was erroneous, however, because Aaron wasn’t the one standing in his way.
I was.
When it came to Aaron, I was mainly extremely disappointed in him because I had expected better of him. Never in the three years I’d known him had I ever seen him sink so low. His attack on William, where he had also insulted me, had been the last straw.
I’d been totally shocked when he’d said that because it was a huge deviation from his general character. I’d never heard him utter such a foul thing about anyone before, and certainly not where I was concerned. I supposed that was why it had hurt me so much – to such a degree that I’d kicked him out.
I still hadn’t heard from him, but I hadn’t expected anything else. He would reach out to me when he was ready, and I wouldn’t initiate any contact before then. After last night, I was reluctant to do anything that might trigger further annoyance. He needed to simmer down first, so until he was ready to reconcile, I would leave him alone.
For three solid years, we’d managed to avoid drama like this. Then came William, wreaking havoc on our harmony. Part of me regretted kicking Aaron out last night, but another didn’t. Considering how terribly things had escalated, the last thing I had wanted was to be in his company.
While fetching myself a bowl of cereal, I sighed. A week ago, I hadn’t thought my clusterfuck of a situation could get any worse, but clearly, I’d been mistaken. Since then, William had managed to remove one of the obstacles standing in his way, which was my concern for Jason’s place in all this. Now he was trying to obliterate the next – Aaron.
But Aaron wasn’t standing in his way, and it irritated me that he was under that impression because, as a result, my dear friend was now getting caught in the crossfire.
The only thing standing in his way was my reluctance to pursue anythin
g romantic at this point in my life. Up until now, I’d been intent on focusing solely on my career. However, I had to admit that I was on the cusp of changing my mind, because my interest in him wasn’t showing any signs of wavering. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to repress my growing feelings for him. It was becoming increasingly apparent that they were here to stay, and the more I ignored them, the more chaos they created.
What made it all worse was that I knew for certain that he could tell as much. He knew as well as I did that I was slowly but surely warming up to the idea of being with him. I could deny it all I wanted with my words, but my actions exposed me. Had my interest in him truly been absent, it would not have presented itself this past Friday. I wouldn’t have kissed him in that club, and I wouldn’t have given him a single thought when Brian’s friend had tried to kiss me, either.
But I had.
Before then, he had actually relented in his efforts. Ever since I’d confronted him about his behaviour in his office, he’d left me alone. He hadn’t made any inappropriate comments, and he hadn’t tried to flirt with me for the rest of the week. It had been obvious that he had seriously intended to respect my wishes.
Then came Friday. Throwing caution to the wind, I had proved to him that my interest in him was far from dead. Of course that would trigger and reinforce his hope that there could eventually be an ‘us’. To top it all, I had been the one to initiate intimacy between us. There on the dance floor, I had intended to seduce him. Had I not done that, he would not have reacted the way he did last night. In all likelihood, he would have left without a single objection.
Of course he could deduce from that behaviour that I was feverishly trying to keep feelings that already existed in check. He wasn’t an idiot. On the contrary, he was one of the most perceptive men I’d ever met – if not the most.
Regardless, I was profoundly unimpressed with the behaviour of both men last night. They should have acted their age and allowed me to sort things out. Instead, they had gone for each other’s throats like they were still living in the BC’s.
“Bloody cavemen,” I muttered to myself with a shake of my head.
But I knew William had only done it because he’d wagered his chances were higher if he terminated those around me. One by one, he would eliminate each obstacle until only I was left standing. He was treating this like a legal case. As the solicitor that he was, he was slowly but surely shredding my arguments apart.
‘I’ve already got Aaron to satisfy my libido.’ Will had proved several times that he was more than capable of satisfying my libido, so there was no need for Aaron to do it instead.
‘I want to be single because I am too immature to focus on a relationship.’ I was certainly still immature, but whether I still wanted to be single was another question entirely. That argument was weakening by the second.
‘I can’t be with you because of Jason.’ He’d already eliminated that argument.
‘I can’t be with you because you’re my boss.’ According to him, we wouldn’t have to worry about that, and especially not when he was only going to be my superior for the span of three months. He insisted that, rather than stunt my career, he would accelerate it, and I was starting to believe him. After all, the man was a practising lawyer. He had connections, and he boasted an incredibly impressive set of skills, too. I’d already seen how much he could teach me, how great a mentor he was. I harboured no doubt that, if I let him, he would mould me into a successful lawyer, too. And, if we kept things under wraps until my placement was over, it was unlikely that dating him would diminish my chances of getting hired.
I sighed as I pondered over it. Which choice would I regret the least? Rejecting William or risking my career? Frankly, things had reached a point where, if I risked my career, I would probably regret it less. Besides, being with him might not even dent my career.
But what if things didn’t work out between us? A shudder ran through me. Hopefully, he’d stay true to his word and act civil. However, the more I thought about it, the more I doubted that we’d end up going separate ways. Like he’d told Jason yesterday, we were quite compatible.
Another important factor to consider was my feelings for him. Ever since April, all they had done was continue to develop. I had tried to move on for months, but it hadn’t gotten me anywhere. Time had shown that regardless of how hard I tried, my feelings for him could not be controlled – and ignoring them had done more harm than good. I might as well stop trying to fight them. In light of that, I was now willing to overlook the fact that he was my boss.
Truly, I felt like I was being put on trial, and he drove a ferocious prosecution. Now that he had managed to shred my entire defence apart, I could imagine him looking at me and saying something along the lines of, ‘Nothing is holding you back now. Accept that you’re guilty of wanting me.’
Guilty as charged.
“Morning,” Jason murmured when he sauntered into the kitchen, and I noted with some amusement that he was wearing boxers.
“Morning,” I quietly replied and stared at the miniature whole-grain doughnuts that floated around in the milk. “Wearing clothes, Jason?”
“Well, it seems a bit wrong to walk around naked now that you and William are in… whatever you are. Thought I’d show him some consideration.” Vigilant in his demeanour, he approached the kitchen counter, which I stood leaning against with my bowl of cereal between my hands.
“How considerate indeed.”
“Is he still asleep?”
“Yeah. Thanks for ringing him, Jason. I honestly can’t tell you how relieved I was to find him in my bed when I woke up.”
“Took some convincing. He was livid.”
I could only imagine. “What did you tell him?”
“That you kicked Aaron out after he’d left and that you were very upset, and that you wanted him to come back.”
“I appreciate that.”
While pouring himself a glass of water, he shook his head to himself. “I’m seriously sorry about last night, Cara. Had I expected that to happen, I would have refused to host poker night. Will was very drunk. I doubt he would have acted the same if he were sober. Plus, he’s a bit obsessed with you, I think. That can’t have helped much either.”
“No shit,” I muttered and glimpsed his figure from the corner of my eye.
“Either way, you’re going to have to make up your mind about him.”
“I have.”
Surprised, he turned towards me. “Really?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “Now that we’re on the subject, what’s your take on the matter, anyhow?”
“Honest opinion?”
“No, I want you to lie.” I frowned. “Come on, Jason.”
He folded his arms and gazed into the living room, and I could tell from the look on his face that he was considering various scenarios quite seriously. When he eventually faced me again, he resembled a parental figure, and it occurred to me that he was about to lecture me. “Well, what I’m most concerned about in all this is that if you choose to end things now, you’ll need to stick with your decision. And from what Will’s told me about your behaviour, I honestly doubt your ability to do that. No offence.”
My face contorted with shame. “When did you talk about this?”
He shrugged. “Last night, after he’d come back, and everyone had left.”
“And what’s he told you, exactly?”
“Nothing you’re not aware of yourself. But it wasn’t Will who pursued you on Friday, was it? From what I’ve gathered, it was the other way round, Cara. And he’s told me he meant to leave you alone before then.”
I pursed my lips. Eventually, I nodded to acknowledge that the truth had been spoken.
He sighed, but his expression was patient. “You can’t be doing things like that if you don’t mean to give him a chance. Poor man’s mad about you. An
d he’s told me he’s been unequivocal with you on that. It’s disrespectful, Cara. You need to respect his boundaries. I’ve already said it, but he’s not a toy. You can’t be playing with his feelings like that.”
He didn’t need to remind me that I wasn’t the only victim in this situation. After all, last night had made it crystal clear to me. Even so, I hadn’t expected to be hurt by the reminder, but I was. Regardless, I knew I deserved every last drop of it. While William wasn’t without fault, I despised myself for how I’d treated him, and I knew I ought to be held accountable for it. In the end, we were both to blame for how things had turned out between us, because neither of us had handled it well. ‘It takes two to tango,’ Mum whispered in my head.
Upset, I faced away from Jason and pouted. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to play with his feelings. I was just too confused to think clearly.”
“I get that, but it’s not me you should apologise to.”
I groaned. “You don’t find it even slightly odd that I’ve got to apologise to him for having a fuck-friend when we’re not even in a relationship?”
Jason shook his head. “That’s not what you need to apologise for, though, is it? You’re missing the point, love. It’s the mixed signals, Cara. That’s what you need to apologise for. You’re perfectly entitled to keep Aaron around. Will has no say in that matter. But he has a say in how you get to treat him.”
My pout intensified. “Yeah, suppose you’re right.”
“I’ll say this – he had no business dragging Aaron into the mess between you, but in Will’s defence, Aaron did put him on the spot from what I heard.”
“He did,” I confirmed, “but Will wasn’t exactly reluctant to take the witness box either.”
“Sounds like Will,” he said in sympathy. “Anyway, what’s the plan, then? Are you going to end things once and for all?”
I shook my head. “No. I’d like to give it a try with him. That’s if he still wants to.” Stealing a glance at him, I discovered him grinning from ear to ear.
Skin of the Night: Book One of The Night series Page 40