Measuring Up

by Nyrae Dawn

  “Want some ice cream?” Em asks as we sit at her kitchen table. Her house is just as big as mine, but so much homier. The table is small with only four chairs, but half the time she and her mom eat in the living room together while they watch their favorite shows. I like that. Mom and I don’t share any shows and while my dad is cool, he’s not much of a TV person.

  It’s on the tip of my tongue to say yes. I mean, hello, it’s Cherry Garcia, but then I think about those six pounds and how hard it was to get them off. How easy it would be to put them back on, and like Tegan says, each week will be different. There will be some, where I don’t lose, or I only lose one and do I really want to make it worse by cheating now? Nope. “No thanks. I’m not hungry.”

  She shrugs, scoops herself a bowl and plops down in another kitchen chair. “I can’t believe you let your mom do that to your hair.”

  I’m getting used to it now. It’s different, but not too big a deal. “You know how she is, plus, I kind of wanted to try something different.”

  “You wanted to or you knew she wanted you to?” Em takes a bite of her ice cream.

  It’s a little of both actually. I wanted something different. Wanted to try and impress Tegan which now that I think about it, is just lame. Like adding some color to a girl’s hair is going to change her? And the thing is, I don’t really need to change. Not that way at least. Tegan seems to like me the way I am too. But Mom? I know it meant something to her. “What difference does it make?”

  “Umm, I’m not even going to dignify that question with a response.”

  I frown because she’s right. “I love that I can always count on you to tell me like it is, Em.” Except when I don’t tell you something for that specific reason.

  “That’s what I’m here for. You’d do it for me too.”

  Again I’m hit with a slam of guilt. I’m lying to my best friend in the world. I should tell her. My eyes cast toward the table, I open my mouth to do just that, but she cuts me off. “There’s this asshole at the college who won’t leave me alone. Every time I turn around he’s there. It’s driving me crazy.”

  My head snaps up so I can look at her. Em never talks like that. If there’s someone giving her shit, she tells him off, retreats inside herself and that’s that. If anyone brings up Billy Mason or any of the other people at school, it’s always me. “What did he do to you?” It’s funny, but I always thought college would be different. That there, people wouldn’t give a shit what other’s looked like or if they had a stupid, insignificant birthmark on their face.

  “He’s just…” She’s stirring her ice cream, making Cherry Garcia Soup out of it. “He’s always trying to talk to me. Just always there, asking me what I’m listening to on my iPod or if I did the homework. He even tried to eat with me the other day.”

  She gives a look like I’m supposed to agree with her. Tell her what a jerk he is and that she should tell him off. “Well… maybe he’s nice? Maybe he likes you.”

  Emily’s eyes and mouth both widen into large “O’s”. “Please, Bell. You know as well as I do how stuff like that ends. There are hundreds of other girls at the school and he has the urge to talk to the girl in black with the screwed up face? I’m not stupid.”

  “Your face isn’t screwed up!” I say even as she rolls her eyes. “I’m serious. It’s not that big a deal and maybe he doesn’t like the other girls or maybe he thinks you’re pretty, or likes black, or you have the same music in common. You never know. Your birthmark doesn’t define you, Em. Maybe he’s just a good guy and sees that.”

  Like Tegan? I’m not sure if I would be saying this a few weeks ago. Well, maybe I would have, but I’m not sure I would have believed it.

  “Like you don’t think you’re defined by your weight? Which isn’t a big deal, by the way. I mean, you’re gorgeous, but do you see it?”

  “I…” It’s something I can’t really answer, because I can pretend all I want that I don’t care about my weight. That it’s not one of the major things I notice when I look in the mirror. That the first time Tegan says the wrong thing I didn’t automatically assume that’s where it came from. But the fact is, I’m not there. I’d like to think I’m closer. Maybe that’s because of Tegan and our work outs, but I’m still not completely there.

  It sucks.

  “It’s easy to give other people advice, but not always easy to know it yourself, is it?”

  I shake my head. “I still think he might like you though.”

  “And I still think he doesn’t. I’m happy with you and Mom. I don’t need anyone else anyway.”

  And the worst friend in the world award goes to…. Annabel Conway! Because as much as I need Em, I’ve found someone else I need too and I’m scared to death to tell her.

  ***

  As I’m driving to Tegan’s apartment, my cell phone chirps. I ignore it for a minute because I’m a little lost. He lives in the older side of town with thin streets, cars parked on each side so you have to maneuver between them and you drive down the same street and suddenly it has a different name. I’ve always wondered what the point in that is? Just call the whole stupid street the same thing. Like I’m not nervous enough about today. The last thing I need is to get lost or to run into a parked car or something.

  I look up and see the sign for Hillside Apartment Complex. Just as I’m pulling up, a car pulls away from the curb so I take the spot. It’s a medium-sized complex, what looks like a narrow alley running between the buildings with little single car garages attached. It’s definitely an older building, but looks nice and well kept.

  And I’m stalling by dissecting his apartment. Go, me.

  Then I remember my cell and pick it up. It’s a text from Tegan.

  Hey, A. With a client. Running a few minutes late. Go in. Mom’s there. See u soon.

  Um, no. I love his mom, but the only time I’ve seen her is pre-kiss. Things feel different now. I don’t even know if she knows we’re together. It’d just be too uncomfortable. And with a client? I thought he was off today.

  That’s okay. I can wait outside for u. I reply. It’s like five seconds later when my cell beeps again.

  Get ur butt in there or I’ll send her out for u. She’s excited to see u and don’t be nervous.

  Leave it to Tegan to know I’m nervous. This whole night has me on edge.

  Pushing all that thought aside I grab my bag from the passenger seat and get out of the car. It feels like I’m always carrying some kind of bag with my workout stuff nowadays.

  It’s easy to find which apartment is his. Taking a deep breath, I knock. It takes a few minutes, but then Tegan’s mom opens the door. She’s wearing a waitress uniform from one of the steak houses in town.

  “Hey, sweetie. Come in.”

  I can’t help but smile. I missed her. Dana is pulling a shoe on her foot as she walks, and not doing a good job of it.

  “Busy, busy like always.” She smiles.

  There isn’t a lot of furniture in the apartment. I don’t know if it’s because they can’t afford it or because the sparseness probably makes it much easier for Tim to get around. But still, it’s cozy. A picture of the three of them hangs over the couch.

  “Have a seat. I’m on my lunch break. Just needed to grab something to eat and bring Timmy to a friend’s house. What’s on the agenda for you guys tonight?” I sit at their dining room table, his mom sitting next to me to finish getting her shoes on. Before I can reply to her, Tim wheels in.

  “Ooh, it’s Tegan’s lover.”

  “Timothy!” Dana says as my cheeks no doubt turn bright red. “Don’t talk like that. You’re going to embarrass the poor girl.”

  “Sorry, Tegan’s girlfriend. About time he brought someone around here. I was starting to think he was gay.”

  “Tim!” This time, it’s me who screeches his name. Then of course, I feel like a psychopath.

  Tim and Dana both burst into laughter.

  “Aw, you don’t have to stick up for my brother. You
must be just as in looove as he is.”

  There’s a part of me that wants to reply to that, but I’m pretty sure I’ve lost the ability to use my vocal cords. I’m not in love and Tegan isn’t either. That’s just ridiculous.

  “And she’s never going to want to come over again now. Leave her be, Timothy. It’s between Tegan and Annabel.” She winks. I wonder if she got it from Tegan or he got it from her. “Though it is good to see him like someone enough to have some fun. He needs to have more fun. And lucky for us, we love you too.”

  Nope. Definitely don’t have a voice anymore. Might not have a heartbeat either. The sound of the front door opening saves me.

  “Speak of the devil.” Dana stands up and straightens out her uniform.

  “That’s me.” Tegan closes the door behind him.

  Dana smiles. Tegan steps up behind my chair, leans over and kisses me. There’s no tongue, just touch of our lips, but it sears me just the same. “Hey, you,” he says.

  Wondering if my voice will ever come back, I smile.

  “You picked up an extra shift today?” he’s talking to his mom now.

  “Yeah. The extra money doesn’t hurt.” Tegan shakes his head and his jaw is tense. He hates that his mom has to work so hard. “Did you?” she asks, but he ignores it. “That’s not important though. What are you guys up to tonight?”

  “Of course it’s not. Running yourself into the ground isn’t important at all.” The room is silent. Usually they get along so well. It’s weird to see they’re a normal family just like the rest of us.

  “Tegan…”

  “We’re going for a jog, then heading out to a party.”

  “Timmy’s staying with a friend and I won’t be home until late. I know you’re eighteen, but I’m still your mama and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you two to be good, right? No drinking and driving. No other things that will make me a grandma at way too young an age.”

  Oh. My. God. I think I’m about to die. Is his mom giving us a sex talk?

  “Annabel and Tegan. Sitting in a tree,” Tim starts. He’s way too old for that song, but I know he’s giving me a hard time. Especially when Dana sings the KISSING part with him.

  “You’re such a twerp.” Tegan punches Tim in the arm and they start playing around like they did before the basketball practice.

  “That’s enough boys. I have to go. Timmy, come on. Tegan, I’m serious. Be good.”

  Yep, I’m dying. Dying!

  “We’ll try.” Tegan winks at me and I want to evaporate into thin air.

  “Bye, baby.” She leans forward and kisses Tegan on the forehead and then to my surprise she does the same to me. “Be good, sweetie. Sorry if I embarrassed you.”

  I wave her off and they’re out the door.

  As soon as we’re alone, Tegan grabs me and pulls me close. “So…wanna break some rules?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  LET’S PARTY

  I freeze. Is he talking about what I think he’s talking about? My body perks at the thought, but my head is pulling on the reigns for me to slow down. What if his mom comes home? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I’m not ready?

  “I’m kidding, Annabel Lee. I can’t believe you’re really thinking about it.”

  I try and pull away from him, hoping to find someplace to hide.

  “No, don’t do that. I’m glad you’re thinking about it. It’s obvious I think about it. It’s just not what I meant right now.”

  Laughter dances in his eyes, his lips quirked up in a smile like only Tegan can do. The way he always does, he wipes any tension from the room. I wonder if he knows how good he is at that. If it comes from all the practice he gets trying to make everything perfect for his family. Playfully, I push at his chest, finding it difficult to keep with my original train of thought, because his chest…nice. “So you’re conceited and perverted!”

  He pulls me closer. “I’m multi-talented. What can I say?”

  “Ugh! You’re a sick, sick person.” Wiggling, I try to break free of his arms, but he holds me tight.

  “You can’t get away from me unless I want you too.”

  I fight him harder, laughter pouring from my mouth and vibrating us both. Tegan’s laughing too, easily pulling me along with him as I try to get away. Then, we’re going down. My heart lurches a little, scared we’re going to go boom, but he’s only dropping back onto the couch and pulling me with him. This is my favorite side of him… when he’s just happy. Not working, worried about his mom or feeling guilty over his brother’s life. When he doesn’t have to hide because he knows there’s no pity from me.

  “Let me up!” More laughter. “No, I hate to be tickled. Don’t tickle me.” His hands are at my sides and I’m squirming, but not as much as I could. He feels good. This feels good and even though I could pee my pants right now, I want it to last.

  “You didn’t say the magic word.” Tegan’s on top of me, tickling. Through my giggles, I look up, his blond hair is hanging down in his face. I can’t help but take him in. He’s so beautiful. Not perfect like I first thought. There’s the little chip in his tooth, a scar on his face. Gorgeous, yes, but not perfect and that makes me like him all the more.

  Suddenly he stills. There’s no more tickling and he’s looking down at me, the way I’m looking up at him. There’s a distinct switch in the air from playful to if-I-don’t-kiss-you-right-now-I-will-combust. He feels it too. I know it by the way he leans toward me.

  “You’re kind of addicting, do you know that? I don’t know what it is about you, but you’re different.”

  If you could really die from joy, my poor parents would be planning a funeral. But then, if I croaked, I wouldn’t be kissing him right now. Wouldn’t feel the now familiar press of his lips against mine. The sweep of his tongue as it delves in and out so skillfully. I wouldn’t hear the little groan in the back of his throat like I’m driving him wild. Me. And he’s making me just as crazy.

  He kisses the corner of my mouth, my neck, down my throat and then back up to my mouth again. His mom’s words start playing through my head. I see her too which is a total buzz kill, making me still.

  “What’s wrong?” he says, his lips on my collarbone.

  “We should slow down… Your mom. The party…” I wish I could pick a sentence and go with it.

  He kisses me again, this one quick. “Fine, ruin my fun.” Even without the wink, I know he is only teasing me. Tegan stands up, grabs my hand and pulls me up too. “Come on. Let’s go work out some of this pent up energy in a less fun, but more productive…Nah, just a less fun way.”

  ***

  We head out to our usual jogging spot, stretch and then take the familiar loop. I can jog the whole thing by now. We take it slow, I’m sure he runs much faster without me, but it’s still pretty cool that I’ve passed the point where I have to walk some of it. We do it enough that I know each step now, each turn and I welcome the burn in my legs and lungs. Like Tegan has said before, they’re my war wounds, proving to myself that I’m doing what I set out to do. How awesome is that?

  And today, I need it. I have a feeling he knows which is why he suggested the run before we go to the party. I’ve never met his friends and I’m scared to death they’re going to take one look at me and wonder what the heck he’s thinking. Then, I mentally yell at myself for thinking that way because no matter what, there is nothing wrong with me.

  We drive back to Tegan’s apartment. I take the shower in his mom’s room while he takes the one in the hallway, which let me tell you, it’s strange showering in his mom’s bathroom. He assured me he okay’d it, but still. The strangeness has nothing on the fact of knowing we’re both naked in the same house though, only a wall separating us.

  Looks like Tegan isn’t the only pervert.

  Soon, we’re sitting in Tegan’s little car on our way to the party. I’m wearing black capris, and a red button-up, summery shirt. The tag said it’s slimming, I’m not sure. Tegan’s gorgeous as always in h
is signature shorts, not too baggy, but enough that you can see the edge of his boxer-briefs when he doesn’t have a shirt on. I know, because he came out of the bathroom without one. How lucky am I? I’d watched as he pulled a t-shirt over his head, and another short sleeve, button up, over it, left open.

  “It might be a little wild there, but not bad wild. They’re cool people. You’ll have fun.”

  “Cool.” I’m annoyed that I’m so nervous, but happy I’m going regardless. That counts for something, right?

  “Are you sure you wanna go? We can hit up a movie or something. Head back to my house, whatever. I don’t want you to go if you don’t want to.” His eyes are on the road, but mine are on him.

  “No. I want to. I do. I’m just being a dork.”

  “You are kind of dorky.” Tegan laughs.

  “And you like me so what does that say about you?”

  “That I’m lucky.” I don’t reply to that. We’re parking in front of a big house out in the boonies. I guess the guy’s aunt and uncle own it and they’re out of town. He doesn’t turn off the engine. “Seriously, though. Do you want to do something else? We can hang out with your friend, Emily if you want. I’m up for anything. It just feels good to be doing something.”

  Everything he says or does makes me like him more. He said he’s lucky? I think I’m the lucky one. Or actually, maybe both of us. “I do want to go, Tegan. I just get nervous. I haven’t really done the whole party thing. The people at my school are jerks, so this is all just new to me. I don’t want to back out though. I want to have fun and meet your friends.”

  He sighs. “You know, one of these days, you’re going to have to tell me what happened. Who hurt you, but for now, I’m stoked because I really want to have some fun with you tonight. I haven’t gone to a party or anything in a long time.”