Measuring Up

by Nyrae Dawn

  I’m keeping the routine Tegan taught me, except I’m taking a class here and there. So far I’ve tried Step Aerobics and Cycling. Can I just say that cycling is no joke? I thought my butt was going to fall off it burned so bad, but it’s another war wound I’m glad I have. Cycling is my new goal. Soon, maybe in a week, a month, two months, I’m going to master the class like I am with so many other things in my life right now.

  Me. Annabel Conway. Who would have thought? Me, that’s who.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  140.2

  The bell rings and I slam my locker closed. Em’s standing next to me and we’re ready to go to our first class. It feels so strange being back at school. Especially since I’ve only been here for fifteen minutes and I’m pretty sure everyone in the whole school has stared at me and half of them have come up to talk to me. Told me how good I look, acted like we’ve been best friends for years. I’m nice, tell them thank you and promptly hide behind Em.

  Because even though this is what I thought I wanted over three months ago, it’s not.

  Okay, let me rephrase that: it is. I wanted to lose weight. Wanted to be healthier. Wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, but back then I also wanted to prove a point to the Billy’s of my school. I wanted the boys to drool and the girls to be jealous. Maybe that makes—or made— me a shallow person. Or maybe it just made me someone who wanted to shine for once, which I don’t consider a bad thing. I’m not sure which it is. What I do know is, standing here, twenty five pounds lighter, I’m happy. I feel good about myself, but it’s not because all these people are staring at me. It’s not because I’ve had people tell me how good I look or because suddenly it’s okay to be my friend.

  It’s not even because I’ve lost weight. Being overweight doesn’t make a person someone to be ashamed of, just like being skinny doesn’t make you someone to be proud of. No. What matters is on the inside. How you feel about yourself and how you treat others. I’ve accomplished something and found my self-worth. I couldn’t give a crap about Billy Mason anymore. I care about Annabel Conway. I care about my friends—my true friends. Em, Sandra and April. We’ve been texting back and forth and even met up at the mall once. Em likes them, and they like her too. And it’s hard…so hard not to ask them about Tegan. To tell them I don’t want to hear it when they talk to me about him, but I do it. Even though I still love him, I find a way not to go there. I’m not ready yet.

  “Billy Mason, twelve o’clock,” Em whispers in my ear.

  I look over to see Billy, Patrick and the rest of their crew walking down the hall. The sea of students part, letting the shark wade through the water until he stands in front of me.

  “Wow…Lookin’ pretty hot, Conway.”

  Okay, is it me or is he the biggest idiot alive? Lookin’ hot, Conway? I’m not sure that’s cool in any universe. Especially one where he’s given me hell for years and picked a fight with my boyfriend. “You must have worked on that one all night. I have to say, your line could use a little more work though.”

  I start to walk away, but Billy’s hand on my arm stops me. “Listen, Conway.” He steps closer to me and lowers his voice. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

  Instead of holding my thoughts in, I find myself saying them. “Are you for real? No. Actually, hell no.”

  “Aw, come on. Is this because of your boyfriend? Listen, I didn’t mean to kick his ass, but he started it.”

  My heart jumps at the word boyfriend when it’s attached to Tegan. “It has nothing to do with Tegan and all to do with the fact that you’re an ass. That just because I’ve lost twenty-five pounds you automatically decide to try being friends with me. What? Because I fit in now?”

  “No, it’s because you’re hot now.” Billy laughs and all his friends fall into step, laughing with him. How does that make him funny?

  “And you’re a jerk. How shallow do you think I am? After everything you’ve done to me, you think just because you decide to show me attention now I’m going to fall all over you?”

  “I—”

  “No. I didn’t say you could talk yet. You made me feel like crap. I didn’t fit into your little definition of perfect and you never let me forget it. I can assure you, there is nothing. Nothing that would ever make you worth the air you breathe.”

  “She told you,” Em says from beside me.

  Just like the end of school last year, we’re surrounded by people. This one will end differently. All of us are going to be late for class, but obviously no one cares. Without another word, I hook my arm through Em’s and we walk, not run, away with our heads held high, Billy gaping at us as we go.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  UNDECLARED

  I take a sip of coffee, looking for a seat in the busy coffee shop when I hear her. “Annabel? Oh, sweetie. How have you been? We’ve missed you so much!” Dana’s arms wrap around me, squeezing me so tightly I can hardly breathe. It’s such a Mom hug, so loving, so sacred that I can’t help but squeeze her just as hard.

  “I’ve missed you too.” So much. Almost as much as I miss Tegan. When she lets go, I want to pull her back in again. “Hey, Tim.” I lean down and give him a hug.

  “Hey! It’s really good to see you. Wanna come over and put my brother out of his miser—ouch, Mom! I wasn’t going to say anything. Just that Tegan’s driving me craz—okay, I’ll stop!” he says when she smacks his arm again.

  My senses go on high alert at the mention of Tegan. What was Tim going to say? I try to push those questions out of my head, but it doesn’t work. The best I can do is cover them with a blanket for now. “What are you guys doing here?” Can you say stupid question? Dana holds up her coffee cup.

  “I needed some caffeine.”

  “Yeah, me too!” It’s then I realize Em’s with me and I haven’t introduced them. “Dana and Tim, this is my best friend, Emily. Em this is Tegan’s mom and brother.”

  “Hi, Emily. It’s wonderful to meet you.” Dana shakes her hand and Tim tells her hi. Em shyly tells them hi back.

  “Look at you!” Dana pulls me in for another hug. “You’re a hottie. You’ve always been gorgeous, but watch out world!”

  Her words make me giggle. “I don’t know about hottie, but thanks.”

  “I’m serious. You look fantastic. You should be very proud of yourself. I know Tegan will be proud of you, too.”

  Will be. She says that like we’ll see each other again. I mean, maybe we will, but maybe we won’t. It’s not a for sure. We’re broken up. Over. The only time I’ve heard from him since the break-up was the happy birthday text. Still, I know the truth. “Yeah, I think he would be.” A pang of sadness hits me. I’d like to share it with him. Even though we’re not together, I wish I could show him I did it all on my own. That he was right, I didn’t need him.

  “Annabel, I have my first game tonight.” Tim wheels closer to me. “It’s a real game too. Not just practice. You should come and check out all my new skills.”

  “I…” Would love nothing more than to go to his game. To watch him play, talk to Dana. I miss them so much. Bubbles of excitement fizz inside me, but then I realize it’s Tim’s first game. Nothing would keep Tegan away from that. I can’t just show up there, the ex-girlfriend budging in on his family time. “I’d love to, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

  Dana grabs my hand. “Annabel, we’d love to have you. I’m sure all of us would love to have you.”

  Biting my lip, I look down at our joined hands. I’m not so sure of that. If that was the case, then why wouldn’t he have called me in all this time? Sure we broke up, but we could have been friends. All of a sudden, I’m mad at him. Why can’t we be friends? Why did he completely cut me off? It’s not as if we broke up on bad terms—I guess any break up is bad, but it’s not like we were angry. Unless there’s something on his side I don’t know about.

  “Come on, Annabel. Please?” Tim gives me eyes. I recognize them, big, pleading and dark brown. Some girl is going to be
in trouble one of these days because he knows how to work them just as well as his brother does.

  His brother who isn’t going to keep me from enjoying Tim’s game. I shouldn’t be scared to see him. If he’s angry, oh well. There are a few things I’d like to say to him anyway. “You know what? I’d love to come and see your game tonight. What time should I be there?”

  ***

  Wow, this idea felt much better this afternoon than it does now. My heart is thudding as hard as the basketball does when it hits the pavement. But I’m here. That’s all that matters. If I see him, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. I wave at Tim while I walk around the court. When I get to the bleachers, I spot Dana sitting in the bottom row. Alone.

  He didn’t come. At first, I’m hurt and then—well, then I’m pissed. How can he miss his brother’s game just because I’m here? The Tegan I know wouldn’t do this. “Hi.” I sit down next to her. “He’s not here.” We both know who he is.

  “No he’s not. I’m not sure why. He’s supposed to be.”

  She may not be sure, but I am. He’s not here because he knows I am. A cry threatens to crawl up my throat, but I block it out. “I should go…”

  Dana shakes her head. “Why?”

  I feel bad that she has to do this. That she has to lie to me so she doesn’t hurt my feelings. That one son has to miss her other son’s game because I’m here. “I just think it’s better.” I did what I came to do. I can be proud of that. I risked seeing him, but I’m not going to come between him and his family.

  “Sweetie,” she grabs my hand. “I don’t know what happen with you guys, but I have a few good guesses. This doesn’t excuse him, but his heart was in the right place. And he’s hurting too.”

  She lets go of my hand when her cell phone rings. “Hold on a second. Let me get this, but you don’t go anywhere, young lady.” She winks at me, then walks away to talk on her phone. I watch her pace back and forth, just out of earshot, talking animatedly to whoever is on the phone. Is it Tegan? Do I care? I shouldn’t, but I do. I know I don’t need him, but I do still love him and somewhere inside me there’s the girl who couldn’t wait to see him today.

  Before I can think about it much longer, Dana is back. “You’re right. I think you should go, sweetie.”

  My chest hurts. My heart breaks. It sucks. It’s painful and I hate it, but that’s life, right? We all lose people and all you can do is move on, no matter how much you wish you didn’t have to. “Will we still see each other?” I ask, hugging her.

  “We will see a lot of each other. You’re stuck with me now, kiddo. I always wanted a daughter.”

  A few tears leak out of my eyes and I hug her tighter. Before I lose it completely, I stand up. “I’ll see you soon then.”

  “You’re going home, right?”

  I nod, wondering why she’s asking. After another wave to Tim—one where I can tell he’s confused as to where I’m going—I leave the building, get in my car and drive home.

  ***

  The second I pull onto my street, I see it. See him, leaning against his old, beat-up car like he’s done so many other times. Only now he’s on my street. He’s at my house. My heart accelerates along with my car. Calm down, Annabel. You don’t know why he’s here. And I’m not happy with him. In fact—I slam my car into park and get out.

  “What do you think you’re doing missing your brother’s game?! He was so excited and you know he wants you there. I know you want to be there! How could you not go just because you knew I would be there?” It’s only the beginning of what I want to say to him.

  Tegan pretends to duck for cover. “You’re not going to hit me again, are you?”

  I bite my tongue to keep from laughing. Ugh. I missed him. I missed him way too much. “This isn’t the time to joke, Gym Boy.”

  “I know.” He looks totally serious. The smile gone, his body tense as he no longer leans against his car, but stands up straight. Then, he hands me a piece of paper.

  “I…”

  “Just open it.”

  “I…”

  “Please?”

  “Only because you asked nicely.”

  He doesn’t smile when he says, “Thank you.”

  Slowly, I unfold the paper. It’s a college form. His college form, where he can declare his major. The box that’s checked reads, “undeclared”.

  My hands start to shake. I’m not sure what to think. “You’re not going to be a physical therapist?”

  He shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not sure. I figure I don’t have to decide right now. I can take classes, take some time, to see what I want to do. It’s a big decision, you know.”

  Joy and hope spread through my body, warming me. He deserves to be happy.

  “This past six weeks have killed me, Annabel Lee. I missed you so much, but I was so pissed. First at you because I loved you so much, but I couldn’t have you. Then at me because I realized—”

  “You couldn’t have me?” Six weeks of pain, questions, anger explode from me. Things I should have said that last day, but was too scared. “You had me, Tegan and you threw me away! And why? You know I love your family. I would have understood anything you needed to do with them.”

  “I know.” He stands there, waiting for whatever I throw at him.

  “You hurt me, Tegan. More than anyone in my life because I trusted you more than anyone else.” I don’t know where it comes from, but I poke his chest with my finger. “And you threw that away. The first time something bad happened, you left me, just like—”

  “My dad.” His eyes fall closed and he lets out a deep breath, before opening them again. “I did exactly what my dad did. When I didn’t know how to handle something, I ran.”

  Oh. I hadn’t expected him to see it. “I thought I had to be everything for them. That letting myself have something for me meant I wasn’t giving them what they deserved.”

  My hands are wigging out so much, I don’t know what to do with them, so I shove them in my pockets. “You’re only human, Tegan. You’re nineteen years-old! It’s okay to love them, but you can’t dedicate your life to them.”

  “You’re right…I can’t and they don’t need me to anyway. I don’t know why I didn’t see it, but I see it now.”

  Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. I try to focus on slowing my heart, but I can only focus on him.

  “I… I went and saw my dad. Told him how I felt about him. I talked to Mom and she told me how much of a conceited, big head I am. Timmy called me a dumbass and Mom didn’t even tell him to watch his mouth. I needed to get over myself. Stop feeling sorry for me, for them. Stop thinking I could handle everything, because I couldn’t and I don’t want to. Why was it my job to save them? Be there for them? Yeah. Save them? No. They’re not even the ones who needed it. It was me.”

  I can’t explain how hard it is not to reach out and grab him now. Not to wrap my arms around him. Not to taste him. Not to soak up all his ocean and boy scent. But I can’t. Not yet. “No one can save anyone else, Tegan. I’ve learned that. We all have to save ourselves.”

  “I know, baby. I know. Everything I’ve done the past few weeks has been the right thing, but it still didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel good. And then Timmy had his game tonight and I knew what was missing. You. I want to hold your hand while I watch him. See your face light up while you watch him. If you’re interested, we can go to his game… Maybe talk some more after? We’re going to be late. I called my Mom a little while ago and told her I came here first. She said to give you another half hour. I swear that woman is psychic sometimes.”

  He didn’t miss the game to avoid me.

  He didn’t even know I was there.

  And he’s the one who called Dana.

  She’s the one who sent me home.

  I can’t help it, I laugh.

  “Talk about a buzz kill. You laughing at me was the second worst way I imagined this going.” He gives me his half smile. The playful one, but his eyes are still unsure. They�
�re pleading with me.

  “I was at the game. I saw your mom and Tim at the coffee shop and they invited me. I thought you weren’t there because you found out I was going. Then someone called—which I now know was you and your mom told me to go home.”

  “She played us. That sounds like her.” He bites his lip. I’ve never seen him look like this before. “Or maybe she just wanted to give us the chance to talk in private. Are you up for it? Talking, I mean?”

  “What about the game? That’s important.”

  Tegan steps closer to me. Not too close, not enough to touch me, but enough so I smell him. I want to wrap myself in that scent. In him.

  “It is, but you’re important too. There will be other games.”

  The old me wouldn’t have said this, but the new me can’t hold it in. I sit on the curb and he goes down beside me. Even though my voice shakes. Even though my eyes are wet, I still open my mouth and say, “You broke me, Tegan.”

  He runs a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face and I see his eyes are wet. Wet with unshed tears like mine.

  But it wasn’t all his fault, was it? “I thought you were perfect.”

  “I know. I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny.”

  “And you shouldn’t be. It wasn’t fair for me to see you that way. You’d said it so many times about my mom, Em, me. No one is perfect. We all screw up, but I wanted—no, I needed you to be perfect because I saw myself as such a mess.” I clear my throat, hoping to stall, knowing my words are true, even though I didn’t know it until right this second. “Even if you didn’t break up with me then, somehow, we would have fallen apart.”

  Tegan turns on the curb to look at me. His eyes are red. There’s none of his cockiness there. Nothing between us. “No, I love you. We broke up because I screwed up.”

  “No, we would have regardless, because I needed you. It shouldn’t be like that. Love should be love. Want should be want. You can love someone with all your heart. They can be your heart, but you have to be able to stand on your own and I couldn’t.” These words hurt so much, but they’re freeing too.