The Man Cave Collection: Manservant, Man Flu, Man Handler, and Man Buns

by Ryan, Shari J.

  I

  Like

  Big

  Buns

  And

  I cannot

  Lie

  The song starts off uncomfortably slower than it should, and I’m looking around at everyone, eager to see what happens next, assuming they haven’t seen this “show” before.

  You other ladies …

  The lyrics are different. How would Denver know what to sing? Not that it matters because the other three waiters are each in the process of picking out a random woman. My stomach falls into the pit of my stomach like a lead weight. Denver watches the other guys for a minute before realizing he needs to pick out a woman too. He doesn’t seem flustered or put off by this “show,” and it’s probably because he knows exactly what he’s about to do.

  Make me just as uncomfortable as he probably is.

  Can’t deny, that when a man walks in …

  The other guys stop singing, and Denver is walking toward me as if this was preplanned, which I can’t imagine, seeing as he’s been working for approximately two hours now.

  I want to hide under the table. I might be imagining a spotlight … or maybe I’m just seeing things, but there’s a mostly naked man walking toward me, and I’m definitely not imagining that.

  I have tunnel vision, but I hear laughter from around me, and now I’m almost positive this is a setup. If it is, I’m the only one who wasn’t in on it.

  Denver reaches for me, so I shove my hands under my legs and shake my head furiously. I’m thinking he wasn’t just a Marine, but maybe a male stripper somewhere because he knows exactly what he’s doing. The smile and the look in his eyes—stop it, stop it!

  I can’t breathe.

  I need air.

  His hand is on my arm.

  Dear Denver, I’m a virgin. Yes, I’m twenty-eight years old, and I’m probably the only twenty-eight-year-old virgin in Maui, but please, for the love of God, stop doing whatever you are doing to me because I might become de-virgined if I look at that cocky-as-hell grin any longer.

  Fucking Rump Punch.

  I’m not sure if my feet are moving on their own accord or if I’m somehow miraculously floating toward the center of the restaurant, but all I can feel is Denver’s warm grip wrapped around my bare arm.

  I wasn’t cold before, but now I feel like the warmth is completely necessary and appreciated.

  “What are you doing?” I mutter through a rough whisper.

  “What I was told to do,” he replies. “Want me to pick another woman from the crowd?”

  “No,” I say without thinking, and without realizing what I said or what it means. Does it mean anything? Did I just agree to him doing whatever he’s planning to do to me in front of all these people?

  I might pass out.

  When a man walks in with a pretty witty face

  And two round things in your face

  Denver matches the rhythm of the instrumental music to “Baby Got Back.” He does it quite perfectly, though, in tune and all. Then the record scratches again. This time, Denver looks around, and there’s confusion on his face–like this wasn’t part of the plan.

  I nervously glance over at my table, watching Noa and Lea snicker and laugh. Lea has been a prankster my entire life, and it appears she’s found her match.

  The music for “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men rises in volume. I’d recognize the song anywhere, with or without words, and Lea knows it.

  Is this payback for something I did to her? I don’t understand.

  I squint in her direction, but she’s laughing so hard she has tears in her eyes.

  Close those eyes, make your wish

  Holy crap, Denver can sing. What can’t this man do? Not that I know what he can do, but so far he seems to do everything, pretty damn well.

  And blow out the candle's light.

  The lights dim even more, and my pulse speeds up to what must be a heart-attack range.

  Because tonight is just your time,

  We need to celebrate …

  He pauses and points the microphone over to Noa and Lea:

  Noa and Lea all through the night!

  He turns back toward me and falls to one knee. This must be why women scream at a strip club. Not that I’ve known from personal experience, but I’ve seen movies and always wondered why they acted so absurd just because a man is trying to woo them.

  Now I get it.

  Pour some wine, light a fire

  Kai, your wish is my desire

  I will submit to your dreams

  He takes my hand and places a soft kiss on my knuckles. I am utterly lost in this crazy and ridiculous moment of show.

  I will do everything, Kai, you need only ask.

  The lights go out, and Denver stands up and pulls me into his chest. “I’m so sorry. They made me do it. I think I owe you big time,” he whispers. “But … for the record, I kind of enjoyed it.”

  “Well, I—I think I need to go home,” I mutter.

  9

  Denver

  They wanted a show tonight, and poor Kai was volunteered to be my guinea pig. It might have been more for the enjoyment of her sister and Noa, but after her snippiness this morning, it was a little payback, which she thoroughly enjoyed … I think.

  The night skated by, and the simplicity of the menu and drink specials made my transition seamless. Oddly, I got used to walking around nearly naked and almost forgot about my lack of clothing by the end of the night.

  “Dude, you sorta killed it tonight,” Noa says. “How were your tips?”

  “I thought you said some of the guys were making up to a few hundred a night.” I respond.

  “Yeah, some of the guys do. Why?”

  “Well, I made a grand. Does some of it maybe go to Lani?”

  “No shit,” Noa says, wide-eyed. “No, Lani is taken care of. That’s all yours. I don’t think anyone has made that much in one night. Clearly, you’ve got a gift.” Noa chuckles and wiggles his eyebrows. “Oh, and we don’t have shows like that every night. It was a welcoming haze for you, champ.” He gives me a wink.

  “Nice.” I shake my head, figuring and hoping the showcase was a one-time thing. “Well, thanks again for the gig. When’s my next shift?”

  “Tomorrow night. Same time.”

  “Cool, I just have to secure a babysitter for Aya.”

  “Dude, my mom has you covered. Trust me. She’s in her glory tonight.” I feel weird imposing on an older woman like that. I’m sure she has better things to be doing than watching after a little girl every night. “I’ll talk to her about it privately first, though, okay?”

  “Okay, but don’t push her. I can find someone else if she can’t.”

  “No problem. Oh, and your house will be empty by noon tomorrow. My buddy called me earlier and said the current renters are to be out by nine. Cleaners will be there by nine-thirty, and you should be good to move in tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Perfect. Thank you so much for helping me out with that … and with the job too. While I’d prefer to be wearing pants, I can’t deny the pay is great.”

  “Right?” Noa says, holding his hand out to shake.

  “Thanks, dude. Really. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Now dressed and able to walk outside, I head through the dark restaurant, noticing Lea with her head down on the table. She appears to be sleeping, or passed out.

  I stop for a minute, wondering if she’s okay, but Noa pipes up. “Don’t worry about her. She warned me she was going to sleep if we didn’t leave in the next few minutes.”

  I chuckle and continue for the door. I noticed Kai left in between the time my little entertainment ended and when I returned from my short break in the back room. I would have suggested she sober up a little first, and by the looks of Lea, asking her if Kai is okay doesn’t look feasible, either. I don’t know a thing about either of them, but here I am, worried about everyone else like usual.

  I step outside into the damp, ocean-mist-fi
lled air and quickly remember Noa drove me here because I don’t have my truck yet. What was I thinking? I’m thinking too much has happened in one day for me to keep track of where the hell I even am at the moment.

  Just as I reach behind me to open the door to the restaurant back up, I notice movement a couple of curb blocks away from where I’m standing.

  It’s a woman with her hair tied up into a messy knot. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her legs, and her cheek is resting on her knees.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, warily walking toward her. The closer I move toward her, the more I think I recognize who she is. The simple but perfectly fitted dress Kai had on tonight is dark, like this woman’s … and the heels. I noticed her heels end-capping her long, perfectly toned legs earlier. “Kai?”

  She doesn’t move at all. She didn’t even budge when I asked if she was okay. I quickly make my way to the other side of her, finding her eyes open, staring out into the distance. “I was hoping you would think I was sleeping and leave,” she mumbles.

  “You think I’d leave someone sleeping on a curb?”

  “A girl can hope, right?” she responds.

  “As most girls would hope, I’m sure.” My sarcasm doesn’t go unnoticed, and she lifts her head and switches cheeks, facing away from me.

  “Why are you sitting out here?”

  “Why are you standing out here?” she asks.

  “Noa is my ride, and I almost forgot I was on a different island without anything that’s familiar to me.” It’s honesty. I’m lucky I know my name right now. I haven’t stopped running in the entire last month, preparing to pick up, suddenly leaving behind the life I lived for eight years.

  “I have my car, but I had too much to drink, so I’m sitting here until I’m sober,” she says, slurring her words a bit.

  Kai has been out here for at least a couple hours now. I’m surprised she hasn’t sobered up completely. “What about Lea?”

  “She’s passed out inside. She’s going home with Noa, plus she can’t drive, so that’s why I’m sitting here.”

  I reach my hand out to her. “Luckily, I’m stone sober. How about I drive you home? Do you live near the hotel by any chance? I can walk from there if you do. I need to get back to the hotel, so I can relieve Noa’s mom of babysitting duties.”

  “I’m about a ten-minute drive. That’s a long walk at night,” she mumbles.

  “Eh, I can handle it.”

  “No, no, I can just get a room at the hotel. It’s a perk of working there.”

  “Are you sure?” I’m pretty sure she’s sure. She can hardly keep her eyes open.

  “Yeah. Thank you.”

  I’ve been reaching for her hand, but she either hasn’t noticed or isn’t ready to move. I lean in and scoop my hand around her arm and tug gently, seeing if she’ll comply, which she does.

  Once I have her standing, her head flops onto my shoulder. “Were you drinking more while you were out here?” I ask, jokingly.

  “No, were you?” she asks.

  “How are you still drunk, and which of the three cars are yours?” The only people left inside were the two chefs, Noa, and Lea, so it shouldn’t be hard for Kai to spot her car.

  “Low blood pressure or something,” she says, stumbling on a small rock.

  “That’s not good, “I tell her.

  “I’m fine,” she argues. “I’ve always been this way.”

  “Fair enough.” She’s heading in the direction of an old yellow Wrangler. “Is that yours?”

  “Yup.”

  “Keys?” I ask, holding my free hand out.

  She turns her entire body toward her dangling purse and reaches inside as if it were a foot deep. I hear the clinging and clanging of whatever else is in there, but it takes a solid minute before she retrieves a set of keys. “Don’t hurt Bee,” she says.

  “Bee?”

  “My Jeep.”

  “Oh, Bee, yellow, got it.”

  “My dad gave it to me before he died.”

  She doesn’t stutter or trip over her words. She announces her dad is dead as if she says it routinely every day.

  “I didn’t know. I’m—”

  “No, don’t. Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Don’t sorry me.”

  “I won’t sorry you,” I repeat.

  She’s still moving on her own but with my support, and she’s heading in the direction of the driver’s seat. “I’m driving. Let’s get you over to the passenger side.”

  “No, I have to get in this way.”

  I want to laugh at the cute display of drunken behavior, but I know she’s going to feel like shit in the morning and probably be mortified.

  “Is there something wrong with the other door?”

  “Kinda,” she says. “It has to be unlocked from the inside.”

  Just as I’m about to explain to her that I can unlock it once I get inside, she unlocks the driver’s door and climbs in, obviously forgetting she’s in a dress.

  After an unexpected accidental glance at the world’s most perfect ass, accessorized with a white lacy thong, I decide to close my eyes and save myself from being the pig I’d rather be.

  She plops down into her seat, pulls the belt across her chest, and clips it into place. “Do you know how to drive a stick?” she asks with a suggestive raised brow.

  “Is that a loaded question?” I reply.

  “No, I don’t have a stick,” she says. “Only you do.” Kai whispers the last part.

  The man I once was, a day ago, would respond with a comment about my stick being a tree trunk, but I’ll keep my dirty jokes to myself for the moment.

  “You call a man’s penis a stick?” I ask.

  She gasps, horrified about something I said. I’ll go with penis. “No!” she blurts out.

  “You kind of just did,” I argue.

  Kai throws her head back against the seat. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Okay. Well, yes I’m familiar with a standard stick-shift.”

  “That’s what I meant,” she continues.

  “No, it wasn’t.”

  “Don’t argue with me,” she snaps.

  “Why?”

  A groan growls from her throat, and I’m having a rough time stopping myself from poking her, but my only intention is to get her somewhere safe tonight, so I’ll focus on that.

  “Take a left out of the lot and stay straight until you see signs for the highway.”

  “Got it.” Signs for the highway pop up, and I merge over to the on-ramp.

  “Why did you do that to me tonight?”

  I glance over at her for a split second before switching lanes. “I already told you why.”

  “What if my stupid sister didn’t tell you to?”

  “Well, now that’s not nice. Don’t go calling your sister stupid.”

  “She is, isn’t she?”

  “No. Lea isn’t stupid. You’re just angry.”

  “Well, what’s your answer?”

  “I would have picked you even if she didn’t ask me to. I felt like you deserved a little payback for the way you treated me this morning,” I say, toying with her.

  “I didn’t treat you like anything this morning.”

  “I know.”

  “So, how was I supposed to treat you? Like you’re royalty or something?”

  “Why are you so hot-tempered?” I hear the tired drawl coming out in my words, and I realize I’ve been bickering with this woman for what seems like half of the day today.

  “Why does everyone ask me that?” Kai replies with a true sense of questioning.

  “Maybe it’s because you have low blood pressure,” I offer as an excuse.

  “Nice try. I was lying.”

  I can’t help but laugh. She’s a riot without intending to be. “Am I taking the next exit?”

  “Maybe,” she says, glancing out her window.

  “Want to get to the hotel tonight or drive around until the sun
comes up?”

  “Yes, it’s the next exit,” she answers.

  “You may want to let Lea or Noa know where you are. I don’t want them to worry about you,” I tell her.

  “Let ’em worry.”

  Okay, then I will text Noa myself. She must be like this all the time. Impossible.

  I spot the hotel sign and feel relieved that I was able to find it with little direction, thanks to lushy over here.

  “You can park in employee parking,” Kai says. That she can tell me, but directions, not so much. I pull into an empty spot, drop the clutch, and bring the gear to neutral. “Emergency brake.”

  “I told you, I’ve driven a stick before,” I remind her.

  “Ha! I knew it!”

  Damn. For being drunk, she’s incredibly quick-witted. “Happy now?” I ask.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “I’m going to come around and open your door, so you don’t have to climb over the seats again,” and flash me a second time. That would be tragically amazing.

  “Oh, no, I can open the door from here,” she corrects me, showing me that the door can, in fact, open from the inside.

  “Right, I had it confused,” I tell her.

  I hop out and rush around to her side, so I can make sure she doesn’t tumble over. “You’re confused because you’re drunk,” she squeaks as she tries to poke my nose but misses and pokes my eye. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry!” She snorts into laughter, covering her face as if that might cover the fact that she’s laughing. “Are you okay?”

  I rub at my eye, feeling a slight sting from the scratch her fingernail just left. “I’ll be okay.”

  She’s still laughing, holding her stomach, nearly unable to catch her breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Denver. Are you blind now?”

  For God’s sake. “No, I’m fine.”

  “Let me see,” she says, grabbing my face with both her hands. She yanks my head down to her eye level, forcing me to lean over pretty damn far. I’m looking into her eyes, and I feel the need to close mine to stop what’s happening inside of me. This fucking loneliness will eat me alive someday. Dating is almost impossible with Aya, and I’ve never dated anyone long enough that I felt comfortable bringing them to meet her. Sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever happen. In any case, Kai will be regretting all of this tomorrow, so there’s no sense in getting excited about a dumb, two-second, eye gaze. “I think I hurt you.”