Liar

by Lia Fairchild

  “I know.”

  Her replies were short, but at least she’d made the call. It was a starting point. I decided to backtrack and see if I could make her more comfortable. “Where are you right now?”

  “In bed.”

  “I had a feeling. Something in your voice.”

  “You’ve gotten very good at reading me. Is that what you’re trying to do now?”

  “I was just thinking about all those times we talked on the phone. You in your bed. Me in mine. Chatting until one of us fell asleep.”

  “Um…that was mostly you.”

  “You’re right. But I don’t know how I would have gotten through all those months without at least hearing your voice. Knowing you were there.”

  “I feel the same way.”

  “And it’s no different now. I’m right here. We can talk about whatever you want.”

  Silence filled the line. I waited, heart racing at what this news could do to us.

  “Your father…he’s really concerned about you, too.”

  Another long pause. “It seems I’m not the only liar in the family.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Apparently, I’m not the devoted daughter and sister I thought I was, but no one had the guts to tell me.”

  “I don’t know a lot about your childhood, Gray, but from what you’ve told me, I think you did the best with the life you were given. All that responsibility thrown at you at such a young age couldn’t have been easy.”

  “It wasn’t. That much I know for sure. But somehow it changed me…made me possessive of Noah”

  I couldn’t figure out where she was going with this. “Is that what your dad told you?”

  “Among other things. Dad said I’d become so controlling that babysitters quit, and he and I fought a lot. That I remember.”

  “That makes some sense. But you can’t blame yourself. Your dad couldn’t be relied on. Most alcoholics can’t be, and it’s especially hard on the children.”

  I heard her breath go heavy on the line. “I can’t even say it because I don’t want it to be true.”

  “Say what?”

  “Dad said he didn’t start drinking until after Noah’s death. He said I remembered what I wanted to remember. That he worked two jobs and was exhausted all the time, but that’s it. How the hell is that possible?”

  “You were so young.” I wasn’t sure if I believed it either. “Don’t you think it’s possible that since your last memories before you left were of him drinking that you could have generalized your whole childhood that way?”

  “I suppose. I’ve racked my brain all night, but I can’t come up with anything specific except for…” She struggled to get the last words out. “I’m ashamed to say it.”

  “Nothing you can say will change how I feel about you, Gray. I love you.”

  “I’ve been having memories lately. Really just flashes of things.”

  “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe I thought talking about it would bring them to the surface. I didn’t even talk about it in our family sessions. A couple of times the flashes were of the day Noah died. The moment I saw him in the pool. Struggling to get him out.”

  “God, I’m so sorry. That must have been horrible.”

  “Those were details I had blocked out or just don’t remember because I’d passed out. But everything until that moment had always been so clear. The chain of events leading up to finding him that I’d told you about…it’s another thing I changed in my twisted mind. And as soon as Dad told me what really happened, I remembered.”

  “I don’t understand. What did you remember?”

  Through a shaky, agitated voice, Gray went on to tell me that the day her brother had died, she had been the one to let him out into the yard. She had unlatched the door and sent him out because he had been bothering her. She told me that her father hadn’t passed out like she’d believed all those years.

  “So there you have it, doc. I’m responsible for the death of my little brother. The brother I was supposed to protect and love and care for. You can mark this one case closed. The obsessive liar with addictive tendencies cannot blame her poor upbringing! Her circumstances are not the cause for her weaknesses any longer!”

  “Gray, please. Don’t. You were a child,” I said emphatically. I wanted to hold her, convince her it wasn’t her fault. “Let me come over, please.” This was why she had sent me away. So I couldn’t comfort her, and she could suffer alone.

  “What’s the point?” Her voice turned cold, empty. “It is what it is, and now I have to live with it.”

  My heart wrenched inside my chest, not only from the pain I felt for her but also from concern. Would I be able to get her through this simply because I loved her? I feared that our past professional relationship could be too much of a detriment. “You will get through this, Gray. We’ll get through this together…as long as you let me help you.”

  CHAPTER 18

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  Gray

  The shell that replaced my body hadn’t moved from the position of sitting up in bed after I hung up with Daniel, like my soul had stepped out of my skin to witness the horror of someone so twisted. Someone who can fuck up so badly over and over again. Questions raced through my mind as I stared at myself. How many other parts of my life have been a lie? Parts I don’t even know about. Can I trust any of my memories? How can I ever look Daniel in the eye again? I was a fraud, and I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t know who I was, but I didn’t care. I only knew I loathed whomever she was. I even hated the little girl she used to be.

  I saw myself back in the kitchen, opening the latch on the back door over and over. “Get outside, Noah.” It echoed in my head. “Get outside, Noah.” Visions of his sweet face flew in and out of my head. His smile, his bright eyes, his pout just before I closed the door on him. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes; a lump formed in my throat, my stomach retched. But I fought it all because I didn’t deserve those tears. I love Noah. I always have, no matter what I’ve done. I loved you!

  I didn’t know if I fell asleep or simply stepped away from consciousness as the minutes and hours passed. But sometime later¸ Alyssa appeared in the doorway.

  “You’re awake already?” she said, sounding miles away. It had to have been close to five in the morning, the barely rising sun providing a thin beam through the window.

  I kept my gaze forward, afraid to let her see my eyes. So young and innocent, totally unaware of the person responsible for her. Somehow the charade sent another level of guilt my way.

  “Gray,” she said louder. “I have running club this morning, so I’m leaving soon. I didn’t expect you to be up.”

  “There are bagels on the counter.”

  “Are you going into the office today?”

  “I don’t know.” My words dispensed without inflection. Like an operator’s recording.

  “What’s wrong with you? Was your dad mean to you last night?”

  “No.” I turned in her direction to give her some sense of normalcy. “Is Austin picking you up?”

  “Yeah, he’s timing our sprints today. We just got a new clay track, and he’s doing some experiment testing speed versus velocity or kryptonite or some crap like that. Gray, are you listening?” She took a few steps in my direction.

  I pulled the covers off and slid my legs off the bed, turning my back to her. “You better get going.”

  She stopped short of the edge of the bed. “Oh, okay.”

  I recognized the hurt in her tone. She knew I was keeping something from her. When I heard her steps retreat toward the door, I stood and turned.

  “Alyssa.”

  “Yeah?” With an old black backpack hanging off one shoulder, she folded her arms, her lips in a thin line of teen angst.

  “It’s going to be okay.”

  “Really?” She paused, indifference fighting with her fear. “Because the way I see it, everyone I c
are about is pretty jacked up right now, and no one seems to want to tell me anything. I can handle stuff, you know.”

  “I know you can. Like I said, everything will be fine. I just need to work some stuff out. Nothing for you to worry about.” As long as I could hold it together until Laurie came back. “And your mom will be out of the hospital in a few days.”

  She rolled her eyes and left the room. I followed to walk her to the door.

  “Did you see those flowers last time we were there?” she said before leaving.

  “Yeah, who were they from?”

  “I checked for a note while she was sleeping. There wasn’t one.”

  “Are you worried they’re from Teddy?”

  “Sort of. I hope she’s not that desperate, because I’m not living with that jackass again.”

  Maybe she wanted me to assure her that she could keep staying at my place. I struggled for a response, given nothing passed for certain at that moment.

  Her phone dinged. “That’s probably Austin downstairs. I have to go.”

  “Okay. Have a good day. Try not to worry.”

  When the door shut, I went to the window to check for Austin. He waited at the curb in a black Mazda 3, a decent car for a high school kid. Probably had normal parents, too. I was grateful Alyssa had one solid relationship in her life. She stepped off the curb and grabbed the handle to open the door. Then she stalled for a moment, glancing up to the window as if she knew I’d be watching. Our eyes caught for a second before she turned and got in.

  I stayed at the window even after they drove away, unable to move. The silent, empty apartment pressed me into the window like it wanted to push me out. For that brief walk with Alyssa from the bedroom to the door, the knife in my chest had eased the slightest bit. With her gone, it suddenly hit me that once she moved out, so would my distraction. And my purpose. A way to… I shook the idiocy from my brain. There would never be a way to make up. Daniel would tell me there was only talking through it. I couldn’t face that. At least not yet.

  I watched the sun finish its rise, looking for Noah’s smile behind its beam. I examined a cloud drifting by, searching for his eyes in its curves. I gazed at the blowing trees, following each leaf and trying to catch a glimpse of him. Begging for a sign of forgiveness from him.

  Sometime later my phone rang. I finally pulled myself from the refuge of the window. Daniel’s name appeared on the screen, and my heart dropped. My eyes burned just from seeing his name, so I knew I couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t hear his voice or see his face. I stared at his name until the call went to voicemail. I’m sorry, Daniel. He didn’t deserve this, but I needed time.

  I booted up my laptop to check my schedule, unsure I could trust my memory in my state. I only knew I had a proposal due that I’d completed days ago. Evyn hated getting projects early. She’d say it wasn’t quality if you had more time to work on it. I ran through emails, forwarded some things I could delegate, and when I had everything manageable enough to stay home, I picked up my phone. I debated whether I should call or email. Evyn would sense trouble, and for damn sure, she would sense a lie.

  I sent a text saying the proposal went via email, and I would be working from home if she needed me. If Evyn called me on it, I’d use Alyssa’s mother as an excuse. Chances were, I’d need some time off for her release from the hospital anyway.

  The cluttered apartment provided my only diversion, so I began picking up and organizing Alyssa’s things. I cleared a shelf for her books and a drawer for her new running clothes we’d bought last week. Why the hell did I do that when she had to leave? I purposely left the couch for last. Glancing at her blanket and pillow while I cleaned gave me some sense of peace. I pulled the blanket up to fold it, catching the scent of the vanilla bean lotion she used. My breath caught, and I collapsed onto the couch with the blanket pressed to my chest. I closed my eyes, worked to calm my breathing. It wasn’t like I’d looked forward to Alyssa going back home, but everything had changed, and now I couldn’t bear to imagine how that would feel.

  My sadness turned to anger in an instant. I twisted the blanket in my hands. Selfishly, I asked God why he’d only allowed me such a brief moment of happiness. I knew the answer: it was all I deserved. Or maybe, more simply, I’d designed my life that way. I thought of Daniel again. What he would say if we were back in session. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Moving on. I couldn’t see how I’d ever accept or forgive what I’d done, but if I ever wanted a life with Daniel, I’d have to find a way to move on. I feared that could mean stepping back into my former self—someone Daniel once pushed away.

  Exhaustion poured over me as I sat on the couch bouncing from one desperate thought to the next. One moment I ran from Daniel and everyone else, then next I planned to push everything down and live with a brave front to keep the people I loved in my life. The silence surrounding me became so deafening I couldn’t think straight.

  I staggered to my room to change before escaping with no destination in mind. Once I got behind the wheel, I knew where I had to go. When I arrived, the gates were still closed; I paced back and forth, waiting. An older woman in a light gray pantsuit walked by and let me in, though I was sure it wasn’t time yet. She smiled and nodded. I made my way through the grounds to where my mother and brother lay.

  I sat on the damp ground next to my mom and brother, wetness seeping through the material of my pants. Just a few yards away lay my grandmother, resting next to the grandfather I’d never met. The three most important people in my life, the ones who knew and loved me before I became so lost, all together without me. Why couldn’t I have gone, too? Then we’d all be together for eternity.

  I brushed a hand over my brother’s name. “I’m not here to beg forgiveness. Only to apologize…to both of you for letting you down.”

  It dawned on me with those words, that this was my punishment: being here alive…alone, without the two most wonderful people I’d ever known. I stayed awhile longer, allowing myself to see their faces, letting in the memories I still believed to be true. The good times. The special moments. Those had to be real.

  I noticed some brown patches of grass around the plots and considered complaining. I began to brush dirt and debris from their headstones with my bare hands. Something crusted to one of the corners caught my eye; I scrubbed at it with my fingernail. Before I realized it happened, I’d scraped some of my skin and nail off against the stone. I pulled my hand against my body and put pressure on my finger near the blood. A droplet of water slipped from my eye and landed on my hand. Dammit! Once again, I fought the tears, pushed my emotions back. My breathing labored as I hunched over, holding my hand.

  “Miss?”

  I looked up, nonplussed, but mindful of my damp and distressed face with no way to fix it.

  A middle-aged man holding a bouquet of flowers stood in front of me.

  “Are you all right?”

  “Fine.”

  I blinked through the tears and took a deep breath, hoping he’d go away and leave me alone.

  He pulled two orchids from his bunch and handed them to me with a compassionate smile. “They’re in a better place now.”

  I gave him one slow nod and accepted his offering. I gently placed a delicate flower on each plot. When I turned to thank him, he’d already walked away. I heard his voice again with a soft, quiet intention.

  “All they know now is peace and love.”

  I watched him walk down the path, wanting to believe his words. They made sense, and it should have brought me comfort, but I missed Noah so much. All the memories we could have made together, all the time and love we could have shared. All lost…because of me.

  CHAPTER 19

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  Gray

  I knocked twice and then my fist froze in midair. I hated what I intended to do, but at the same time, I kept justifying it in my head. Somehow I needed to get past this. I needed to find a way to function in life.

  “I’ve got it.” A dee
p voice came from behind the door. Not the one I expected.

  The door swung open, sending the background noise of the TV out and revealing a pair of brown, gratified eyes. “Well, my night just got a hell of a lot better.”

  I can’t fucking believe this. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Nice to see you, too, babe.” He flashed me the smile that used to weaken my knees. But that had been when I was loaded.

  “Who is it, Kev?” Nathan called from inside.

  I folded my arms and glared at him; his face fell. “It’s your old lady.”

  I pushed past him and gasped at the shape of Nathan’s apartment. He always kept his place like his kitchen at the restaurant: spotless, organized, and not smelling like a locker room full of sweaty drunk guys. I turned toward the kitchen area for the ultimate sign of the severity of the situation. Plates and glasses piled high in the sink and takeout cartons on the counter.

  Arms slipped around my waist, a nuzzle came through my hair to my neck, the scent of tequila floating by my nose. I jerked away and pushed out of the hold, unsure if Kevin or Nathan had touched me.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Nathan said as I turned around.

  This was not my Nathan. It was Kevin’s Nathan, which meant we were both screwed.

  “Really?” I gave him a look that elaborated on the single word.

  He glanced to his brother and then back at me; his apprehensive expression at least showed some regret. “We’ll be right back.” He took my hand and led me to his bedroom while Kevin sank into the couch like he lived there.

  As soon as he shut the door behind us, I started in. “What’s he doing here?”

  “Don’t start freaking out, Gray. It’s not a big deal.”

  He ran his hand through his hair. That’s when I took a long, hard look at his face. His sallow skin sagged, and his usually sexy cheek shadow appeared dark and dirty.

  “You look like hell, and he’s here. That’s a big deal. I thought we were through with this stuff, Nathan.”