It Was Always You

by Natalie R Allen

  “That would be helpful, actually,” he said and handed Caleb a key.

  “Come on.” Caleb helped me stand and a wave of light-headedness almost knocked me over.

  I reached out and clutched his arm to steady myself. “Whoa, sorry,” I breathed, holding onto him.

  “Keep a hold on me while I get the harness off you.” His eyes flashed with something but I couldn't decide what, in my dizzy state. Caleb’s fingers brushed against me as he loosened and tugged. I tried to ignore the sensation, but it was difficult. I focused on breathing steadily while Caleb worked at the harness. My eyes were closed when he spoke right into my ear. “Hey, girl. How are you feeling?”

  I shivered. “Caleb, are you about done?” I whispered. It felt like he was taking his sweet time, and I didn't know how much more I could take from his close proximity.

  “Mhmm,” he said, and I let out an involuntary whimper. What was my problem?

  “There.” Caleb had a smile in his voice. A final tug, and I felt the harness fall from me. “Can you walk to the jeep or do you need me to carry you?” He supported my elbow.

  I nodded. “I can walk.” I would crawl if I had to. I didn't trust myself right then to be in his arms.

  Caleb helped me to the jeep and went as far as buckling me up.

  One we started down the trail, I was being bounced around so much that I thought I’d be sick. I would have to make sure and keep myself fed the rest of the trip. Another roll of my stomach and I moaned out loud. The jeep jerked to a stop and I threw a hand over my mouth.

  “Sorry. I didn't think about you getting sick. I'll take it easy, okay?” Caleb patted my hand which was resting between us and I nodded with my eyes closed.

  “Can we wait here for a few minutes before we get going again?” I asked. I didn't think I could take any more movement yet.

  “Yes. Let me pull off the trail a ways.”

  I squeezed his hand absentmindedly as he moved the jeep, parking it in a small clearing.

  “I think there are some water bottles in the back.” He returned the pressure to my fingers and I realized I was still holding them tight.

  “Sorry,” I muttered, tucking my hand away.

  “You’re alright.” Caleb got out and when he came back, he handed me a bottle of water and a granola bar. “I found this back there too. I don’t know how old it is but it’s probably okay to eat.”

  “Thank you,” I said, tearing the wrapper open and taking a small bite.

  Caleb opened a water and handed it to me. I took a long drink and finished the granola bar with my eyes closed and breathed deep to clear my nausea.

  “Have a little more water,” Caleb said patiently.

  I did, and I was feeling much better. My head was no longer spinning and my stomach had settled with a bit of rest and nourishment.

  After a couple more breaths, I opened my eyes again. Caleb was observing me, and I smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry I spoiled your fun.”

  He shrugged. “I’m good right here, Amy.”

  “You’re sweet for taking care of me. Thank you.”.

  Caleb angled himself to lean back against his door and watched me in silence.

  I wasn’t sure what to say with the way his eyes were all over my face. I wasn’t one to blush, but I felt on the verge. I ran a hand through my hair self-consciously. “What?” I finally asked.

  He suppressed a smile. “You just look different now.”

  My brows furrowed as I wondered if that was a good or bad thing.

  “You were hot then but now…" He shook his head a little and stared at me again. "It's no wonder Byron couldn’t keep away.”

  I looked down, not knowing how to reply. I was flattered but I wasn’t sure I should acknowledge just how much.

  “It’s a shame,” he said.

  I glanced up from under my lashes and my stomach did a flip when I saw the pleased look on his face.

  Why did he have to go say that? I was doing fine at the friend thing and then he had to go and say a thing like that. I needed to tell him to stop and that I was devoted to Byron. This flirting could not go on. “Caleb,” I paused trying to think of how to say it. “I can’t—you can’t say things like that to me.”

  He didn't look repentant in the slightest. “Yes, I can.”

  My head shot back in surprise. Was he seriously arguing with me about this? I stared at him with wide, serious eyes. “I’m not kidding. You know I’m with Byron.”

  He shrugged lazily. “So.”

  I blinked; I was at a loss. “So, you can’t say stuff like that to another guy’s girl!”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know.” I tossed my hands up. “Because...” I said, exasperated.

  “Still rolling with that old argument, huh?” He tilted his head to the side and smiled, making that darn dimple distract me. I stared at it, losing my train of thought. I remembered once when I had kissed that dimple. How strange to feel as if no time had passed at all. This might as well be six years ago for how I wanted to press my lips against the tiny dip in his cheek.

  “You better quit looking at me like that.” Caleb’s voice was serious, and my breathing became unsteady at the look in his eyes.

  “I don’t know what you mean. Like what?” I lied.

  Caleb leaned toward me with an arm on the steering wheel and I leaned away from him, unsure of his motive. His eyes were burning into mine. “You can’t look at me like I am a glass of water and you are a woman dying of thirst.”

  My mouth fell open. I couldn't think of a retort. My mouth moved like a fish out of water until I snapped it closed and glared at him.

  “You are only making it worse, Amy,” he sang with a warning.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m glaring at you!” I shot back.

  Caleb reached out to touch my face and I moved back a fraction. His mouth twisted like we were playing a game and moved his hand toward me again. I swatted his hand away and he chuckled. “You’re as feisty now as you were back then.”

  I tried to keep my glare, but his smile was breaking me down and a small laugh burst from me “And you’re as much of a flirt now as you were then.” I shoved him lightly, and he sat back, grinning.

  “Are you feeling better?” he asked kindly.

  I thought about it for a second and nodded. “Yes, I am. I think we can keep going now.”

  “Do you know what I think?” He started the jeep and pelted me with a knowing smile. “I think you like when I say those things, which is exactly why you don’t want me to say them.”

  I gasped but I didn't get the chance to argue, because he hit the gas and we were off.

  “So, how long do you think this thing with Byron is going to last?” Caleb asked lightly, once we were past the worst of the bumpy road. He spoke as though we were the best of friends, exchanging views on our relationships. He was taking liberties with our friendship, digging deeper than he ought. I shook my head, unable to keep a firm line to my lips as they trembled with a smile. I ignored him. He wasn’t going to get me to talk about Byron.

  “Things are that bad huh?” he said with a laugh.

  “No, they are great. I’m just not talking to you about him.” I stared straight out the window with my arms folded defiantly.

  “Talk to me about something else then.”

  I shook my head at him. “I did last night, remember?"

  "Oh, you mean when you were coming on to me in my bed?"

  I opened my mouth to argue but I knew he was trying to get a rise out of me, so I held back. It was surprisingly easy to banter with him this way. "You first," I said. "How’s life? How’s your dad; is he still in North Carolina?” I had always wanted to meet the man who was Caleb’s best friend. He talked about his dad a lot, years ago.

  Caleb sobered and looked forward with a delicate frown. “He uh,” he cleared his throat. “He died a few years back.”

  I blinked, unsure of what to say. I knew how much his dad meant to him.
And Caleb had no other family, which meant that he had been alone all this time. “How?” I asked gently.

  Caleb slowed the jeep to a stop and stared out the windshield. “He had a heart attack.”

  My heart twisted after hearing the sadness in his voice. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

  “He died in my arms.” Caleb looked at me with sorrow in his eyes.

  I couldn't imagine the pain he must have endured. How horrible to deal with that all on your own. “Caleb…” I wanted to comfort him, to show my compassion but was unsure how.

  His throat bobbed and he rasped, “I haven’t told anyone that part.”

  My eyes stung as I watched him try to hold it together. I scooted to the edge of my seat. “Come here.” I pulled him in for a hug which he willingly succumbed to. I rubbed his back, unsure of how else to comfort him.

  “It was so bad.” He sniffed against my hair and cleared his voice. “He cried out to me, over and over as we waited for the ambulance, but he was long gone by the time they got there.” Caleb’s voice broke and he stayed quiet.

  I tried not to picture him holding his dying best friend and father, but the image was already there and it cut at my heart. “I’m so sorry, Caleb. Didn’t you talk with Simon about all this when it happened?”

  “No, I didn’t tell him the details. He stuck with me through it all, and came to the funeral, which I was grateful for.”

  I listened, with our arms wrapped around one another, and wondered if I should feel guilty about our current situation, but I didn’t. Caleb seemed to need a listening ear on this tender subject, and I would be there for him.

  We sat in silence, and while the air was still, I could sense a surge charging between us. It was impossible to feel so connected with him. It had been years. Six long years since we had held one another like this. Why the sudden need for him now? “Caleb,” I breathed.

  He pulled back a few mere inches and reached up, framing my face with his hands. I wasn't sure what my face looked like because I was a whirlwind of emotions on the inside. I wanted to take him into my arms. I wanted to slap him, to cry. And I wanted to kiss him. I had no doubts he was feeling the same way with the look in his light eyes. I shook my head with regret and swallowed. I was with Byron; Caleb was too late.

  Caleb's eyes dipped to my lips and he moved closer, his mouth hesitated in front of mine. I reached both hands up to either side of his face and stared deep into his eyes. “Caleb, don’t. It won’t do any good. Things have changed; I have changed. I’m with Byron now.” A stab of pain went through me as I denied him, and I wanted nothing more than to recant; but I couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to Byron, to me, to Caleb; I couldn't give in.

  Caleb’s eyes tightened, he nodded and with our hands still holding each other’s faces, he rested his forehead against mine.

  CHAPTER 9

  The ride was quiet back to the lodge. Caleb kept a hold of my hand and I didn’t pull away. I knew I shouldn’t let him, but I did. I also knew that once we got out of the jeep, our walls would have to go back up. As we neared the lodge, I wondered if he had real feelings for me. He made it perfectly clear before that he didn't get attached, but it seemed like he might have changed. This was all nonsense anyway. We barely knew one another, no matter how my heart thudded each time he glanced my way.

  After parking at the garages, Caleb turned to me and squeezed my hand. I looked into his eyes for a few seconds, then put my wall back up. I gave him a small smile and he nodded once, letting go of my hand. “Thank you,” I said, reaching for the door handle. Caleb nodded again and I stepped out, shutting the door behind me.

  I took a few deep breaths to clear my head. It was so easy to get caught up in him. How had I let that happen? I was annoyed with Caleb, and myself. The man sucked me in like a moth to a flame. What did that say about me, about my own character?

  I had only made it a short distance when Byron came out of nowhere. “Hey, are you okay? The instructor said you passed out. That isn’t like you.” He hugged me. I looked over his shoulder at the jeep, and saw Caleb watching us. Our eyes met for a few seconds before he turned away and rested his forehead against his arms on the steering wheel. I swallowed and closed my eyes at the sight of him. I needed to leave. He jumbled my thoughts. I pulled back and took Byron’s hand to get us away from Caleb. “I’m okay now. I didn’t eat much this morning, so that, mixed with my nerves, didn't go over well.”

  In the front of the lodge, Byron pulled me to a stop for a kiss and made it longer than I anticipated. I melted into his embrace, nearly in control of myself again.

  “Let’s get you some lunch then. They have a big spread out back.” Byron’s attention was suddenly behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see Caleb with his hands in his pockets. “Thanks for bringing her back, Caleb. Sorry about the trouble. I should’ve waited behind and let you jump first.”

  Caleb waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It was my pleasure to help.”

  I looked away quickly and cleared my throat. “I’m going to use the restroom and I’ll meet you out back,” I said to Byron.

  Before anymore could be said, I walked up the steps, through the front doors, and straight to the bathroom. I didn't really need the bathroom; I needed a minute to myself. I sat on a small love seat in the sitting area and with my elbows on my knees, covering my face with my hands.

  I tried not to replay everything that had just happened with Caleb but that’s exactly what I did. Caleb’s flirting, his heartbreak over his dad, his hands on my face. I groaned in frustration and rubbed my eyes.

  I took in a long breath, walked to the mirror, and checked my appearance. My face was a touch flushed and I splashed some cold water on it. I dried myself and narrowed my eyes at my reflection. “Men are stupid. Don’t let him get to you,” I muttered.

  “Amen, honey!”

  I whirled around at the voice that came from one of the stalls; I thought I was alone in here. A fair amount of tension left my shoulders when I released a laugh.

  “You be your own Boss-Lady!”

  I laughed again at my hidden ally. “You know what? You’re right. I am my own Boss-Lady.”

  “That’s right. You show them what’s up, girl!”

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  “Yeah!”

  I turned back to my smiling reflection and nodded. “You got this.”

  “Go get ‘em, girl!”

  I tossed my paper towel in the trash and marched out of the bathroom. As I headed toward the back door, I spotted Holly down a side hall and called out to her. She turned, her brows knit with tension and I met up with her.

  “How was the zipline?” she asked with what she must have thought was a convincing smile.

  I shrugged. “I didn’t go,” I said dismissively. “Are you okay?”

  Her eyes widened and she scratched at her nose. “Yes. Everything is under control. I have everything in hand.”

  I frowned and glanced around us before opening the door to my immediate left. I tugged her arm and dragged her with me into an office.

  “Honestly, everything is alright,” she protested.

  Taking a seat in one of the two armed chairs near a stone fireplace, I then gestured for her to take the other. After a moment of hesitation, she acquiesced.

  “Is my family driving you crazy?” I laughed. I rolled my eyes dramatically when I thought of my brothers. “Don’t tell me...my brothers have been hitting on you non-stop.”

  Holly laughed, then dropped her head back against the chair. She kept it there while her fingers drummed. “No. I wish it was your brothers who won’t leave me be.” She ended in a quiet tone and I waited patiently for the rest; glad to have something to keep my mind occupied. Holly’s fingers came to a sudden stop. “I have a cousin here, and I can’t stand him. He’s the bane of my existence.”

  I pursed my lips, nodding. “Okay,” I said slowly. “And he’s insanely hot but he’s your cousin so you feel grossed out with yours
elf?” I guessed, knowing I was wrong but glad my insinuation provoked a laugh from her.

  She sat up, grinning still. “No. He’s not attractive in any way.” She sighed. “He’s here for a visit at the wrong time, considering everything we have planned for your party this week. He complicates things to an Olympic degree.”

  “Oh,” I frowned. “Maybe I should sick one of my brothers on you. You know, get your mind off this loathsome cousin.”

  Holly laughed once more and stood, walking over to the mahogany desk. “Maybe you’re right. Although I’d have no idea what I’m doing.” She opened a pill bottle and popped one into her mouth before sipping from a water bottle. “I hope this headache goes away. I have a lot more to do today.”

  I was staring at her with a hesitant smile. “What do you mean you have no idea what you’re doing?” I backtracked. “With men?”

  Holly folded her arms and leaned back against the desk. “I’ve never been one for much of a social life.”

  I leaned forward resting my arms on my knees and studied her. “You don’t have to have a raging social life to have a man. Haven’t you ever had a boyfriend?”

  She shook her head, looking at the floor. She didn’t seem embarrassed with the admittance, which meant there must be another reason. I didn’t want to pry too much into her private life. If she wanted to speak about it, she would.

  “I have no need for a man,” she smiled, though it was off. She shrugged. “Besides, there are no men in this place to choose from, anyway.”

  I wanted to lift her spirits before I got back to my own complicated life. I stood and headed for the door, looking over my shoulder at her. Her mouth was slack with my sudden departure. “I’ll send one of my brothers in. Stay put.”

  She gasped, and before she could protest, I hurried away. I had no intention of following through. My hope was that this would get her mind off her cousin for a bit. If she was too busy hiding and avoiding being cornered by Bryce or Parker, maybe it would help.

  There were two long tables of food and another table of beverages on a huge deck overlooking the lake. My mom and dad had the caterers going all out this weekend. Byron met me at the door, and we filled our plates before sitting at a big table with Katie, Simon, Olivia, Cameron, and my brothers.