“Goodbye, Amy.” Finality rang in his voice, before he turned away.
I blinked my raw eyes and was taken back.
Six Years Earlier…
As we walked hand in hand on the trail through trees, I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. How in the world did I get myself into this mess? I’d been dreading this moment since the first day I met Caleb. I knew it would hurt to say goodbye, but I never anticipated it to be this bad.
Caleb squeezed my hand and I wondered what was going through his mind. He was keeping it together way better than I was. Of course, I cared more for him than he did for me, so that's how it would be. I felt a wave of sickness. I was never going to get over him. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t even know how to go about it. I’d have to speak with Katie. She went through almost the same thing every year. Maybe I could learn from her how not to die of a broken heart.
Caleb pulled me to an abrupt stop. He reached up and brushed the hair away I was using to hide from him. I glanced up at him through my tears and my chin began to tremble; I was losing it. Caleb’s throat bobbed and wondered how much he was hiding from me. He had done a superb job, not to let feelings get in the way with anyone before and this was no different. He was the same man I met days ago, and he would remain that lonely man forever.
Caleb took my face in his hands and focused longingly at my mouth. Was he insane? There was no way, absolutely no way I could handle a kiss. I refused to have a goodbye kiss with this man. It was too much, too painful, and wasn’t fair.
Caleb’s jaw clenched as he looked at my lips again. He leaned in, and for once, he was not going to make me ask. If I let him, I wouldn’t be able to stop him. I would love and hate every second of it. His breath touched my lips and I took myself by surprise. “Don’t,” I whispered. “Please don’t.” My voice broke into a sob.
Caleb let out a breath and hugged me close. I covered my face and hid in his chest as my shoulders shook under his arms. I was annoyed with myself. I had planned to say goodbye in a way that would make him want me, miss me, think of me later, and now I was sure he couldn’t wait to see the back of me.
“Shhh. You’ll be alright. I don’t want you to be sad,” Caleb whispered.
My breathing eventually slowed, and I pulled back, looking into his eyes. I reached up and ran my hands through his hair one last time, and held the back of his neck. He was so beautiful in that moment; it was almost hard to look at him. And, as if he knew what I was thinking, a slow half-smile brought his dimple out to bid goodbye. I leaned in and kissed his dimple, lingering too long, but not long enough. Someone called my name; it was time to leave. The sickness was back. I was going to be sick. Caleb hugged me one more time.
“Goodbye,” I said in a small, shaky voice.
“Goodbye, Amy.”
I tore out of his arms, throwing a hand over my mouth, and walked away without another look back. Once I was sure I had made it far enough, I vomited.
Present Day
I blinked. My heart was breaking again. He was leaving. I was watching him walk away and I didn’t know if, or when, I would ever see him. It ruined me the last time and it would ruin me now. He would just be gone. He would never smile at me, never make me laugh, or feel safe. Never again would he say hey, girl or ask me... I had always regretted not getting that goodbye kiss.
“Kiss me,” I whispered. My breathing came faster with what I’d asked him to do.
Caleb stopped in his tracks only a few steps away, and his body stilled. He turned around slowly, with a warning in his glistening eyes. He thought I was toying with him I guessed, but he was wrong. I wanted him right now more than ever.
“Kiss me,” I breathed.
Caleb rushed toward me, and with his hands on my shoulders, backed me up against a large tree. I could see that he wanted me, but he just stared into my eyes, restraining himself. What was he waiting for? I was ready and willing. I wanted this.
“Kiss me,” I said again.
I closed my eyes as Caleb leaned in, kissing my cheek and nothing else. I opened my eyes to see that his own were guarded. He was making me ask him over and over, the way he had always asked me over and over.
“Kiss me,” I whispered.
Those blue eyes stayed on mine as he leaned in and pressed his lips briefly to mine. Gone again. I could see he wasn’t going to give me what I was asking for.
What did he want from me, to beg?
His hands left my shoulders, burning a trail as they slid down my arms to my wrists. He brought them to either side of my head against the tree, and searched my face until he met my eyes.
I could hardly think. He was driving me crazy. I leaned forward to take what I wanted but Caleb backed his face away just far enough. I breathed out heavily in frustration.
“Aggravating, isn’t it?” His voice was low and taunting, and his eyes bore into mine. “To have something you want so badly, so close, but you can’t have it.”
“Caleb…” I begged on the verge of tears.
He shook his head slightly and I whimpered.
“Now you know what it’s like.” He traded my hand for my chin; his thumb stroked roughly against my lips. “Do you know how many times I have wanted your lips? How many times did you deny me? How many times did I have to watch you kiss him?”
“Caleb...” I whimpered against his thumb.
He came so close, our noses were touching. “Caleb, what?” he whispered.
I glared. “You know what.”
He brought his nose just under my right ear, skimming down my neck, and then along my jaw. My body started to tremble, and my hands shook. He paused near the side of my mouth, his thumb relentlessly stroking my lip. His breath was on me, teasing me, and I snapped.
“Damnit Caleb, kiss me!” I felt a tear escape “Please...” I choked.
The fire in Caleb’s eyes unleashed. He brought his hands to either side of my face and crushed his lips to mine. This time, he wasn’t careful and he did not pull away. He deepened our kiss as soon as our lips met and I ran my hands through his hair, holding onto him for dear life. I couldn’t believe I had put him off all those times. He was better than I remembered, better than I had imagined. I clung even closer to him, and he pressed a hand to my lower back, pulling me in. “Caleb,” I whimpered on his mouth, and he groaned, taking our kiss to another passionate level. I was in heaven in Caleb’s arms. He held me to him, and I never wanted it to end, ever.
I pulled away slightly, trying to catch my breath. His eyes were wild for more and he kissed me again; first on the lips, and then he trailed kisses over my cheek, across my jaw, and down to my neck. It was too good, and I was getting too swept away. Caleb kissed me again before backing off, and his breath came heavily as mine. He brushed my hair back from my face and smiled.
I shook my head and gave him a sly grin through my panting. “If I’d have remembered clearly what I was missing out on, I probably wouldn’t have put you off for so long.”
He shook his head now. “I shouldn’t have let you put me off.”
I pulled him to me, kissing him deeply and smiled when he groaned. “Had enough?” I taunted.
He looked at me seriously, holding the side of my face. “I could never get enough of you, Amy,” he said softly. The tender look that entered his eye melted my heart and he leaned in kissing me again, slowly, sweetly.
A noise cracked causing me to jump. Caleb and I looked toward the sound. Byron stood with eyes wide and mouth open slightly. We all stilled for a few seconds and then Byron started shaking his head.
My stomach dropped to my feet. No. What have I done? I pushed Caleb gently away from me and hurried toward Byron.
He held his hand out, his brows pulled low. “Don’t. Just, don’t.”
“Byron, wait, please,” I begged.
He shook his head. “No. I should’ve known better. They warned me, but I didn’t listen.” He glared behind me at Caleb, before turning his back to walk away.
I pu
lled his arm. “No, Byron, please. I’m sorry…”
He ripped his arm from my grip and stormed off.
I held a hand over my sick stomach, and one on my forehead. I heard Caleb behind me and I turned on him, unleashing everything. “How could you do this! Why did you have to keep coming at me? I put you off for a reason. Why couldn’t you leave me alone?” I screamed at him and cried again. “Everything with Byron is ruined now: what we had, your friendship, your work! Why couldn’t you just stop?” Caleb’s eyes were all gentle concern as he watched me break down, and I was frustrated that I was the only one out of sorts. “Well? You have nothing to say? Nothing?” I cried and shoved at his chest. Caleb reached for me but I backed away. “Why?” I choked. “Why did you do this?”
He was holding back; I could see it. But all at once, his face broke, and his eyes were pleading. “Because I love you.”
I gaped at him.
“I love you, Amy. I always have. I loved you back then, and I love you still.”
I shook my head frantically. “No…no you said—you told me—”
“I know, but I never got over you. I love you, Amy. You said you would never leave me if you had a choice, and I want you to choose me.” He took a cautious step toward me and then another until he was right in front of me. He looked into my eyes and brushed a stray hair off my face. “Please don't leave me now. Please, Amy…I want you.” He kissed my forehead.
I was beyond overwhelmed. I felt numb. I needed out; I needed to think. “I can’t—I can’t do this.” I shook my head and ran into the forest with Caleb calling after me. Once I couldn’t hear him any longer, I gasped and threw my hand over my chest as another painful memory hit me.
Six Years Earlier…
Those first few days after camp were the worst. I couldn’t move on; I didn’t even know how. I stayed shut up in me and Katie’s room as much as I could. I was afraid I’d forget the sound of his voice, the feel of my hands in his hair, how light blue his eyes were, his beautiful face, his smell, his touch, his kiss. I hated that I denied myself a last kiss with him. What had I been thinking? It’s not as if it would hurt any more than it did already. I tried to keep everything about him at the forefront of my mind. I didn’t want to forget anything.
I was lying on my bed when Katie came in and sat beside me. We hadn’t spoken since our argument at camp, but she held my hand the whole way home, knowing what I was going through. I envied her. She was taking it much better than I was. Of course, she would see Simon again, and was probably counting down the days already. I know I would be, if I had that guarantee.
Katie pet my hair as I faced away from her. “Amy, why don’t you come and have something to eat? You’ve barely had anything since we’ve been home.” Katie’s voice was quiet and nurturing.
“I can’t,” I whispered. I turned over to face her. “How do you do it? How do you get on with life like it never happened?” My voice shook and I swallowed. “I can’t stand it, Katie. I can’t stand feeling like this.” I shook my head with regret. “I’m so sorry. I never understood why you acted the way you did when we would come home each year, but now…” I smiled through tears. “You took it like a champ.”
Katie’s lips turned up in a sad smile. “At least Caleb returned your affections. I mean I know Simon cares about me, but I don’t think it’s the same for him as it is for me.”
I opened my mouth and snapped it shut. Telling her how Simon felt would probably make it worse. She was wrong, though. “I don’t think Caleb cares for me quite the same either. He told me he didn’t get attached.” My chin trembled and Katie pulled me in for a hug which I returned. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t know it would hurt this much to leave him.” Katie nodded against my shoulder and sniffed. I felt slightly better that I wasn’t the only one. “I’ll tell you what, though,” I pulled back from Katie and looked at her. “If I ever get the chance to be with him again, I’ll never let him go.”
CHAPTER 22
My mind was spinning. Caleb loved me? How? When? I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t. If he loved me all that time, why did he never reach out to me? Why hadn’t he said something when he saw me again?
Caleb’s hurt face was circling around in my mind, along with Byron’s betrayed eyes. How did I let this happen? Caleb and I had balanced on a dangerous edge and we had finally fallen off. There was no going back.
Once I could no longer hear Caleb behind me, I slowed my pace. I didn't know where I was headed but I couldn’t care less. I wanted to get as far away from this mess as I could.
The path I was on disappeared into thick bushes and wild grass. I pushed through them until I came to an incline, but I didn't hesitate. I lifted my dress, which was probably ruined by now, and climbed. My shoes slipped again and again. I pushed forward, unwilling to stop. By the time the ground flattened, I was breathing so hard that my lungs hurt, and decided I had better stop. I placed my hand on a tree, bracing myself. Lightheadedness caused the world to spin out of focus and I cursed myself for not eating dinner.
After the trees came into focus and my breath came easier, I noticed a familiar sound. I turned right and followed the cry, ducking under low hanging branches. The tree’s branches were thick with clusters of leaves tearing at my hair and scraping my arms. I pushed on until I caught sight of the white fluff ball I was searching for. “Sparkle!” Sparkle yapped but stayed where she was. I crept closer, straining my eyes to see through the darkness which had swallowed the evening. When I was close enough to see her clearly, I gasped. “Sparkle?”
Sparkle was in bad shape from what I could make out. She was dirty, and I was afraid the dark color that covered her was blood. I took careful steps toward her and held my hand out. Sparkle sniffed and licked my finger, but she still didn't come to me. I kneeled down, tugging her gently and her cry made me jump. I released her before taking hold again and realized her fur was matted and horribly intertwined in the needled branches. “Hold on, girl,” I cooed.
How long had she been stuck here? I sighed and looked around, completely helpless. Sparkle licked my hand once more and whined. “I know, girl. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where we are to find you again if I leave. I don’t know what to do.” Tears burned my dry, sore eyes. I was exhausted, over-emotional, and now I was in another situation that I didn't know how to fix. “I don’t know what to do,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do. I wish Caleb was here.” As upset as I was him at that moment, it was true. I wanted him there to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. I pet Sparkle’s head as my tears fell. “I wish Caleb was here.” Sparkle whined and licked my hand.
I sat on the cold earth floor and scooted closer to Sparkle. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.” I sighed. I was so tired and felt sick, but I couldn't leave her here. I kneeled in front of her once more and pulled again. Sparkle cried and nipped at me. I gasped and pulled my hand away. “What do you want me to do! I can’t just leave you here!” I cried. I sniffed and pressed my hands to my eyes trying to think. I had to go find Caleb. Even with everything that was going on, he needed to know she was here. I inhaled deeply for a moment and looked at Sparkle. “I’ll be back, girl. Caleb will be back.” I turned and walked back through the trees. Sparkle barked and whined over and over the further I got from her.
When I reached the flat ground I had come to after climbing the hill, I crouched down to make my way slowly down. The branches and rocks helped to keep my pace steady. Near the bottom, the branch I was clinging to broke. My pace picked up, and I was forced into a run. I had good balance until the very end, but I slipped and landed on my side. I cried out as I felt my left ankle cracked against something. There was a stab in my side as I rolled once, coming to a stop under a bush. I groaned, pulling myself out from the bush, and gasped at the pain that shot through my leg. My side stung. I treaded the wound with my fingertips, feeling something hard and foreign. My fingers were wet and my
stomach rolled when I felt how much blood there was on my dress.
I dragged myself over a few feet to a nearby tree and hoisted myself upright, determined not to let my injuries hold me back. I took a step with my right foot and braced myself for the left. I cried out again at the searing pain, and then in frustration. My breath came faster and faster, and I began to hyperventilate. The pain in my side worsened and panic came over me; nobody knew where I was. How long would it take to find me?
I tried to calm down, but it was useless. After no sleep the night before and the emotional and physical pain I was in, I was ready to give up.
I sniffed and wiped my face. Should I take the thing out of my side? Would that make it worse? I wished for once that I was a nurse, like my mom and Katie. I looked around helplessly and sobbed.
“Amy!” Someone was calling for me, but it was distant and I couldn’t tell who.
I took a step toward the voice, not thinking, and fell. “Help me!” I yelled, and coughed again. “Help!”
There was no answer. I groaned, pulling myself onto all fours, and crawled. The pain in my side was getting worse with each movement, but still, I pushed on. When I was beginning to wonder if I was even headed in the right direction, a deafening boom echoed across the forest and the sky lit up with fireworks. I scrambled on my hands and knees the best I could to take advantage of the light.
“Amy! Where did you go? Where are you?” It was Byron. He had come back for me. My eyes were on fire when the tears came again. The pain was so severe, I had to stop crawling and squeezed them shut. “Byron!” I called. “Byron!”
The fireworks were exploding above. I wasn't sure he could even hear my hysterical cries.
“Amy!” His voice was closer now.
“Byron, I’m here! Byron!” I was sobbing by now, but I wrenched my eyes open, and in one quick move I was on my feet. The familiar tingling traveled through my body, and the last thing I saw was Byron running toward me before I passed out.
It Was Always You Page 18