by Lexi Ostrow
Marshall almost missed the subtle vibration against his left thigh, mistaking it just for normal footstep pulsation. Unzipping the lower pocket on the pants, he grabbed his phone only to have his breath catch in his throat. Anna’s name glared up at him from the screen. He wasn’t certain if the call meant anything positive, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer it. So, he stood there, staring at it until it stopped ringing all together, her name disappearing off the screen as she had from his life so many years ago.
Dumbfounded, he continued to stare at the now black screen. He wasn’t certain how long he’d stood there, but he knew that he must have looked like a damned fool.
“Marshall! That phone isn’t going to use itself,” Susie, another lodge worker, shouted and gave him a quick wave.
Shaking off whatever it was that had paralyzed him—be it fear or joy, he couldn’t be sure– he turned his phone on and hit the missed call notification to call Anna back.
“Marshall, so glad you called me back.” Anna’s voice rang cheerfully out of the phone.
A smile slipped over his lips from hearing her voice. Something he was certain happened any and every time he heard it.
“Yea, sorry. I was finishing up a lesson.” Partial lie. “You’re here? I had no idea.” Total lie.
“I got in this morning.”
He wasn’t certain what to say, so he kept quiet, waiting for her to bring up the note. It was the most uncomfortable silence of his life. “Um, what were you calling about, Anna?”
“Oh! Right, sorry. I was wondering, do you have some free time to meet? I wanted to see you too.” Nothing in her voice gave away anything she might be feeling. Anna sounded exactly as she always had, though it had been some time since she’d been so direct with him.
“Sure. I’d really like that, actually. Can you meet me at the lodge? Not too many people are interested in stationary ski or snowboarding lessons, but there’s still general maintenance to be done.”
“Oh, you’re working more than one job?” She was clearly shocked.
Fuck, congratulations on seeming like you can’t pay your bills. Real way to get started with a millionaire family.
“Yea, like what I do for your family. Just little things here and there to help get every chalet ready for the holiday.”
Anna laughed softly. “That makes sense. I don’t know why I always assumed you only did it for my family.”
Because you think I only do things that put me closer to you. Those words had been a knife to the gut six years ago when she’d said them the first time he’d prepared her family’s holiday home. She’d meant them, but she’d been wrong. After Mandy had died, he’d needed the money to pay off some of the hospital bills.
“About meeting me…” He let his voice trail off.
“Right. Of course. I can come up there. It’s nice out, so I think I’ll just walk.”
He nodded as if she could see him and realized how stupid that was. “Sounds like a plan. Some of the tree stumps are buried in the little bit of snow we have, so just watch your step.”
“Always looking out for me, aren’t you?”
Her voice had been playful, but the question sent a spike of ice through his body. He’d never hidden that he was still interested in her, but he wasn’t certain if she knew he’d never stopped loving her.
“Always.”
He could almost hear a smile slip over Anna’s lips, but that was impossible.
“I’ll see you in twenty minutes, Marshall.”
“Right. Twenty minutes.” Taking the phone away from his ear, he ended the call. “In twenty minutes, you’ll either be heartbroken or the happiest you’ve been in a damned long time.” Still holding the phone, he walked toward the lodge to wait for his fate.
It had been less than a year since she’d seen Marshall, but the sight of him took her breath away. It always did. His dark hair had grown out some, touching just below his ears, and she could see from his sideburns that he’d let his beard grow out once more. His work outfit left everything to the imagination, but she knew just how firm his body was beneath the warm snow outfit. There was nothing special about the way Marshall was standing. In fact, his back was too her, and he was chatting with a guy behind the registration desk.
But Anna knew it was Marshall.
She would always know him, no matter how much time passed or what feelings they shared or didn’t share. Marshall had been her first love and the one that had gotten away. For years, she’d regretted losing contact with him when she’d gone to Oxford, but never as much as in the current moment. Her heart beat faster, and she would have sworn she’d swallowed a whole net full of butterflies the way her insides squirmed. Today would be the day she said goodbye to her past and embraced any sort of future she would have with Adam, no matter how long or short it would be. It was time to finally put the past to bed.
“Marshall?” she called out when she was a few steps away, not sure if she was interrupting anything important.
A grin lit his face as he turned and saw her. One that set her heart pounding even faster as she forced away thoughts of how dazzling that smile was, and how wonderful it felt to know the smile was for her.
“Anna,” Marshall said, stopping nearly toe-to-toe with her before waving to the man behind the desk. “You look amazing.” His eyes trailed over her.
“So do you,” she said with a small smile, resisting the urge to give his arm a squeeze.
He looked better than good. He looked perfect. Exactly the same man she’d fallen in love with more than ten years ago but with the wisdom of a man who had been through too much. Every inch of his body was burned into her memory and slowly awakening as she stared at him. She felt the heat of a flush rising up her cheeks and prayed Marshall did not see it because she couldn’t rightly tell him she was remembering his strong arms wrapped around her as they’d kissed.
“I’m glad you’re here a little earlier this year. I didn’t see much of you last Christmas,” Marshall said as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.
That had been intentional on her part. Her brother had been celebrating his wedding, and the last thing Anna had wanted was to be around Marshall when love was in the air. Then Nick had fallen head over heels in love too. Pair that with the earrings Marshall had given her, and she had been in no condition to spend time with him. They’d ended things painfully and awkwardly every time they had seen one another, but she’d never gotten over him and every time she was with him, the urge to open up the past was hard to ignore.
That is why you intend to finally say a real goodbye. You can’t keep pining after a man who doesn’t fit into your lifestyle and whose lifestyle you don’t fit into.
She started to speak, but he reached out his right hand and gently touched her cheek. A chill that had nothing to do with the temperature in the lodge raced through her, and her mouth parted when he took his hand away.
“You’re wearing the earrings.” He seemed satisfied.
Nervously, she reached up with both hands and grasped the small snowflakes. “They are very beautiful. I can’t think of a better pair to wear while celebrating the holidays.” She wanted him to touch her again, even though it would lead to horrible actions.
His smile deepened, but he didn’t touch her again. Anna wasn’t certain if she was angry with him for that or grateful.
“Can we talk while I work? I owe the Middrones some firewood before they arrive tonight.”
Nodding reverently, she followed a step behind him as he walked out the lodge’s front doors and around to the back. He moved gracefully, despite his burly size—something she always assumed helped him on the slopes. Her head tilted to the side as she watched him snatch the axe out of a nearby stump. In one quick motion, he swung and split the log in two, his muscles flexing enough to be seen under the snowsuit.
“You came up early this year,” Marshall said, grabbing another log to split.
“I was hoping some of the Christmas magic up here would w
ork for me this year.” She wasn’t certain why she told him that, only that it made her feel like a little girl wishing for Santa to bring her the impossible.
He laughed and gave her a dazzling grin that reached his eyes. “Well, I’m sure you’ll get it. If it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that your sister-in-law oozes enough magic to make Santa real.”
She genuinely smiled and felt herself relax. She was going to bring up a difficult topic sooner or later, but it felt nice just to talk to him.
“Do you have plans for the holidays this year?” The question felt as hollow as it sounded.
“Same as every year.”
Marshall’s parents had passed soon after she’d gone away to college. Then he’d lost his wife a year after they’d graduated. She wasn’t even sure what ‘same as every year meant’, and that upset her.
Opening her mouth to ask, she closed it. She wasn’t there to be his friend. They needed closure, and even if all he wanted to do was pass her Christmas presents but never look at her, she was going to be the grownup this time. They couldn’t keep ignoring each other or exchanging gifts with far too much meaning than they should have.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Anna asked as she forced herself to stare anywhere but at Marshall’s strong arms as he swung the axe again.
“About us.” He huffed as he plucked a difficult piece of wood from the pile. “It’s something we haven’t ever done, but honestly Anna, we aren’t getting any younger.” He swung a wide arc and sliced clean through another log, tossing both pieces onto the tarp he would tie up to bring to the Middrones. “I’m tired of dancing around us and slipping away when you enter a room.” Thwack “Aren’t you?”
Blowing out the breath she’d been holding, she shifted her gaze to Marshall’s face, trying to read if he wanted to end their ridiculous encounters or make them into something more—as his present last Christmas seemed to get at.
“I am.” Tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear, she found herself fidgeting with her hands, a habit she’d long since stopped. Grabbing one hand with the other, she forced herself to remain still. “I came early to talk to you. I agree with you.”
Marshall set the axe down, his blue eyes blazing at her. She could see the tension in his neck and knew every muscle in his body would be taut. He was as nervous as she was.
All the more reason to rip the Band-Aid off.
“And what were you going to say to me?” Marshall asked, voice an octave lower as he stepped around the chopping stump and stopped in front of her.
She could feel the warmth radiating off his body, wrapping around her as surely as if he’d taken her into his arms. Her breathing hitched as she took in the unique smell of pine trees and sweat, the only scent Marshall ever bore and one uniquely suited for his life up in the mountains. Inhaling, she grew dizzy from the smell.
“Marshall,” she breathed out.
“Yes?” He was as close to her as he could be without physically touching her, his body crowding her in a sensual way without him even trying.
She tried to find her voice, to tell him that she’d come to have the goodbye they should have had years ago. Only she couldn’t. Her tongue felt a million times too large, and her mouth was dry as she resisted the urge to put her hand on Marshall’s chest.
He, however, did not resist.
His right hand covered her heart, and a smirk slid over his lips—a dangerously sexy smirk that had her heart flip-flopping in her chest. Heat blossomed where he touched, and she felt herself grow wet from the simple touch.
“I still excite you.” The words were matter-of-fact, not boastful.
His lips covered hers, and she was lost. She could feel how chapped his were from a career spent outside in the winter cold, yet they were soft as they moved over her perfectly cared for mouth. His tongue swiped over the seam of her mouth as his arms wrapped around her, tugging her against his muscled body. She melded against him, feeling the hard planes of his stomach against hers and the beginning of his erection as she let her body intimately press against his. Hands trailed over her back, dancing like slowly falling snow and leaving tingles in their wake. For just a moment, she let him deepen their kiss, reveling in the way they could pick up as if they’d never spent a day apart. As if Adam didn’t exist.
Adam.
As effortlessly as she’d allowed the kiss to begin, she pulled her head back—the spell broken.
“I can’t do that,” she gasped harshly, trying to catch her breath.
“It felt like you could just fine,” Marshall retorted.
“I came to talk to you.” She swallowed air, trying to calm herself down from the intensity of the briefest kiss they’d ever shared.
“We can do that after.” Marshall threaded his hand through the hair on the back of her neck and dipped his head to hers.
“Marshall, stop.” She forced her voice to have the composure it had when she was at work.
His hand slid out of her hair, and he stepped back, arching a dark brow.
“I came up here to finally say goodbye. We never got that. You didn’t let us, and by the time I saw you again after college, you were grieving and it didn’t seem right.”
She watched as his hand clenched, knuckles going white—pointing out he’d never put on gloves when they’d come out. She hadn’t even noticed the cold chill of his hand because of the race of passion he’d elicited.
“You came to say goodbye, but did that?” he practically growled.
“You did that.”
“And you let me, damn it, Anna.” He shoved his fingers in his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. “You were involved in that too, Anna.” His tone cooled as quickly as it had erupted with anger. “You came for goodbye, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I wanted to speak to you, to force us to make a choice. If it had been goodbye, I would have held my tongue, but not after that. I won’t ignore that.”
“I’m with someone, Marshall. Someone serious. The memory of what we had is stopping me from letting him in, and he’s a good guy.”
His arms crossed over his chest, but his tone remained calm as if he knew that shouting would send her flying away from him—even though he was the one who had run the last time.
“I’m certain, if you kissed me like that, it’s not even slightly serious.”
Sucking in a lungful of air, she blew it out. “It’s serious when I’m not with you. It started shortly after I saw you last. Right now, it’s just fun and casual, but I could see myself spending forever with him.”
Her words set him off. His voice rose louder than she’d ever heard it, he stepped close to her once again—radiating fury, not passion. “Then get away from me, Anna. Get far away because I’m not going to let you break me again.”
She swallowed hard but held her ground. “Goodbye, Marshall. I’ve waited ten years to say that to you.” Turning on her heel, she felt the tears begin to rise as she stalked away from him.
Saying it hadn’t felt anything like she’d hoped.
He wasn’t certain what on Earth had just fucking happened. One moment, he had been chopping wood, and the next, he’d been unable to stop himself from going over to her when she’d revealed she’d wanted to talk about them. Suddenly, they had been kissing, and nearly as suddenly, he had been shouting at her while she’d professed to be in a relationship with another man.
Watching her as she stomped away, he couldn’t begin to comprehend what had happened to him. It was as if something inside of him had snapped, and he had finally said all the things someone had needed to say for years. The problem was that it left him feeling as if he were trapped inside a weighted barrel that had just been dropped off Niagara Falls.
Every word that had come out of his mouth had been true, but it had been spoken in anger. Seeing her walk away was as debilitating as the night he’d walked away. He felt frozen in place, capable of doing nothing expect watching her leave when all he wanted to do was run after her and apologize. She’d
caught him off guard, kissing him like that and then telling him she was with someone else. His explosion hadn’t been an overreaction, but it had been stupid. After a decade of barely communicating the one time he decides to is the one thing he should have kept to himself and cooled down.
It hadn’t even been a minute since Anna had spat her goodbye at him, and he knew it had been a mistake. No part of him was ready to let Anna go after that kiss. He only did because of a heavy dose of anger that he was too late to truly sweep her off her feet since he hadn’t gotten his nerves in check in time to seek her out. Instead, all he’d done was awkward waves and sentimental presents years after year.
Pressing his hands into the side of his head, he forced himself to breathe and look away from Anna’s rapidly retreating figure. Squeezing his eyes shut, he managed to replay the entire ten minutes they’d spent together, and all he saw was a man who had grown jealous and a woman who clearly hadn’t been being honest with herself.
Anna’s eyes had looked at him with more than lust, he’d seen emotion flaring at him as they’d talked. That was why he’d touched her, and that touch had turned into a kiss he hadn’t known he’d been waiting the last ten years for. The mere thought of it sent blood rushing down south, but it was more than that. The feel of Anna in his arms had taken him back to high school, to a time he’d hoped he could relive again or forget if she wasn’t interested.
There was the rub. She was interested. Every part of her had responded to him and she was wearing his earrings. He knew how many pairs she had, well could fathom a guess due to how many his late wife had had, and they had been nowhere near as well to do. Anna had chosen those earrings purposefully, either to get a rise out of him or because they meant something to her.
“They mean something,” he said as he clenched a fist by his side. “They have too. She looked at me like we were still the carefree teenagers we were when we met. She kissed me like it too. They have to mean something.”