Actual Stop

by Kara A. McLeod

  My face burned even hotter. But I guess that’s what happens when your not-girlfriend teases you in front of your first love. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard.

  “We’re on our way to grab something to eat,” I told Lucia, deliberately not answering her question. “We have a walkthrough at oh-nine-hundred. Do you have time to meet me someplace?”

  “Of course. I can stop by the restaurant, if you want.”

  “That works.” I gave her the name and the cross streets and said good-bye. Without turning my head, I took the phone from Allison, feeling as if the stupid thing had betrayed me somehow.

  The silence in the car stretched out for an eternity. I kept my eyes on the road ahead, while Allison continued to watch me.

  “That your girlfriend?”

  “Uh…Yeah.” I decided it was easier to say that than to explain the nuances of our relationship. Besides, it wasn’t any of her business.

  “I didn’t realize you were seeing anyone.”

  I searched for a hidden meaning in her words but could divine nothing from her even tone.

  “Yeah” was all I could come up with. I felt like a jerk because I’d spent the entire morning lusting after Allison, and Lucia hadn’t cropped up in my thoughts even once except during the conversation I’d had with Sarah. What the hell was the matter with me?

  I lucked out and found a parking place right in front of the diner, which I managed to get into on the first try. I threw my police-issued parking placard on the dash and jumped out, drawing in a contented lungful of crisp, cool air.

  “So, what’s she like?” Allison asked as she fell in step beside me.

  I shrugged, distressed. It was childish, I’ll admit, but I hated that she could talk about my love life with such ease. It didn’t appear to bother her at all that I was seeing someone, and that stung. “She’s great.” I pushed open the door with my shoulder and walked into the restaurant.

  The hostess, a matronly woman who didn’t look a day under eighty years old, led us to a booth near the windows and left us with our menus. I deliberately kept my eyes down and read every item listed with extreme care, even though I already knew what I wanted. I could feel Allison’s eyes on me.

  “That’s it?” Allison demanded. “She’s great? That’s all I get?”

  “What more do you want?” I still didn’t look up.

  She dropped the menu on the table and abruptly stood. “I’m going to wash my hands,” she announced coolly as the waitress came over to deposit silverware and glasses of water on the table. “Order for me?”

  “What do you want?”

  “Surprise me.”

  I nodded and turned my attention to the waitress. “I’ll have egg whites with peppers, mushrooms, and spinach in a wrap; dry wheat toast; and the largest coffee you can get me. My friend will have a bowl of oatmeal with some brown sugar and raisins, the fruit plate, and a cup of tea with honey.”

  “Sure thing,” the waitress said as she wrote. “I’ll be back in a moment with the tea and coffee.”

  “What did you get me?” Allison asked when she returned a moment later. I told her, and she smiled almost tenderly. “You remembered.” She sounded oddly pleased.

  I shrugged and stood, feeling a tug around my heart. I struggled to keep both my face and my voice neutral. “Be right back.”

  I needed the few precious moments the trip to the bathroom provided in order to corral my wildly careening emotions. When I returned from washing my own hands, Allison was looking out the window at something with great interest.

  “What’s up?” I asked as I slid into my side of the booth.

  She grinned at me wickedly. “You should’ve seen the woman who just walked by. She was stunning.”

  I tried not to let my annoyance and hurt show, but I must’ve failed because Allison gave me a look that said I was being silly. As if pangs of jealousy at the thought of the former love of my life openly ogling someone in front of me were a ridiculous idea.

  She looked over my shoulder. “That’s her,” she whispered.

  I whirled around to find Lucia standing just inside the door, talking with the hostess. Of course it was. Why wouldn’t it be? And I agreed with Allison. She did look gorgeous. But Allison’s appreciation of any woman’s beauty still hurt me. That it was Lucia somehow made it worse. How much longer until I was over this?

  I waved to catch Lucia’s attention, and she said something to the elderly woman before heading our way. These next few minutes were going to be the most awkward of my life. My face got hot again, and I silently cursed my fair skin. Perhaps I should visit the tanning salon.

  Lucia gave me a strange look. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, why?” I said, probably a little too quickly.

  “Your face is red.” Lucia affectionately touched my hair as she smiled down at me.

  “Is it?” Not knowing what else to say, I opted to play dumb.

  “I’m Lucia.” She offered her hand to Allison and gave me a look equal parts puzzlement and scorn.

  Allison accepted the handshake gracefully and favored me with an almost-matching expression. “Allison. It’s very nice to meet you.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

  I scooted over a bit on the bench, feeling like a moron. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten the simple courtesies of introductions. What were the odds I’d be capable of coherent speech any time in the near future? Somehow, I suspected they were slim.

  “Do you want to join us? Do you have time?” I asked Lucia. There. Those were sentences. I was proud of myself. I was also secretly praying she didn’t have time because I was positive prolonging this experience would kill me. But it’d seemed polite to offer.

  “I can’t.” Lucia sounded truly sorry, which made me feel like an even bigger asshole, especially since my immediate reaction was relief. “Jessie’s in the car waiting for me. We have our firearms requalifications this morning and need to hustle.”

  The mention of Lucia’s ex-girlfriend, who she still sometimes had to work with, gave me pause, and bile rose in the back of my throat, thick and cloying. Talk about irony. Apparently ex-girlfriends were running around all over the place today. Oh, goody.

  With an extreme effort, I kept my expression neutral and successfully hid my distaste for the woman. I’d met her only once, but she’d made no secret of her instant dislike for me. Which had been fine with me because there was something about her I didn’t quite trust either. I suspected she wanted Lucia back and saw me as an obstacle, but Lucia had laughed at me the one and only time I’d suggested it.

  Lucia took my phone out of her pocket and handed it to me with a smile while staring directly into my eyes. Her expression of tenderness and affection was lit with an underlying spark of desire. My heart skipped a beat and my mouth went dry. I was aware of Allison watching us from the other side of the table but forced myself not to look away. Lucia was my…well, something. She deserved to have me return her attention. I favored her with what I hoped was a passing imitation of a similar look. I didn’t want to hurt her.

  “I’ll see you later,” Lucia told me, her voice soft, her tone intimate. I’d apparently done a pretty good job covering up my discomfort. She turned to Allison. “It was nice meeting you.”

  “Nice meeting you, too,” Allison said.

  Once Lucia was gone, she sat still and studied me, her countenance serious and thoughtful.

  “What?”

  “Nicely done, Ryan.” Allison winked at me.

  “Thanks,” I muttered. I shifted my attention to the number of water spots on the spoon lying on the table in front of me.

  “How long have you been seeing her?” Allison laced her fingers together and rested her chin on her hands and her elbows on the table, her expression intensely curious.

  “About six months.”

  She cocked one dark eyebrow at me and gazed at me for a long time. “Do you love her?” Her voice was low and even as she spoke, but I wasn’t sur
e whether she was just making conversation or if my answer mattered.

  The inquiry itself wasn’t nearly as complicated as the emotions the answer evoked. I enjoyed being with her. She made me laugh. I never wanted to do anything to hurt her, no matter how remotely. My day somehow wasn’t complete until I’d heard her voice, and my daily goal was to make her smile. I’d miss her terribly if I ever lost her. I guessed some people would consider that love, right?

  I thought about the conversation I’d had with Meaghan the other day and chewed on the inside of my lower lip. For the second time, I was reflecting on the difference between what I had with Lucia and what I’d once had with Allison. I didn’t like what the comparison forced me to admit. And while these weren’t exactly new thoughts, they somehow seemed more real, more urgent, with Allison sitting in front of me looking at me the way she was. Well, didn’t this just suck? Things with Lucia had been fine until yesterday, until Allison had stirred up a whole host of emotions I’d spent a considerable amount of time and effort burying. Why should one have anything at all to do with the other, anyway? It shouldn’t, as far as I could tell. Yet it did.

  The thoughts now roiling inside me were scalding and poisonous, and I had to force myself to take a breath and look at this situation rationally. It’d do me no good to get mired in sentiment. Especially not now. Not when it looked as though I was going to analyze this thing I had with Lucia sooner rather than later.

  Okay, so maybe my feelings for Lucia weren’t as strong as the love I’d felt for Allison, but that didn’t invalidate them completely, did it? Did I have to feel exactly the same for every woman I ever dated in order to call it love? That seemed unfair. I mean, I felt differently about mint chocolate-chip ice cream than swimming in the ocean, but my feelings for one shouldn’t carry more weight than my feelings for the other. They were completely different experiences, and Lucia and Allison were completely different people.

  A soft sigh slipped from me before I could stop it, and Allison’s scrutiny stripped me completely. She was the only woman ever to have touched me that deeply, and the look in those dark eyes as she gazed at me now made me wonder whether she knew it. Whether it even mattered.

  I decided not to answer her question. I still didn’t have a handle on exactly what I was feeling for Lucia, let alone tell Lucia whatever those feelings might be. I refused to be manipulated into making a declaration that—if and when it became necessary—should be for Lucia’s ears only.

  Allison’s expression melted into something almost tender, and it was clear she’d taken my silence as confirmation. I didn’t want to argue, and I didn’t want to offer explanations. Instead, I stared at her, daring her to contradict what she thought she knew, daring her to speak aloud the comparisons I could barely stand to have echo in my head. The silence as we looked at one another stretched on for an eternity. The connection was familiar, intimate, and altogether inappropriate.

  “She’s a very lucky woman, Ryan,” Allison whispered softly. “I hope she knows that.” For a fraction of a second, I’d have sworn her expression bordered on pain, but it fluctuated so swiftly I couldn’t be positive I’d seen it at all. But that was stupid. What would she have to feel bad about?

  “Thank you.” That’s right. My feelings for her are tentative and underdeveloped compared to my love for you, but she’s getting the best I have to give.

  Fortunately, the waitress chose that moment to bring our breakfasts, breaking the spell and giving us both the opportunity to pretend our conversation had never happened.

  CHAPTER NINE

  The rest of the day passed fairly well, considering our rocky start. We were unbelievably busy, which helped a lot. This trip was so last-minute, and we were swamped with a million tasks. That made it easy to ignore whatever had once been between us and allowed us to interact with one another with relative ease. Well, relative for me. Allison never had any problems interacting with anyone easily.

  By the time we finally finished all our meetings, I was almost able to forget our earlier conversation in the diner. Almost. But things were comfortable between us for the time being, which was all that really mattered.

  As we walked out of the field office, Allison bumped my shoulder lightly with her own. “Nice save.” She cast a sidelong glance in my direction, a small smile on her lips.

  “What?” I readjusted the shoulder strap of my bag so it didn’t bang into my hip quite so much when I walked.

  “That note you scribbled on my note pad about getting the loading dock cleared around the back of the building. I’d completely forgotten about that.”

  I shook my head. “No, we talked about it earlier.”

  “I know, but I’d forgotten to mention it in the meeting. What if we’d adjourned without bringing it up?”

  I shrugged. “No big deal. We still have a few days. We’d have figured it out.”

  “Ryan, it’s Saturday night. If we hadn’t told the sanitation department today that we wanted them to remove all those giant dumpsters from the arrival area, they wouldn’t have done it. If the motorcade rolled up on game day and couldn’t park because dumpsters were in the way, I would’ve gotten my ass handed to me.”

  “Oh, come on. Stop exaggerating. We would’ve found somebody to take care of it. You can’t tell me no one has emergency home numbers for those guys. I would’ve tied a rope to them and pulled them away myself if I’d had to. Can’t have anyone touching your ass, now can we?”

  Allison rolled her eyes and stopped, tugging gently on my arm to get me to break my stride as well. I opened my mouth to protest but was silenced by her fingers pressed lightly to my lips. “Just say ‘You’re welcome,’ would you?” she said softly, looking into my eyes.

  A shiver went up my spine. Her feather-light touch on my lips was warm, and I had to fight the urge to give her fingers a soft kiss. I wrapped my own fingers around her wrist and slowly removed her hand. “You’re welcome.”

  “That’s better.” Her eyes held mine for a moment longer before she finally broke the contact and resumed her gait. “Give me a lift to my hotel?”

  “Sure. Hungry?”

  “When am I not?” Allison tossed her bag into the backseat of my car with an almost-euphoric sigh. She rolled her shoulders as if working out some residual tension and opened the front passenger door. “But I’d like to take a shower first, if that’s okay.”

  “No problem. Just give me a second to make a phone call.” I stowed my own gear and started the engine.

  “No talking and driving.” Allison put her hand over the gear shift, preventing me from shifting out of park without a struggle.

  I threw up my hands in a huff. “Fine.” I punched in the numbers with more force than was really necessary and waited for someone to answer on the other end.

  “La Traviata. Can I help you?”

  “Hey, Kendra, it’s Ryan.”

  “Oh, hey, Ryan. How’s it going? Are we still going to see you tonight?”

  “No, that’s why I’m calling.” Allison’s fiddling with the programming on my radio distracted me. I slapped at her hand. “We’re not going to be able to make it. I figured you guys would be slammed, so I wanted you to know. I didn’t want you to be waiting on me.”

  “Oh, well, we’ll miss you, of course, but we can always use the table,” Kendra said over the roar in the background.

  “I’ll stop in soon. Say hi to the guys for me.”

  “Will do. Take care, Ryan.”

  “Thanks. You, too.” I hung up the phone and rounded on Allison. “I’ll shoot you. Stop messing with my stations.”

  “What was that?” Allison stopped playing with the radio and looked at me.

  “What?” I was now completely focused on pulling out into Saturday night bridge-and-tunnel traffic. I chanced a peek at her out of the corner of my eye and spied her smiling at me enigmatically.

  “The phone call. What was it?”

  “Nothing,” I lied.

  “You made dinner r
eservations.” Her voice was soft, and her tone was oddly tender.

  “Just for the Italian place down the street. I figured we’d be hungry, but they’re always busy at this time on a Saturday night, so I thought a little insurance wouldn’t hurt.”

  “That was very thoughtful, Ryan. We can eat there if you want.”

  I shook my head and narrowed my focus to the side-view mirror as I merged onto the Brooklyn Bridge. “Nah. You’re tired, and you want to take a shower. It’s fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course.”

  “I thought we could order room service, a couple of beers, and maybe start hammering out some of our paperwork. Is that okay?”

  “You mean, you thought I could start hammering out some of our paperwork?”

  “Well, yeah.” She was unrepentant as she picked lint off her sleeve. “We’re a team, aren’t we?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I muttered, amused. She was hopeless when it came to filling out the required forms for visits, and we both knew it. For some reason I had yet to figure out, it took her damn near forever. To say that it would just be faster if I did the whole thing was a gross understatement. If I let her do it, the visit would be over before she had anything that was remotely usable. It was sad, really. And somehow absolutely adorable. “How do you fudge your way through other visits? I mean, you can’t possibly con everyone into doing your work for you?”

  “Why not? Besides, I don’t think of it as conning. I consider it the spirit of teamwork.”

  “The spirit of teamwork,” I repeated skeptically.

  “Of course. They have the pleasure of working with me, and in return, I offer them the chance to gain invaluable experience by doing the paperwork. It’s win-win.”

  I laughed and shook my head, knowing when I was beaten. I also knew Allison was just joking. Though she deserved her status as the golden child, she was truly the most modest woman I’d ever met, which made it difficult for anyone—no matter how jealous they might be of her success—to dislike her.