“I was merely wondering what made you deduce that.”
She refused to be diverted. “So it was her?”
I nodded once. “Yes. She’s the last serious relationship I had before you.”
The pageant of varying emotions resumed its play across Lucia’s face. Should I have lied to her? No, that would’ve been more for my own benefit than hers, to assuage my guilt at causing her all this pain. In the long run, being honest with her was probably better. At least she wouldn’t feel betrayed if she discovered the truth later.
“You’ve never mentioned her.”
“No.”
“Why?”
I shrugged. “Nothing to say. She’s in the past. Why discuss it?”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“I assume you mean tonight.” Nice to know she trusted me.
“Yes.”
“No. I didn’t.”
“Are you sure?”
I snorted and rolled my eyes. “I think I’d remember. How the hell can you even ask me that?”
“You wanted to, though, didn’t you?”
I hesitated, and that was apparently all the response Lucia needed. She wrapped her arms around her middle and began rocking back and forth as if in intense pain. She closed her eyes, and one lone tear from each leaked out and made slow tracks down her cheeks. Shit. I should’ve just lied to her about that part. Unfortunately, lying outside of an undercover op had never been my strong suit.
“Luce.”
“What?”
“Come on.”
“Come on, what? You wanted to sleep with someone else.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“What was it like, then?” Her tone was razor sharp and cutting.
“It wasn’t a completely formed thought. Not entirely.” Well, except for those brief mental pictures I’d had of Allison in the shower. But they’d been fleeting, and I’d pushed past them as quickly as I could.
“So, what? You were just turned on then?”
“Yes.” I was relieved she seemed to comprehend my dilemma.
She laughed bitterly. “Perfect.”
I frowned. Okay, perhaps she hadn’t understood quite as well as I’d hoped. I wracked my brain, desperate for a better way to explain it to her. “Just a little.”
“There is no such thing as cheating a little bit, Ryan.”
“I didn’t cheat on you!” Was it even possible to cheat on her if we’d never talked about the status of our relationship? I wasn’t sure. I also didn’t want to bring it up.
“You were aroused by another woman!”
“What? You’ve never been attracted to anyone else since we’ve been together?”
“So you admit it, then.”
Damn. I’d walked right into that one. I wanted to smack myself upside the head. Stupid. “Yes. Fine. I admit it. I was a little turned on tonight. But nothing happened.”
“Oh, my God.”
“It isn’t like that’s something I can help, Luce.”
“She’s your ex, Ryan!”
“So?”
“So, that makes it a little different than you just being attracted to some random woman you’ve met on the street.”
“But it’s no different than if you were turned on by Jessie.” I thought I’d hit upon the perfect example that she could relate to.
Agony streaked across her features, and I instantly knew I’d said the wrong thing. “I am not attracted to Jessie,” she spat, her voice venomous.
My heart seized at the heat in her tone, and I clenched my hands into fists on my knees. “No. I wasn’t saying that. But, if you were, it’d make sense. I mean, you guys were together before, so you must’ve been attracted to her at some point. And just because you might feel a spark for her now, it doesn’t necessarily threaten what’s between you and me. That’s all I was trying to say.”
Lucia bit her lower lip and shook her head. Her eyes were brimming with anguish and distrust. “Did she make a pass at you?”
That was laughable in a twisted, painful sort of way. “No. She didn’t.”
A pause. “What if she had? Would you have fucked her then?”
“Of course not!” At least I didn’t think I would have. The almost-kiss in the car flickered in my mind, and my shame threatened to overwhelm me. What if Allison had kissed me? Would I have stopped her? Kissed her back? Did it matter if it hadn’t happened? I hadn’t actually done anything wrong, but I still felt a shade guilty.
“I don’t understand.” Her voice was a strangled sob.
“What don’t you understand?”
“How you can still love someone who broke you?”
“Who said I still love her?”
A bitter smile tugged at the corners of Lucia’s mouth, and she tilted her head to favor me with an exasperated-yet-somehow-expectant look. “Are you saying you don’t?”
I was being led right into a trap, I was sure, but I was confused because she had nothing to trap me with. I hadn’t done anything wrong, so what was she getting at? “Where’s all this coming from, Luce?”
Lucia heaved a big sigh and looked away. “Do you love me?”
“Wh—what?”
“You heard me.”
This was karma biting me in the ass for something. It had to be. Lucia hadn’t mentioned the “l word” once in six months, and now she wanted to know where we stood? If this weren’t happening to me, I’d have laughed.
“Are you sure you want to talk about this now?” I asked hesitantly, still hoping to find a way out of this without everything messily imploding.
“What’s wrong with now?”
“You’re kind of hammered.”
“And?”
Damn. I’d been hoping she’d deny it. I wouldn’t have believed her, but I could have claimed I’d taken her at her word later. “And I just don’t think the best way to have this conversation is when one of us is drunk.”
“I’m not saying anything to you now that I wouldn’t say sober.”
“Oh.”
“So? Are you going to answer my question?”
“I just…I don’t know what to say. I mean, you’ve never seemed interested in feelings before.”
She scowled at me darkly. “What do you think we’ve been doing all this time?”
“I…I hadn’t ever taken the time to label it. I didn’t think you had either.”
“Jesus fucking Christ.” She sounded miserable. I didn’t think she could have sounded any more upset if I’d had an orgy right in front of her. But I still had no idea what I’d done to make her feel that way.
“What is this about, Luce? You’re obviously not upset because we haven’t talked about our feelings.”
“No, I’m upset because I saw you.”
I was perplexed and waited for clarification. None came. “You saw me what?”
“I saw you guys together this morning at the diner. After I left. Through the window. I saw you.”
Okay, now she just wasn’t making any sense. I had no idea what she was referring to, but I knew damn well that neither Allison nor I had done anything to warrant this kind of a reaction. I couldn’t wait to hear her explanation. It had to be good.
“Luce, I don’t know what you think you saw, but I promise, nothing happened. Not at the diner. Not anywhere.” I’d almost slipped and mentioned Allison’s hotel room but caught myself at the last second. Thank God. That wouldn’t have gone over well. Not when she obviously thought I’d been up to no good to begin with.
Lucia had turned to face me and was studying me with an intensity that made me extremely uncomfortable. Her eyes scoured my face, leaving marks I could practically feel. Her eyebrows rose, and her lips parted in surprise as realization flooded her eyes.
“You really don’t know, do you?” Her voice was soft, barely louder than a whisper.
“Know what?”
Lucia’s expression produced an ache inside me. “I’ve waited half a year for you to look at me with a fract
ion of the adoration I saw in your eyes when you looked at her.”
Well, shit. First Stacey, now Lucia. Could everyone in the world see that I still had feelings for Allison? My blood ran cold as a new thought occurred to me. Could Allison see it? Nausea gripped me as it dawned on me that she most likely could. Well, wasn’t that just perfect?
I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. How could it? I didn’t even know what to say. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings were assailing me, no wonder I couldn’t form a coherent sentence.
I wanted to deny it but was afraid any denunciation would come out sounding halfhearted. And Lucia deserved better than lies from me. Hell, she deserved better than the truth, too, but clearly I’d fucked that up royally.
“At least I know it isn’t me,” Lucia mumbled sullenly.
“Luce—”
She held up a hand. “No. Don’t. Do not patronize me by denying what I saw with my own two eyes. You know what? It’s fine. Really. At least now I know why I could never get you to love me.”
“Were you trying to?” The words were out of my mouth and sounded way more surprised than I’d have liked.
“Did you really not know that?”
Fuck. I didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now. Not when she was bombed, and I was exhausted. I paused and prayed for my phone to ring, for any excuse to flee the scene and leave this unfinished until I’d had some time to think. None came.
“I told you when we started this that I wasn’t relationship material. You said you were fine with that.”
“Yeah, well, things changed.” Her brow furrowed, and her eyes were murderous. Her admission seemed to irritate her.
I took a deep breath and mentally squashed all the insects that were buzzing around just beneath the surface of my skin. “Okay. Things have changed. So let’s have a calm, rational discussion about that.”
She went on as if I’d never spoken. “I’d always wondered why you were emotionally bankrupt. Nice to be able to put a face to the reason.”
Ouch. Emotionally bankrupt? Was she serious? Is that how she saw me?
Her words hit bone, and I winced against the sharp gouges of pain they left. I’d always thought we had a good relationship. I’d gone out of my way to dote on her and make her feel beautiful and special. And I’d been under the impression that I’d done a passable job. She’d never indicated that she needed anything I hadn’t been giving her.
How, then, did I reconcile the past with the words she’d just flung at me? Part of what’d prompted her to say that was the mix of emotions she was mired in, but what if a nugget of truth were in there somewhere? What if some small piece of her really did see me as emotionally bankrupt?
However, a small part of me railed against Lucia and her accusations. Like I said, I’ll take my lumps when and where I deserve them, but I wasn’t willing to accept this. She was speaking as if I felt absolutely nothing for her, as if I’d used her. She was acting like I’d deliberately misled her and then cheated on her, and nothing could be further from the truth.
“That isn’t fair, Luce.”
“Fair? Oh, this’ll be good. I’m not being fair.”
“No, you’re not. How does me looking at Allison in any way diminish how I feel about you?”
“You can’t be serious!”
“I’m absolutely serious. Tell me how.”
Lucia folded her arms defiantly, and a harsh scowl twisted her features into something unpleasant. I’d never thought I’d ever describe her as anything less than beautiful, but I was close now.
“You never look at me like that,” she muttered angrily.
“How do I look at you, then?”
She refused to meet my eyes and didn’t answer.
I rubbed the outsides of my index fingers with the pads of my thumbs. If she’d been drinking, she probably wasn’t logical enough to rationalize with on this point, but I was determined to try anyway.
“Luce, you and Allison are two different people. I’ve had different experiences with both of you, and as a result, I have different feelings for you. I don’t think you should compare my past with her to my present with you.”
Lucia gaped at me. “You don’t?”
“No. I don’t.” I wanted to say a million other things. That I really cared about her. That she was the first woman since Allison who’d made me feel anything. That I wanted to make an honest try at a future with her. But the words stuck in my throat, nearly suffocating me. I swallowed hard, determined to dislodge them and say something—anything—to reassure her, but she spoke first.
“So you do still love her.” The statement was forced, and she choked on it a little.
I sighed heavily and sank back into the cushions of the couch, then tilted my head back and briefly passed my hands over my eyes. God, I wished I were better at this lying thing. However, that I wasn’t was telling in and of itself. I could lie all day to people I didn’t give a damn about. One look from Lucia, and I crumbled, blurting out the truth.
“I honestly don’t know. I think maybe I love who she was to me, if that makes any sense. Isn’t it always like that with your first love?”
“She was your first?”
I nodded, even though the question had been rhetorical and Lucia wasn’t even looking at me.
“She left you, then.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I winced. “It’s a long story.”
A caustic laugh escaped her lips. “I’m not going anywhere.”
The request unsettled me. I wasn’t sure whether it bothered me more that she was asking or that it would hurt to tell it. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“You don’t think I have a right to know?”
Annoyance flashed white hot behind my eyes, and I clenched my teeth. “No one has ‘the right’ to that story. It was between Allison and me. No one else. And it’s finished.”
“I just want to know what she did that broke you. What was so bad that I wasn’t enough to mend.”
I looked away, clenching my jaw and glaring at the far window. My hands trembled. She didn’t understand anything at all. Not if that’s what she thought. Because she was enough to mend me, as much as I was capable of being mended. But she wanted me free of any and all emotional baggage, and that simply wasn’t realistic. Not at this stage. We were both way too old for that to be a possibility.
I opened my mouth to tell her so, but before I could get a word out, Lucia rushed on, cutting me off. Again.
“That’s what she did, you know. She wrecked you, and then she threw you away just like a child does with a toy that no longer holds her interest. And you know what? I don’t know if you can ever be fixed. You’re fucked up, Ryan.”
The undercurrent of her words was sharp, borderline cruel. I’d never heard her speak with such disdain before. That alone jarred me and set me on edge, but the words themselves would leave permanent scars. I wanted to fight back yet run away.
“That’s not true.” My voice was a harsh rasp, but she’d expressed my greatest fear. I’d always secretly worried that maybe something was wrong with me. And now she was confirming it.
A cynical laugh bubbled up from inside her, and I winced. “Isn’t it? You’re detached, Ryan. You talk a good game and act like you feel things, but nothing touches you. At least not the things that should. You won’t let them. Instead, you prefer to make people fall in love with you yet continue to feel nothing for them. You get validation without any risk to your own heart. You’re cold, and you’re heartless, and no one else matters to you but you.”
I shook my head. She was hurt because she thought I loved someone else, and that defense mechanism of alchemizing pain into anger was prompting her to say these things. The animalistic response to lash out when injured was causing her to look for my weaknesses and press on them hard. She didn’t really want to wound me and would regret her words eventually. I knew these things, but her statements stil
l stung.
I wanted to start swinging back. I was hurt now, too, and infuriated and resentful. I wished I could tear into her, cutting fast and deep, leaving her bleeding. I wanted to injure her for saying those things to me. For deliberately being cruel. For making me question myself. Or maybe for giving me the answers to questions I’d always been afraid to ask.
“I don’t know how you can even say that to me after everything we’ve shared.” Normally, I’d have grimaced at the naked emotion in my tone, but at the moment, I didn’t care. I wanted her to know she’d upset me. That’d obviously been her goal. I should at least reward her efforts. “And I think if you reflect on our relationship, you’ll see you’re mistaken.”
My voice was deliberately low and even, and it took a considerable effort to keep it that way, as well as to not utter more severe words to her. I didn’t feel I deserved her anger or her successful attempts to wound me, but she didn’t deserve for me to retaliate. However, my control was slipping, and if this didn’t end soon, I might lash out at her, regardless. And I didn’t have room in my already overcrowded head or heart for any more guilt or remorse.
Lucia stared at me for a long time with the oddest expression. I couldn’t even begin to put a name to the emotion flickering in her eyes, though I tried.
“What do you want from me, Luce? Do you want me to lie? Pretend there was nothing and no one before I met you? That’s unrealistic, and I won’t do it. I can’t feel exactly what you want me to feel, exactly the way you want me to feel it. No one can because everyone is different, and it’s unfair of you to hold your yardstick up to my emotions. All I can do is feel what I feel and treat you the best I know how. I was always under the impression that I’d done that, but clearly I was wrong. So tell me what you want from me. Just say the word, and it’s yours.”
Lucia snatched her cell phone off the table and stood, staring down at me. An eternity lapsed before she finally spoke, and when she did, the jumble of emotions in her tone brought me to tears.
“Nothing, Ryan. Absolutely nothing.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
“Whoa. What the hell happened to you?” Allison said when I arrived at her hotel room bright and early the next morning to pick her up for breakfast.
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