Year of the Guilty Soul

by A M Leibowitz

  There’s a guy in one of the booths who yells out to us. He winks, making Cari scowl and Hannah giggle. He’s pretty cute, and Hannah forces us to walk past him a bunch of times so she can stare at him. I don’t know how I feel about the way he licks his lips and calls us babes.

  The sky is darkening, and the carnival is going to close for the night soon. We stop at one of the food vans and buy french fries in cups, eating them on the way back to Cari’s house and licking the salt and grease from our fingers.

  Gwen says Mark’s going to take her home, and they leave. The rest of us aren’t ready for the night to be over yet. Hannah and Cari are both seventeen and legal to drive after ten, so Noah suggests we all go down to the beach. We pile into their two cars and hit the road with the windows down.

  The main part of the beach closes at eleven in the summer, but that’s not where we head. We go around to the more secluded side of the lake. There are signs posted saying, “No Lifeguards” and “Swim at Your Own Risk.” It’s quieter there, though a few scattered people have made fires. We don’t have wood or matches, but we bring the blankets from Hannah’s car and spread them on the sand.

  The moon is up now, big and bright over the water. I lean back and watch as Hannah and Noah splash each other at the edge of the lake. It’s peaceful here. Cari kicks off her shoes and wades out farther than the others. The moonlight shines on her hair, and I’m struck by how beautiful she looks like this. Unguarded.

  The blanket shifts a little as Elliot settles beside me. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I reply, tearing my eyes away from Cari. I move over so he’s not crowded onto the edge.

  “This was nice.” He pauses. “I don’t really get to do this a lot.”

  “No?”

  “My parents are a little protective. I’ve never been to a street carnival before. They only let me come because it’s people from church.”

  There’s a longish break in his speech, during which we listen to the lapping of the water against the sand and the faint laughter of the others. I wonder what it’s like at his house. He’s homeschooled, along with his brothers. We’ve only hung out a few times since they joined our church, mostly with the whole youth group. He and Noah have gotten to be friends since Gwen dumped them both, but I don’t know him all that well. This summer is the first time he’s gone anywhere with our smaller circle.

  Eventually, Elliot continues. “They kind of think I’m into Hannah.”

  “Are you?”

  “Not really.”

  We’ve rolled to face each other, and we’re really close. It’s hard to see his light blue eyes in the dark, especially with our noses almost touching. My heart thunders. Maybe it’s wrong, but I really want to kiss him. We’re not even dating, and what I’m feeling now isn’t remotely pure or innocent. I remember what Hannah said about Noah and Gwen in the spring, and I wonder what it would feel like if Elliot touched me like that.

  We move at the same time, and then our lips meet. It’s not at all like the chaste, innocent kisses I had with Noah or the weird, random experiment with Hannah. It’s intense right from the start. I don’t hesitate when Elliot tries to slip his tongue into my mouth. Is this what other people feel? This spark, like someone’s lit the top of my head on fire and it’s blazing down my spine and out through my limbs?

  I make an inadvertent noise, trying to figure out how to keep breathing. Somehow he’s shifted so he’s partially on top of me. His hand slides up my side until he’s cupping my left breast through my T-shirt. My rapid pulse becomes erratic, and instead of Elliot’s face, all I can think of is Philip Hanson’s. I force myself to lift my hand, and it connects with a firm shoulder. I shove hard.

  Elliot backs up. His face is unreadable, a kaleidoscope of shifting expressions I can’t make any sense of.

  “I—I’m sorry,” he says, panting. He rolls onto his back, and I curl my arms around my stomach.

  “It’s okay,” I tell him, even though it’s not.

  My heart knows Elliot wasn’t trying to hurt me, but my brain has yet to catch up. He stopped when I pushed, and that’s almost enough to edge Philip out of my thoughts. I rub my face and stare up at the stars until I’m calm enough to look at Elliot.

  He says nothing, and there’s a tear sliding from the corner of his eye down his temple and into his hair. I sit up.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, even though I think he should be asking me that question.

  “I’m sorry,” he repeats. He wipes his eyes with the cuff of his plaid shirt and sits up too. “I can’t do this.” He buries his head in his arms.

  “Do what?” I whisper, feeling the weight of some unknown force pressing down on us.

  Elliot looks up. “Do you know why my parents really let me come tonight?”

  “No.” I frown. “I thought you said it was because it’s church kids.”

  “It is and it isn’t.” He stares out at the water, watching the other three for a long time before he answers me. “I told them I thought I was gay. Last fall.”

  “Are you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  There are so many things going on in my head, but I can’t process them and I don’t try. There’s no way I can find words to explain about Dom or the thing with Hannah or my confusing feelings about Cari and how I don’t know what they mean. I can’t tell Elliot how my grandparents won’t acknowledge Levi or that my parents still don’t know I kept visiting Mr. Cohen and Mr. Sullivan after the day I got locked out of the house. Instead I do the only thing that feels safe.

  “But…isn’t it…wrong?” I choke out the last word. “At least, that’s what they say at church.”

  Elliot nods. “My parents wanted me to go to a camp this summer. To get help. It’s why we left our last church. Dad was an elder there, and people found out and wanted him to step down. When I started hanging out with Noah after we joined your church, they got suspicious. I had to tell them I was only spending time with him to get close to Hannah.”

  “You…and Noah?” Now I’m more confused than ever.

  Elliot shakes his head. “We’re friends. That’s all. But he knows. He was supposed to be keeping me accountable, but mostly we sit in his room and listen to the kind of music my parents think is sinful. Sometimes we sneak over to the park and smoke weed.” He grabs my forearm. “Don’t say anything, okay? I’m working on it, I swear.”

  “I won’t,” I promise.

  “I really am sorry about…earlier. You know.” He wipes his eyes again. “You’re, um, not exactly like the other girls, so I thought… I don’t know what I thought. Maybe that it wouldn’t be so bad.” His voice is down to a whisper. “More like what I want.”

  What else can I do but nod? So that’s why he kissed me. I normally hate that, when boys say I’m not like other girls. Is that good or bad? Most of the time, I think it’s bad—I’m their pal, not someone they see as a girlfriend. It’s different with Elliot, and I can’t put my finger on it.

  It’s almost the reverse of whatever reason Hannah had for testing me out. Or maybe it’s almost the same, in a weird way. I don’t know whether to be flattered or angry that so many people think I’m willing to be their experiment. Maybe this is the life I’m condemned to for my sins. I’m always going to be the one people mess around with but never the one they really want.

  Another, more intrusive thought works its way in. What if I were who Elliot wanted? I think about it sometimes, what it would be like to be a boy. It never feels quite right, any more than wearing a dress and twirling my hair into a scrunchy-wrapped bun feels right. Boy and girl, at least the way our church defines them, both feel like ill-fitting costumes. But I still wonder what it would be like to be a boy kissing another boy in the same way I wonder how it would feel to kiss a girl for real, not in a messy, Cheeto-dust-covered trial run.

  I’ve only seen Dom and Levi kiss each other once or twice when they thought no one was watching. Neither time was any more interesting to me than seeing my paren
ts kiss. But here, on the beach in the moonlight with Elliot, the idea dances at the corners of my mind the way the lake water plays with the sandy shore.

  There’s a slight breeze, and I shiver, but it’s not from the cold. I don’t want to be sitting here with Elliot, having this conversation. I’m not sure what he wants from me, but whatever it is, I don’t know if I can deliver it. I stand up and peer down at Elliot. He seems to have recovered and isn’t trying to talk about it further.

  “Come on,” I say. “They look like they’re having fun. Let’s go over.”

  He lets me pull him to his feet, and we head for the water. As soon as we’re in range, Hannah gets a mischievous look and splashes us both. I squeal, Elliot yelps, and our uncomfortable exchange is temporarily forgotten.

  ***

  Somehow, after the night on the beach, I’ve become Elliot’s cover. Everyone else is oblivious except Noah, but he’s still smarting over Gwen going out with Mark and doesn’t seem to care. It’s mostly so Elliot’s parents will let him hang out with us. They do the same awkward thing with me that Hannah’s parents do but with the added bonus of gushing over me because at least Elliot’s dating a girl.

  Not everything is just for show. Elliot’s got a car because he has a job at the public library. A couple of times, we’ve ended up making out in his back seat, and once, we shocked ourselves by grinding against each other until we were both panting and kind of a mess. It usually happens when I’m dressed more boyish, and he’s never tried to grab my boobs again. I think Elliot and I are both pretending things, but I’m not sure where his fantasies end and mine begin.

  Hannah’s having our group over for a party in the middle of the week. She has an above ground pool. Even Gwen shows up. I haven’t seen much of her since the carnival almost a month ago, which doesn’t surprise me. She was all right with being part of our group until she started going out with Mark. I assume she was spending time with him. It’s pretty much what I usually expect from her. She doesn’t bring Mark to the party. Something about him going back to college soon and having too much to do.

  When I look closer at her, though, something seems off. She’s wearing makeup, but it doesn’t fully cover the dark circles under her eyes. She’s not acting unfriendly, but her smile seems frozen in place and forced. I wonder if she and Mark broke up. More than likely, she’ll be on to the next guy by the time school starts again.

  We spend most of a lazy afternoon splashing each other and trying to make a whirlpool by swim-walking around the outer edge. When we’re sick of that, we pick black raspberries and turn our fingers and mouths purple. Only half of them make it into the basket.

  We sit on the deck in our damp bathing suits, chowing down on the burgers Hannah’s dad grills. All except for Elliot, whose family is vegetarian. He sticks lettuce, tomato, and Doritos in his bun instead. Hannah’s mom made a dessert pizza, a giant sugar cookie with sliced fruit artfully arranged and decorated with whipped cream. She used some of the black raspberries in the center.

  When we’re fed and warm and dry, we sit downstairs in the finished basement. Noah puts Willow in the VCR. It’s not because any of us want to watch it. We chose something from the parent-approved movie list so we could hang out without the adults checking on us every five minutes. They’d be asking us if they could get us anything, but really they’d be seeing what we’re up to. If there’s a movie going, they won’t bother. No one wants to be interrupted during Willow.

  Hannah throws a bunch of pillows on the floor, and we stretch out. I sit on the sofa. Elliot lies with his head in my lap, and I play with his hair. He smiles up at me then closes his eyes. Gwen’s leaning on Noah, and he has his arm around her. That confirms my suspicion she broke up with Mark because I doubt he’d be happy about it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that someone like Mark has pretty strict lines that don’t get crossed.

  Hannah’s on her belly, propped on a pillow, and Cari has her back against the sofa beside my knee. We’d been planning to ignore the movie, but we’re all so relaxed, and no one seems to mind the quiet. Even though I’m enjoying running my fingers through Elliot’s bangs, my eyes are on Cari instead of the movie.

  She has on ripped jeans and a black sleeveless shirt. Her usual black choker has a new pendant—a silver moon. It matches the earrings she has in, a cascade of thin silver chains, each ending with a moon or a star. She’s done her nails in silver, and I wonder where she found the polish.

  Cari must sense my eyes on her because she looks back and up at me and smiles. She tips her head at Elliot and does that cute eyebrow-quirk thing. I feel the blush spreading over my cheeks, but it’s dim and I hope Cari hasn’t noticed. She doesn’t know the kind of relationship I have with Elliot, even though I’ve thought about telling her a dozen times. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. The others would probably judge us, but something tells me Cari wouldn’t. Except half of it isn’t my secret to tell, so I keep quiet even about my part.

  After the movie is over, Noah and Elliot escape up to Noah’s room. After what both Hannah and Elliot said about Noah, I figure they’re going to listen to unapproved music and do whatever keeps Elliot from losing it once he’s back home with his family. Hannah throws in a Twila Paris tape, and the four of us talk quietly.

  I’m comparing upcoming school schedules with Cari when I overhear Hannah ask Gwen, “Did you and Mark break up?”

  Cari and I both look over, waiting for her answer. Gwen shrugs. “He’s going back to college. It wasn’t going to last anyway.”

  “Well, that’s fine, but Noah thinks he has a chance with you. Don’t lead him on.”

  Gwen huffs and rolls her eyes. “It’s not like that.”

  “No? Because it looked exactly like that to me while the movie was on.”

  “You mean because we were sitting together? So what? Toni and Elliot were all cuddly too, but no one’s saying anything about them.”

  “That’s different,” Hannah counters. “They’re going out.”

  Gwen scoffs. “Everyone knows what’s really going on.”

  My blood runs cold. I haven’t said a single word to anyone about Elliot. When we’re at youth group, everything is as chaste and polite as it was with Noah, and no one else has any idea that I’m his cover or that we’ve been trying stuff out in private. I don’t want to be drawn into the argument between Gwen and Hannah over Noah, and Elliot doesn’t deserve it either.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I demand, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

  “Oh, please. We all remember those rumors about you after homecoming freshman year. Are you using Elliot as a cover?”

  I don’t know whether to be relieved that’s all she thinks is happening or angry that she has at least a partial truth. I hide my conflicted feelings behind a dig of my own. “Like you’re any better. You’re always talking about God hating sin, but you’ve messed around with every boy at church by now.”

  Gwen flips her hair over her shoulder and takes on that superior expression she gets. “You don’t know anything.”

  “I know you said God punishes men like my brother with plagues.” I spit out the word like it tastes bad. “You think that’s what I deserve too, even if those rumors are all lies. But you let Noah stick his hands in your pants and then dumped him like yesterday’s trash. Tell me again how that’s supposedly more pleasing to God or whatever. Is that what you did to Mark?”

  Cari stares at me with her mouth open. Hannah glares. I’ll deal with her later. Breaking her confidence is worth it for the look on Gwen’s face.

  “How dare you,” she hisses. “It wasn’t like that at all. You think you’re so smart, but you don’t know anything. Not one single thing.”

  “No? How about this. I know my brother and his boyfriend are worth a thousand of your lying, self-righteous ass. You hook people with promises you don’t keep and then drop us the second something more interesting turns up.”

  I stand. Gwen is outright crying
now, but I don’t care. She’s always after everyone else for needing to be “saved,” but she doesn’t think all her rules apply to herself. I don’t want to stay in this house with her a minute longer than I have to. I grab my backpack and head for the stairs.

  We must’ve been louder than we thought because Noah and Elliot are in the kitchen, looking stricken. Noah’s mom pokes her head in and asks if everything is all right. I compose myself long enough to tell her I need to go home. She offers a ride, but I tell her my dad’s picking me up and I’m going to wait for him outside.

  Once I’ve shut the door behind me, I start walking. There’s a convenience store a couple of blocks away where I can use the pay phone. I hike my bag up on my shoulder.

  “Toni, wait!” It’s Cari. I stop walking, but I don’t turn around. “You want a ride?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “You can’t walk all the way home.”

  I jingle the pocket of my cargo shorts. “I have a quarter. I’ll call my parents.”

  Cari catches up to me and touches my arm. I finally face her. She says, “Let me drive you, okay?”

  “Fine.”

  We walk back up the driveway to her car. Inside, I buckle up, but I don’t say anything or look at Cari. She sighs, but I can’t tell what she means by it. Is she annoyed? Worried?

  “She was out of line, but so were you,” Cari says.

  I don’t answer. She’s probably right, and I definitely shouldn’t have said what I did about Gwen and Noah. I’m not ready to admit it, though. Cari glances at me out of the corner of her eye, but she doesn’t say another word as she turns the key in the ignition and backs out of the driveway.

  ***

  Summer vacation is almost over. I haven’t talked to Gwen at all since Hannah’s party, and I’ve only spoken to Hannah briefly. She’s still mad at me. I know I need to apologize, but I’m not ready to face them.