by Peiri Ann
As I walked down the hall, his door opened and he yelled, “I still love you. Seriously, go out. I’ll be with Barb if you need me.”
I twisted around, registering he was kicking me out for Barb. “You’re blowing me off for a girl?”
He laughed. “You’re amazing, Kyle. You are. And we have so much in common, even our love for the opposite sex. But she’s a little more comfortable when I lay next to her at night.” A few women came out of their apartment door I happened to be blocking. They checked me out until Rick finished—loudly—“You’re just so much bigger than me, and when I think I’m clutching you the right way to keep you hard… You just don’t get it up for me anymore.”
One of the girls, who had a pierced nose, said, “The hot ones are always taken, or gay.”
I snapped my fingers and rolled my neck, probably looking worse than I felt about doing it.
Rick laughed at me and the girl’s reaction. “Call her,” he said, closing the door.
I wasn’t going to call Janet. I was going to swell my balls and go to Valerie Harper’s house. I was about to be completely out of line but I had nothing to lose. The worst that could happen was that she would kill me.
I knocked on the heavy metal door. After two minutes, I didn’t get an answer, so I knocked again.
Ever realize how badly you want to pull at a closed door to see if it’s unlocked? I wanted so badly to slide her door and see if it was unlocked. But if it were… I’d walk in. And if I walked in and she was there, what would I have said? “Oh, the door was unlocked.” Then she probably would say, “But it was closed.” Then I’d follow up with, “I know,” and then we’d probably stare awkwardly at each other while we each pondered what the other was thinking.
I decided against seeing if the door was open.
“Can I help you with something?” I whipped around to face Valerie Harper, who was holding a few grocery bags.
Though I expected her to, she didn’t look surprised to see me. “Hi,” I said. It was the first thing that came to mind.
“Can I help you with something?” she asked again, attitude flashing in her eyes from behind her glasses.
“I didn’t know you wore glasses,” I told her.
“There is a lot you don’t know about me. Can you excuse me so I can go home?” I stepped aside and she pulled open her door.
I knew it would be open!
She went in and set her bags down.
If I were the guy she thought I was, I would be following in after her. But I’m a gentleman. Plus, I knew she would come back, so I stood outside the door waiting for her.
There was something about Valerie Harper that kept me enticed. It was the oddest thing because everything about her didn’t make sense. From her being the one to assassinate me, to me still being alive, to her annoying repugnance for me, and yet…a soft spark of interest stayed constant in her eyes every time she looked at me. She was the most scrambled Rubik’s Cube I’d ever come in contact with. A challenge I couldn’t turn down.
“If there is nothing that you want, it would be a good idea for you not to hold up this spot in front of my door.” She stood in the door’s opening, avoiding eye contact. This her—this messy hair, glasses, baggy sweats and oversized tee shirt girl—was not the Valerie Harper that had jammed her finger in my face over a month ago. This girl seemed fragile and timid. Almost made me want to change her name to Essence. But it seemed like “Spirit” pissed her off, so I was sticking with it.
“Sorry, Spirit, for dropping by unannounced. You’ve been out for a while and I knew where you lived, so I thought I’d come by and check on you. No pun intended.”
She glanced up at me with soft hazel eyes and taut brows. Her hair was pulled up, but those bangs that fell around her face were out and strands of hair were escaping her twisted knot. Even though she looked nothing like that hotness I saw in that pink dress, or that black dress she showed up at my house in, with her celestial nose and seamlessly curved flushed lips… she was gorgeous. For a brief second, I had to remind myself to inhale. Then I had to remind myself she was going to kill me. Then I reminded myself I was staring. I cleared my throat and forced myself to look away.
“Would you like some coffee?” she asked.
I looked past her, into her spot. I gave a once-over to her light purple walls, bookshelves, television stand, the matching couches and an area rug that matched the color of her walls. Her spot was empty. It didn’t look like she had company or ever had company. My eyes fell back on her. “No, I see you’re fine. I’ll see you in class when you come back. Bye, Spirit.” I watched her mouth slowly fall open as I turned to walk away.
I was able to make it to the last tread of her stairs before my phone received a text.
Spirit: Would you prefer to go OUT for coffee?
Got her. I smiled at her text.
Me: Would YOU prefer to go out for coffee?
Spirit: Wait.
Me: For you?
Spirit: Unless you don’t want to.
Me: I’m standing outside of the main door.
I built up the courage to climb in the passenger’s seat of Kyle’s truck, strapped on my seatbelt, breathed, and then relaxed. I had changed out of my glasses and baggy clothes into some fitted sweats, a shirt that fit, and brushed my hair into a neater bun.
“So… coffee?” He started the truck, glancing over at me before pulling away from the curb.
“Yes.”
“If you don’t mind the drive, there’s a really nice café that has the best coffee, bistros, lattés, rolls. Do you like rolls? The roll options are large. Like cinnamon rolls, dinner rolls, things like that.”
I nodded, leaning my head back against the headrest. “I won’t mind the drive.”
He was quiet for a while.
I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. I didn’t want to say anything to him. I’d been so far up Kyle’s ass for the last year, being next to him was comfortable. I didn’t want to be comfortable, but I couldn’t deny the fact that I was. It felt right, like… I lived to be at his side. It was a hard pill to swallow, accepting this fact, but ever since I’d left the Reynolds’ house, I hadn’t been able to breathe until I walked into my hall and saw Kyle standing at my door.
Kyle breathed heavily, and you would think with the awkward silence he would turn up the radio to drone it out. But I realized I was taking some pretty deep, heavy, relaxing breaths too. Taking in his air, taking in his presence, taking in this relaxation in which I could finally breathe comfortably and not feel confined by my life.
“What?” I finally said. I sat up and straightened to not seem so at ease.
He shook his head, turning down the corners of his mouth. Nothing.
I shrugged. Then I rolled my eyes. “I really hate to have body language be our only means of conversation. Can we talk?”
“Actually, I’m shocked.”
I waited, but he left me hanging. “About what?”
“You invited me for coffee.”
I turned from the window to look at him. “So what?”
He slowly leaned his head back on the headrest, eyes focused on the road. But his lips pursed as a thought crossed his mind. “What did I do to you?”
I swallowed hard. He’d never know how big of an impact that question had on me. I didn’t know the full extent of what he did to have his name come up, and not him alone but his family. And to add insult to injury, I got the assignment. He could’ve been so much more considerate of my feelings and been a goody-two-shoes and have done nothing. Or he could’ve been a complete asshole and made it so people didn’t like him. But I was asking for too much. “Nothing. Sorry I gave you a hard time.”
“No. You can’t answer nothing to this question. I had to have done something to draw so much anger from you.”
I looked out the passenger window, ignoring him. I could sit here and be around him. But I didn’t have to be honest. “No. I had a lot going on. I was taking my anger out on a lo
t of people.”
“Even your boyfriend?”
Dammit. I forgot I told him I had a boyfriend. I sucked in an even breath to seem like my being an ass to my nonexistent boyfriend was an issue. “Yes,” I said, a little ashamed. “Even him. I’m working my way down the shit list. You’re the last person, so some I’m sorry coffee is my peace offering.”
“He’s comfortable with you going out with me for coffee?” he asked with an edge to his voice.
I wanted to laugh. But my emotions were in so much of a whirl, I wasn’t sure if it would trigger tears or a titter. “Yes, he trusts me. He knows I’m dedicated to him and knows that coffee with another guy is only coffee with another guy.”
“Unless he makes you smile.”
I locked my jaw, resisting the sudden urge to look at him. Unless he makes you smile. “How would that change anything?” I asked, still facing the window.
“Then it’s more than coffee. It’s engaging body language. Your feelings talk. It becomes flirtatious because the thought crosses your mind that I’ve made you smile and you’ll wonder if I noticed and of course I’ve noticed. Then you’ll shy away because the guilt will pinch at your cheeks that you actually gave another guy who is not your boyfriend—who’s a complete stranger, in fact—the opportunity to draw an intimate emotion out of you. Not a laugh, not one of those annoying giggles… but an unpretentious smile, hidden behind your coffee mug. And that horrid attitude you have against me will slowly diminish.”
I made a mental note in big bold letters: DO NOT SMILE.
She ordered a caramel-flavored espresso. I’m not a coffee drinker but I ordered a brûlée-something that tasted like shit. Maybe I should’ve made it taste like caramel, like she did. She sat on the other side of the booth, restraining from looking at me.
There was something different about Miss Valerie Harper. No more Spirit. That was only when I addressed her first. And I was jealous of her boyfriend.
“Thanks for the coffee,” I said. She’d paid for it; thanking her only seemed appropriate.
“Sure.”
“How long have you and Janet been friends?”
“Just a couple of years. You two?”
“Since we were kids.”
Her eyes widened before they sobered again. “Oh,” she tried to say coolly, but the news had thrown her off.
I stared at her for a while. Killer was nowhere in her eyes, and she didn’t look at me like she was waiting for that opportune time to take me out. She clutched her coffee mug hard in her hands. Maybe I was wrong about her. I wondered what had been going on with her the time Janet couldn’t stay with my mom. Watching me, she had to have known everything about me; now was my chance to try to level out the playing field. “One day, Janet blew me off for you. What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She looked off around the coffee shop. It was half-full and her gaze rested on nothing.
I tried again. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-two.”
“Why do you go to school?”
“To learn,” she replied without hesitation.
“What’s your major?”
She looked at me. “General studies.”
“Where were you born?”
She looked away. “Chicago.”
This was frustrating. “Can I get more than a two-word answer?”
Her shoulders slumped and she looked at me through her lashes. “Ask another question.”
“How long have you and your boyfriend been together?”
She counted and then said, “None—of—your—business. There… four words.”
Damn her! Fuck it. I tried.
My phone lit up on the table beside my arm, taking my attention from the irritation that Spirit triggered in me.
Rick: Barb blew me off. Where are you? Come get me. Let’s go somewhere.
Rick: She never blows me off. I think she’s cheating.
Rick: Please don’t be asleep so you can hurry up and respond.
Me: I'm not asleep. I’m out with that girl you pushed me off on earlier.
Rick: Dammit! Now you want to blow me off too!
Me: She’s a dud. I’ll leave her for you any day.
Rick: Great! Thirty minutes?
Me: Give me an hour. I’m going to try to crack her first. She’s supposed to have a boyfriend but invited me out for coffee. She also paid for the coffee. Told me he trusts her so it’s cool.
Rick: All women cheat! They’re all liars! He’s probably asleep in her bed right now. She saw all your deliciousness and said fuck him.
Me: Why do you think Barb’s cheating on you?
I pulled my eyes from my phone, eyeing Valerie Harper as I waited for Rick to text back. She was eyeing me over her coffee cup, slightly annoyed that I was texting, quietly tittering at the text, and no longer paying her any attention. So I continued.
Rick: Bro, she told me she was totally free today. I had an entire day planned for us. So I’m at her house right? She answers the door still in her pajamas. Some sexy lace see-through ones, not the shorts and tee shirt. Her hair was down and she had make-up on. She cracks the door open and says oh babe, I spaced. Can we do it later?
Me: IT?
Rick: EXACTLY, Bro. WTF, we've been going steady for two years right? The fuck is IT? I played it cool. I couldn’t see in her apartment. But it all hurt so bad I couldn’t keep at it so I left. She hasn’t tried to text or call me.
Me: You try to text her?
“Excuse me?”
Oh, Valerie Harper has a voice and is initiating conversation.
I sipped from my disgusting drink and forced a glazed expression on my face. “Yes?” I asked uninterested.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked, somewhat annoyed.
“Yeah,” I said, standing and not looking at her as I headed for the door.
I sat in the truck and continued on my phone. All in all, I was trying to get a reaction out of her.
Rick: Of course I did. She’s not responding.
Me: Yeah, she’s def cheating.
Me: Sorry. I know you didn’t want to hear that.
“Do you want me to drive?” Valerie Harper asked, climbing into my truck.
“Nah.” I shook my head, ignoring her huffing.
Tulip: Babe?
Me: Don’t ask me for nothing.
Tulip: Please.
Me: No. I’m busy.
Tulip: I haven’t even said what I need yet.
Me: I was in a good mood two minutes ago. Then your name popped up. I don’t care what you want.
Tulip: Kit Kat. I need some money and a car.
I ignored her text. She irritated me. She had money. I just gave her three hundred and fifty thousand dollars; what the fuck could have happened to all that money over the last month? What do these women do… eat it?
I started the truck, tossing the phone in the cup holder, then pulled away.
“Your girlfriend pissed or something?”
I looked over at Spirit and then back in front of me. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Why?”
“They’re tough company to keep.”
“Uumph.”
She and Reagan really destroyed my mood. And Rick was having a nervous breakdown because of Barb. This is what women do… destroy you. “I’m going to get you back home to your boyfriend. I’m sure he misses you. You all live together?”
“No,” she responded without hesitation.
I dropped it. I don’t make it my business to talk to girls with boyfriends. She was just a major challenge I wasn’t willing to walk away from.
“Thanks for the coffee, Spirit. We’re cool?”
She reached for the handle and I grabbed her hand closest to me.
The slightest shake rushed over her skin. I felt it in my hand as her shiver sustained. I grabbed hold of her hand, sliding my fingers over hers until they found the empty spaces between them, allowing me to grasp her hand in mine. My palm press
ed against hers. Her hand was small in mine, small enough that my thumb touched my fingertips as I held her and resisted the urge to bring it to my lips. This woman grinded my gears but I wanted her… probably because she hated me.
Her head fell forward and a small smile played on her mouth.
My lips curled in an amused grin. I let her go and grabbed my buzzing phone from the cup holder.
I played it like I didn’t hear her release a harsh breath and follow with a few deep ones. But I did. I had a major effect on her, and she was taken. And she was an assassin, out to kill me. I wanted so badly to ask her about my mom and how her agency was able to mark her and my sister as terminated when they were still alive. I also wanted to ask her why the sudden change in her feisty attitude. But I bit back my curiosity and tore my eyes away from her just as she was looking over to me.
“You might want to get a move on, Spirit,” I mentioned, looking at my phone. “Don’t want to leave Mr. Spirit waiting.”
“Yeah.” She got out, gently pushing the door closed.
Kyle: Thanks again for the coffee. I feel bad I went out with another guy’s girl, so apologize to him for me.
Me: He’s cool. Thanks for the ride.
I continued to lie. It allowed me to keep some distance between us because eventually, even though I had been dragging out his death, I did need to get this assignment over with.
I was supposed to have it completed a week after I took out the Reynolds. I fed the agency some bullshit about Kyle being out of town, and they needed to cut me a break because I was doing my job well.
This was going to be my last assignment. I couldn’t take much more. Although this was the only assignment that had affected me the way it did, it was enough for me to call it quits. I felt so deep in the dumps. I wanted to pity myself, but a voice in my head said, You brought this on yourself. I wanted to be alone, then I didn’t want to be alone.
And the fact that I was alone was my fault too.
To bring myself out of my slump, I wrote my mom and dad a letter. They would never get it… but it brought me closure and allowed me to tell them the truth. It allowed me to tell the truth about myself, because I was so confused, living so many lives, that I’d forgotten who I was.