by Peiri Ann
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m sorry I wasn’t the daughter you thought I was. I have never regretted any decisions I made until the day I found out I lost you two. I’m sorry I lied to you for so many years. The truth is, I am a professional assassin. I kill people for a living and it’s not always the easiest job. It actually kind of sucks. Especially recently. I got this assignment to take out this guy named Shultz and his family. Things changed for me the day I met his mother. I think she’s slowly dying from cancer. When I found out you two died I was shattered. But I often think about him and his mom and wonder how he feels because he has to watch. Witness her die every day. He does a good job at hiding it if it does pain him.
I’ve done a lot of lying lately. I’m sorry Dad, you’ve always taught me to be honest. But I couldn’t kill his family. I CAN’T kill his family.
I know Mom, you always told me to not be vengeful, but I killed the guy who murdered you. I wasn’t myself. I’m never myself when in the midst of an assassination. But then… I was flooded with so much rage and anger, something took me over. I lied to my employer and told them that the mother of the guy that killed you all was Kyle’s mom, and I killed her instead. I searched a local hit list and found the name of some young girl. I killed her and told them she was his sister. I lied and told my agency I had the assignment all under control, that I could kill my main target without any interference. Truth is, I don’t have any of it under control. It all is quickly slipping out of my hands because the more I stall and delay, the more I can’t do it. Then Kyle Shultz has to talk to me and he is the nicest guy. And I keep falling in love with him more and more by the day. Because he is so perfect for me and I am desperately comfortable around him and that makes me angrier with myself. It makes me angry I’m a liar and a failure and that I’ve completely lost all control over this half of my life. I’ve lied to him, told him I had a boyfriend to push him off. Because it’s obvious he has an interest in me, I do everything I can to push him off. Apparently, it’s working because he keeps bringing it up and these little looks he gives me have stopped. Now, he seems totally not into me… and I’m okay with that. Maybe I can get back in control of this. Figure out who I am and where I want to be or what I want to become. And maybe I can stop moping around, looking like a tomboy, and stop feeling so alone though I am alone. Or maybe, just maybe, I can find some type of happiness if I just run away from all of this.
I know Dad, you’re going to say I need to figure out what I want out of life. I know for sure whatever this is... this life, my job, the obligation I have to professionally execute someone. The liar. The imposter. This body. This person, Valerie Harper. Who I have become. I don’t want this. I want to be so far away from myself, I’m someone else.
I miss you both. I love you both.
Sincerely,
Val
I glanced over my letter, kissed it, folded it, and sealed it in an envelope. I placed it under my pillow and got into bed for some sleep.
“You’re going out with me tonight, right?” Janet asked, walking down the market aisle with me.
I grabbed a bag of chips. “Yes. I told you I would.”
“Good. We can head to your place when we leave and get ready. I’m going to wear that cute dark purple dress of yours, with your black pumps.”
“Okay.”
We headed back to my house after leaving the market. Following a catnap, we showered and dressed for partying.
“Let’s walk,” Janet suggested as we headed out for our girl’s night.
“I’m up for this. I’m just ready to take shots and dance all night.”
“You know, Kyle asked me about you the other day. Said he would have asked for your number but you told him you had a boyfriend.” I’d been Kyle-free for the last two weeks, save seeing him in class. He was avoiding me, as I had been doing to him, as I had wanted. And though my feelings for him had not dissolved as I’d hoped, I was facing facts that my dreams of Kyle and I together were just that… dreams.
Her mentioning him made me think about when we went out for coffee, and the softness of his hand when he touched me, and though I didn’t want him to… I wished I could relive that moment. I wished I could feel that touch against my cheek as he let those perfect green eyes gaze into mine.
But I wasn’t supposed to be pro-Kyle. Hell, I still had to kill Kyle. “Kyle has my number,” I countered. “I think he was looking for confirmation from you if I had a boyfriend or not. You told him I did, right.”
“Well he was already being a dick, so I was already ignoring him. I didn’t confirm if you did or didn’t.”
“Okay.”
“Why did you tell him you did? I know for sure you don’t have any type of man. You need one. But you don’t have one.”
“I don’t need anything or anyone. I don’t want to kick off anything with Kyle. He’s not my type.”
“I hope not,” she muttered with a hint of warning. Continuing before I could comment, she said, “And stop it… Kyle is everyone’s type. ‘Cept for Reagan. I hate her.”
“Who’s Reagan?” We stepped onto the bus that was going to take us to the club. Janet paid our fare. I was sure we’d be taking a cab back and she’d make me pay for that.
“She’s his ex-girlfriend. They dated for a while until she fucked him over. She’s a bitch. But he has to be her friend because she’s useful, and I think a part of him still loves her. But he hates her too. They have a weird relationship.”
“Are all of you friends?” I asked as we sat.
“Yeah, we are. We’ve been around each other for years.”
“Hey, ladies.” Two boys, who looked like they were sixteen or seventeen-years-old, turned around in their seat in front of us, looking over it. “Where you headed?” They smiled with dirt-smudged faces but clean teeth.
“Um hi,” Janet said. “Can we talk without being gawked at?” She said it nicely, but the young men flipped her off and hollered “bitch” as they got off the bus. “Really? I’m a bitch?”
“Sometimes, but they were just some immature boys. Don’t let it mess up your night. Take it as a compliment because they gawked at you.”
She laughed, digging through her clutch. “So anyway. We’re all friends. You could be our friend too if you and he could get along. But that’s a lost cause.” She found her lipstick and patted it on. A matte soft pink looked amazing on her.
I’m just going to come out and ask it. She was more comfortable talking about Kyle with me now, and I just needed to know. “Why did you lie to me about Kyle?”
“Huh?” She actually looked like she had no idea what I was talking about. Her head whipped to me from looking out the window, using it as a mirror. Her brows were hitched and eyes were wide, awaiting clarity.
I asked the exact same question the exact same way.
“Kyle doesn’t like people to know about him,” she said strong and direct, closing the subject.
It made me not want to ask another question about him. “Okay…”
Janet and I hit up the bar when we made it to the club.
I drank to feel a buzz and be set free of my guilt. But it wasn’t until Janet left me to walk over to Kyle did I feel relief… looking at him.
In hopes that I would run into Kyle tonight, I’d made sure I looked really good. Stop-and-stare good.
Totally wrong of me…
Janet waved me over.
They had a booth and I scooted in next to her. I said in her ear, “I don’t want to sit. I want to dance.”
She put up a finger, suggesting I wait.
Kyle was sitting with Rick and Ron. One of the lady bartenders came over to them, dropping off drinks. It was a little dark in the booth, but I was able to noticed Rick didn’t see me see him nudge Kyle and quickly point his elbow in my direction. Kyle shook his head.
I felt like shit; shittier than I already felt. I needed to get away from here.
Janet wasn’t going to dance with me, so I left her for t
he dance floor. I could find anyone to dance with.
I shuffled my way through the throng of dancers, getting as close to the speakers as I could to make sure the music drowned out my thoughts.
It was working too well. I danced, swaying, rocking, jumping, singing, rapping, spinning, fist pumping, shaking the crap out of my butt. At times I danced with someone, at others I danced alone, enjoying my own company.
It may have been the tequila shots and drinks that had me so free, that had me so open and rejuvenated. But I was having a good time.
A guy came up behind me, dancing with me, and like I had with the other guys who’ve approached me from behind, I just danced. I didn’t want to get discouraged or ruin their night if they were ugly, or too drunk, or I don’t know… weird looking, so I kept dancing until they left.
I threw my hands up and he grabbed them, rocking with me. They slid down my arms, over my curves to my hips, and he moved them the way he’d prefer for them to move, against him. Any remaining distance behind me, he closed, pressing his chest to my back and his pelvis to my ass as he moved his head beside mine.
He was so close, I could smell his cologne. It was amazing, a hint of guaiac wood, oak moss, and patchouli… some other scents I couldn’t place. I wish amazing was a scent because that would describe it in its entirety.
I lifted my ass a bit to press it firmly against the growing bulge in his pants. It was enticing, heightening my high. I leaned my head back into his neck and closed my eyes, breathing him in, taking myself to ecstasy.
He danced.
I danced.
We made a type of rhythmic dancing love on that dance floor as the songs changed. I loved the way he touched me. Heavy hands skimmed my curves without precaution, they gripped my hips with no regards of gentleness, and his body was glued against mine as if parting was unexceptional. Induced by our cadenced high, I rose my arms, lifting my hands behind us to push my fingers through his delicate hair as the people, the club, and the entire world eliminated.
His head turned, with his smooth lips grazing my ear, “Mmm,” he crooned, “your boyfriend would not approve, Spirit.”
I wrenched away from him, whipping around to see his face. Oh my God, Kyle. Why do you do this?
I babbled and tried to flee, but he caught me by the crux of my arm.
“Spirit, wait. I’m sorry,” I heard him say over the music too clearly.
Wriggling my arm from his hand, I fled to the restroom to gather myself. Finding a sink, I leaned over it, clutching its edges in my hands.
“You okay, girl?” a tall, dark-chocolate-skinned girl asked me.
The words ran out of me like water. “He just felt so amazing. I should have known it was him.” I slammed my hand down on the sink. “I should have just assumed, because of my comfort out there, that it was him and not a stranger. I mean, it’s not enough that I thought he looked good and had a great personality. No, absolutely not. He also felt good.” God, he felt so goddamned good. His touch, his body against mine, his beard scraping my cheek, and his voice whispering in my ear was euphoria.
She stared at me with big dark eyes. “Did he at least smell good?”
I gave her the get-serious look, standing up straight, throwing all my weight on my right foot, and slapping my left hand on my hip. “Really? He smelled fucking amazing.”
“He is a total dick!”
“Oh my God! Yes! Finally! Somebody who understands.”
“Girl… yes. I understand.” She pointed as she said, “You just need to go out there and set him straight. How dare he dance with you? Nobody told him to come here anyway. Who is he to look good?” Her neck rolled as she ranted louder than I did, checking her long hair in the mirror. She was incredibly tall, courtesy of her eight-inch heels.
I looked away from her to my reflection in the dirty mirror. My body was humming and Kyle was crowding my mind, but I couldn’t let it faze me. I needed to get my head back in the game.
I checked my eyes, my lipstick, my dress, and my teeth and headed back out, waving bye to the tall girl. I spotted the booth from the dark, crowded hall I had exited. Janet was with Kyle; they were laughing and talking about something. Rick was flirting with some girl. Same with Ron. Before heading over there, I made a pit stop at the bar, downed a drink to calm my nerves and then headed back to the booth as if I wasn’t at all disconcerted by that dance floor incident.
I was snagged before I made it close enough to sit. A roughneck-looking guy with a swoon-over-me five o’clock shadow, dark hair, and a shirt that exposed every single muscle he possessed in his chest and shoulders, twisted me around to dance with him. “Hey,” he said. “Dance?”
I nodded and stepped away from the booth to the dance floor. The music slowed and he pulled me close.
Over his shoulder was a clear view of the booth. A clear view of Kyle staring at me as Janet rambled in his ear. His eyes stayed locked on mine as I swayed with my dance partner. The lights periodically flashed on his face and I watched his eyes narrow. The intensity of their green spoke to me louder than the music, expressing so many disapproving words.
The guy tucked his head in my neck and I pushed my fingers through his heavily moussed hair. I had to be drunk because I was too into it, getting a scolding eye from Kyle the longer I danced.
Kyle slightly shook his head. His expression took on a look of aversion as his eyes asked me to stop. No, they told me to stop. He was into me and jealous I was dancing with another man. A part of me was thrilled, happy I was able to reel Kyle in, draw his attraction to me, and make him jealous. I couldn’t say much about the other part. I was really trying to ignore her tonight. Kyle’s persistent look of rejection as I danced with the five o’clock shadow guy made our dance unenjoyable.
I thanked the handsome stranger for the dance and for giving me the opportunity to compare his cock to Kyle’s. Okay, so I didn’t say that part out loud, but if I did, he would have been made aware he was the loser on the cock chart.
“Kay, Val, I’m ready to dance. Come with me,” Janet said when I made it back to the booth.
I shook my head and she stood and followed a guy to the dance floor. “I’ll be out here if you change your mind,” she yelled.
I sat and realized the choice to stay was worse than the choice to go.
“You had fun?” Kyle didn’t miss a beat.
I slightly scooted away from him.
“Why do I freak you out?” Kyle asked, scooting closer to me.
I held my breath, not wanting to breathe him in. “You don’t.”
“Boyfriend… right?”
That’s it! Boyfriend. “Right,” I confirmed.
“Where is he?”
“Gone.”
“What’s his name?”
“Reid.”
“You love him?”
The biggest lie I’d told yet. “Yes.”
“You miss him?”
I forced a look of irritation on my face. “Why do you care? Why are you asking so many questions?”
“You’re not doing anything but sitting here. Same with me. I sparked small talk so we don’t sit here and twiddle our thumbs. I’d dance, but no one’s on the floor I want to dance with. You’re either running away or dancing with the wrong guy.” And I supposed he thought he was the right one. “Figured I’d talk about something that you’d like to talk about. Most women who have a man they love do not mind talking about him to another guy.”
I didn’t know how true that statement was. I’d never been there. “Yes, I miss him.”
“Cool.”
Is it…? “Okay.”
“Where does he live?”
“He doesn’t live in Texas.”
“Why don’t you go move with him? If you miss him so much.”
“I wanted to go to this school. He wanted to go to another. We didn’t want to have to battle over whose school would win, so we compromised with a long-distance relationship.” That actually sounded really good.
He glanced at his phone.
“You sure you don’t have a girlfriend?”
“About as much as you have a boyfriend,” he mentioned, without looking away from his phone.
That stumped me because if he truly knew I didn’t have a boyfriend, that meant he had a girlfriend. But if I did have a boyfriend, then he didn’t have a girlfriend.
I shouldn’t have cared one way or another if he had a girlfriend because me and my nonexistent boyfriend were doing just fine.
I mentally rolled my eyes at myself. Idiot.
Kyle rose and motioned for Rick and Ron to leave. He gave me a quick glance over his shoulder, waved bye, and they left.
“Why the sudden change of heart? I thought you were going to stay out all night,” Rick questioned.
I shook my head. I was mad, I was distraught, a little thrilled… I was feeling so many mixed emotions about a text I’d just received.
“Are you drunk?” Rick asked.
I shook my head.
“I’ll just sit in your passenger seat and shut up because you don’t want to talk to me.” He was right.
I dropped him and Ron off at his house and went home. After I walked in, checked on Anna, and grabbed a water, I went to my room.
BNFCTR: KS, I have a good one for you. 72 hours to complete. Valerie Harper 2MM.
I read it over and over and over again. I guess I expected the name to change.
It didn’t…
I lay back in my bed, suddenly under more stress than I already was. I had to find out what she did. She was worth two million dollars. It was a damn good offer for an easy hit.
Me: Grimmer.
Grimmer: You’ve got something for me.
Me: Remember you told me about Valerie Harper?
Grimmer: Yeah…
Me: Search the black lists for wanted dead. You see her name?
I waited for him to text me back.
Grimmer: Yeah, with a high pot.
Me: What she do?
Grimmer: Well it says she fucked with a Reynolds. Denis Reynolds put out a hit on her. You know his wife and son Hayden showed up dead in their house over a month ago.