Save Me

by Mardria Portuondo

  “OK,” I said then held her hand and walked us to the sofa. “What’s your first topic?”

  “I want us to go to a party.”

  “What kind of party?”

  “A sex party…”

  “No!”

  “Wait...let me finish,” she said, raising her hands in defense. “We would go as a couple and we would only be with each other, however, we can watch other people. Wouldn’t that be exciting for us?”

  I felt like I could cry. I thought Shannon had put that part of her life behind her, and it made me feel as if I was no longer good enough for her. She wanted more excitement that I could not deliver on my own. She needed to feed off other people’s sexual energy to get maximum fulfillment, and suddenly, I felt like I didn’t know her.

  “Babe...it’s...it’s just a suggestion...Arien,” she said as I got up and walked to the window that was eight floors up.

  “I thought you had put that part of your life behind you,” I said with a trembling voice.

  “I have...I don’t need that. I just…”

  “So I am not enough for you?”

  “What? What the hell are you talking about? Of course, you are!”

  “Then why do you need this?”

  “I don’t. I just thought it was something we could do together because it was something we both enjoyed,” she explained as she caressed my back.

  “This was what you did to Raj. You encouraged him to get involved in this activity then someone came in and took you away from him. Why would I be stupid enough to do the same thing?”

  “Honey, this is not an issue. We don’t have to do it. I just thought we could just have a little fun with something that was familiar to us,” she said looking a little nervous that it might blow out of control.

  “I don’t want us to go back to that. I’m trying to move away from that kind of lifestyle and head in a new direction. If you don’t want to come with me then…”

  “Of course I do!”

  “Then why would you want us to be involved in the very thing we are trying to avoid?!”

  “I didn’t know we are trying to avoid it, Arien. I thought we were so caught up with our feelings for each other that we didn’t give it a second thought, and since this was something we both enjoyed doing, I thought we could do it together.”

  I could not hold back the tears this time.

  “Am I not enough for you? Are you bored with me already?” I asked as pain gripped inside my body.

  “No! No!” Shannon grabbed me by the shoulders. “Look at me! Absolutely not! I love you, and I will always want only you. This was not about us getting involved with anyone else...you know I couldn’t watch anyone touching you. It was just for our...it’s like porn...but in real life.”

  Through my tears, I started laughing, and she joined in.

  “Real life porn? That’s your explanation?” I asked as I continued to chuckle.

  “Yes...you know...couples watch porn all the time for excitement...so this one is in...you know what...I’m going to shut the fuck up.”

  “Yes. Please.”

  “I just want you to know that I'm crazy about you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” she said, caressing my face. “We are very sexual people and I want us to enjoy that part of who we are. However, you're right. There have to be limits and respect. That lifestyle is not one that we should aspire to be a part of because we are better than that, and we are lucky that we are such a perfect balance for each other. I’m really sorry I suggested that…”

  “I gave up all my friends, Shannon, because I didn’t want anyone telling me what a mistake I made or coming to me with stories about what happened at whose party. I miss them, but I can’t be around anyone who would fuel my addiction.”

  “I know, baby.”

  “I don’t want you to feel like you are a hostage to this relationship because you can’t…”

  “Don’t say another word, Arien! I don’t think you are hearing me. I share the same desires you do. This is the life I want. I'm not missing anything that’s out there,” she said in desperation for me to believe her.

  “But I'm ashamed of the life I lived; so much that I would not want to go back.”

  “I am not ashamed of it. I did what I did, I enjoyed it, and now I have moved in a more positive direction,” she said, but I didn’t feel like I could trust her.

  “I want us to have a baby,” I said.

  The words flew from my lips. I had no plans of having this discussion until after her divorce was complete, but I was so afraid of me not being enough for her that I had to throw it in. This baby had been my dream since I came home from vacation, and not some anchor to keep Shannon in my life, but I needed her to want this new life just as much as I did.

  Shannon stepped back in shock. Her face told me that having a child with me was not on her agenda. One day everything was blissful, and the next we were free-falling into destruction. I wished she would say something instead of just staring at me as if she had no idea who I was, or she made the biggest mistake of her life. Without saying a word, she turned around and walked out of my office.

  I sat on the sofa and buried my face in my hands. Shannon did not want a family with me. I knew she loved me, and I loved her with all my heart, so I didn’t understand why she reacted that way. Maybe she needed time to think, but she shouldn’t have to think about this. Why wouldn’t she want a baby as much as I did? I decided to go after Shannon because I needed her to tell me if she was not interested in having a family with me. Having a baby was very important to me and had been a part of my transition, so to hear Shannon rejecting the idea would be devastating to me.

  I entered her office, but she was not there, so I checked with our secretary, but she was not there either. I went to my dad’s office but his secretary told me that he was not in and Shannon had not come in either. I checked with security and they told me that she left the property. My heart fell from my chest because I had a constant fear of her leaving me. Raj’s words haunted me every day, and I was feeling guilty that I took Shannon from him, so I was going to lose her as well. I knew that Shannon loved me, but she also loved Raj and she left him anyway.

  There were many reasons why Shannon might feel that our relationship was not enough for her. For one, she might not have fully given up on getting maximum sexual satisfaction that the parties usually provided her. She was probably not at the place where I was, and I had to be patient and wait for her to get there. However, I would not be able to survive her going out and allowing other people to touch her. We were sex addicts and I understood the temptation, but love had changed me and I was hoping for the same for her. Shannon told me that I was enough for her, and I wanted to believe her, but there was a nagging fear that she would surprise me one day and let me know that she was not happy with the restrictions of our relationship.

  I picked up my phone and called Shannon but she did not answer, and I wondered where she could be. I told my secretary that I had to leave, and I headed to our apartment to see if she was at home. As I drove, I thought of all the places she could be, and nowhere good came to mind, including Raj. Why would she go back to Raj? He delivered all her belongings to the apartment so why would he accommodate her? Maybe she went to see some of her friends because I had told her to get rid of the ones who would encourage her to go back to her old life.

  I kept calling Shannon as I drove but she did not accept my calls. When I got to the apartment, I nervously got out of the car and asked security if my girlfriend was home, and he said she came in a few minutes before me. I was happy to know that she was home, so I hurried to the elevator as I thought of how to approach Shannon. I got out of the elevator and used my key to open our apartment door. I stepped in and Shannon was sitting on the sofa with a pillow over her head.

  “Babe?” I said and slowly walked to her. “Honey?”

  I knelt beside her and removed the pillow from her f
ace, but she kept her eyes closed. I was very nervous about what might come from her lips once she opened her eyes, but there was a conversation to be had because we could not just leave things in the air like that.

  “Shannon, please look at me,” I begged.

  She opened her eyes and sat up, staring at me so angrily that I was shaking inside and the tears were just waiting to spring forth.

  “Arien, I love you more than anything in this world, but I envisioned a relationship where we could just love each other and be happy. I wanted us to be consumed with each other and explore the world...discover each other’s interests and share in them. I'm excited about the love, excitement, and joy we bring each other, but it was always about us. I never imagined that you would be asking me to bring another person into the picture,” she said then got up and stepped away from me. “You have put me in a horrible position of having to tell you no…”

  “Shannon, we are building a life together. We are going to get married and move into a new house. Why wouldn’t you want us to have kids?” I asked gently.

  “Kids? It has moved from a baby to kids?”

  “I am fine with one. A baby is fine.”

  “Absolutely fucking not!” she barked.

  “Why not?”

  “I can’t be a mother to anybody. I don’t want to be a mother to anybody. If this is the condition under which we have to be together then…”

  Shannon paused and I could not feel anything inside me. I was numb. This was the woman who held my heart in her hands, and to hear her speak about our life together like this was absolutely heartbreaking.

  “Then what?”

  “I don’t know, but we are not having children and that’s final!” she shouted and walked away.

  I sat on the sofa and held my hands together, as feeling slowly returned to my body. I wished I had remained numb because the pain I was feeling was so unbearable that it forced the tears from my eyes. They fell onto the carpet in slow motion. My world that I had created in my mind was slowly crumbling down. Shannon wanted us to return to a lifestyle that I had given up and was no longer in keeping with the direction I wanted us to go. Now, she did not want to have children with me. The fear of Raj’s words continued to haunt me, and the possibility that he was right was ripping me apart because Shannon was my world. I could not imagine the rest of my life without her in it.

  I got up from the sofa and started removing my clothes to take a shower, but when I got in, Shannon was already in the bathroom. I sat on the chair by the makeup table and looked in the mirror at my tear-stained face. I wished I had my friends to talk to. They had given up on me, and I had abandoned them, but I wished I could just call them up and they would come running like they did before. But what kind of advice would they give me? They would just say that I should get rid of her and enjoy my life with some good sex. Mia would proceed to tell me about all the parties I was missing out on, and she could make arrangements for the next available one.

  I would no longer be satisfied with that. I only wanted Shannon, and I wished she wanted all the things I did. If she did not want a baby, I would have to give up on that dream to make her happy. There would always be something missing from my life, but I would rather deal with that than Shannon not being my wife.

  She walked into the room wearing a bathrobe and did not even acknowledge me. I wanted to speak but I was afraid it would set her off, so I went to take a shower. The whole time I was there, I kept thinking about how to put this behind us so we could be happy. Did I need to give in to her every desire just to keep her by my side? Did I need to go to one of those parties to make her happy? Everything was falling apart and I felt like I had lost at my attempt to do what was right.

  When I returned to the bedroom, she was dressed to leave.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m just going to clear my head a little,” she said as she placed her lipstick in the makeup holder.

  “Where are you going to do that?”

  “No, Arien. I’m not going to an orgy or to have sex with anyone else,” she said, looking at me angrily.

  “I didn’t say you were.”

  “But that’s how you think of me. You don’t believe that I can spend the rest of my life with only you. You don’t believe that I can be in a relationship with you and not think to myself that I made a mistake because I'm being restricted from going to sex parties. You don’t believe that we can have a fight and I am not going to get my fix somewhere else. You don’t believe that I want to take my life in the same direction you want, and you certainly don’t believe that I can still love you with every...with every fiber inside unless I am willing to have a child with you,” she said and the tears ran down her face. “Well, that is your fucking problem! You work on your fucking unfounded insecurities and not hold me responsible for them!”

  Shannon stormed out of the room and I closed my eyes waiting for the door to slam shut as she left. The sound was very painful and my heart broke at the words she left behind. Maybe I really was insecure about her commitment to me because of the circumstances under which we met and how she became my girlfriend. However, she was right. It was not right to hold her responsible when she had not done anything to support my fears. The baby was a different story. I couldn’t understand why she wasn't excited to start a family with me, and that was fueling my insecurities. It was not fair that I would have to give up on that dream that should have been for both of us.

  As I ate dinner alone that night, I thought about where Shannon could be. She had not called, and I didn’t want her to think that I did not trust her, so I decided to suffer from worry about where she could be. I spoke with my parents for a little and they wanted to speak to Shannon, but I told them she was out doing errands. I would not be the only one affected if Shannon should leave me. My parents loved her and would be devastated if our relationship ended. Shannon said she loved me and all this was in my head, and she was probably right. I was foolish to think that Shannon would want to be anywhere but in my life, however, I could not shake it. It was eating me alive.

  My phone rang and it was Raj! I was not sure if I should answer it, but I did.

  “Hello?” I answered sharply, despite feeling scared about what he had to say.

  “Hi, Arien. How is it going?” he asked, but I knew that more was coming.

  “Good.”

  “Really? Did you expect that you could destroy my marriage and it would not come back to haunt you?”

  “Raj, I have the power to disconnect this call. I don’t have to listen to you lament about losing your wife because she fell in love with someone else.”

  “I’m not lamenting, but I’m happy to know that it's not the paradise you both thought you would be in.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I just saw Shannon sitting in her car in the parking lot at the mall crying her eyes out. She wouldn’t say what it was, but it's obvious that she's not as happy as she imagined she would be,” he said and I had no response. “I have happily moved on, but this was a treat for me.”

  “Shannon and I love each other.”

  “Sometimes that’s not enough.”

  “Bye, Raj,” I said and disconnected the call.

  I could not breathe. Shannon was out there crying because she was unhappy with me. I walked over and opened the sliding door to the balcony so that I could get air into my lungs. I opened my mouth and panted, desperately breathing because I was so heartbroken and weak inside, so much that only tears would rid me of the pressure. I held on to the rail and I cried. This was not the life I wanted for Shannon. I wanted her to know nothing but happiness, and that was the goal I was failing miserably at. If having a baby was going to cause her so much distress, then I would have no choice but to drop it because I was not willing to compromise my relationship with Shannon for a child that was not even conceived.

  I went inside, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. It felt so lonely and depressing because the body
that was always intertwined with mine was not there. I closed my eyes and thought of all the amazing dinners we had, the stroll in the park, our picnics by the lake, the fun we had shopping together, our daily lunch in my office, the lovemaking that usually took our breath away, and I could go on forever. There were so many beautiful moments that we shared, and I allowed those thoughts to guide me into sleep. Her beautiful blue eyes staring at me with so much love…

  Chapter 20

  I woke up to the feel of Shannon’s arms around me, and I turned and pulled her closer to me. The fragrance of her conditioner filled my nostrils as I rested my face on her head. Shannon was home. I glanced at the clock and it showed twenty-five minutes after eleven at night. I was not sure when she got in, but it didn’t matter. She was lying in my arms, and it felt great to hold her close to me. Her breathing told me she was sleeping so she might have come in and came to bed without waking me, but as time passed, she found herself in my arms like she usually did.

  I closed my eyes with a smile on my lips and tried to go back to sleep. It was difficult to return to sleep once I had woken up, but the soothing breath that Shannon was exhaling fanned the skin on my chest and slowing I was falling back asleep.

  Shannon tossed a lot in my arms in the night, and at one point I had to wake her from a bad dream. She was having a difficult time mentally, and it was evident in the morning when she woke up. She stayed in bed for a long time and hardly spoke. She said nothing about sitting in her car crying, but her eyes were swollen so I knew it was true. I hated that Raj got to see that because I wanted him to know that she was happy with me, even if she wasn't. However, if we could get past this hurdle then we would have a happy life together, and he would see that she made the right choice.

  "Babe, you don't have to go to the office today. You could just stay home and rest," I said, as I handed her a cup of coffee.

  "Thank you," she replied, as she took the hot liquid. "I can't. I have a meeting with your dad this morning."

  "I'm sure he'll understand," I said.

  "Yes he would, but this is important," she said then looked up at me. "I saw Raj yesterday."