Something in the Air

by L.H. Cosway

  Michaela: James, I know it might seem cowardly to send this in a text, but I promise there’s a method to my madness. Mostly I know that if we have this conversation in person, you’ll argue with me and convince me I’m wrong. You’ll try to change my mind and I’ll be too weak to resist.

  Diana came to see me today. I won’t go into too much detail, and clearly she has an agenda, but she also made me realise some things. The most important is that I took advantage of you. You don’t know this, but I’ve fancied you pretty much from the first day we met. For months I kept my crush a secret. Then, when you were going through one of the most traumatic periods of your life, I made sure I was there. I took advantage of your loneliness and grief for my own selfish needs and I’ll never forgive myself for that.

  You are the best person I’ve ever known and it breaks my heart to do this, but it needs to be done. You need time to heal and to grieve. Diana took advantage of your kind nature and I never want to be like her, so I’m proposing a separation. I know your mother’s death is something that will always be with you, but you’re still going through the grieving process and I want to give you space to heal in your own time. Once you’re finally feeling like yourself again, then you can decide if you still want to be with me.

  Whenever that time comes, I’ll be here.

  All my love,

  Michaela.

  P.S. I’ll do my best to stay out of your way at work.

  I gripped my phone so tight I almost crushed the screen. My breathing quickened to the point where I was hyperventilating and pain seized my chest. I dropped down onto the chair and tried to calm down, but it was no use. I was having a panic attack. I’d had them before but never like this. My hands shook and dizziness overwhelmed me. Thoughts raced through my head a mile a minute.

  What on earth had Diana said to her?

  My devious ex-fiancée had somehow wheedled her way into Michaela’s insecurities and convinced her she was some kind of villain, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Beautiful, sweet, sensitive Michaela couldn’t take advantage of me if she tried. Yes, I was going through a rough time, but if anything, she made it better. Losing Mum and breaking up with Diana would’ve been so much harder if I didn’t have Michaela’s gentle, calming presence in my life.

  The panic attack became so bad I had to run upstairs and dig out the bottle of pills I’d stowed away in case of an emergency. I held the bottle in my hand, about to open it and down the pills when something came over me. This wasn’t me anymore. I didn’t need medicine, I just used it as a crutch. I thought of Michaela, of the sense of peace I felt when she put her hands on me. Opening the bottle, I upended it over the toilet then flushed away the pills.

  I didn’t need them. After a while, my pulse slowed and my breathing evened out. Then, as I centred my thoughts, anger took anxiety’s place.

  Pulling out my phone, I dialled Diana’s number and brought it to my ear.

  “James, it’s so good to hear from you,” she answered sweetly.

  “What did you do?” I growled. My question was followed by a long silence.

  “I don’t know what you’re—”

  “Don’t play dumb. I know you spoke to Michaela.”

  “I just told her the truth. She took advantage of you, James. You can’t see it, but I can.”

  “She didn’t take advantage. You don’t know anything about us.”

  Now she laughed. “Oh, honey, I’ve seen the photographs, and like they say, a picture paints a thousand words. I can see how smitten you are and I don’t blame you. Everyone would rather be with someone while they grieve than be alone, and Michaela made sure she was right there when you needed her.”

  “What pictures?” I ground out, not bothering to point out that everything else she said was false.

  “You haven’t seen them?” she said, a hint of derisiveness entering her voice as she tutted. “You’re always so behind on the gossip. The Daily Mail has posted photos of the two of you swanning around town on their website today. Speculation has been rife about who the mysterious brunette on your arm is.” Diana sounded bitter now, and suddenly it all fell into place. She’d seen some paparazzi photos and gotten jealous.

  “You just couldn’t help yourself,” I said, my voice laced with disgust.

  “Don’t be mad at me, baby,” Diana cajoled, softening her tone. “I’m your first love. You never forget your first, and I’ll be your last. I know you, James. No other woman will ever know you like I do. I know what you need and I can give it to you. Stop playing this game and come back to me.”

  She was deluded. “I am never coming back to you,” I growled. “And certainly not after what you’ve done. In fact, I never want to see your face again.” With that I hung up, tossing my phone across the room.

  This was such a bloody disaster and I needed to figure out a way to fix it. I needed to talk to Michaela and convince her that Diana had put lies in her head. Lies intended to crush this amazing, pure, beautiful thing we’d started together.

  ***

  I called her phone several times but got no answer. I left voicemails and texts, asking her to hear me out. I wanted to talk to her in person and I berated myself for not expecting this to happen. I should’ve known. Diana wasn’t the sort of woman to back off easily, I just hadn’t expected her to play so dirty.

  Desperate, I went to Michaela’s flat, but nobody answered the door. I couldn’t tell if she was in there and avoiding me, or if no one was actually home. I just needed to talk to her, but it felt like she’d disappeared into thin air. I even called Leanne, knowing she and Michaela were close. Unfortunately, she hadn’t seen her. I told her all that had happened. She sympathised, calling Diana a few choice words and promising she’d let me know if she got hold of Michaela.

  Finally, I drove to my dad’s house. He sat in the living room, watching the evening soaps. Mum had always loved Eastenders and Coronation Street, and I think he watched them now to feel closer to her.

  “Hi, Dad,” I said, my agitation evident.

  “Evening,” he answered, eyeing me warily as I sat down next to him. I stared unseeingly at the television screen for a long time before Dad broke the quiet. “You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, son.”

  I turned to him now. I didn’t want to lay my problems on him. He had enough of his own to deal with, but it all came tumbling out of me anyway. I couldn’t hold it back. Dad was a quiet, thoughtful man. Everyone said that of all his kids, I was most like him, both in looks and in personality. Mum was the lively one, the loud one, the one who was always laughing and joking, filling the house with noise. She was rarely seen without a smile on her face. She brought my dad out of himself. Her vivaciousness tempered his stoicism.

  I told him about how unhappy I’d been with Diana, but that I’d been numb to it until Mum’s death tore me open and showed me everything that was missing in our relationship. I told him about the medication I’d kept secret from everyone, like it was something to be ashamed of. I told him how Michaela’s gentle, caring presence brought me back to life, how I felt a galaxy of emotion when I was around her, whereas with Diana, I’d merely been existing. And finally, I told him how Diana convinced Michaela she’d taken advantage of me in my time of grief, tearing apart the tentative beginnings we’d made.

  Dad listened quietly, never interrupting me once. Then, when I fell silent, he spoke. “It sounds to me like you’re in love with this girl, James.” His words and keen observation made the feeling real somehow. I wasn’t just falling for her. I was in love with her. It was obvious to me now. Why else would I have the worst panic attack of my life at the thought of losing her?

  “Did you know,” Dad went on, “that when I went away to join the army, I broke up with your mother.”

  “I didn’t know that,” I responded quietly.

  “I loved her, but I didn’t want her to waste years of her life waiting around for me to come back. So I told her that.”

&nb
sp; “And what did she say?”

  He gave a soft chuckle, like it was a fond memory. “She told me to quit trying to fall on my sword, and that when you love someone, you make it work. Michaela thinks she’s doing the right thing with this separation, the same way I thought I was doing the right thing by breaking up with your mum. But like most things in life, your mum was right. When you love someone, you make it work.”

  I stared at my father, my pulse spiking as I looked into his wise brown eyes. “You think Michaela loves me?”

  He let a long breath, his expression full of care. “You’re so much like me in many ways, James. You keep your emotions locked in here,” he said, patting his chest. “But you have to lay all your cards out, tell her how you feel. Once you convince her of that, she’ll come back to you.” Dad shocked me when he reached out and pulled me into a tight, fatherly hug. “Your mother is gone. She was my everything, but now I live for my kids. I want to see all of you happy, James. I’ve only seen you with Michaela once, but I know for sure in all the years you were together, I never saw you look at Diana the same way you look at that girl.”

  Dad’s words bolstered me. I felt renewed. Like I suddenly knew what I needed to do to get her back. Now I just had to find the right words to express exactly how much she meant to me.

  Twenty-Five

  Michaela

  Giving James space was the hardest decision I’d ever had to make, but it was also the most selfless. I was putting his needs before my own. It was agonising, but I had to keep reminding myself it was the right thing to do. He’d left countless calls, voicemails, and texts, all asking the same thing.

  Talk to me. Please.

  But I couldn’t face him. My emotions were too raw, and I knew if I did, my willpower would crumble to dust. There was also the fact that my face was plastered across tabloid websites, and that went against my entire way of being. I was the girl in the shadows, the one who was happy to linger behind the scenes. Being front and centre like that made me feel like scratching my skin off just to stop the itch.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, my pulse pounding. No, that wasn’t me anymore. I wouldn’t return to the shadows, but I couldn’t allow myself to see James either, even if my heart yearned for him. Even if it felt like the crack that formed when I sent that text would never, ever heal.

  I startled when my phone vibrated. On autopilot, I picked it up, finding a text from Neil.

  Can you stop by the caterer’s and pay the bill on your way to the venue?

  The mundane request seemed surreal given the tumultuous state of my emotions. Over the last few days, I’d gone out of my way to work from home. Tonight though, I was going to have to brave the outdoors. Neil and I had organised a special screening of the Running on Air Christmas special for the cast’s family and friends. We found a great little boutique cinema near Notting Hill to hold it in. There’d be a drinks reception out in the lobby first, then everyone would gather in the theatre to watch the show. I wasn’t sure I was up to being around people, but I knew I had to go. It was my job to be there.

  Sniffling, I typed a quick reply.

  Yes, no problem. See you tonight.

  Just typing those words made my stomach twist. James would be at the screening. He was all I could think about. Try as I might, memories of our short time together constantly pushed their way into my thoughts. On my nightstand sat the box containing the chain he’d bought me for my birthday, a sweet keepsake of the Manhattan skyline. I grabbed it and shoved it to the back of my underwear drawer, unable to take the emotions it stirred up.

  When I looked back on New York, I didn’t remember the iconic sights or the excitement of the city. I remembered his eyes and the searing touch of his skin.

  The need to go to him was a constant ache in my stomach, but at the same time, I knew I had to stay strong. For him. I would go through this heartache so long as James was okay in the end.

  I was supposed to arrive at the venue early to help Neil set everything up, but I was worried that James might be there. I thought it would be better to wait until after the cast arrived at the event. That way, I could stay out front and avoid bumping into him.

  Thinking I could ask my friend a favour, I made a beeline for Afric’s bedroom, knocking softly on her door first.

  “Come in,” she called and I poked my head in.

  “Hey, can I ask you a huge favour?”

  She studied me, eyebrows drawing together in concern. “Have you been crying?”

  “No.” A pause as Afric arched an eyebrow at the fib. “Okay, yes,” I admitted. “I was upset earlier, but I’m better now.” I wasn’t, but there was no use talking about it. Talking wouldn’t heal the pain inside me.

  Afric folded her arms. “Okay, well, define huge.”

  “I need someone to go help Neil set up for an event tonight. James might be there if I show up early, and I’m not ready to see him yet.” Her eyes turned sympathetic. I’d filled my friends in on the status of things with James. They’d been nothing but kind and supportive, but I could tell Afric thought I was being crazy. She didn’t understand what it was like to have feelings for someone when they weren’t in the right state of mind to receive them.

  “I’d do it, but that Neil fella hates my guts,” Afric said.

  “He doesn’t hate you,” I argued and she laughed.

  “You’re a terrible liar, but you know what,” she said with a sigh, “I’ll take a bullet for you. I kind of like annoying him, and he’s sexy when he’s pissed.”

  “Please don’t tell him that,” I said, but she only gave a mischievous chuckle which didn’t do much to reassure me.

  Later that evening, I took a cab to the caterers, paid the bill, then took another cab to the screening. It was just a few days until Christmas and London was a hive of activity, all lit up with festive lights and decorations. Usually, such a sight would fill me with cheer, but I couldn’t seem to muster any.

  People were already filing inside the venue when I arrived at the screening. I spotted Afric by the door holding the guest list and hurried over to join her.

  “You’re a lifesaver,” I said. “Thank you so much for doing this. I owe you one.”

  “No worries. Neil wasn’t too happy when I showed up in your place, so I decided to play nice and apologised for being rude to him. That seemed to do the trick.”

  “Good. I’m glad. I can take over from here.”

  “Okay, cool. Is it okay if I stay and watch the show?” she asked.

  “Sure,” I replied. “But you’ll have to sit at the back. Those are the only free seats.”

  “I’m well used to the cheap seats,” Afric grinned, handing me the guest list and heading inside. I watched as she plucked a glass of prosecco from a tray before grabbing several tiny crackers with salmon and cream cheese and shoving them in her mouth. I shook my head, smiling faintly.

  Turning to the next guests, I checked first to make sure their names were on the list before letting them through. Then I took another peek through the glass doors to see if James was inside. I was still on pins and needles, hoping to do my job and leave without seeing him.

  I let another group of guests in, ticking them off the list before lifting my gaze to the next person in line. The friendly greeting died on my tongue when I found James standing before me. He was by himself, wearing jeans and a white shirt under his navy jacket. The simple outfit looked amazing on his tall, muscular frame. It had only been two days, but I couldn’t help drinking him in. My eyes travelled up, finally meeting his gaze. His expression was indecipherable, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe for a second.

  “James,” I said, my voice little more than a whisper.

  “Michaela, I—” he fell silent, like he was having trouble choosing the right words. We just stood there, staring at one another.

  “Are we going to have to wait much longer?” the lady behind James complained.

  I gritted my teeth to keep from saying something rude.

&nb
sp; “I’m sorry. I’m holding up the queue,” James apologised, standing aside. “You can go ahead of me.”

  I swallowed thickly, because he stood close to me now, his chest at my back. I felt his warmth behind me as I let the last few people in. Then it was just the two of us. James and I were alone and the tension was thick. This was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid. I didn’t know what to say. My instincts were all over the place. I felt like I should be apologising and defending my actions all at the same time.

  I turned to him, still standing close. I could smell his cologne, like a winter forest. It had a heady effect on me.

  I loved that smell.

  It was my favourite.

  With my eyes fixed to the ground, I shivered, a little because of the chill, but more because of James. “Are you cold?” he asked, his low voice washing over me.

  I glanced up at him from beneath my lashes, feeling unspeakably shy. Get a hold of yourself! “I’m okay,” I whispered, a wobble in my throat. Suddenly, emotion overwhelmed me and a tear threatened to fall out.

  “Would it be okay if we talked for a minute?” he asked, voice gentle.

  “I’m not sure if that’s—"

  “Hey! What are you two still doing out here?” Isaac butted in, poking his head out the door. “Come on, the screening’s about to start.”

  “We’ll be there in a minute,” James said, sounding annoyed at the interruption.

  Isaac disappeared and James returned his attention to me, his eyes full of tenderness that was like a knife to the gut. “You were saying.”

  I frowned, a thick wad sitting heavy in my throat. My chest burned and a tear finally trickled down my cheek. “Maybe we just should go inside” I made a move to step past him.

  “Michaela, you’re crying,” he murmured, reaching out to stop me with a gentle hand on my arm.

  I sucked in a deep breath and wiped the tear from my cheek, doing my best not to let any more fall. “I’m not crying.”