Femmes Fatal

by Dorothy Cannell

  Praise for the wickedly irresistible novels of

  Dorothy Cannell

  MUM’S THE WORD

  “Witty.”

  —Daily News, New York

  “Offers everything Cannell’s fans have come to expect … a wonderfully dotty cast of characters, an unerring sense of the absurd, and witty dialogue and insights.”

  —The Denver Post

  THE WIDOWS CLUB

  “A thoroughly entertaining novel.”

  —Cosmopolitan

  “Romps along with a judicious blend of suspense, frivolity, and eccentric characters.”

  —Booklist

  DOWN THE GARDEN PATH

  “Carries on the lovely lunacy in which Dorothy Cannell excels; I had an absolutely marvelous time with it.”

  —Elizabeth Peters, author of The Last Camel Died at Noon

  “Sparkling wit and outlandish characters.”

  —Chicago Sun-Times

  THE THIN WOMAN

  “Cannell makes a delicious debut; discriminatory whodunit fans will want more of her inventions.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “A likable debut—combining fairy-tale romance, treasure hunts, and a homicidal mania.”

  —Kirkus Reviews

  FEMMES FATAL

  “Dorothy Cannell has perfected the recipe for an outrageous brew of genteel wit and wicked satire in Femmes Fatal. I giggled to the end of this intricate plot of love-starved ladies, exhausted husbands, and discreetly kinky murder.”

  —Joan Hess, author of Maggody in Manhattan

  This edition contains the complete text

  of the original hardcover edition.

  NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED.

  FEMMES FATAL

  A Bantam Book

  PUBLISHING HISTORY

  Bantam hardcover edition/October 1992

  Bantam paperback edition/February 1994

  All rights reserved.

  Copyright © 1992 by Dorothy Cannell.

  Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 92-10745.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

  in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,

  including photocopying, recording, or by any information

  storage and retrieval system, without permission in

  writing from the publisher.

  For information address: Bantam Books.

  eISBN: 978-0-307-81667-2

  Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words “Bantam Books” and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, New York, New York.

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Epilogue

  Dedication

  Other Books by This Author

  About the Author

  Preview of God Save the Queen!

  Coupon

  Ladies, has the love light gone out of your marriage?

  Are you asking, Where have all the flowers gone?

  Become the woman he always wanted by phoning FULLY FEMALE today for your FREE confidential consultation with one of our fully accredited staff members.

  The first one hundred who remit this coupon also receive as gifts our very own black satin sleep mask and sample size Peach Melba Love Rub.

  34366 today and be in your hubby’s arms tomorrow!

  Must be 18 years or older. Not valid where prohibited by law. Peach Melba Love Rub is a trademark of Fully Female Ltd.

  He was a dark and stormy knight. A latter-day rake with eyes the colour of emeralds worth a queen’s ransom. His smile promised voyages to the moon. And heaven alone knew how many females lay littered in his wake.

  To a rousing burst of Rachmaninoff, he swept into my London flat one January evening and, with the hauteur of his greeting, captured my virgin heart forever and a day.

  “Miss Ellie Simons? My car awaits. Shall we splurge on dinner or parking tickets?”

  Never mind that he had no intentions honourable or otherwise, my existence as an overweight, underpaid interior designer would never be the same. The man wasn’t just a handsome face. He could do more than raise a dark sardonic eyebrow. He could cook. And not just baked beans on toast! Bentley T. Haskell was a first-class chef.

  In the grand tradition of paperback romance, we went from loathing to loving with all unseemly haste. My first two years as Mrs. Haskell were a rapturous journey with all the thrills and spills of white-water rapids. Our lovemaking blew enough fuses that one night all the lights went out. Our quarrels were glorious. The making up marvelous. Could any woman ask for more?

  On a glowing April morning, I awoke in my bedroom at Merlin’s Court to the woeful realization that the honeymoon was over. Ellie Haskell was no sultry siren straight from the pages of a bodice-buster romance. I was a thirty-year-old matron, weighing almost as much as when the twins, daughter Abbey and son Tam, were born four and a half months before. Worse, my marriage had turned flabby.

  At one time the sight of Ben putting on his socks had been enough to make passion’s flame set my nightie alight; now late-night feedings and stretchmarks that refused to fade with the application of S’Mother Cream had taken their toll.

  “Good morning, Sunshine.” Ben stood at the foot of our four-poster bed, clad in a black silk dressing gown that did wonders for his complexion. Tossing a coin in the air, he clapped it down on the back of his hand. “Heads, you cook dinner tonight. Remember, I will be home this evening. We have that meeting of the Hearthside Guild at the vicarage. And I am program chairman of the Full-Time Father Committee.” A woeful glance down at the coin. “You lose, my dear.”

  What had become of the man who once refused to let me sully my hands tossing a rasher of bacon in the frying pan? To outward appearances he remained totally adorable. The black hair was tousled, a smile lurked in those jewelled eyes, and the need for a shave hinted at gentleman turned bandit. No one would guess he had worked until midnight at Abigail’s, his restaurant in the village.

  “Full-time father?” I queried.

  “Ellie, we are talking about an attitude.” Again Ben spun the coin in the air, this time catching it in his pocket. “Parenting is my number-one occupation. Work is something I do”—he grinned—“to get out of the house when the nappies need washing.”

  Smile in place, I tossed back the bedclothes and rose to face the day. As yet there was no clarion call from the nursery. Sunlight darted accusing fingers at the haze of dust on the mahogany furniture. But this remained a proud, handsome room, its copper fireplace giving off the rich glow of Harvey’s Bristol Cream. Merlin’s Court—dear to me as the day I first came here, a podgy child with a chip on my shoulder the size of a tablet from Mount Sinai. The good old days when I hadn’t been expected to lift a finger except to ping the bell for tea.

  “Something wrong, Ellie?”

  “Just daydreaming.” I whirled to face him, if flannel can be said to whirl.

  A hopeful gleam lit his eyes. It had been days, weeks since we had … well, you know …

  “Sorry, dear, mornings are off-limits. I have to get the babies up, bathed, and fed before I take a break and fix the washing machine.”

  “No need, I rang the plumber.” Typical male, clouding the issue by being helpful.

&nbs
p; “Thanks. I’ll have Mr. Fixit cluttering up my kitchen all morning.”

  “You don’t have to entertain the man. A cup of tea perhaps. But definitely no cake. These days cake undoubtedly constitutes sexual harassment.”

  “What a blessing.”

  “My apologies for gadding off to work.”

  We studied each other, Ben with hands sunk in the black silk pockets, I sunk in gloom. Was love’s minuet reduced to this? Each of us tiptoeing around the other’s feelings? He moved to the door, hand on the brass knob.

  “Coffee’s made and the babies …”

  “I know.” A half hour earlier I’d heard him go in to change Abbey and Tam. All things considered, he deserved better than a love life that had gone from gourmet to thaw-and-serve.

  “How about frozen dinners tonight, dear?” I said, but he was gone in pursuit of the bathroom.

  Time for the mistress of the manor to get going. Motherhood had taught me a minute saved is a minute earned. Nudging the wardrobe open to unhook my dressing gown, I backed away from the mirror on the door, my raised hands warding off the evil vision in the manner of a vampire assaulted by sunlight. Lucky vampires! They cast no reflection. Was that flannel-faced, flannel-garbed woman really me? Had youth and beauty fled without a backward glance?

  My poor hair, what there was of it! I could stuff a sofa with what had come out on my brush since the birth of the twins. Twisting the now pathetic strands into a plait, I homed in on the bags under my eyes. Mouth quivering, I reminded myself there are worse things—baggy knees, for instance—and then made the mistake of looking down. The case was desperate. Time to get serious about my diet. No meals between meals, no more hedging. How could I face the handsome Reverend Rowland Foxworth tonight at the Hearthside Guild with a nose like this? The mirror drew me back with all the hypnotic power of the one belonging to Snow White’s stepmum.

  “Ellie …” Ben’s reflection rose up behind me, handsome as all get-out in his cuff-linked shirt and pleated trousers.

  “Oh, God! My nose. It’s moved so far over to the left I should never wear anything but red.”

  “My adorable nincompoop!”

  Great, now my mind was going. Peering around me, Ben bared his teeth at the mirror. Concerned, I suppose, that they weren’t a perfect match for his ultra-white shirt. A false alarm, needless to say.

  Those lips now met mine in a kiss of sorts. But neither of us had our hearts in it. Mentally, he was already at Abigail’s, plotting a curry that would prove the cure for the common cold. I was lost in bitter reverie. Damn, life is a sexist institution. Pregnancy had not achieved the ruinous effect on Ben that it had on me. If anything, his manly charms were enhanced. His shoulders had broadened and I could swear he was a couple of inches taller. Careful, an inner voice warned, as sure as the winning raffle ticket is always the one lost, you will lose Ben.

  One morning I would awake to find a note posted on the bedroom mantelpiece, informing me that he had gone home to Mother. The next forty years would be spent forwarding his mail and explaining to the twins why I had driven their father from the nest. “Daddy was all growed up, my sweets, he was too big to go on living at home.”

  Dear God, something must be done! Perhaps if I took lots of steaming hot showers … These pathetic musings ended when I turned to find Ben gone. His footsteps echoed with a dreadful finality on the stairs. Some muffled words floated up to me before the front door thumped shut.

  “Have a nice day, hubby mine.” What an idiot I was! Did I suppose my words would chase after him to the car? Were I a wife worth the name, I would rush after Ben and stand in the courtyard beneath the blaze of mullioned windows. The wind would ruffle my night gown about my ankles and play tag with my hair; my eyes would turn the colour of the sea on a rainswept day, and he would take the memory with him. A sweet and secret thing, a rose pressed within the pages of a book. Memories maketh marriage.

  Perhaps I wasn’t dead from the brain down, but I wasn’t about to find out. When I sped from the room, it was in answer to a cry from the nursery.

  “Coming, my darlings!” Amazing that some N.S.P.C.C. official had not already come banging on the door. Never could I convince myself that the babies cried because they were hungry or had wet bottoms. Almost putting my foot through my flannel hem, I entered that Mother Goose room with my throat full of butterflies. True to form, I fully expected to find a masked man with a bulging sack tossed over his shoulder—a latter-day Mr. McGregor, that dreadful man who made away with Peter Rabbit’s papa. Does a mother ever learn to feel safe where her offspring are concerned? Would I be fretting that Abbey and Tam were at the mercy of a wicked world when they were sixty? Would I ever let them go downstairs alone, let alone outdoors?

  My heart turned over at the sight of their drooly sweet faces pressed against the bars of their cots. Abbey’s stood at the daytime side of the room, under a sky-blue ceiling, painted with Smiley Sun and clouds with lambs’ faces. Tam occupied the nighttime side, where the Cow, sporting a buttercup necklace, jumped over the Moon. Oh, to have arms long enough to scoop up both my babies at once! What’s a mother to do? Tam’s squeals competed with the springs of Abbey’s cot as she did push-ups.

  “Gentlemen first today.” Avoiding my daughter’s eyes, I stepped past the window alcove wherein stood the toy box that Jonas built, cleverly disguised as the Old Woman’s Shoe. There—I have mentioned the man’s name. Jonas, who goes by the title “gardener” at Merlin’s Court, had bunked off the previous week with Dorcas, our erstwhile housekeeper. This wasn’t a spree to Gretna Green, for Jonas is in his seventies and Dorcas has foresworn men. Purportedly they were helping out a friend of Dorcas’s who was laid up with a bad back—or a good book, more like. Dorcas I could believe; she is a great one for pounding the sickbed pillows and ramming a thermometer in your mouth—or wherever comes handiest. But Jonas? I hadn’t bought his story of feeling impelled to pitch in with his pitchfork in Mrs. What’s-Her-Name’s garden. I had spied a furtive look in his eyes and for one shocking moment actually suspected him of running away from home. He told me some cock-and-bull story about Mrs. Pickle, the vicar’s daily, having designs on him. Ridiculous! But what other reason was there? Jonas lived the life of Riley here at Merlin’s Court. I coddled him along with the twins and never took advantage of his affection for them. When he offered to fetch them down from their naps, I told him to stay put and drink his Ovaltine. When he offered to take them for a wheel in the pram, I went with him to make sure he didn’t get out of puff coming up the hill. Jonas must live forever, for the thought of Merlin’s Court without him was unbearable.

  “Right, Tam, my darling?”

  My clever boy was in my arms almost before I reached for him, his grip on my nose explaining why it was off-centre.

  “I’ll trade you a finger.”

  He grabbed the one I held up and crowed with delight. Nuzzling him close, I crossed to pick up Abbey. They were squirmy as seals and getting too big for me to hold both at once, but as I breathed in the milky-new smell of them, I told myself I was the wickedest woman on earth.

  Your life is a fairy tale, Mrs. Haskell, you ungrateful witch. You live in a castle straight from the realms of the brothers Grimm. So what if sometimes you feel like the princess who turned into a frog? Some sensible exercise, a change of shampoo, the removal of all edible food from your diet and you might begin to feel Fully Female. Now where had I heard those F words? Probably some advert for a douche.

  The twins, straphanging from my ears, gurgled replies that made a lot of sense to each other. Occasionally I did feel something of a third wheel. Maternal pride aside, they were adorable with their periwinkle blue eyes and red-gold hair, just beginning to turn from down into feathers of the real stuff. Neither looked much like me or Ben. But I didn’t worry that they were changelings; they were born in this house on a snowy evening not fit for man nor beast to be abroad. Ben had been a tower of strength, reminding me when it was time for a contraction. Heaven forb
id we should miss one.

  Speaking of Daddy, he would now be at Abigail’s, too busy among the stainless steel pots and copper bowls to cling to the memory of my wanton indifference. Suffused with shame and the inability to breathe with my wee ones choking me, I settled on the window seat and embarked on our geography lesson for the day.

  “See the garden with its pretty trees? Beyond the iron gates is Cliff Road. And below the cliffs is the sea. Sometimes the sea sounds like a growlly tiger, other times it sounds like Tobias Cat slurping milk, and sometimes the sea cries like you do when you are hungry. This morning … shhh, the sea is sleeping. Mustn’t wake it.”

  Applause.

  “Ouch!” I removed Abbey’s hands before she made bonemeal of my face. “Our closest neighbour, a quarter of a mile down the road, is nice Reverend Foxworth. He is vicar of the historic St. Anselm’s church which dates back to Norman times. Understand, my darlings, I am not speaking of Norman the Doorman, star of kiddy television.”

  For those unacquainted with said character, he was by day the mild-mannered doorman of Tinseltown Toyshop, but when shadows lengthened and the Closed sign appeared on the door, he turned into Norman, Defender of Wronged Toys. Decked out in his Hermes helmet and waterproof cape (only soap or water could bring his undoing) and chased by goblins with—you’ve got it—water pistols, he scaled buildings and shinned down chimneys, proclaiming “Never fear, Norman’s here!” Yesterday I’d missed the rescue of Dolly Dimples because Miss Thorn, the church organist, had knocked on the door at the crucial moment. Ostensibly she came selling raffle tickets to raise money for a new altar cloth, but I knew her prime motive was to find out why I had missed services three … or it could be four … Sundays in a row. Miss Thorn is one woman who does have eyes in the back of her head.