by K R Bicknell
“Don’t.” I manage to whisper and then he moves back. I sigh in relief and yet close my eyes feeling the loss of his closeness. On silent feet, he leaves and the chill of the night blows through my bones.
I’m still shaking as I close my door and slide into bed, regretting my last word to him.
The next two days pass by in a blur. I work long shifts but manage to join my mom and Harry for dinner every night. I barely see the boys, except when I pass Jacob in the hall. He is always amusing with a smile and flirtatious remarks. I don’t see Caleb except when I wander into the upstairs lounge after dinner one night. He watches me silently as I laugh with Jacob and I wonder if there is something warmer in his gaze or if I’m just imagining things.
Jacob
I messed with Little Sis.
Yeah, I know, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to try, to flirt. What’s Brother going to do, huh? I’m not doing anything he isn’t. It’s going to be one of us. We’re the Westlake boys, even if we didn’t have this reputation, women can’t resist us. She’s gonna cave sooner or later.
I love the fact that she knows the Die Hards, I mean, can there be a more perfect girl for me?
Caleb
Jacob was fucking with her.
Don't’ ask how I knew. I just did. That’s why I went down to the media room.
I hated the way my eyes kept going to the door. Even Bruce Willis kicking ass couldn’t keep my mind off her. Brother saw, thank fuck he didn’t say anything otherwise he’d have more bruises. When I went upstairs, I couldn’t stay out of her room. Just checking up, I told myself.
Why did I tell her those things on the balcony? No one knows. But somehow I felt like she wants to know. She’s the first girl who seems not to care about our money, or reputation.
Then I touched her. I swore to myself I wouldn’t, but I did.
Don’t know what happened but I didn’t want to stop. Glad she stopped me. It would have been a fucking disaster because I wasn’t going to stop.
Fucking shit! The feel of the skin on her neck, her hair.
Dad’s a moron for putting her room so close.
Hannah
I don’t want to imagine things. I’m not stupid. I know his reputation in school, both of theirs. Mandy tells me daily. They are players, manhoes as she calls them. They use the girls and throw them away. I don’t want to be another conquest. Yet, late at night when I lightly trace my pinky with my other hand, I wonder if it’s really so bad. I have never dreamt of love. I know it doesn’t exist. So, would it be so bad, just being his, spending one night, or even a few hours in his arms? He could show me all the things. All those things the girls gush about in locker rooms and restrooms. I want it. My body aches for it. But I’m still too scared, so I don’t do anything.
Christmas Eve, I go to Percy’s gym before work. He’s sparring in the ring with a kid, maybe eleven, twelve years old. I stand on the side and just watch. The kid is an amateur but enthusiastic, fast, and aggressive. I know most of the kids Percy coaches come from broken, even abusive homes and remember how it feels just to have a safe place to release your anger. They finish up and he takes off his gloves, ruffling the kid's hair and saying something that makes him smile. When he sees me, he runs towards me shouting “Girlfriend!” And grabs me in a tight hug, lifting me up high in the air. My mixed-race friend is huge, big, and muscular and I’m happy to be enveloped in his safe arms.
“Hey!” I say when he puts me down. “I know you close early so I thought I’d bring your Christmas gift.”
“Aww, you didn’t have to get me anything.” He croons, but I know he’s happy.
“Of course, I did. You’re still my best friend, right?”
“Always, missed you lately. Where you been?”
He asks as we make our way to the benches in the corner.
“Um, I’ve moved. To Cherry Hill.” I fumble with the handle of the gift bag I brought.
He whistles and sits down, “How come?” he asks, and I love how he’s not judging.
“Remember I told you, my mom was dating that rich guy, well we moved in with him.”
“Okay, how do you like it?”
“I didn’t want to at first, but I guess I’m getting used to it,” I say.
“Well, that’s good, there’s nothing wrong with taking what’s given, you know you deserve the best, Princess.”
“It’s not about what you deserve, though, is it?” I ask.
“Nah, life’s not fair. But I still wouldn’t refuse something nice.”
“Exactly.” and on that note, I hand him his gift. He loves the new leather driving gloves and I spend a few more happy minutes with him before rushing off to work which is only a few blocks away. I have gotten more used to asking Travis for a ride, yet still not as comfortable as I want to be as the man hardly talks.
When I get home, I see Harry standing in the hall in front of Jacob’s door. As I walk up, I hear Jacob mumbling from inside.
“Hey, Hannah!” Harry says when he spots me, “Joining us for dinner? Adele made quite a spread before she left.”
“Sure.” I say, “Do you need help warming it up?”
“Pretty sure your mom has got it handled, she looked really comfortable in the kitchen.”
“She is, I’ll still see if she needs help.”
As I walk towards my room, I hear him shouting in his loud authoritative voice.
“Nothing doing, I’ve let you be all these days, thinking you needed time, but you can’t avoid her forever!” and I know he’s talking about my mom as Jacob hasn’t really been avoiding me.
I change and wait until I’m sure he’s left before heading out of my room.
When I pass Caleb’s door and turn towards the kitchen stairs, I can hear Jacob in there.
“Fuck it, brother, I don’t care!” I hear Caleb’s gravelly voice say, “It’s only a couple of hours, we can tolerate them.”
‘Them’ he’d said them, not her. I was also someone they had to tolerate. I blinked and reminded myself how much I hated these guys. It hadn’t been a good idea to let my walls down in front of them.
I helped Mom set the table in the formal dining room behind the kitchen.. Yes, Adele had made a lot of food, before she left to spend the holiday with her family.
There was a whole roast chicken, two types of potatoes, mashed and sweet, various side dishes, and two desserts.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to eat this much,” I say to mom, as I set the silver next to the fancy dishes.
“That’s okay, we’ll just have leftovers tomorrow. God, I hope the boys come.” She said with a smile.
I felt my heart sink, “Mom, don’t get your hopes up, regarding them.” As soon as I said that, Jacob and Caleb entered the dining room. I was sure they heard me, but I didn’t care, I’d heard them say worse about me. I made to go back into the kitchen and found Caleb’s large body blocking my way.
I cleared my throat, he didn’t move.
“Excuse me.” I finally said, raising my gaze to meet his. I had to keep my breath under control as his heated gaze caressed my face. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell if he was angry or turned on, and frankly, right now, I didn’t care. After staring at me for a long second, he moved aside, and I walked into the kitchen to grab the salad.
Everyone is quiet after we start dinner. I sit next to my mom and Harry sits at the head of the table, the boys across from us. I keep my head down to avoid looking at anyone. Harry tries to make conversation, but no one speaks other than Mom.
“How was your work, Hannah?” he asks me.
“Okay,” I say.
“It must be busy because of the holidays,” he says.
“Yeah, actually it was pretty busy.” I give him a bone seeing as he’s trying so hard.
“But, that’s good, right, more tips?” he says with a smile.
I look down at my food and feel my face reddening remembering the hundred dollars Jacob had left me.
“What about yo
u boys, you have plans for your holidays?” my mother asks.
The boys ignore her.
“I was thinking maybe we can do something together tonight, like card games. Do you boys like card games?”
I hear a scoff and I’m not sure who did it but I’m fuming. I hate the way they’re insulting her and even though she acts like it doesn’t faze her, I know she’ll cry later.
We’re all silent.
“I think card games are a great idea, Honey,” Harry says.
“You know what, I think I have plans with the guys,” Jacob says.
“Why don’t you say what you really mean, “ I hear myself saying, “You’d rather be anyplace but here.”
Jacob looks up in surprise and I can’t interpret Caleb’s look.
“Hannah!” My mom protests.
“I’m sorry Mom, but I can’t.” I say and then look at the boys, “At least she’s trying, I don’t want to be here either, but I’m trying too.”
“Try what?” Jacob scowled at me, “I am not going to pretend that we’re one happy family here. She’s not my mother and you’re not my sister!”
“Jacob!” Harry’s voice bounces off the walls.
Jacob stands up and throwing his napkin on his plate says “Sorry, Dad. I tried!”
He leaves and Caleb follows him silently.
I hear my mom sniff as I stare blankly at my plate and then I hear Harry whisper to her and kiss the back of her hand. She inhales deeply.
“I.. I think I should bring out the dessert now,” she says and leaves.
I caught Harry’s eye, “I’m so sorry, Hannah. The boys are...no they’re just being jerks that’s what they are.”
I nod and look down again. My anger has dissipated and now I just want to disappear.
After helping mom clean up, I head to my room. Both the boys' doors are shut, and I hear Caleb’s deep rumble from Jacob’s though I can’t make out the words.
I text Mandy and she helps lighten my mood with funny stories about her family’s Christmas Eve activities. Restless and still nursing the grudge against the boys, I step out onto my balcony. The night is chill, but the breeze helps me feel calmer and I decide to sit on one of the cushioned chairs.
It’s not long before I notice the sweet smell of pot and I turn to see a small pinprick of orange from the other balcony. I knew it was Caleb as Jacob’s room was across the hall and if he had a balcony it would face the back yard. I wonder if he knows I’m here.
“You always fight like that?” His voice flows over the black canyon of the night to me.
“For my mom, yes.” I say, and then, “Your brother’s an asshole.”
“I know.” He says a smile in his voice.
“Is he going to get punished?”
“Probably not.”
“I would.”
“Yeah, well your mom is better than my dad.”
I don’t respond and we sit quietly for a few minutes. The moon is almost full and shines brightly on me. I feel the chill in the air and yet am still warm from the inside.
“Jacob said you fought Molsky like a wildcat.” He finally says, “Sorry I missed it.”
“Well if someone touches my stuff,” I explain.
“I get protecting what’s yours.” He says.
“Is that what you’re doing?” I ask.
“Trying to.” He says succinctly, “Failing.”
“Your dad loves her.”
“That’s what he thinks, but there’s no such thing.” He says.
I stay silent, my heartbeat slow and loud.
“People just use each other till they’re done.”
“That’s what you do.” I finally say.
“Are you saying it’s a bad thing? The girls know what I want from them, haven’t heard anyone complaining.”
He sounds so full of himself I have to comment. “God, you’re such a tool!”
“Why?” He says, sounding serious.
“Because no girl is actually going to tell you she didn’t...um... enjoy herself. I heard they’re pretty good at faking it.”
“Pretty sure I can tell when they get off.”
My heart thumps once. And again.
I hear him exhale. Both of us sit silent.
“Do you?” He finally asks.
“What?”
“Fake it?”
I don’t answer for as long as I can and then, “I have no point of reference.”
He doesn’t speak, so I explain.
“I’m a virgin,” I say. We’re so quiet I feel like I’m alone in space, with a bubble of his words surrounding me.
“Is it that shocking?” I ask and turn to look but he’s gone. The empty balcony shining gray in the moonlight.
I rub my face with my hands, and it feels icy like the metal of the chair. As I close my french door and turn into my room I hear a knock.
I open the door and Jacob is leaning against the wall frowning at me. I step back to let him in.
“Brother said I should apologize so I’m apologizing.” he says, “I’m sorry I made you feel bad.”
I cross my arms; my body is still cold.
“You made my mom feel bad,” I say.
“I’m not apologizing to her. Whatever she says, she’s trying to take my mom’s place.”
“Pretty sure, that’s not her agenda. Your dad invited us here you know.” I say.
“Yeah, well he’s pussy whipped. All guys do shit like that to get laid.”
“Are you insulting my mom again?”
“Hey,” Caleb says from the doorway. I don’t want to see him right now, so I turn and face the balcony door.
“I’m just,“ Jacob continues, “I mean, you’re not that bad and I just don’t want you pissed at me.”
“Then don’t insult my mom,” I say to him.
He huffs and raises his hands, “Fair enough.” he says.
The lumbering hulk in the doorway is quiet.
“Truce?” I say and extend my hand, he takes it but doesn’t let go.
“Hey, me and the guys are going out, there’ll be girls there too, wanna come?” He asks.
“Not my scene,” I say pulling my hand out of his grasp.
“But, hey, the guys like you.”
“And the girls want to claw my eyes out.”
“That’s just because they’re jealous.” He says with that cute smirk.
I cross my arms and smile. “Thanks, but no thanks.”
“Your loss.” He smiles and leaves, “Coming Brother?” He asks as he passes Caleb.
“Start the car, I’ll be there in a minute,” Caleb says not moving.
I look at him and feel that unnerving heat again. He just stares, his golden eyes darker than usual.
“What?” I manage to croak out.
“You’re really a virgin?”
“What does it matter?” I ask, flopping down to sit on my bed.
“Shouldn’t.” He says casually, sliding his hands into his pockets, “But it’s very tempting.”
“Lock the door.” He says as he turns to leave, and I rush to do it before I remember to breathe.
“Shit.” I whisper to myself, “I’m such a fool.”
He wouldn’t. A part of me knows he wouldn’t. But the part that wants him to, grows bigger every day.
I go to bed, cursing the boys, reminding myself what assholes they are so I don’t forget.
The next morning is Christmas and I go downstairs in my usual pajamas of old t-shirt and leggings.
“Good morning,” Mom says, looking happier. She’s figured out how to work the fancy coffee machine and I can smell it brewing.
“Hey Mom,” I hold her in a tight hug and whisper, “Merry Christmas.” After all, this is over, it’ll be just her and me again and I need her to remember how much I love her.
“Hey, go sit under the tree, I’m warming up this yummy bread pudding that Adele left us and will be there in a minute.”
I go into the family room where Harry i
s sitting next to the huge tree in his proper dark pinstriped button-down pajamas. Well, at least he isn’t a creep.
“Are the boys coming down?” Mom asks when she comes.
“They got in pretty late, I wouldn’t wait for them.” Harry looks ashamed as he speaks.
“Well then maybe we’ll eat while we wait. I want to see them open their presents.” My mom says, forever optimistic.
They tumble down while we are sitting at the table and enjoying Adele’s bread pudding. Jacob plops down on the chair next to me, Caleb next to him.
“Something smells disgusting.” He groans as he lowers his forehead to the table.
“Jacob!” Harry reprimands.
Caleb’s large hand grabs the back of Jacob’s neck and pulls his head up.
“They’re just hungover.” My mom says, “I know something I can make for that.” And she leaves the table.
Jacob leans into my neck, “You should’ve seen this girl I was in last night, Little sister, she smells just like you.” Before I can push him away, he’s pulled off of me by his brother.
“Lay off it, Brother. I’m just smelling her.” Jacob rasps.
Harry whispers “Behave! It’s Christmas.”
“Then why don’t I remember celebrating it before?” Jacob says, “Wasn’t it last year when we got a text from you, Dad, a text! Saying our gifts were delivered from Amazon and are sitting on the porch.”
“Whatever our issues, you don’t have to take them out in front of Abby or Hannah.”
“Why not, they’re family now, right?”
Caleb leans over to whisper in Jacob’s ear and Jacob stops ranting, pursing his lips.
My mom brings over her trusty hangover cure and both boys sip it.
“Phew!” Jacob spits it out as he makes a face, “That’s disgusting!”
“I know it tastes bad, but it’ll make you feel better.” My mom tries to say.
“Is she trying to poison us?” He asks Caleb, ignoring my mom.
Before I or Harry can say anything, my mom speaks up.
“No, you did that to yourself. Now if you want to feel better, drink it. Regardless, we’ll be waiting for you in the family room.” My mother said in her teacher's voice and left the room. Harry and I followed not looking back at the boys.