by K R Bicknell
“Brother?” He asks once and is asleep again before I can answer.
“I’ll bring him a water bottle and aspirin,” Mom says from the doorway. I nod. After she leaves I lay down next to him, my hand on his back. As long as I can touch him I won’t float away.
I don’t know how long I lie there, my eyes wide open but when I hear voices I raise myself up. Walking down the stairs I can hear Harry shouting.
“Do you even care about your future?! School? Basketball?”
“No! I fucking don’t, okay?” I hear Caleb’s low growl and freeze on the stairs, “Do you, Dad? Do you?! Do you even know what’s going on in this house, under your nose? Your son, your fucking son is an addict! And Hannah, Hannah?” His voice breaks, “I’m done! I’m done, covering for you, okay? You need to take your face out of your bitch’s cunt and look around!”
I hear a thwack and sit down, my old fear gripping me.
There is no other sound and then Caleb thunders past me up the stairs. I can’t move so I sit for another minute and soon Harry is walking up the stairs.
“Hannah, I’m sorry I...where is your mother, is she...?”
I press my lips together and nod, “She’s okay.” I say and get up and leave before he says anything further.
I peek in my room. Jacob is still deeply asleep. I close the door behind me and leave. I hear a low banging when I get to Caleb’s room. When I open the door, I see him hitting the doorpost of the french doors. Over, and over again, he hits it, the full force of his fury behind each punch. I can feel what he’s feeling so I don’t stop him, just lock the door behind me. Finally, he stops, leaning his head on the jamb and panting, thin trails of blood flow down from his knuckles.
“You shouldn’t be here.” He says without turning around.
“I’m not going.” I say, “I know.”
“What do you know?” He asks turning around and wiping his face. I’m taken aback by the bruises and cut lip. I can’t help but move closer and trace my fingers over the harsh beauty.
He stands still, those golden eyes probing coldly.
“I don’t know what happened.” I finally say, “but I think I know what you’re feeling.”
I take his shoulders and turn him and push him back till he runs into his bed and push him down. He sits on the edge and I straddle his knees to sit on his thighs. He is still staring silently.
My fingers brush lightly over his face, over the darkening skin around the eye, over the reddening nose, over the cut on the lip. He pulls back. I rest the greedy fingers on the side of his neck and begin talking.
“I freeze. Sometimes, I don’t know why, but sometimes, I know I’m afraid. I’m not afraid of myself being hurt as much as I am of letting go. I know how it feels, to have that hot ball of rage in your chest, all the time. I know if I let it go, I’m going to hurt someone, hurt them so bad I might kill them.”
His bloody hands clench my waist tightly and slowly, so slowly he lies down taking me with him. My fingers move down to the neck of his tee and then over the middle of his chest to find his heartbeat and stay there.
“I know.” I continue, with a deep breath, “I know what it feels like to act like you’re made of stone when it feels like there’s hot lava inside you, leaking through the cracks. I know how it feels to be the strongest person in the room because you have to hold the roof up. Because if you don’t and it falls down, it takes everything. I know what it feels like to always have to play the adult even though you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.” I finally let the tears enter my voice, “Because no one else is.”
He doesn’t say a word, he just keeps staring at the ceiling with those golden eyes. We lie on his bed, my legs on the sides of his hips, my chest on top of his wide one, and I stop talking and bury my face in the side of his neck. Eventually, he lifts his hand up from my waist and sinks it into my hair at the back of my head. When I finally feel his grip loosening, I allow myself to close my eyes and sleep.
Caleb
Fucking shit, Hannah!
I don’t know what to do.
No, I do.
All I see is red when I get back to the fucking party. I ask around, I ask everyone if they saw what happened. These guys know. I already told them she’s not to be messed with. They should’ve known. Josh Berkovitz, the name sticks in my head. He’s a baller, he should’ve known. When I see his face, I see the fear. That’s all the sign I needed. I can’t see straight when I lay into him. I want to end him.
“You don’t touch her!” I hear myself repeating.
Don’t remember much else, except I end up at the police station.
No shit.
The only thing I feel now is cold. Why is it so fucking cold in here? After all the money my dad has donated? This should be like a fucking tropical beach.
“Tell us how it happened.” They keep asking. I don’t talk. No use, no one hears you anyway. They eventually leave me alone, tell me my dad’s on his way.
Right.
I sit for hours. This fucking chair is so hard and I think my fingers are going to fall off, they are so cold. For the first time in years, I miss my mother. She’d tell them. She’d make them take these cuffs off, right?
No, she wouldn’t. She was a damn wimp. It’s all a fairy tale. No one fucking fought for me. Ever.
Maybe that’s why I fight. You gotta take care of your own. Like Jacob, he’s mine. He’s the only one who’s all mine. What the fuck was up with him today?
I dropped the ball, that’s what. I was supposed to be looking out for him.
The last thing my mother said the morning she left was ‘Take care of your brother.’ That’s what I have been doing. Every single day since then. But tonight, I was with Hannah. That’s why girls are poison.
But she, somehow I think she would’ve fought for me. She’d tell these dumb fucks to turn up the heat. She’d warm up my hands in her soft ones.
Shit.
They finally take off the cuffs and take me out of that room. Say they can’t help me if I don’t talk. I say ‘talk to my lawyer.’ That’s what you’re supposed to say, right? Like on the tv shows. I have a lawyer, or at least my dad does.
I see Miranda, a girl I once...but she just frowns and walks away. That’s the thing about girls, no matter how many times you say ‘this is just one time, I’m not going to call’, they still expect you to call. They want the fairy tale. Well fairy tales aren’t real, Disney’s just a multimillion corporation, they know what sells. But the truth is no one stays with you, they all leave.
My dad appears. Pays bail or whatever shit. Doesn’t even pretend to look at me.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” he asks in the car.
I don’t answer. It’s no use, I know he never hears what I say.
“She’s gone, Dad!” nine year old me yelled into the phone, “Mom, she’s gone!”
“Caleb, she just went to the store, I’m sure she’ll be back soon.” he says over the line.
“No, Dad, she told me to take care of Jacob.”
“Caleb, how many times have I told you not to disturb me at work? Your mom will be back soon.”
“No, Dad! She left! You have to find her, bring her back!”
He didn’t.
Since that day I knew it was no use talking, screaming at adults. They didn’t listen. Neither did kids actually. No one actually hears your words, they listen to your tone and then twist the words around to hear what they want.
“Were you thinking at all about how this will affect me, your brother, your future?” He asks.
No, I wasn’t. Sometimes you don’t think.
We’re walking into the kitchen when his fist comes towards me. I’m alert enough to stop it. I’m big now. Bigger than him. But when he repeats the stuff about how I should care about my future, I explode. Like a volcano, I spew, and say horrible things about him. He’s not the best father either and he should know. This time when his fist comes for my face, I take it.
/> I deserve it.
Then I run away.
I pretend I don’t see the huddled form on the stairs but I do.
I go into my room and I’m losing it. The volcano that started erupting in the kitchen can’t be reined back in. I hit the door frame. Again. Till I feel the pain in my knuckles. The pain feels good, it’s better than the storm in my head.
Then she’s there.
She holds me. Touches my face.
Tells me things.
I stay frozen. I can’t erupt in front of her. I’ll hurt her.
She says things. It’s like she crawled inside my brain. She knows everything. I don’t have to speak.
We lay down. I pray she doesn’t leave.
She’s an angel. Her touch light like feathers. Her words float around me.
I want to hide under her halo.
I want to bury myself into her where it’s all goodness, and white, and pure. Where there’s no more me.
She’s an angel. She doesn’t deserve me.
I am the devil.
Hannah
I’m in a deep sleep when I hear a noise. I open my eyes and it takes me a bit to realize I’m in Caleb’s bed. He sleeps next to me, our legs touching. My eyes feel swollen as if I cried the whole night, I slowly swing my legs to the floor and rub my face. The knock repeats. I open the door to my mother. She looks clean and put together, her hair styled.
“I was looking for you.” She says.
I step out and close the door behind me.
“You shouldn’t be here.” She continues.
Instead of saying the things I want to, I ask “Why?”
“Caleb is...he’s very messed up right now.” She says.
“Exactly, that’s why he needed someone.”
“Did you sleep with him?” she asks. I ignore her question and move past her to walk to my room.
“I’m just looking out for you, Baby,” she says, following me.
I sigh, we’re at my room now and my bed is empty.
“Where’s Jacob?” I ask.
“Downstairs. I made him the hangover remedy.”
I walk down the stairs. Jacob is sitting at the kitchen table with his head hanging low as Harry talks to him in a soft voice.
“I know.” Jacob says, “I know I fucked up.”
“Not only your name but your brother’s,” Harry says, still in that cold, low voice.
“I didn’t ask him to go back,” Jacob grunts out.
“Regardless. It happened.”
“I know. I’ll fix it.” Jacob says.
Adele puts a cup of hot coffee in front of me and for the first time in my life, it tastes bitter. Everything feels wrong this morning.
“Not your way. My way.” Harry says, my mother sits next to him, “First of all, it goes without saying you’re grounded. I could take basketball away from you,”
Jacob lifts his head and scowls at him.
“But since it’s so close to the end of the season and none of this is Coach’s fault, you both will be allowed to play, but you’re coming immediately home afterward.”
Jacob makes a pfft! sound.
“Travis, Travis will be driving you everywhere now.”
Jacob looks up again but doesn’t say anything.
“And once a week,” Harry continues, “You’re coming with me to a AA meeting.”
“I don’t have a habit, Dad!” Jacob protests.
“Maybe not yet, but you’re on your way, and I’m gonna nip it in the bud. That’s it you’re dismissed.” Harry said.
“Dismissed?” Jacob said.
“He needs to eat,” Adele speaks out softly.
“He will, after he showers.”
Jacob leaves in a huff.
Jacob
I fucked up.
I really fucked up.
It’s not the first time but....
Every one was looking for Brother after the game. He’s the star. He’s their fucking hero.
I know the only reason they hang out with me is because of him. They know he doesn’t give a shit, about them, probably why they worship him.
So, before I step into coach’s house, I take a hit. Just to take the edge off. So I can be the party animal they expect and guide them all in their hero worship.
Act like I’m his biggest fan.
It must’ve been some strong shit because I don’t remember anything. Except losing it.
I remember saying something about how no one sees me. Stuff I never tell. I spew all the venom that’s in my head, in my heart.
I don’t remember.
I remember Hannah.
Why is she with me? Why is she not with him? Did I drive him away? Like I did with mom?
I wake up dazed and everything hurts.
The first thing I do is check his room.
She’s there.
In his bed.
Wrapped around him.
It hurts but it’s what I deserve. At least he’s here.
Her mother gives me that disgusting stuff to drink again. I don’t want to feel better but I listen to her.
And Dad.
He’s pissed.
Says I have a habit.
I don’t. But he won’t hear.
Only Brother ever listens, but now he won’t either.
I wish I could just die, leave them all alone.
I always fuck up.
But I can’t, because if I leave Brother won’t have anyone at all.
Maybe Hannah. Maybe he’ll have Hannah.
Hannah
I take a big gulp from my coffee cup. Now it’s cold and bitter. I’m thinking of leaving too since I’m not hungry for breakfast yet, but stop myself when I see Caleb stumble in. He looks cleaner now, though his face is still multi-colored and is wearing the blue sweater. The one Mom had bought and I had picked.
“Where are you going?” Harry asks him.
“Work.” He says as he picks up his thermos and takes a sip.
“You’re late,” Harry says.
“Well there’s not much I can do about it now,” Caleb says coldly.
“We need to talk,” Harry says.
Caleb sighs but still doesn’t look at us, “Not now.” he says.
“Fine, then after work.”
“I’m not gonna be home till late,” Caleb says.
“Caleb!”
“No, you don’t get to stop me,” he says and leaves.
Harry sighs and looks down at the table “I’ve lost him.” he says.
“No, you haven’t, Honey.” my mom tells him.
I’ve had enough so I get up and hand my mug to Adele. She looks mad but I know she won’t say anything in front of the parents so I tell myself to ask her later.
The day drags by eerily silent. The sun seems unusually bright outside, shining on the snow. I stay in my room for most of it. Avoiding everyone. I know Jacob is in the house but don’t hear him, nor the parents.
I make it to the kitchen for meals though I just pick at my plate, not hungry. Jacob joins us for dinner, and he’s quiet and listless. I’m not hungry either and just move my broccoli around. My mind is on Caleb, where he is, what he’s doing. Does he talk to Sam, his bartender friend? Does he talk to anyone? He didn’t talk last night either while I rambled and now I’m regretting saying so much. He probably didn’t need to hear all that.
“Do you have homework?” Harry asks Jacob.
He looks up at him and then back down at his plate, not answering.
“Jacob.” Harry exhales.
“I don’t know, maybe.” Jacob finally says.
“Get to it then,” Harry says.
Jacob purses his lips. I find myself staring at him, hungry for a look, a word. These boys have made me weak and I hate myself for needing them. I stand up.
“I think I’m done,” I say and take my dishes to the sink to rinse and put them away. No one remarks.
It’s much later and I’m in my room, working on my desk when Jacob knocks.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say and turn around in the chair to face him. “You okay?”
He shrugs and then spreads out on my bed.
“Is Caleb back?” I steel myself and ask.
Jacob scoffs, “Always him, that’s all anyone cares about.”
“That’s not true,” I say. I get up, close the door, and lie down next to him.
“I’ve been worried about you all day,” I tell him honestly.
He puts his arm around me and squeezes me to his side.
“I fucked up,” he says.
“Eh,” I say, “We’ve all fucked up.”
“He’s so mad.” he says and I don’t think he’s talking about Harry, “But I was jealous. I’ve always been jealous. Everybody wants him. Coach, Dad, even the girls, they get close to me to try for him and when he ignores them they’re like ‘well second string’s better than nothing.’ Even you.” he turns to look at me.
I want to tell him it’s not true but can’t lie.
He lays his hand on my cheek, rubbing softly with his thumb.
“I know lots of girls who want you, my friend Mandy, Avery Stinson,” I say.
He stops and thinks, “Avery Stinson. Caleb’s had her, she’s his throwaway. Everyone is. Are you?”
“I haven’t been with him.”
“Kiss me, Hannah.”
I move back, stunned.
“I want to know.” he says, “Before he does, I want to know if you can feel something for me before he ruins you.”
He’s so sincere and sad that I nod.
He leans in, so slowly, “Don’t think of him.” he whispers, and then his lips are on mine. They are soft and warm. But that’s all I feel. My heartbeat is a little faster, but none of that crazy gallop that exists when Caleb just looks at me. But I tell myself to stop thinking of him. Jacob slides his tongue in and tastes. He pulls back quickly and I’m thankful it was short.
He looks up at the ceiling and I look up at him.
“So?” he asks with a sigh.
“What?” I ask with a nervous chuckle.
He turns to me, “Frankly speaking Little Sister, you taste just like a sister.” he says with a grin.
“Eww!” I say and push him back with a giggle.
He laughs and falls back.