by K R Bicknell
“We’ll straighten your hair, flat, and dark, smoky eyes and pale lipstick and I swear girl, you’ll be fighting them off.”
I didn’t care about fighting them off, I just wanted Caleb, but I didn’t tell her that.
I told the decorators silver and black and loved what they did, with balloons and confetti. They also put strings of fairy lights all the way up high on the walls, dimming the rest of the lights in the house to give a magical effect.
Jacob somehow managed to get most of the guests there before Caleb. Sam had been in charge of keeping him busy before the party. The band was setting up and the rest of the family was off getting ready. Mandy was expected any minute to help me get ready. I felt a strange flutter of nervousness and stepped out on my balcony and tried to take deep breaths to calm my heart. There was no reason to be nervous, I told myself, it was just a party, with enough adults around to handle it if things didn’t go as expected. But I was scared shitless. Caleb was still an unknown variable. Depending on his mood, he could be well mannered and subdued or decide he didn’t need this shit and take off. What would I do, if he hated it? Jacob and his friends would probably continue partying, the band would still play because they would still get paid. The food brought by the caterers would still get eaten. It took a few minutes but I realized that my emotions were too tightly woven with Caleb and his approval of this party. If I didn’t think of him, and just enjoyed the party as a party, I would be fine. I was much calmer when Mandy finally got there. She delivered as promised. After she was done painting and primping me and I squeezed into the new dress, I was just as she had said. I was hot. And sexy. I stood in front of my mirror way too long, playing with my now straight and sleek hair.
“So?” she asked.
“Is it me?” I asked.
“It is so you! and extra!”
“Do you think I can do it, Mandy?” I asked her honestly.
“Do what? Seduce Lane and Caleb?”
“Lane. I’m not thinking about Caleb.”
“Sure, everyone knows rock stars are always horny.”
“Oh God, should I do it?”
“What? Get your cherry popped? Hell yeah!” She exclaimed, and I went out to the party with armor.
Another half an hour and Caleb was at the door. Everyone quieted in preparation for the surprise, though with the lights outside and the cars, he had to have guessed.
I hid behind someone tall. They yelled when he entered. I was still. He looked up and around with a slight smile and then at the crowd eagerly awaiting his reaction.
“Yeah.” He whispered, “Nice!”
People cheered, flashes went off and I had no idea what he meant. He grinned, actually grinned, and hugged Harry, Adele, and then Jacob.
“It was actually Hannah’s idea.” I heard Harry say, “Where is she?”
I stepped back to try and hide. Caleb’s gaze found me though, but he didn’t let on. Just turned and led the rest of them into the living room. The party was loud and cheerful and I drifted aimlessly through the rooms. Arranging events was now my forte but enjoying them? Not so much.
I finally found my way to the great room where the band was playing. I stood watching them with a smile. Lane knew how to en-trance the audience, not only with his voice but his movements, the way he held the mike, the way he swayed, and then swung around to face his bandmates. There was an aura of sex surrounding him and I knew the band would go far. He gestured me on stage and like the other party, I danced and shimmied with him. Yet I was a lot braver and more confident. When he grinned at me with that crooked smile there was a tingle and I decided that I would move on with him. Tonight, I vowed, I would take the step to get over Caleb by sleeping with Lane. I was safe in this house, I had a room, and he was into me. That’s all I needed.
“Two more songs.” He whispered into my ear as I left the stage and I nodded.
I saw Adele in the kitchen and she said we might as well cut the cake because she was done and wanted to go up to her apartment and rest. No one knew where Caleb was, so I decided to go search. When I got to the foyer with still no sign of him I asked one of his basketball buddies if they’d seen him.
“Pretty sure he went upstairs.” The tall, black boy said, “I think, maybe.”
I went upstairs. The hallways were empty. Could he be in his room? Why would he be in his room? I didn’t think but opened the door, calling his name.
“Hey Caleb, they’re calling you to cut the cake!” I yelled.
“A little busy here!” He ground out before freezing.
“Hannah?” The girl with her face buried in his crotch turned around to face me. It was Avery.
I ran out. Ran to my room and shut the door.
My body couldn’t stop shaking but inside I was numb. It was Avery. Avery, my friend. Or someone I thought had been my friend. Didn’t he know? Didn’t she know? Did he do it on purpose because he knew it would hurt me the most?
Why did I hurt?
So fucking much?
I was ready to move on. In fact, I’d decided to. With Lane, he was cute and hot and wanted me. Right after this song. Then why couldn’t I move?
Why was I frozen in my dark room with this shaking body? That burning sensation that had started somewhere in my chest was now consuming all of my flesh? It wasn’t the burn of desire. It didn’t feel like wanting to throw my clothes off and join my body with his. No. The only desire I had now was to take something hard and heavy and bash his face in.
That’s what it took. My brain pictured the bashing in of his face and I collapsed on my floor. I might have screamed. In fact, I think I did. Don’t think anyone could’ve heard over the loud music, though. I might have screamed with anger but I didn’t cry.
C
Fucking Hannah.
I knew she was behind the party before my dad said it.
It’s not like my dad or Jacob to think of anything like this.
She hides from me and I let her.
The party is great though and then I see her flirting with him. Jealousy burns like acid through my veins.
Why can’t she? She doesn’t belong to me, she should go after whomever she wants, right?
Wrong.
I can’t get over it. He can’t touch her.
No.
So when her friend comes on to me, I let her.
I know I don’t want to be in her, not like that, but I’m so mad I figure I’ll let her try.
Then she bursts into my room.
I thought I would enjoy her pain, but I don’t.
I push the slut away and rush downstairs but she’s not there. Everyone is waiting for me to cut the cake. I do, looking for her in the crowd.
Where the fuck is she?
“Where’s Hannah?” I ask her mother.
“I don’t know but she’ll be sorry she missed this, she spent so much time making the cake.” she says and I see Adele nodding.
Shit.
Why Hannah?
H
My eyes were dry when he bursts into my room. With my dry eyes, I had stood back up in the middle of my dark room.
“What the fuck, Hannah.” He said. This time I looked at him coldly.
“What the fuck are you doing? Your mom said you made the cake. Why?” He was grabbing my arms now and shaking me, “What the hell were you expecting?”
“Expecting?” I say, my voice sounds too calm, “I don’t know, maybe to see you smile. Yes, I am that girl! I am that fucking pathetic loser who would do all this just to see you smile again!” Now I am yelling.
“And you! With my friend! She was my friend, Caleb, and what were you doing with her?”
He let go of me and stepped back.
“She was blowing me!” He yelled, “Say it, she had her mouth on my dick.”
“No, she wasn’t blowing you, she was trying!” I yell, not ashamed, “you weren’t hard! And you know why? Because no girl does it for you anymore, you haven’t touched another and even tonight couldn’t ge
t it up because I am in your veins, Caleb! And try as hard as you can, you can’t scrub me out. I know.”
It’s pitch dark in my room but shining in the faint light from outside the french doors I see his chest heaving. From anger or something else. I don’t know, nor do I care. I have said my piece and suddenly I’m drained. But he’s still there so I ask him one last thing.
“Was it good?”
“What? Her?” He rasps.
“No. The cake.”
I see his shoulders move back and his chin rises up slightly.
“The best.” He says.
I nod and leave my room.
Once Wanda told me to control what I can, and leave the rest. This I can control. I can cook, I can clean, I can work.
Boys, men, I've never been able to control, so I do what I can.
I help my mom pack up the cake. She wants to just slide it in the extra fridge but I slice it into thin slivers and pack them individually into little baggies that Adele can put in his lunches. I don’t care if anyone else gets to try it or not.
The mood of the party is different now. It’s more relaxed and chill. I find Lane and taking him by the hand lead him upstairs to my room. He is chatty and talks the whole way there. I wonder if he’s nervous because I’m not anymore. I am still numb and hope he can make me feel something. I also hope he’s carrying condoms because I definitely don’t want to ask the boys.
We walk into my room and I close the door and lean against it.
“So.” He says turning around and facing me with a smile.
“So.” I smile back.
“You’re just as pretty as I remembered.” He says as he walks up and slides a hand behind my neck.
“I actually thought I got prettier.” I say raising my face up.
“Oh yeah.” He says and then his lips are on mine. I open up and let him in. There is that tingle. My hands slide up around his neck.
Oh yes, I can do this. I think.
His lips trail down to my neck.
“Hannah, Hannah!” It’s Mandy’s voice from outside the door, “Are you in here?” She asks, “Harry is calling you. Caleb is drunk.”
“Ignore her.” I whisper to Lane. He does, continuing down my neck.
“Hannah! Come on! He’s lost it, and he’s not listening to anyone.”
“I’m sorry.” I say to Lane and push him back, “I have to do this, I live in their house.”
“Sure.” He says, “Do you want me to come?”
“No.” I say, “You stay here.” I touch his chest, “I’ll be back.”
“Alright!” He smiles.
I run down the stairs. Caleb is outside on the patio. The skies have opened up and it’s pouring rain.
“He won’t come inside.” Harry tells me, “I’m worried he’s going to fall sick.”
I open the french doors, Harry hands me a blanket and I take it and step out. At first, I don’t see him, but then I do. He’s lying on the pavers on the other side of the pool, staring straight up at the sky.
I walk up to him.
“Caleb? What happened?” I ask.
“The stars didn’t come out.” He says, not looking at me, his voice is low and raspy and I’m also worried he’ll catch pneumonia. April rain is not warm.
I kneel down on the wet stones next to him and catching his chin in my hand, turn his face towards me.
“Hey? What happened?”
“I can’t scrub you out.” He tells me. For a minute I have to catch my breath. He hurts, deep inside me.
“Hey!” I say, “What’s the big deal, huh? We fucked. It ended. Get over it.” I repeat his words. “I did. I’m moving on with Lane tonight. I’m gonna sleep with him.”
He looks at me like he just woke up.
“Lane Crissly?” He asks. I nod. “He’s in my room right now, waiting.”
His hand reaches up behind my head and catches my hair in a tight grip and then he pulls my head down till my lips are on his. Caleb doesn’t do anything more, doesn’t take the kiss any farther just holds us like this, our lips against each others’. Sitting in the middle of a spring storm outside in the dark while everyone we know is partying it up in the bright warm house.
Suddenly he turns, lets me go, and attempts to stand up. He is wobbly on his legs but manages, eventually reaching his hand down to me. I take his hand and stand up. Then he bends down again and picks up the blanket I had brought and then dropped. He then proceeds to pull me into the house, through the crowds, and up the stairs. We run into and pass Jacob and Mandy walking up hand in hand.
“Whoa, Brother! What’s the hurry?” Jacob says. I wonder if he and Mandy will talk about us and if I’ll have to apologize to her tomorrow for the secrets I have kept.
Caleb pulls me into my room and then stops. “He’s not here.” He says.
“He probably got tired of waiting.” I tell him.
I turn to look at him, he’s leaning on the back of my door and looks really tired.
“You should get out of those clothes,” I say, “before you get pneumonia or something.”
He grabs the bottom of his shirt and pulls it over his head.
“Okay.” I say, “Might as well take off those pants too.” I say and head off into the bathroom. My pretty new dress is soaking wet and I hope the rain hasn’t ruined it. I change into my sleep clothes hanging on the back of the door.
I come back with a towel. He is sitting on my bed in his boxers. I take the large towel and start rubbing at his head.
He sits docilely and lets me rub.
“Why Caleb? Why outside in the rain? Are you that drunk?”
“I couldn’t find the stars.” he says from under the towel, “I can’t find Orion anymore.”
“It’s much nearer the horizon now.” I tell him, “Since it’s April.”
“Sirius is still there.” He continues.
“Sirius will always be there.” I tell him.
“But you won’t.”
“No.” I say moving down to his neck and then his shoulders.
He stops my hand by placing his on top of it.
“Go.” He says softly, “Find him.”
“And do what, Caleb?” I ask him, “It’s over.”
His thumb is caressing my palm now, my hand still held in his.
“You deserve better.”
“Don’t start that.” I say.
“I fucked up.” he says.
“So did I.” I tell him, “We’re all screwed.”
He smiled at me. Actually smiled at me. I smiled back and rested my lips on his tricep. I leave him there, sitting on my bed, drying his body with my towel.
C
She’s right.
Again.
Who gave her the right to climb inside my brain?
She’s right, I can’t scrub her out, and a part of me doesn’t want to.
I wander back downstairs. She’s in the kitchen being all perfect like she is.
I see her pulling him upstairs. I know what’s going to happen. She’s taking him to her room, and I can’t stop her.
She’s going to live her life without me.
It’s what I wanted, right?
She’s going to fuck, and laugh, and do all the things...
For some stupid reason Dad’s kept some bottles of whiskey out. I grab one and head outside.
It’s cool, and dark. The wild wind blows through me, like I’m a tree. Like Hannah’s hair. I look up at the sky but I can’t find the stars.
What the fuck? She said Sirius would always be there.
She lied.
The bottle is half empty now. Someone calls my name.
I ignore them.
I thought I was all that before her. I was the king of my world, but now I know I’m nothing.
I barely feel the rain when it comes down.
Figures.
Then she’s there like a bright light, and her hands are on my face.
She says she’s gonna sleep with that dick. The one
who doesn’t give a shit about her, and I can’t stop her.
She doesn’t belong to me.
But she’s here, sitting next to me, on her bed, not going to him.
I know I don’t deserve her but if I get a chance....
J
Fuck.
Brother is cool as a cucumber.
It’s a great party, I’m glad I organized it.
I almost lose it when I see Hannah on the stage flirting with Lane Crissly. Dude, the guy’s like in his twenties. He’s gonna pop her cherry like...no wait, the deed’s already been done. So I guess it doesn’t really matter, right? She’s a single girl now, since Brother broke up with her.
Shit.
I want to pull her off stage. I gotta call Brother and show him. He’ll stop her.
Then I see him in the corner watching.
Fuck, Hannah, look what you did to my brother.
I sit on the stairs. I have the pills in my pocket, just in case, thought I wouldn’t need them but this party is going downhill.
“What’s that?” she says, it’s that girl, Mandy, Little Sis’s friend.
“Just a little something, to make this party more fun.” I tell her.
“Really? How does it do that?” she sits down on the step next to me.
“Makes me happy, things don’t hurt.” I say. I know she’s not stupid, but the way she’s looking at me with those dark brown eyes, like she isn’t looking for Brother, but wants to know me.
“Are things hurting now?” she asks.
“Not right now.” I say and tuck it back into my pocket.
“Good, ‘cause I can make this party exciting enough just by myself.”
“Really?” I laugh.
She’s cute.
H
The party has died down, the band has left and there are just some of Jacob’s and Caleb’s teammates hanging around. I stay to help clean up and guide the ones that don’t want rides to the basement to find couches and beds in the guest rooms. Travis and Harry turn off all the outside lights and lock up the house. My mom gives me a tight hug before heading upstairs to her bed and Harry also adds one with a ‘Thank you.’
When I get to my room Caleb is still there, fast asleep covered with my comforter. I get in bed and just stare at him sleeping. He is the most beautiful thing, glowing and innocent like an angel. His dark brows and lashes contrasting with his pale perfect skin. I feel like I can’t catch my breath yet want to breathe him in.