by K R Bicknell
“Eat, and sleep.” Adele says.
“No rest for the wicked.” He says.
“Lord, I know that.” She says, “Eat. Hannah made dinner tonight.”
“I’m not hungry.” He says and tries to leave. I turn and start setting the table.
“Caleb Westlake. I did not raise you to be so rude. Now sit down and eat!” She orders. He sits and eats what she serves him.
Adele pulls me in front of her.
“Now tell Hannah it’s good.” She says.
“Adele, I don’t need his praise.” I say.
He looks up at me and there is something in his eyes again. “She’s right,” he says to Adele, “she doesn’t need anything from me.” He says and leaving his dishes on the counter, leaves the kitchen.
Adele is fuming but I ignore it. I get gushing praise from my mom and Harry and reluctant praise from Jacob. I know my cooking isn’t as good as Adele’s but I know I can get better with practice, so I keep working.
Caleb still joins us for dinner occasionally so I know he eats what I cook, but it’s not his praise I’m looking for, it’s Adele’s.
She doesn’t exactly criticize but makes me taste it before serving and asks me what I think.
“A little more salt?” I ask one day sampling the chicken.
“Uh uh, try again?”
“Tartness?”
“You got it?”
“Lemon juice.”
“Now with chicken, you can do lemon juice or vinegar, perfectly fine, but fish, don’t douse that with vinegar, why?” she asks me as I squeeze a lemon. A handy lemon juicer keeps it from stinging my hands.
“Because fish is a milder flavor.” I answer.
“Right.” she says.
“What about lamb?” I ask.
“Lemon juice and mint go perfect with lamb, you wanna try that tomorrow?”
“Yes, but I don’t want it if it’s too expensive.”
“You don’t worry about that, Harry loves lamb.”
I take a lot of assistance from her with the lamb and it turns out pretty good.
“Pass the lamb.” Caleb asks Jacob, taking seconds that night at dinner.
“Isn’t it good?” My mom gushes, “Hannah made it.”
I look up to catch him looking at me and it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen those golden eyes.
“It’s edible.” he finally says looking down at his plate.
“Jeez, Caleb,” Harry says, “you can be a little more generous with your praise.”
“Oh no, Dad,” Jacob laughs, “That in Brother speak is like kissing her feet.”
Caleb sniffs and keeps eating silently.
“You hear back from colleges yet?” Harry asks.
“I got UVa.” Caleb says.
“Great!” Harry says, “Did you tell them yes?”
“No, I’m waiting for Columbia.”
“UVa is good, you don’t have to go so far.” Harry says.
“Yeah, I do.” Caleb says softly. I know I am the reason but Harry sighs, thinking it’s him.
“Hey, your birthday’s coming up, do you want to throw a party?” Harry asks.
“I don’t think so, Dad.”
“C’mon, you don’t turn eighteen every year!”
“I really don’t want one, Dad.” Caleb says and gets up, “Thanks for dinner, Hannah.” he says monotonously and leaves.
I know that comment wasn’t for me.
“It’s so hard to get him excited about anything these days.” Harry says.
We eat quietly for a bit then I speak up tentatively.
“We could throw him a party.”
“What?”
Jacob looks at me strangely.
“I mean, we could arrange it. Here, at the house, he doesn’t have to know about it.” I say.
“You mean a surprise party?” Harry asks.
“That’s a great idea!” My mom gushes.
“I don’t know, we don’t do stuff like that.” Harry says.
“It’s actually pretty easy,” I say, getting into it, “you hire those decorators you did for Christmas, Jacob can invite all his friends and me, I will bake the cake.”
“Caterers, and music, what type of music does he like?” Harry asks me.
“Harder stuff, alternative, I know the perfect band.” I say.
Harry gets into it, excited now, Jacob is still wary, doing things without his brother’s permission has never turned out well for him.
“Beer?” Harry says.
“Some harder stuff?” I ask.
“He’s turning eighteen, Hannah, not twenty-one.”
“Just to show him you trust him.” I say, knowing he’ll cave.
“A couple of bottles then, and you stay out of it.” he points at Jacob.
Jacob shrugs.
I dream of him that night. His touches, his kisses. I wake up wanting to tear off my clothes and lie in the nude but I know that won’t help. Instead, I go out to the balcony in my blanket. A small pinprick of orange in the dark warns me of his presence. That and the sweet smell of pot. I sit. Neither of us speaks. The stars are all out and bright, and the breeze is balmy, spring finally is here. I lean my head on the side of the chair and fall asleep.
J
Little Sis wants to throw Brother a party.
I wish her best of luck because I don’t know, Brother’s not the best with surprises.
Anyways I’m looking forward to it, and she actually looks happy again.
C
Orion still burns bright every night. Looking at Sirius.
I fucked a girl. Went to Sam’s the other night and I was restless. There was this brunette giving me the eye from the other side of the bar. Sam gave me a look as I walked her to the back hallway, he knows about Hannah.
But I don’t want to think about her.
I don’t even wait to take her to the closet. Just took her in the hallway. I think she says wait, or something, but I’m already too hard and I don’t.
When I push into her she moans loudly and I almost lose it. I just freeze and breathe.
“What’s the matter?” the stranger says.
“I don’t want you.” I manage to gasp out.
“Well you’ve got me now, so are you just gonna stop?”
I don’t. I make sure she comes and then pull out and tucking myself back in walk out of the bar.
I’m still hard.
I sit in my car for a long time in the cold, getting my breath back in my control.
Fucking shit, Hannah!
What has she done too me?
I don’t even try with another girl after that time.
Percy puts me in a fight. I walk into that old warehouse with him. The crowd is crazy loud and it almost feels like one of our games. But this crowd is wilder and dirtier. The other guy is a regular and everyone is cheering for him. But I’m not here for the fame. I want to feel something. His first punches I’m good with blocking, I move fast like Percy taught me. Then he lands one into my ribs. I lose my breath, but the pain, the pain feels good. After that I don’t block as well. I want to feel the pain. The burn feels good. The other guy fights like a pro and I let him take me down, enjoying the pain. The crowd boos and hisses. Percy stands in the corner, his huge arms folded, and looks worried, like he wants to pull me out.
I’m lying on that hard cement floor. Breathing hurts, every fucking part of me hurts. The bright lights way above me burn my eyes. Someone is calling my name.
It’s Percy.
“Caleb!” he shouts, “Think of why you’re here! Think of Hannah, her dad! That man put his hands on her! Our little girl!”
Rage is burning through my veins again and I jump up. The other guy looks shocked as I pound into him. Nothing slows me down. He’s down and I still keep going until Percy pulls me off. The crowd is going nuts, and I feel alive again.
The buzz of the applause is racing through my veins.
I don’t feel the pain again till much lat
er. Percy helps me. I’m in his gym again and he tapes my ribs, then hands me a wet rag so I can wipe up the blood. I lean back on the couch and look up at the ceiling.
He hands me some cash, it’s more than two grand.
“Your winnings.” Percy says.
“I don’t need this.” I say.
“Take it.” He says, “It’s not about what you need, it’s what you deserve.”
I take it.
“Feel better?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“Is Hannah going to eviscerate me?” he asks.
“We’re not together.” I say, still looking at the ceiling.
He sits down next to me.
“You were her first, right?” he asks seriously.
I look at him.
“That girl doesn’t trust men, you know that right?”
I take a painful breath, “Do you know his name?” I ask him.
He frowns at me for a minute, then stands up and pulls out his wallet from his back pocket.
He pulls out a slip of paper and reads it.
“Jake Eversley.”
Shit.
“Fuck.” I say.
“I knew him.” I tell him, “He moved away last year, like to Ohio or something.”
“She doesn’t need you to fight her battles, you know.” he tells me.
“She doesn’t need me at all.” I say.
“No she doesn’t. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and become the one she wants.” he says.
I think about what he said as I drove home. Everything hurts now and all I want to do is to sink into her softness, let her feathery fingers soothe me.
It’s dark, every one is asleep at the house. I sit outside on the balcony and let the cool breeze and a joint ease the pain.
Or maybe it’s her presence.
I feel her before I see her.
I can see her outline in the chair, she’s wrapped in a blanket and looking towards the sky.
The stars pinch, they burn so bright.
There’s a thousand things going through my brain that I want to tell her.
But I don’t, not because I want to hurt her but because I want to keep away.
One day she’ll forget about me.
One day she’ll stop looking for me in every room, in the hallways.
Maybe she’ll stop hurting then.
When she falls asleep, I tuck her in bed, but keep her door open in case she’s dreaming of the stars.
H
I wake up in my bed, tucked in nice and warm with door open and cool morning breeze wafting over me.
“You’re such a sourpuss these days.” Mandy says the next day at school, “I know something happened at spring break and I thought to give you time, you’ll tell me eventually but you won’t and I can’t tell why you’re always in a bad mood.”
I look towards the cafeteria doors, where we are headed.
“Let’s go somewhere else. How about I treat you to Dunkin donuts?”
“Ooh, we haven’t done that in forever. Yes, let’s!”
Dunkin Donuts is catty-corner from the school and I have a tiny bit of doubt that Travis won’t be happy, but with all the high school crowds, I feel safe.
After we get our sandwiches and sit, I tell Mandy about my dad, and how he grabbed me outside the diner.
“Oh shit! What happened?”
“Caleb came and beat him up.” I tell her, “We complained to the cops, and Harry’s lawyer was there and everything. He’s got a trial in two weeks and then hopefully he gets put away again, but till then, I don’t know.”
“Is that why you quit your job?”
“I didn’t quit it but, yeah. Harry thought it would be safer if I didn’t work.”
“Oh my god, yeah! What do you think he wants from you?”
I know but I don’t want to tell her so I just stare at my food.
“I’m sorry, that doesn’t matter, this is just, it’s so scary. Too much.” She says touching my hand, “Never mind. Let’s talk about something else.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“I really had no clue it was something so huge.”
“Yeah, I don’t want anyone to know.”
“I won’t tell.” she says.
I nod.
“Okay, change of subject, what’s the deal between you and Caleb Westlake?”
I look at her.
“I mean I knew you two didn’t like each other but I thought you’d get better like living together and all, but it’s worse.”
I lean over the table and whisper, “Sexual tension.”
“Seriously?” her eyes almost pop out of her head.
I nod.
“He wants me and I want him but neither of us wants to admit it.” I don’t want to tell her about the cabin and figure this is the best way, to tell half the truth.
“I don’t believe it.” she says finally, “I mean that boy can have any girl in this school and has had all the pretty ones, even college girls and you’re pretty and all but..”
“Jacob says I’m hot. Sexy even.” I say.
“Yeah, well Jacob, he’s a flirt, he’ll say anything. Prove it.”
“What?”
“Yeah, prove it. I want to see him lust after you.”
“I can’t...okay, I know.” I stand up and throw away my trash. “Come with me.” I say.
Lunch period is almost over so I grab my algebra books and take her down that hallway.
“See?” I whisper when we pass him.
“So he stares, it could just be a hateful stare.” she whispers back. “I know. Drop your book.” she says.
“What?” I say.
“Drop your book and then bend over to pick it up.” she says and knocks my book out of my hands.
It’s weird and campy but since it’s only us in the hallway I do as she says. I’m wearing a short denim skirt today, and as I grab my book from the floor I can feel his gaze. I burn up as I stand. My skin feverish and wish Mandy wasn’t here. I wish it was only the two of us, but have no clue what I would’ve done next if that were true.
“Oh my god!” she whispered, “That gaze lingered like anything! You okay?”
“No.” I say walking away from him.
“Damn girl! Math class is gonna be fun.”
It wasn’t but luckily quadratic equations are great for cooling down the libido.
I got busy planning the party.
“What’s Caleb's favorite type of cake?” I ask Adele the next day in the kitchen.
“His favorite cake, you’re gonna bake him a cake?” she asks as her strong arms mash the potatoes.
“Yes I am, I can unless you think I can’t.” I say suddenly unsure.
“Of course you can! But why? You sure you aren’t doing it to turn his gaze to your side again?”
“No, of course not!” I say as I toss the salad.
“Sure! You stop lying to me and I’ll tell you.” she says.
I sigh, “I don’t know, Adele. I just want to make him happy, I want to make him smile again. It’s been forever...”
“Yeah, I know. Okay, I’ll help you.”
“Thank you!” I smile.
Apparently, his favorite is a sponge cake and Adele says it’s easy enough for me to do on my own. She orders Italian food from the caterers including cannolis. Jacob sends a mysterious text to the whole senior class and the basketball team, telling them of a party but not the reason and saying that the venue is TBA.
I want to book Moshing Twins and get Lane’s number from Molsky. I am really nervous about calling Lane. I barely know the guy, and this is not something for my school committee. It’s more personal.
“Hey,” I say when he picks up the phone, “My name is Hannah. You probably don’t remember me but I met you at a party you played at on New Year’s Eve. The Westlake House?”
“Hannah,” he muses, “The redhead?”
“Yeah.” I breathe, surprised.
“Yeah, I rememb
er.”
“Um yeah, so anyways I’m planning another party, same place. April 10th, would you be available? I mean to play. Um with your band.” I’m just a little nervous.
“Yeah, I got that. April 10th, huh? It pay the same?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”
“Sick house. One question though, will I get to hang with you after the gig?”
“Um, maybe.” I say.
“Maybe. Okay, we’re available.”
“Don’t you have to ask your bandmates?” I ask.
“Nope, they like any paying gig.”
“Well, that’s smart, we all need money.” I say.
“Yeah, we’re skint till summer.”
“What happens in the summer?” I ask.
“Tour, pretty much all over the East coast.”
“Nice!” I say, “The big time!”
“Hope so, won’t believe it until I see it.”
“I know what you mean.”
“Do you?”
It’s easy to talk to him. He comes from the same part of town and understands struggling to make ends meet. I’m surprised when I hang up to find that half an hour has passed.
Mandy flips when I tell her.
“OMG, that’s perfect!”
“What is?”
“He’s older, a rockstar, and into you, the perfect guy to get Caleb’s attention.”
“Why would he want Caleb’s attention?”
“Not him, you! Flirt with Lane, make Caleb jealous.”
I didn’t get it but then I remembered the last time I had flirted with Lane. Was it worth making Caleb angry to get his attention? Right now I was hungry to see any type of emotion from him. Anything other than that cold disdain.
Chapter 9
Mandy took me shopping before the party. I protested saying that I didn’t need a new outfit, but she decided that nothing in my closet was sexy enough to seduce not one but two guys that night.
“Okay, but I don’t want to look slutty, the parents will be there.” I tell her as we sift through the thrift store racks.
“There is a big difference between slutty and sexy, Babe, let me show you.”
She finally approved a tight, sleeveless dress that had a black skirt at the bottom and soft flowy white fabric over the chest. It also showed a teeny-tiny bit of cleavage.
“Perfect.” Mandy declared.
I pictured Caleb seeing me in it and I was sold.