by K R Bicknell
I tell Adele.
She shakes her head, “Why?” She asks, frowning.
“Because I have to.” I say.
“Mr. Harry will come around.”
“Maybe he will but this is not my place, Adele, this is his, and I can’t live here fearing the day he gets mad at me again or if Caleb tires of me. I need a place of my own. I need you to understand.”
“I understand.” She says, “I understand having your own thing but right now? You’ll leave right now so that boy comes home to a house without you?”
“If I wait till he comes home, I won’t be able to leave and then I’ll hate myself.” I tell her.
She gets it. She cries, holds me tight, but she gets it.
I don’t go back to school. I talk to Principal Jackson and convince him to let me finish out the year online and get my GED that way.
Mandy is upset that I’m not coming back to school but I talk to her often and she’s been seeing Jacob regularly and I believe they’ll both be fine.
I drive up to the house every morning with my mother. We clean, scrub out the place, lay mouse traps.
The house itself is not large. There is a great room with a fireplace and a wood stove. There is also electricity and indoor plumbing. A small bathroom tucked into the corner. Turns out I won’t be needing the outhouse at all. On one side is the kitchen with an open loft above it and a ladder that goes up to it.
There are two windows in the back, facing the woods, including one up in the loft and I decide that is where I’ll sleep. There are also two windows in the front, one that opens onto the porch and another in the kitchen. The shack down the road is just a storage area. I think if I can get someone to widen the door, I may be able to fit my car in there in the winter. I love my place. It’s cozy and secluded and there is wildlife all around. My mother doesn’t really like it but she helps me clean and make it habitable.
After two days of hard work, I ask Travis to bring the furniture we had stored in their garage when we moved in. There is a small card table with two chairs for the kitchen, my futon and an armchair, and a small bookshelf. My mother’s bed frame I leave behind, just taking the mattress. I plan to put it in the loft.
My mother agrees to move in with me since Harry still isn’t talking to her. Mr. Wordsworth turns over the deed and everything is done. Then I go to the hospital and do the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Caleb is in a private room now. He’s breathing on his own, though they are still pumping him with antibiotics. He lost a lot of blood and they want him stronger before they allow him to go home.
“Surprised you remembered me.” He says cynically when I walk in.
I know he’s not happy, I haven’t seen him since that day in the ICU and my responses to his texts have been short and impersonal.
I reach for his hand but he pulls it away. I wonder if Jacob or Harry have said something.
“How are you?” I ask him.
“Alive.” He says.
I sit on the side of his bed and look at him.
“Caleb, I...”
“Don’t.” He shuts me up with a word.
His hand trails down my braid over my shoulder and one breast.
“Hannah fucking Johnson.” He says softly.
“Caleb.”
His hand grabs my thigh and then travels to my hand to grasp it tightly.
“You’re not breaking up with me.”
I bite my lip.
“And you’re not biting that lip when I can’t, when you won’t....” he looks away.
“I have to go.” I whisper.
“You’re a fucking bitch.” He says.
“Okay.” I say.
“You do this when I’m here, when I can’t come after you?”
“No, that’s not why...”
“That’s exactly why, my dad told me he kicked you out, but he has no right, he can’t kick you out of my house, that’s my house, that’s my room, my fucking body!” He yells then stops to catch his breath.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” I say.
“Yeah, you do.” He says, “you take your body away, you take those lips away, you take fucking Sirius away and what do you think I’m gonna do?”
“You’re going to Columbia.” I say.
“How do you know?”
“I know. I know because that’s where you belong, and I belong somewhere, somewhere that’s not your dad’s house.”
He leans his head back and looks up at the ceiling and doesn’t talk.
His hand is still holding mine.
“Do you remember the party?” He says.
“Which one?”
“My birthday.”
“Yeah.” I say, knowing I’ll never forget.
“That’s when I realized.”
“What?” I said, not sure if I can hear what he has to say.
“It.” He says digging his thumbnail into my nailbed. I let him, I want to feel the pain.
“I hurt when you hurt.” He says, releasing my thumb.
I breathe, tears are running down my face now and I don’t wipe them away.
“I hate you.” He finally says and I stand up and step back.
“You gonna scrub me off?” He asks, I shake my head.
“I’m gonna scrub you out.” He says and looks up at the ceiling again.
I walk out. The pain in my chest is agonizing, the hole in my heart bigger than it’s ever been but I don’t want to fill it. I want to remember.
C
I haven't seen her in three days.
They move me into a private room. My dad says it's the biggest one they have because, you know, Westlake money, but it still feels too small. I feel suffocated.
It's because I can't talk to her.
She doesn't answer my texts. Jacob says she's alright but he's hiding something too.
The little shit.
Since when did he start lying to me?
Since Hannah.
My dad says he asked them to leave. Her and her mother.
I don't blow up. I'm cold.
"I was hurting!" he tries to explain himself, "I couldn't keep you safe, you wouldn't be here, in this hospital if it wasn't for them."
That's not their fault. It's his, and I tell him that.
They'll be okay, he says, "They're moving into her grandfather's house."
What the fuck?
Where's this grandfather been all this time?
I know she won't come back.
But she does. Has to do things the fucking proper way.
I know what she's come to say so I'm not nice.
My chest hurts worse than the day I was shot.
I wonder if I can ask the nurse to up my painkillers.
I tell her I'm gonna scrub her out just to make her hurt.
Those tears look fucking awesome on her face.
What I don't tell her is that it'll take deep invasive surgery to take her out of me. They'll have to remove all my organs and she'll still be there.
She is mine.
I am weak right now so I can't stop the tears from flowing after she leaves.
But I'll get strong again.
I still have my plan.
All my future plans have her in them.
So she wants to leave, let her.
She's still mine, and I'll get her back.
H
I go back to the Westlake house. My stuff is already out, my mom is in my house in the mountains but I have one more goodbye.
I walk into the upstairs lounge. He puts down the game controller and straightens up on the couch.
“You told Brother.” he says, not looking at me.
“He told you?” I ask, still standing awkwardly next to the couch.
“No, threw some things at a nurse, tore out an IV.”
I frowned.
“He’s okay.” he reassures me, “As okay as he can be, he’s a tough motherfucker.”
“I know.”
“Why?” he looks at
me, “Because of Dad?”
“Caleb and I...” I start saying.
“Caleb, it’s always Caleb, what about me? You give a shit about me, Little sister?”
“Of course, I do, that’s why I’m here.” I say.
“Yeah? I get my own goodbye? Makes me feel so fucking special.” he says sarcastically.
“Jacob, please!”
“What?” he stands up, “You’re a fucking liar, you said you loved me.”
“I do.” I grab him around the waist, “More than anything.” I say as I rest my forehead on his chest.
“More than Brother?” he asks, putting his arms around me gently.
“In a completely different way.” I tilt my head up to smile at him.
“That’s why you’re leaving, if you were fucking me you’d have no reason to leave.”
“And you wouldn’t have a chance in hell with Mandy.”
“Hmm.” he said and bent down to place his lips lightly on mine.
“You broke my brother.” he said.
“I’m sorry about that, do you think he’ll ever forgive me?” I asked.
He sighed, “I know he won’t forget you.”
“I’ll take that.” I said and stepped back.
“You gonna be okay?” he asked as I leave the room.
I nodded, “I think so.”
“Call me if you need a hug.”
“I will.”
The hole in my heart is gaping when my mom and I drive out of Charlottesville. It’s so much easier to leave a place when you are not attached. I was leaving everyone I had ever allowed myself to love, Mandy, Wanda, Percy. We were only two hours away, I told them I would visit but I knew it would be rare.
J
She comes to see me before leaving.
I knew Brother was going to lose it when she told him, that's why I wasn't there.
I'll go see him tomorrow.
He'll be okay.
I kiss her lips, ignoring her words, I want to do more. I want to fuck her so hard she can't leave.
But I won't.
She's Brother's.
Anyways, her friend Mandy. I've been spending time with her. Sometimes I bring her to my room. We lie on my bed and talk. I touch her face, her neck, her arms. She doesn't let me touch her anywhere else.
"Soon." she says.
I hope it's soon but I'm okay if it's not, I've got time.
Hannah, Little Sister, thinks she's leaving.
She forgets she belongs to us.
The Westlake boys don't let go.
We always win.
H
We settled into the house. It was a bit unnerving at first, certain areas of the driveway still made my heart beat erratically when I passed them but soon I became immune. My first night, sleeping on the mattress with my mother was tough. Even though I had installed a deadbolt and a bar across the door, the noises from outside were unfamiliar. I lay awake, logically identifying every sound. That was a bird, that one probably a raccoon, were there coyotes howling in the distance? Maybe, but they were far enough. Eventually, I succumbed to when I dream of warm hands on my skin and soft lips. We woke up half frozen and I made a decision to keep the stove lit throughout the night, except maybe in the summer. I would have to plan for a regular supply of firewood in my budget.
The small town of Piney River was a half an hour drive and had a small grocery store and a diner, I applied at both places. The owner of the diner was a tough old lady, mean and crabby, but she was fair and gave me a job. I had a regular source of income now, though the tips were less out here, and something to keep me busy. I was content, satisfied with my life. Happiness? Well, Orion was still somewhere, though I couldn’t see him anymore and I liked to believe that one day happiness would find its way back to me.
Two weeks after we moved in, I stepped outside to see a black Escalade make its way up the dirt road. My heart stopped beating in my chest, the horror of the last time I saw this vehicle on this road too fresh. It stopped and Harry stepped out.
“Hello, Hannah.” He said upon seeing me step down from the porch.
I nod, not smiling.
“How’ve you been?” He asked.
“We’re okay.” I said.
“The boys miss you.”
I inhale, that sharp spike still poking through my heart.
“They’re good?” I finally ask.
“Yes, except they’re not talking to me, not that I blame them.”
It’s too much and I’m not ready.
“Why are you here, Harry?”
“I want to, I need to speak to Abigail, is she here?”
“She’s inside.” I tell him.
He looks up at the cabin and actually looks nervous, “Think she’ll forgive me?
I shrug as I unlock my car.
As I drive away I see him nervously climb up the porch steps.
The Escalade is still there when I get home from work. I hope they didn't have sex on my mattress, the laundromat is too far.
I enter the cabin and am relieved to smell dinner.
Mother is flitting around the kitchen blushing and Harry sits in the armchair.
'"We were just waiting for you." Harry says when he sees me.
"So when do you leave?" I ask my mother.
She frowns at me.
"We were hoping you were coming with." Harry says.
"Baby, please don't say you want to stay here." My mom pleads.
"No." I shake my head as I put down my bag and hang my coat., "I'm not coming."
"Caleb misses you." Harry says.
I blink and look away, I will not be manipulated.
"So does Jacob, my boys won't talk to me."
"And you want me to fix that?" I ask him, "You want them to talk to you? You need to start talking to them, and not just about what they're doing wrong." I say and sit at the table with an exhale.
"See, that's why I need you." Harry says.
"Baby don't say you're going to live here by yourself, there's no one around, for miles." My mother says as she joins me at the small table.
"Percy gave me a gun." I remind her.
"What happens if you get sick, or fall down?" Harry asks.
"I'll call Mom, or Jacob, I have his number." I don't say Caleb, I don't think I can.
Mom and Harry try to convince me all through dinner but I am stubborn. I need to do this, I need to see this through, to know that I can make it on my own.
Harry asks but doesn’t beg, eventually conceding to my wish. Mother hugs me repeatedly and cries that she’ll be so worried about me. I reassure her that I have cell service and will call her every night. After they leave, I sit on the porch for a long time. Solitude is finally starting to feel good. I find that I like being alone with only the stars and the woods for company.
C
She doesn’t come back with her mother.
I didn’t expect her to yet for some reason I’m downstairs that evening, my eyes on the door.
What I don’t get is how her mother could leave her there by herself.
That girl was always too fucking independent.
The next day after school I find myself on roads I travelled just three weeks ago.
I don’t feel anything when I drive up the dirt road, no PTSD, just a mild excitement.
I know she’s not there when I get out of the car. Tire marks are prominent where her car was parked in the night. Jacob told me about the little weak ass import she had bought.
I walk up the porch steps, someone has been sanding it. Probably by hand.
I check the door, it feels secure.
The area doesn’t feel unsafe, there’s dense woods around.
I’ll let her play house by herself for a while but a plan takes shape in my brain.
I’ll be back. I tell myself as I leave.
Next week I go back to school.
Harry says I don’t have to, the teachers understand, they’ll give me my diploma regardless. But I do it for myself,
I want to feel like myself again, I want to feel normal.
It’s good to be amongst people. Girls crowd around me with sorry ass faces, wanting to comfort me.
“It’s okay if you can’t have sex yet,” a blonde says, “I can still make you feel good.”
I can’t help but scoff. No she can’t. Not like she thinks.
I’m not turning into a monk, I know I’ll have sex again. But not yet.
The guys are all great, except for a couple and now I know who my true friends are.
Exams are coming up and it’s good to get back into the grind as I still am not allowed to return to work.
Prom signs are everywhere and I wonder who Mrs Crenshaw has decorating now. A couple of girls ask me to the dance. I refuse. I don’t need that now.
The girl I want doesn’t need to dance under fake stars, she’s got the real ones.
One day after school, I see Jacob talking to Donny in the parking lot.
I walk up to them slowly.
“Hey Caleb!” Donny turns to me, “Jake and I were just catching up for old times sake.” he extends a hand. I don’t take it.
“Leave.” I say.
I turn to Jacob. He’s not looking at me.
I extend my hand. He pulls out the baggie from his jeans and puts it into my hand.
“You don’t get it.” he says, “Everything hurts since she left.”
“Don’t put this on her.” I say coolly, “You’re not the only one she left.”
“Yeah, but you’re so much stronger.” he says.
I don’t know what to say.
He purses his lips in that way that was so cute when he was little. But he’s not little anymore, and hasn’t been for a long time.
“I’m not going to hit you.” I say with an exhale, “Not because I can’t, I can still take you down with a punch and you know that.”
“I took it too far.” I finally say, knowing that it never helped.
“Hand me your phone.” I say to him. He hands it over.
In his contacts, under Donny’s name I put my number and then Hannah’s, as an alternative.
“From now on, whenever it gets to be too much, you call me, or her. Something has to take away the pain.”
He sniffs and wipes under his eyes.
“You think she ever thinks of me?” he asks.
“Who, Hannah?” I ask.
“No. Mom.” he says.