by Jen Talty
“It was a hard day and I was just trying to do what Dad asked.” Dylan bit back a sob that bellowed from his gut.
“Over the years, I saw that light every once in a while. The day I dropped you off at West Point, I saw it. The first time you got to work with Ramey in the Army, I saw it. I even saw it the first time you held your nieces and nephews. I saw it yesterday when you told me what the doctor said, and that’s more why I got mad because I knew, even though your heart wants to care more about Kinsley, you’re never going to love a woman. I thought you were just fumbling around like Logan and Ramey, believing that someday, a woman was going to knock you on your ass. I worried that Nick would never allow himself to love again, but at least I knew he was capable.”
Dylan yanked his hands free. “You’re saying I’m not capable of loving someone? That I’m cold-hearted?”
His mother nodded. “I have to accept that about you because I want to see that light shine again, and if the only thing that will give that to you is Delta Force, then so be it.”
“You’re wrong, Mom.”
“Am I?” she asked with an arched brow.
“I’ll give you that I love what I do. I’ll even agree that I don’t know how to deal with emotional crap, so I just push it aside. But I most definitely am capable of loving a woman. I just don’t want to right now.”
His mother wiped her tears. “Do you think Ramey wanted to fall in love when he was happy flying crazy fast and upside down in planes that were probably going to crash half the time? He wasn’t prepared for Tequila, but he at least opened his heart. If you walk away from every girl you meet because you don’t want to find out if she’ll mean at least as much to you as Delta Force, then you will never be capable of loving.”
“That’s fucking harsh, Mom.”
“Don’t swear in my house, and I call them like I see them.”
“I’m sorry for the language, but I’ve got a question for you. Why haven’t you given another man a chance? Are you going to mourn Dad forever?”
“If you hadn’t been beaten so badly, I’d be slapping your face right now, young man.” She reached up and tugged at his ear, which was worse than being slapped. “Of course, I’m going to mourn him forever. Just like Nick will always have Joanne in his heart, even though he’s with Leandra now and loves her with all his heart and soul. For years, I didn’t date because it’s not easy raising boys all by yourself. Granted, only two of you were home, but still. And the few times I’ve dated, which I have, but you wouldn’t know because you’re only home for a couple of days at a time, I just didn’t feel much but a sort of kind affection for them. It’s not that I don’t want to find another man to share my life with, it’s that I haven’t found him yet. But damn it, at least I’m open to it. You, on the other hand, won’t even give it a try because you’re too afraid it’s going to hurt. You can endure all sorts of physical pain, but emotional? Nope. You won’t go there. Well, guess what? Loving someone always hurts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out for the day.” She released his ear. “You’re on your own for dinner.”
He stood in the middle of the family room while his mother stormed off, slamming the door shut behind her.
His chest tightened. He couldn’t let her leave like that.
Limping out of the house and toward the carport, he managed to reach his mom before she got in her car. “Mom, wait,” he said, sucking in a deep breath. “Please, don’t leave like this.”
She tossed her purse across the driver’s seat. “I didn’t mean to be so brutal.”
“It’s okay.” He pulled her in for a hug. “I don’t know how to process all this, but I love you, and I can’t stand that I’ve hurt you or that you worry so much.”
“When you’re a mother, you always worry. No matter how old your kids get. It’s part of the deal.” She lifted her chin, glancing up at him. “You’ve been through hell and back. I just want you happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I know. Do you mind if I take off for a couple of days? I thought I’d go camping and really think about what you said. What Kinsley said.”
“You’re a grown man. You don’t need my permission. Just promise me, this isn’t you running, but you dealing with what’s going on in here.” She pressed her hand on the center of his chest.
“I’m not running, I promise. I’ll text you throughout the next couple of days.”
She patted his cheek. “You’re good man, Dylan. A bit broken maybe, but you’re a keeper.”
He was glad his mother thought so, but he wasn’t so sure. He glanced over his shoulder to see Kinsley get into her car. He waved but got no response. He tried to get her to stop, but she drove the other direction and out the other gate.
He owed her an apology, big time.
Chapter 13
Dylan rolled the Jeep to a stop in the street in front of his mother’s house right behind his brother Ramey’s SUV. Dylan ended up camping until Thursday, a few more days longer than he’d originally planned.
But he needed to be left alone with nothing but his thoughts.
And dreams.
And private tears.
And journals.
He’d written so much it hurt his hand, but when he read the words, it made his heart hurt.
Actually, it crushed what was left of it.
Dylan had no idea what love felt like, but he knew what it looked like, and when he saw Kinsley or even thought about her, it reminded him of his parents and his brothers, and that freaked him right the fuck out.
He noticed Kinsley’s car wasn’t in the driveway. It was only five in the evening, so she was probably still at work. He only wished she would have called him back, or at least texted him about his apology.
The front of his mother’s house crashed open.
“Uncle Baby Dyl!” Kayla shouted as she grabbed hold of the railing with her chubby, little hands, her mother, Tequila, trying to guide her, but Kayla was a Sarich through and through and no way did she need any help, even if that meant crash-landing on her pretty little face. Her blonde curls bounced with each step she took. Once she hit the sidewalk, she was off and running, hands flapping at her sides, her body zig-zagging like a drunk sailor.
Dylan kneeled down with his arms wide open.
“Be careful, Kayla. Remember your uncle has some pretty bad boo-boos,” Tequila said, leaning against the stairs.
“You tell that husband of yours he’s going to have some boo-boos if he keeps telling this one to call me Baby Dyl.”
Kayla leapt into his arms, smashing against his sore rib, but he didn’t care. He held his niece close, smelling her honeysuckle baby shampoo. “But Daddy says you like it when I call you that.”
“I’d rather you call me Uncle Dylan,” he whispered into her ear, kissing her plump cheek.
She pulled her head back, cupping his face with her hands and smacking her lips against his. “I’m gonna be a big sister!”
“So I’ve heard. Do me a favor and never call your little brother or sister, baby anything, okay?”
“Okay.” Kayla wiggled and kicked her feet. “Mommy said I could ride my Jeep around the block.”
“Sounds like a blast! Where is your dad?”
“I’m right here,” Ramey said, stepping around the side of the house, pushing a brand-new motorized toy Jeep. “She wants to drive monster trucks this week.”
“I’m gonna be the best one ever!” She scrunched up her face as Dylan set her down. “I’m gonna smash up and drive over all the other rucks!”
Dylan laughed.
“You set that sucker to l-o-w?” Tequila asked.
“Oh yeah, especially because she d-r-i-v-e-s like her mother,” Ramey said.
“Hey, you crashed more planes in your career than I did.” Tequila followed Kayla as she pulled the Jeep onto the street.
“Um, hello. I was in the Army longer and was a test pilot longer, so I think—”
“Is everything a contest with you two?” Dylan
slapped his brother on the back.
“Keeps things interesting,” Ramey said. “Let’s get a beer before everyone else shows up.”
“They are all coming here? Damn, this house can’t handle eight adults and five kids.”
“We’re just meeting here and then walking over to Harbor Village. We rented the big pontiki boat, which might be worse with five kids under the age of three, but there will be beer and wine. Lots of beer and wine.”
Dylan laughed.
“You look a lot better, bro.”
“I’m feeling a lot better.” Though quite confused about life, love, career, and everything in between. Dylan was glad to have a few moments alone with Ramey. While he was close to all his brothers, he and Ramey shared a room growing up and since Ramey was only two years older, their years at West Point crossed over by two. Dylan sat in the rocker on the front porch and accepted the beer his brother handed him. He’d been the only one, except their mom, that had known about the woman Ramey had given his heart to and then left him standing at the altar.
Something they almost never talked about.
“How are the nightmares?”
“I’ll be dreaming about the men who died on my watch I’m sure for years, but I did get to the heart of why they were shaking my confidence so much.”
“Yeah, and what’s that?”
Dylan took a swig of his beer before looking his brother square in the eye. “Dad.”
Ramey’s eyes went wide. “How so?”
“Well, it’s more than Dad, but it starts there and how I internalized everything that happened. Like I was supposed to be the strong one. Make sure you all knew Dad’s dying words, and sometimes I felt like you, Logan, and Nick resented me for it.”
“We did. We also hated that you had to be the one to be with him, alone.”
“That’s the key word. Alone.” Dylan glanced in the direction of Kinsley’s house. Kayla had made her way one driveway down, so it seemed like he was looking at her, not wondering where Kinsley was.
“You were never alone.”
“One for all, and all for one,” Dylan said with a laugh. “I know that. But I felt alone. Logan off at college then the Army. Nick married, then he joined the military. You went to West Point. It was just me and Mom, and I could hear her cry every night, and I couldn’t do anything to make it go away, and Dad had me promise we’d take care of Mom.”
“We all have,” Ramey said, reaching over, resting his hand on Dylan’s shoulder. “And I was a shit brother to you when you came to West Point.”
“Yeah, you were.” Dylan laughed. “Of course, I was a plebe, so you had to be.”
“But I was also a tad jealous of you.”
Dylan cocked his head. “How so?”
“Jesus, you have to ask? You got a perfect score on everything. Smartest kid in that entire place. I made it on being a wiseass, and some people took to that.”
“You had no fear, that helped.”
Ramey laughed, nodding, but then his face turned serious. “I know you, and something is on your mind, what is it?”
“I thought my dreams were all about this last mission. Ramey, it was bad. I shouldn’t tell you this, but I had men dying in my arms, begging me to give their loved ones messages.”
“Fuck me,” Ramey mumbled. “Just like Dad.”
“It certainly brought all that up again.”
“You never let it out, Dylan. Once I pulled you off Dad, you became a walking zombie. We all waited for you to fall apart. Logan thought it would be at Dad’s funeral. Nick and I figured you’d do it in private. You were always so reserved, even before Dad died. But have you ever really let yourself mourn Dad?”
Dylan didn’t mean to laugh, but he found the comment funny considering his conversation with his mother. “I haven’t. Not really. I think somewhere in my mind and heart, I thought if I fell apart again, then I’d somehow lose him or something. I’ve had a lot of weird dreams about Dad over the years, but in the Army—in Delta Force—it’s allowed me to stay numb and yet alive at the same time.”
“Oh, bro, I know that feeling. As fucked up as this will sound, the first test plane that I had to crash-land made me feel like that last day we all went fishing.”
“Exactly,” Dylan whispered.
“But trust me when I tell you, that’s not the same feeling at all. I know we all are adrenaline junkies. Dad was too. But what I felt when I pushed the limits wasn’t really what we all felt that day. Loving Tequila and being a dad, that’s brought me back to that day, and every day of my childhood. That’s the kind of rush a man can live on forever.”
“Mom doesn’t think I’m capable of loving anyone,” Dylan blurted out.
“She actually said that?” Ramey held his beer up with his mouth gaping open. “I thought she was going to try to push the sexy doctor next door on you.”
“She didn’t have to push too hard for something to happen.”
“Damn, you know we work with her father.” Ramey leaned back in his chair, nursing his beer, staring out over the water.
“So I’ve heard.” Dylan heard Kayla’s laughter echo off the water as she raced her little Jeep down the street. Sweetest noise ever. “I really fucked that up.”
“What do you mean?”
“Last time I saw Kinsley, she told me to get the fuck out of her house and not to come back.”
“Ouch. What did you do?”
“I pulled a Ramey,” Dylan said, raising his longneck.
“You stupid little shit. I was so angry at women for so long, I really knew how to hurt them. Why the hell would you do that? You’ve never been dumped by someone you really cared about…holy shit. You care about her, don’t you?”
“And here, you thought I was the smart one,” Dylan said with a smirk.
“I’ll be hog-tied. Baby Dyl is in love.”
“Goddamnit, Ramey. Why the fuck do you have to call me that? You know I hate it.”
“Don’t change the subject,” Ramey said. “And geez, you have to admit where Mom and Dad got your name is funny. I mean, I was two when you were born, and Mom was always eating pickles so when I came to see you, I called you baby Dyl, and they named you Dylan. Not my fault.”
“Yeah, it is and now you have your daughter calling me that.”
Ramey laughed. “We can go down the baby Dyl rabbit hole to avoid the fact that you have your first taste of what it’s like to be in love all you want. But you’re going to have to face it and make a decision.”
“Kinsley may have already made it for me,” Dylan said as three cars pulled into the driveway. “Looks like the gang is all here.”
Chapter 14
Kinsley watched from her family room window as most of Dylan’s family piled into their vehicles. It had been nice to hear the sound of laughing children as they ran about in the front yard as the sun set over the Intracoastal Waterway. Even nicer to see Dylan with a big smile on his face.
She’d kept her lights off, both outside and inside, but she was sure, if he looked, he’d see the light from her television through the window. Setting her glass of wine on the table, she reached for her phone and listened to his heartfelt apology once more. She was about to open the text thread to read those when a new message lit up her screen.
Dylan: Please let me apologize in person. I’m standing on your front porch. I’ll be here all night, waiting if I have to.
Well, fuck. She couldn’t hide from him forever.
Kinsley: Door’s unlocked. Come on in.
Seconds later, he stood in front of her. “May I?” He waved to the sofa.
She moved over. “I accept your apology.”
“What I said was mean and served only to hurt you.”
“I know,” she said, taking a sip of her wine. “I tried to manipulate you and that was wrong.” Being next to him made her heart melt and drip all over her soul.
“I didn’t mean to imply that you get off on—”
She covered his mouth with
her hand. “I know you didn’t. You were making a point that we both don’t do relationships. What bothered me is that you lied to me and then you tossed your dream in my face to embarrass me.”
He let out a long breath. “I did it to hurt you, and I was still lying. I didn’t have that dream about my father, at least not that night.”
She cocked her head. “Why did you lie?”
“Because the dream was about you, and it scared me in ways I can’t even describe because I’ve never felt like this before.”
“Oh. I think I need another drink.”
“Me too. Do you have an open bottle?” He stood, heading toward the counter she used for a bar off the family room.
“Just cracked it open.”
Knowing her hands trembled, she quickly snagged her glass, holding it against her chest, hoping to squelch the nervous twitch.
He returned, filled their glasses, and sat down, shifting his body, facing her.
She, on the other hand, kept her eyes on the television. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me about the dream you had. Like I said before, dreams aren’t always what we think they are.”
“I know that. But I also know I’ve never let myself grieve for my father. I’ve been running from it ever since Ramey made me let him go after he died. I use my career as a way of paying omiyage to him, I guess. My dad was my hero and when he died, and my brothers scattered to different places, I felt alone, even though I wasn’t. Delta Force gave me a different kind of home. One where all I had to care about was the men, and the mission.”
“Just like your dad and brothers. You have a very special family,” she said, turning her head, catching his gaze, giving him the respect he so rightfully deserved. “And your brothers all have families of their own now.”