The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom — Volume 01

by T. Smollett

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  HE REPAIRS TO BRISTOL SPRING, WHERE HE REIGNS PARAMOUNT DURING THE WHOLESEASON.

  We shall therefore leave her in this comfortable situation, and return toour adventurer, whose appearance at Bristol was considered as a happyomen by the proprietor of the hot well, and all the people who live bythe resort of company to that celebrated spring. Nor were they deceivedin their prognostic. Fathom, as usual, formed the nucleus or kernel ofthe beau monde; and the season soon became so crowded, that many peopleof fashion were obliged to quit the place for want of lodging. Ferdinandwas the soul that animated the whole society. He not only inventedparties of pleasure, but also, by his personal talents, rendered themmore agreeable. In a word, he regulated their diversions, and the masterof the ceremonies never would allow the ball to be begun till the Countwas seated.

  Having thus made himself the object of admiration and esteem, his advicewas an oracle, to which they had recourse in all doubtful cases ofpunctilio or dispute, or even of medicine; for among his otheraccomplishments, his discourse on that subject was so plausible, and welladapted to the understanding of his hearers, that any person who had notactually studied the medical art would have believed he was inspired bythe spirit of Aesculapius. What contributed to the aggrandisement of hischaracter in this branch of knowledge, was a victory he obtained over anold physician, who plied at the well, and had one day unfortunately begunto harangue in the pump-room upon the nature of the Bristol water. Inthe course of this lecture he undertook to account for the warmth of thefluid; and his ideas being perplexed with a great deal of reading, whichhe had not been able to digest, his disquisition was so indistinct, andhis expression so obscure and unentertaining, that our hero seized theopportunity of displaying his own erudition, by venturing to contradictsome circumstances of the doctor's hypothesis, and substituting a theoryof his own, which, as he had invented it for the purpose, was equallyamusing and chimerical.

  He alleged, that fire was the sole vivifying principle that pervaded allnature; that, as the heat of the sun concocted the juice of vegetables,and ripened those fruits that grow upon the surface of this globe, therewas likewise an immense store of central fire reserved within the bowelsof the earth, not only for the generation of gems, fossils, and all thepurposes of the mineral world, but likewise for cherishing and keepingalive those plants which would otherwise perish by the winter's cold.The existence of such a fire he proved from the nature of all thosevolcanoes, which in almost every corner of the earth are continuallyvomiting up either flames or smoke. "These," said he, "are the greatvents appointed by nature for the discharge of that rarefied air andcombustible matter, which, if confined, would burst the globe asunder;but, besides the larger outlets, there are some small chimneys throughwhich part of the heat transpires; a vapour of that sort, I conceive,must pass through the bed or channel of this spring, the waters of which,accordingly retain a moderate warmth."

  This account, which totally overthrew the other's doctrine, was soextremely agreeable to the audience, that the testy doctor lost histemper, and gave them to understand, without preamble, that he must be aperson wholly ignorant of natural philosophy, who could invent such aridiculous system, and they involved in worse than an Egyptian fog, thatcould not at once discern its weakness and absurdity. This declarationintroduced a dispute, which was unanimously determined in favour of ouradventurer. On all such occasions the stream of prejudice runs againstthe physician, even though his antagonist has nothing to recommendhimself to the favour of the spectators; and this decision depends upondivers considerations. In the first place, there is a continual warcarried on against the learned professions, by all those who, consciousof their own ignorance, seek to level the reputation of their superiorswith their own. Secondly, in all disputes upon physic that happenbetwixt a person who really understands the art, and an illiteratepretender, the arguments of the first will seem obscure andunintelligible to those who are unacquainted with the previous systems onwhich they are built; while the other's theory, derived from commonnotions, and superficial observation, will be more agreeable, becausebetter adapted to the comprehension of the hearers. Thirdly, thejudgment of the multitude is apt to be biassed by that surprise which isthe effect of seeing an artist foiled at his own weapons, by one whoengages him only for amusement.

  Fathom, besides these advantages, was blessed with a flow of language, anelegant address, a polite and self-denying style of argumentation,together with a temper not to be ruffled; so that the victory could notlong waver between him and the physician, to whom he was infinitelysuperior in every acquisition but that of solid learning, of which thejudges had no idea. This contest was not only glorious but profitable toour adventurer, who grew into such request in his medical capacity, thatthe poor doctor was utterly deserted by his patients, and Fathom's advicesolicited by every valetudinarian in the place; nor did he forfeit thecharacter he thus acquired by any miscarriages in his practice. Beingbut little conversant with the materia medica, the circle of hisprescriptions was very small; his chief study was to avoid all drugs ofrough operation and uncertain effect, and to administer such only asshould be agreeable to the palate, without doing violence to theconstitution. Such a physician could not but be agreeable to people ofall dispositions; and, as most of the patients were in some shapehypochondriac, the power of imagination, co-operating with his remedies,often effected a cure.

  On the whole, it became the fashion to consult the Count in alldistempers, and his reputation would have had its run, though the deathof every patient had given the lie to his pretensions. But empty famewas not the sole fruit of his success. Though no person would presume toaffront this noble graduate with a fee, they did not fail to manifesttheir gratitude by some more valuable present. Every day some superbpiece of china, curious snuffbox, or jewel, was pressed upon him; sothat, at the end of the season, he could almost have furnished a toyshopwith the acknowledgments he had received. Not only his avarice, but hispleasure, was gratified in the course of his medical administration. Heenjoyed free access, egress, and regress with all the females at thewell, and no matron scrupled to put her daughter under his care anddirection. These opportunities could not be lost upon a man of hisintriguing genius; though he conducted his amours with such discretion,that, during the whole season, no lady's character suffered on hisaccount, yet he was highly fortunate in his addresses, and we may ventureto affirm, that the reproach of barrenness was more than once removed bythe vigour of his endeavours.