In My Bed

by Jennifer LaCross

  As I’m lying on the couch, trying to go to sleep, my emotions are swirling around me, keeping me awake. I’m having a hard time pinning any of them down, figuring out exactly what I feel and want. One thing I am sure of is that if things with Nate continue like this, our maybe-one-day-more-than-friendship will keep walking the line that leads straight to my heart.

  Chapter 13

  I’m startled awake in the middle of the night and it takes me a minute to remember where I am. When I realize I’m still at Nate’s and sleeping on his couch, I sit up and look at the clock. It’s only been a couple of hours since I fell asleep, but I’m still feeling rested and it’s making it hard to get back to sleep.

  I get up and go to the kitchen to refill my glass of water and drink it down quickly before heading to the bathroom. When I get out, I go back to the living room and just as I’m about to lie down on the couch I see movement in the kitchen and inhale a sharp breath, nearly screaming before I realize it’s Nate.

  With my hand to my chest, I feel my heart pounding hard as I let my breath out in a whoosh. “Nate?” I whisper loudly, concerned that speaking at a normal volume might startle him.

  Turning his head in my direction, he gives me a pained smile and holds up a glass of water and a bottle of pills. “Killer headache. You want some?”

  “Please,” I reply.

  “Is this your cup?” he asks, holding up the glass I was drinking from earlier. I nod my head and he fills it, bringing me the water and a couple of ibuprofen.

  “Thanks,” I say as I take them from his hands and sit on the couch.

  I expect him to head to his room and go back to sleep, but instead he sits down next to me, close enough that our thighs are touching. He takes a deep breath and leans forward, putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Heaving a sigh, he rubs his hands over his face and stays down in that position, looking at the floor between his feet.

  My arm brushes his as I reach forward and set the glass down on the coffee table, the light friction of my skin on his sending a shiver through me.

  “If you’re cold, I can grab you another blanket.”

  I give a small smile at his thoughtfulness and shake my head. “Nah, I’ll be okay. I just had a chill.”

  He nods his head, still not looking up.

  “Are you feeling okay?” I turn to look at him and the position he’s in combined with the deep breathing he’s doing has me thinking he’s not feeling well.

  “Ugh,” he moans out. “Feeling a little nauseous. Drank too much.”

  “I told you to go slow, but you kept on chugging.”

  “Really, Jenna? An I-told-you-so?” he says, finally tilting his head to look over at me.

  I laugh a little and lean closer to him. “Well, I did …”

  He gives me a small smile before he looks back down at the ground. “That you did.”

  I lean back on the couch, curling my feet underneath me. “But hey, even though I told you to take it easy, hangovers suck. So as your friend, I’m offering my hair holding services if the need arises.”

  He laughs a little harder, wincing immediately after. Taking another breath, he shifts a little, his fingers sliding more into his hair. “Jenna?”

  All the levity of the moment leaves at the seriousness in his voice. He sounds vulnerable and the last time he sounded like this was when we talked about his sister. Catching onto his tone this time, I shift a little. “Yeah?”

  “I really am sorry about snapping at you earlier. You had good intentions. It’s just that my tattoo, what happened, I don’t really talk about it with anyone. And you were right, that performance …” he pauses, taking another breath, “it hit me hard. I just wasn’t expecting it to be so emotional.”

  “I know, Nate.” He turns to look at me when I start talking and I look right into his eyes. “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I want you to know that I’m here if you do.”

  He sighs. “Have you ever been in love, Jenna?”

  My heart starts pounding as soon as I hear his question and I clear my throat before I answer. “Yes, have you?”

  “Yeah.” He pauses. “How did you guys break-up?”

  I’m not sure where this is going, but I feel like I should be honest with him. “I caught him cheating.”

  “That fucking sucks.” He says it so matter-of-fact and so seriously, almost like he knows.

  “Yeah, it fucking does.” Surprisingly, the pain that would normally be there when I talk about what happened with Simon is missing. Maybe it’s the late hour and being here with Nate, but the damage Simon did on my heart doesn’t seem as bad.

  “Lying and cheating are two of the worst fucking things a person can do to someone.” His voice is faraway, sadness seeping into his tone. “When I moved out here, I met this girl, Hannah, and we started dating. It ended in a really messed up way and I lost … I …” He takes a shaky breath, opening his mouth about to say something before he closes it and shakes his head. “I thought I was ready to talk about it, but I don’t … I can’t …”

  “It’s okay, Nate. I don’t want you to feel like you have to explain.”

  “I know.” He leans back on the couch and looks at the ceiling. He rubs his hands over his face and then rests them on his thighs, closing his eyes as he breathes slowly. “But for the first time, I actually want to talk about it, I just don’t know that I can without breaking down right now.”

  We sit for a while, the quiet of the room closing in around us. He’s physically close to me, but I know his mind is nowhere near where we are—he’s thinking about whatever happened to him a few years ago with that girl.

  He takes a big breath and lets it out, his voice more controlled when he says, “Those words on my back, they’re true. Real loss is only possible when you love someone more than you love yourself.”

  I reach over and take his hand, reassuring him with my touch—reassuring him of our connection. Not wanting to make him uncomfortable, I loosen my grip and move to drop his hand, but he tightens his fingers around mine, not letting me let go.

  I think that more is said with this touch than anything that could be said aloud.

  I watch a tear fall from the corner of his eye, down his cheek, and drip off of his jaw right below his ear. Reaching up with his free hand, he wipes it away and I do the same when I realize there are tears falling down my cheeks as well.

  “I, uh … I … She, uh …” Nate pauses and takes a deep breath. “Damn, this is fucking hard, Jenna. Just give me another minute,” he says quietly, his eyes still closed as his head leans back on the couch, the tears now falling in earnest down his cheeks.

  I tighten my grip around his hand, wiping a few tears off my face with the other.

  “A few months after we started dating, Hannah found out she was pregnant.” He stops talking for a moment, reigning in some of the emotion that’s causing his voice to wobble. “There’s a lot that happened between Hannah and I at the time that doesn’t matter as much now, but what still matters is that I fell in love with my little girl.”

  He takes a sharp inhale, his breathing loud as he tries to stem the sobs that are starting to break free. I feel like I know where this is going and my heart is completely breaking for him and for Hannah.

  “She was about thirty-six weeks pregnant when she called me and told me that the baby hadn’t moved in a while. I thought she was just freaking out like she always did, but when I took her in, they … uh, they couldn’t find a heartbeat.”

  “Nate, I’m so, so sorry,” I whisper roughly.

  We sit there for an endless moment with our fingers entwined as our hands stay connected, both of us with tears running down our faces as we mourn the loss of the daughter he never got to know.

  Eventually, Nate takes a breath and turns his head toward me. “Do you mind if I turn on the TV? I just need something else to occupy my mind right now.”

  I shake my head. “Go ahead.”

  “Y
ou can go sleep in my bed so I don’t keep you up,” he tells me, gesturing with his chin toward the hall.

  “Do you mind if I just stay here with you?” I don’t want to intrude, but I don’t want to leave his side. I’m not ready to give up this connection we’ve made.

  “Sure,” he says, a small smile on his face. He leans down to grab the remote and when he sits back up, he props his feet up on the coffee table. After turning on the TV, he adjusts his position so his arm slides behind me on the back of the couch.

  The move seems natural as I slide right into his embrace, my body curling into his. I don’t watch the sports show that he has on. Instead, I close my eyes and sink into his comfort, my breathing turning shallow as I drift to sleep snuggled next to Nate on my make-shift bed.

  ***

  “Jenna,” Nate says softly, his fingers moving my hair off of my face and tucking it behind my ear. “We’ve gotta leave soon. There’s coffee in the kitchen so you can help yourself.”

  I nod my response and murmur a thank you as I sit up on the couch and blink sleepily, trying to wake myself up. I didn’t feel him get up, but he must have woken up a while ago because he looks like he’s already showered, his hair damp and tucked behind his ears.

  “I’ve got to finish getting ready for work, but I’ll be ready to leave in about twenty minutes.” He’s looking right at me, our gazes connecting as a soft smile starts to spread across his face.

  “Okay. I’ll be ready then.” He sits there for a minute longer just looking at me as if he’s waiting for me to say something else. When I don’t, he gets up and walks to his room, shutting the door so he can finish getting ready.

  I stand up and stretch, my arms reaching high as I go up on my tiptoes. I head to the bathroom and take my clothes in there with me. After I’m done, I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.

  I blow on the hot coffee, the steam swirling above the edge of the mug as I check my phone. I have a message from Rachel asking me to meet her after my morning class so that I can help her pick a song for the open mic tonight. She’s performing and she hasn’t decided what to play yet. I respond telling her that I’ll meet her at one of the rehearsal halls.

  I finish my coffee right before Nate walks out of his room in some blue scrubs, his hair still damp is now pulled back into a ponytail, the shorter strands by his face tucked behind his ears. “Ready?”

  “Whenever you are.” I smile.

  “Cool then. Let’s go. I have just enough time to drop you off at your dorm before I go to work.”

  I follow him out of his apartment and wait for him to lock his door before we walk together to his car. We listen to a morning show on the radio as we drive back to my dorm, neither of us bringing up the things we talked about last night. In fact, the time we spent on the couch almost feels like a dream.

  We’re only a few blocks away from campus when he reaches over and turns down the radio. I expect him to start talking, but he doesn’t say anything for a minute. When he does talk, his voice is quiet and vulnerable. “Thanks for last night.”

  I turn to face him because even though he’s watching the road, I want to look at him when I say this. “You don’t have to thank me for anything, Nate. Whenever you need to talk, or not talk about anything, I’m here. I mean it.”

  He gives me a sad smile, his eyes flicking to meet mine for an intense moment. “Thanks. What I told you last night is very personal and only a few people really know what happened. I’ll tell you the rest later, but it’s not something I like to talk about very often.”

  “Nate, I understand and you can tell me when you’re ready. But even if you don’t want to talk, know that I’m here, even if it’s just to hang out all night and watch a movie and eat some pizza.”

  His dark mood fades as his eyes light up at the mention of the time we spent together. It’s only a few minutes later when we’re pulling up along the curb in front of my dorm. When he turns to look at me, I ask if I’ll see him tonight.

  “Yeah. We’re going to Sound, right?”

  “Yep. I’m walking over from the open mic event with Rachel, Jake, Jimmy, and Dan. Are you coming with Toby and Brian?”

  “Nah, I’ve got a study group, but I’ll be there after.”

  “Study group? I thought you weren’t starting school until the fall.”

  “You’re right, but I have some certifications I have to get for work. The tests are in a few weeks and there’s a group of us taking it together, so we set up a study group once a week.”

  “Well, that’s pretty cool. Is it hard stuff?”

  “Not really, but there’s a lot of memorization.”

  I smile because even though the conversation is bland, the way he’s looking at me has my heart beating fast. He breaks our gaze to turn to look at the clock and his smile falls, his eyes popping open wide. “Oh shit. I’ve got to get going or I’m going to be late. I don’t want to kick you out but …”

  I laugh. “I understand,” I reassure him, grabbing my dance bag and getting out. “I’ll see you later tonight.” Shutting the door and stepping away from the car, I wave at Nate as he smiles at me through the window. When he looks away, he turns the music back up and looks over his shoulder before he pulls away from the curb and out of the parking lot.

  I go up to my room and climb into bed, hoping to get a little sleep. When I close my eyes, I dream of Nate, but the dream I have about him is different from the dreams I’ve had of him in the past. It surprises me and has me waking up in a daze because this time Dream Nate and I aren’t fucking.

  We’re simply falling in love.

  ***

  Nate: How was your class?

  Me: It was ok. The history of dance is interesting, but I just wasn’t really all there. How’s work?

  Nate: It’s dragging. I can’t wait to get off…

  I silently laugh at his unintentional sexual innuendo, smiling as I send him a reply.

  Me: Whoa… Nate… That’s a little personal ;)

  Nate: Haha… you know what I mean

  Me: Lol :) Yeah… I’m looking forward to tonight. Save me a dance?

  Nate: Absolutely, but I have to warn you that my moves have brought lesser women to their knees…

  I start to smile and type a response, but before I can send it, Nate sends me another text.

  Nate: Before you say anything… you know what I mean. It’s a normal saying and you know it.

  Me: Lol :) I do. But you have to stop setting yourself up like that…

  Nate: Maybe you need to keep your mind out of the gutter

  Me: Maybe one day you’ll appreciate my mind being in the gutter ;)

  Nate: Haha… I already do appreciate that gutter mind

  Me: Sweet talker ;)

  Nate: You want some more sweet talk?

  Me: Lol… Sure. Hit me with some sugar

  Nate: Is it sweet or cheesy to tell you that there hasn’t been one thing I’ve learned about you that I don’t appreciate?

  His words bring a smile to my face, but they also cause my stomach to drop. The sensation is so strange—it almost feels like I’m falling. I put my fingers on the keys and type him a reply. I take a deep breath, hesitating a moment before I send it because something about our last few texts seem different.

  When I finally hit send, I take a deep breath because ready or not, our relationship is about to change.

  Me: It’s definitely sweet… and I feel the same way about you

  Chapter 14

  After the open mic night, Jimmy, Dan, and I meet up with Toby and Brian at Sound. Rachel and Jake were supposed to join us, but after the way they were looking at each other while she was on stage, I’m not surprised they decided to skip out.

  Brian brought Chelsea, “an old friend.” She’s a photographer who just moved here from Las Vegas, and nearly every inch of her visible skin is covered in tattoos. She’s funny and kind—the type of person you meet and instantly feel comfortable with.

 
After finishing our drinks, we go out to the dance floor. I wind my body around, feeling the music course through me as I wait for it to take me away, but something’s missing. Normally when I’m dancing, I leave the world behind and enter a space in my head where I’m free, but tonight something feels off. It’s like my mind is hung up on a thought it can’t completely form—almost like I’m forgetting something.

  “I’m gonna grab another drink,” I tell Chelsea.

  “I’m coming with you.” She points in the direction of the bar and gives me a thumbs up. When we get to the bar, I lean in and get the bartender’s attention, ordering another beer for me and a water for Chelsea.

  “Thanks,” she says as I hand her the glass. “There’s some guy over there staring at you. Do you know him?” She nods toward the other side of the bar.

  I look over and see Nate watching me from the edge of the crowd. He’s wearing dark jeans that mold to his long, strong legs and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up over his forearms. The top three buttons are undone and he’s not wearing an undershirt so I can see some of his muscled chest peeking out. His hair is down and tucked behind his ears, a few wavy strands still hanging in his face. He looks completely edible, and when I look into his eyes, I forget where I am and who’s around me. His gaze roves over my body, the intensity reaching out and stroking down my curves. The hunger in his stare makes me feel like I’m something he needs.

  My heart is pounding hard and fast. I feel that familiar sensation as I look at Nate, the current flowing through my body getting stronger. No matter how many times it’s happened, it’s a reaction I’ll never get used to. When our eyes finally connect, I realize that’s what I’ve been missing tonight.