by Karin Baine
‘No sign of life,’ Kayla confirmed as she ended the round of compressions and he got ready to perform more rescue breaths.
‘Let me know if you want me to take over.’ He knew how exhausting it could be to continue CPR until an ambulance arrived; he’d had to do it several times over the course of his career. There was no telling what experience of this situation Kayla had. It was easy to think her work as a midwife and a doula only involved delivering babies. Whilst childbirth in this day and age wasn’t as risky as it had been in previous decades, there could still be serious complications. All of which Kayla had demonstrated she could cope with, given this life-or-death situation she was handling so professionally.
On a personal note, it was nice to have that physical and mental support. He was so used to doing things on his own—from raising Tom, grieving for him and even down to working out of his own office in the clinic—it was a wonderful new experience.
A partner wasn’t something he’d ever really considered. He figured another person in his life would simply entail more responsibility, more demands on his time. Kayla was beginning to show him there were benefits to having someone to share these moments with. It reminded him he wasn’t alone and gave them a common bond they could chat about together later. Letting another person into his life might not be as bad as he’d always imagined. He wanted to make Kayla feel the same way when it came to raising Luke.
Despite this new revelation, Jamie was still aware of Billy’s mother sobbing nearby, Kayla counting with every compression, and, more importantly, the sirens outside in the distance.
‘Checking for signs of life present.’ He called it before they repeated the process, praying they could get him breathing on his own rather than simply keeping his heart circulating blood around his body.
As they sat back Jamie tried to block out the white noise around him and listened for any gasping, watched for any movement. Slowly, Billy’s chest began to rise and fall by itself. He checked his pulse and the sense of relief to feel it beating faintly against his fingers made him choke on the emotions of a new dad saving the life of someone else’s baby.
‘He’s breathing!’ Kayla spotted the signs too and quickly passed the information on to the anxious mother.
Between them Jamie and Kayla turned Billy onto his side, into the recovery position, and continued to monitor his breathing in case they had to administer further CPR.
‘Mummy’s here, sweetheart.’ The mum sat down beside the child and stroked his forehead, tears streaming down her face. Kayla put her arm around the woman’s shoulders and squeezed. Jamie could see she was crying too. He wasn’t far from it himself. Later, when the shock kicked in and he was nursing his own son to sleep, reality would probably hit home. At least on this occasion he had someone who’d gone through it with him to talk it over and process what had happened.
‘The paramedics will take over from here and get him to the hospital for a check-up,’ he managed to croak out, his throat dry and aching from trying to hold it together.
‘I’m sure he’s going to be fine. Jamie and I will call the hospital later and find out how you’re all doing.’
‘I can’t thank you enough. I dread to think what would’ve happened if you hadn’t—’ The woman’s voice cracked as she contemplated the consequences.
‘We were here and he’s breathing on his own again. Everything’s going to be all right.’ Jamie didn’t have to spend too long convincing her as the paramedics came rushing in to tend to their tiny patient.
He and Kayla got to their feet and let the crew take over once they’d passed on the relevant information concerning Billy’s condition. They were both in a hurry to get out to their own son to check up on him, but it was fair to say they were both a tad unsteady on their feet now the adrenaline was subsiding and shock was setting in. All the other parents had left, with only the class instructor remaining, holding Lena’s hand and carrying Luke in the other.
‘I thought it would be best to send everyone home.’
‘Good call. There’s no point in getting the other kids distressed. I doubt anyone would want to go ahead after that anyway.’ There was no way people would manage to be serene and do a yoga class after that. It was going to take quite a while for him to calm down and get his heart rate under control.
‘Billy’s going to be okay. We got him breathing on his own but they’re going to take him in the ambulance to the hospital just in case.’ Kayla swung Luke up into her arms and snuggled into him. Jamie would wait his turn, but he wanted that physical contact with his son too for reassurance he was safe.
‘Oh, thank goodness.’ Their temporary babysitter clutched at her chest. ‘I have first-aid training myself but I’m glad we had professional medics present to save him.’
The ambulance crew came past with Billy’s mother following close behind. ‘Thanks, everyone, for all your help. I’ll take Lena with me to the hospital. Their dad’s going to meet me there.’
‘Take care,’ Kayla called after them as Lena tottered off hand in hand with her mother, clutching the lollipop that Jocelyn must have given her to pacify her during all the drama. At least the twins would have two parents at the hospital to share the responsibilities. He guessed childcare was something he and Kayla were going to have to figure out around their work schedules. Although, she’d probably be taking as much maternity leave as she could for now.
‘I think I’ll go and make us all a strong, sugary cup of tea. We need it.’ Jocelyn got no argument from him but as Kayla was about to voice her objection, he stepped in.
‘Caffeine and sugar for the shock. Doctor’s orders.’ Then they could go home as a family and thank their lucky stars they all had each other.
CHAPTER SEVEN
WHAT KAYLA WAS realising about parenthood was that she had to set aside any impending meltdown and continue with the baby’s schedule as normal. Rather than hyperventilating over what they’d been part of at the yoga class, she had to feed Luke, give him his bath and put him down for the night before she could even analyse what had happened.
‘That’s what I call a mad day,’ she said as she dropped down onto the sofa beside Jamie.
‘It was intense.’ Jamie kicked off his shoes and opened the takeaway cartons sitting on the coffee table in front of them. The healthy-eating plan had taken a back seat these past days as they got used to their new routine. Although Jamie had been cooking for her, and it was tasty, it wasn’t her usual menu. It was a stretch too far to expect him to cook tonight too when the events of the day had left them both drained. He’d gone out for Chinese food instead and as she sucked up the noodles in her vegetable chow mein she was glad they’d decided on a takeaway. It gave them some much-needed time out for the rest of the evening.
‘And scary. I’m glad Billy’s going to be okay. Thanks for phoning the hospital and checking up on him. I don’t think I would have slept otherwise.’ Even though he’d been breathing on his own, there was always that worry something could happen and his condition could deteriorate. The reassurance could tick one thing off her worry list even if there were other things troubling her.
‘Nor me. I think I’ve got new-dad hormones going on.’ Nothing seemed to be affecting his appetite as he helped himself to a huge forkful of unidentified meat in an unnatural red sauce.
‘Really? You were so cool today, as though you weren’t fazed at all.’ The way he’d dealt with the emergency so confidently and efficiently, she’d convinced herself that getting upset about a patient was unprofessional of her. It was Jamie’s stoicism that had got her through the incident when she’d been thinking about Luke the whole time they’d been trying to revive Billy.
‘Are you kidding me? Life or death isn’t something I take a casual attitude towards. I had a job to do—it was simple as that. Remember, it was you who did the chest compressions, and he wouldn’t have come back if not for that too.’<
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‘It was a team effort, I suppose. It’s just...you seem to be doing so much better as a dad than I am as a mum.’
‘How do you figure that one out?’ He set his cutlery down and frowned at her, waiting for her to explain herself and expose her weakness.
‘You’ve had experience with Tom and you’ve dealt with the dirty nappies and feeds better than I have.’ It took a lot to admit that to him and open up about how useless she thought she was in comparison. To have him laugh in her face wasn’t something she was prepared for.
‘Is that what you really think? Listen, I was Tom’s big bro, not his parent. I might’ve been the one to cook his dinner and take him to school, but I certainly wasn’t on call during the baby years. As for the rest, I messed up there too sometimes. I didn’t know how to raise a child any more then than I do now. That first night with Luke, man, that was a steep learning curve. I think the world fell out of his backside. His clothes were so badly stained I had to throw them out. I cleaned him up and put a new sleep suit on him so you wouldn’t think I was incompetent. It was important to me that you thought I was up to the job.’ He ducked his head and looked up at her with those big brown eyes.
It was her turn to laugh, but more out of disbelief that he’d been as out of his depth as she’d been. ‘Why have we been torturing ourselves pretending that we know what we’re doing?’
‘I can only speak for myself here, but I was afraid if I didn’t measure up you’d give me my marching orders.’
It wasn’t an outlandish notion when she’d been so hostile towards him and resentful of his position in her son’s life. ‘I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I know what it’s like to live under a constant threat.’
She took a sip of her water, her mouth dry at the mere thought of her parents. Jamie deserved an explanation of her behaviour when it had been misdirected at him at what should have been the happiest time of his life. ‘My mum and dad were very strict. I don’t know if Liam ever discussed them with you?’
He shook his head. ‘All Tom told me was that they’d disowned him when he told them he was gay, and he didn’t like to talk about them. So I didn’t. I figured that kind of people weren’t worth wondering about.’
One thing in Jamie’s favour was that he didn’t have a homophobic bone in his body. It was refreshing after growing up in a small village where Liam had been constantly gossiped about and shunned when they were younger. ‘Trust me, they’re not.’
‘I take it you’re not in contact with them any more? They weren’t at the memorial service.’
‘As a rule, I don’t have anything to do with them. My conscience got the better of me though, and I did phone to let them know about the accident. They made it very clear that they didn’t care.’ The emotion of that conversation, at least on her part, threatened to spill out again. Her throat was raw as she fought to quell the bitterness back inside. Jamie didn’t need to know they’d said their brothers had died because of their ‘sinning’.
‘I’m so sorry. That must’ve been a hard call to make.’
‘The worst,’ she said through a strained smile.
‘Do they know about Luke?’ It was a reasonable assumption that a child’s grandparents would want to be part of his life, but her parents weren’t reasonable or kind. Nor were they the kind of people either of them would want in their son’s life.
‘No. I swore that day I’d never contact them again. Trust me, you wouldn’t want them anywhere near Luke. My father ruled with a firm hand, my mother with a cruel tongue. Between them they kept us terrified in case we did anything to upset them. That’s why I was so against you being involved. I don’t want anyone to have control of me like that ever again. You seemed like a threat to that, barging in and demanding access to your son.’
‘I had no idea. I’m so sorry. Losing Tom was like the end of the world and I just wanted something, someone to cling onto. I wanted my family back.’ He stared at his hands and Kayla knew he was thinking about his brother and all the things they would no longer do together. She did it herself every time someone mentioned Liam.
‘That was why I agreed to the surrogacy. I couldn’t see that I would ever find a man I’d completely trust to enter into that kind of serious relationship where I’d want a child with him. I made the mistake of getting involved with someone who took advantage of my history. He manipulated me and changed me into someone I didn’t recognise. Someone weak who was desperate to please him with no thought to her own needs. It’s been hard for me to trust myself, never mind another man. This was supposed to be the easy way out.’
She’d been naïve. They all had. A baby was a serious commitment and a responsibility for life. He wasn’t going to solve all of her issues with her parents and the control they’d exerted over her. It was down to her to move past it all so her son wasn’t tainted by her legacy. She didn’t want Luke growing up afraid to love, or share his life with someone, because that was what she instilled in him.
‘I’m sorry, Kayla, and I can understand that to some extent.’ Jamie scooped up some rice along with the bright red concoction, leaving Kayla waiting for him to finish so she could hear how he related to her tragic lack of love life. From everything she’d heard, Jamie Garrett was never short of a woman in his bed. That was part of the reason she was wary of getting into any sort of a relationship with him. Even a platonic one. She hadn’t seen the point in setting up a family dynamic if he’d take off the next time a woman caught his eye. However, he’d shown a commitment to Luke these past days that went beyond mere bragging rights.
She watched him swallow, then take another forkful of food. Unlike him, she couldn’t eat another mouthful until she heard the rest of this story explaining what made him him. ‘I don’t know much about your personal background except that your parents passed away when Tom was young.’
He took the hint to continue and paused with the food halfway to his mouth. ‘They weren’t bad people. Dad was in the army so we didn’t see that much of him. Even when he was on leave he was an outdoorsy kind of guy. You know, he went away on hiking trips a lot. He was a bit of a loner and probably shouldn’t have had kids. He had a climbing accident, broke his neck in a fall. Mum died about five years later when Tom was eleven. She had a stroke and never recovered.’
‘That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. You were all so young.’ It sounded as though the family had been blighted by tragedy and now he’d lost Tom too. Life could be so fragile, and unfair. She’d found that out with her brother’s death. Even though she didn’t have a relationship with her parents, she could understand how great a loss Jamie had suffered to date. It was a testament to him that he’d been able to carry on when they’d been orphaned and assume guardianship of his brother when he’d been barely an adult himself.
‘There was never really any time to process each event. After my dad’s death I stepped up to be the man of the house, keeping Tom in line and taking care of bills and things. When Mum went it was only natural I took on both parenting roles. Losing Tom has been the toughest time of my life. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.’ He pushed his food away, his appetite apparently leaving, and Kayla knew it was her fault for bringing up painful memories.
‘I’m not sure we’re supposed to. Death changes the people left behind but I think it’s important we carry on and live the life our loved ones never got to have.’ She expected Luke was going to make that easier. With a child in her life she had no choice but to carry on for his sake and get up each morning to start afresh. Her mind might take a while to catch up in leaving the past behind, but outwardly she was determined to try.
‘I can’t help thinking that I wasn’t there for Tom when he needed me most. Perhaps I was too giddy about the idea of being a single man free of responsibilities to think about the danger he and Liam were putting themselves in out there. I should’ve warned them what they were doing was reckless, instead of celeb
rating my bachelor status. Even though he was a grown man, I don’t think I stopped taking care of him until he and Liam got married.’
‘There was nothing you could have done, Jamie. They wanted one last adventure before they settled into family life and we wouldn’t have begrudged them that. What happened was a tragedy, an accident that no one could have foreseen.’ She’d torn herself apart too, wondering if she could’ve done anything to prevent their deaths, but no amount of guilt or apportioning blame was going to bring them back.
‘I was too self-involved. At that time of my life I wasn’t taking anyone’s feelings, other than my own, into consideration. Including yours. I’m sorry for the way I behaved at the wedding. My ego got a little out of control for a while there, realising I was still attractive to the opposite sex despite my advancing years.’
‘You’re hardly ancient.’ She didn’t want to tell him there was no need to apologise when his forthright manner at the wedding had awakened emotions, sensations in her she’d given up on ever having again. Once she’d realised relationships were never going to work out for her, she’d thought she’d shut them off, considered them a waste of energy. Clashing with Jamie at the wedding had made her realise she wasn’t dead from the neck down.
Perhaps having her eyes opened to the fact she was still open to a man’s attentions had scared her into the surrogacy deal. Knowing once she was pregnant her focus would be completely on the baby and she wouldn’t leave herself vulnerable to another doomed romance. That had been her get-out plan. Until their brothers had died and brought Jamie back into her universe, along with that resurfacing chemistry it was getting harder to deny lingering between them.