Book Read Free

Dear Dumb Dairy #1: Let's Pretend This Never Happened (Dear Dumb Diary)

Page 3

by Jim Benton


  Oh. And one other thing: Angeline’s bald hair

  patch is almost totally invisible now. She has

  employed some sort of secret military combing

  technology to camouflage the patch she had been

  covering with the beret. It is also possible that she

  simply regenerated the lost hair, regrowing it the

  way a lizard regrows a lost tail or a slug regrows —I

  don’t know —a big snotty lump or something that

  somebody cuts off him.

  49

  Wednesday 18

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Mom would not call me in sick from school

  today. But it’s okay, because I have miraculously

  recovered from my OCD and actually do not even

  think about or care about Angeline anymore. Let me

  prove it. Below, I will write the names of people that

  I just don’t care about at all.

  50

  Thursday 19

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Okay, okay. Maybe Angeline does still bug me

  a little. I just had to have Angeline’s permanent

  record, and the only way to do it was to get sent to

  the principal’s office again.

  So at lunch today, Miss Bruntford, the neck-

  waggling cafeteria monitor, lost her mind and said

  that nobody could leave the cafeteria until they

  had finished the meat loaf. She was staring at us

  and we were staring at her and you could have cut

  the tension with a knife, which is something you

  can’t do with the meat loaf.

  51

  Suddenly, a big honkin’ slab of the shiny

  slippery meat loaf came flying through the air and

  smacked Miss Bruntford right in the neck blubber.

  She started screaming and sputtering and

  demanding to know who did it. It seemed like a

  golden opportunity, so I said that I was the one who

  had thrown it. Easy ticket to the principal’s office,

  right?

  52

  But get this: As they’re hustling me out of the

  cafeteria like I’m a perp on that COPS show, I’m

  looking down at everybody’s trays. I see meat loaf

  after meat loaf after meat loaf. And then I see one

  tray without meat loaf. I look up, and there’s

  Angeline, wiping gravy off her hand with a napkin.

  ANGELINE!!! She was the one that threw

  the meat loaf, and I had taken the fall for it.

  53

  Of course, I got a big lecture from the

  principal and he might have even mentioned

  Wheretheheckistan. Plus, he banned me from eating

  school lunches for two weeks. (I got the feeling that

  he thought that was a much worse punishment than

  it actually was.)

  And, to make things worse, of course I did not

  get Angeline’s permanent record. (I mean, what did

  I think I was going to do? Knock the principal out

  with a karate kick and just grab the folder out of

  the file cabinet???) It turns out this was a pretty

  lousy idea. I’m never going to try something that

  dumb again.

  54

  Friday 20

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I tried something that dumb again. Between

  classes, I saw the principal talking to Miss Anderson

  who is a teacher and therefore old, but is beautiful

  enough to be a waitress, and all the men teachers

  talk to her for a long time. I ran all the way to the

  office and walked right in and asked to talk to the

  principal. He wasn’t there, so one of the secretaries

  told me to come back later, but I told her I had a

  private matter to discuss with him, and could I

  leave him a note? Then I told her that with that

  beret on, I thought for a second she was one of the

  school cheerleaders.

  55

  Of course, she let me right in and all I had to

  do was just walk over to the cabinet and snatch

  Angeline’s permanent record. I know what you’re

  thinking, Dumb Diary: You are thinking that I am the

  Smartest Chick in the World. And you’re right. I am

  the Smartest Chick in the World.

  56

  And later on, the Smartest Chick in the World

  forgot Angeline’s file at school. On a Friday. So

  now I’ll have OCD about it all weekend.

  57

  Saturday 21

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  What’s the name of that little animal with the

  big head and the sharp little teeth? Oh yeah: Eddy.

  My aunt dropped off Cousin Eddy today with his

  permanently sticky face and Robot Avenger

  backpack. She had a big long list of things he liked

  and things he didn’t, but most of all, she said, don’t

  give him anything with strawberries in it because

  he’s allergic.

  Mom keeps washing his face, but, like, three

  minutes later he’s sticky again. He’s like a

  doughnut that secretes its own glaze. Mom yelled at

  me for using my finger to write “wash me” on his

  cheek.

  58

  Sunday 22

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Angeline uses such a wonderful and

  important shampoo that the small wad of hair I

  have has actually made our whole house smell

  better. It also has a powerful effect on Eddy, who

  seems to have an unnatural love for it, and a

  mutant ability to sniff it out of its hiding places.

  My Scientific Theory is that since Eddy will

  grow up into a Guy one day, he is already

  instinctively and unnaturally in love with Angeline.

  The hair has no effect on my dad, and Isabella says

  that is because he is my dad and stopped being a

  Guy when he met my mom.

  The fragrance also seems to have an effect

  on Stinker,who sneezes and sneezes whenever I

  grind the hair wad in his face. I wonder if that

  annoys him?

  59

  Monday 23

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  There’s good news and there’s bad news. The

  good news is Mom says that my aunt is picking up

  Eddy on Thursday, which is a relief because I’m

  getting tired of trying to hide Angeline’s hair wad

  from him. There’s more good news. I remembered to

  bring Angeline’s permanent record home. But I set it

  down one second and turned my back and when I

  reached for it again it was gone. I know it was either

  Stinker or Eddy who took it, but no amount of

  yelling or depriving of toys or dog bones has had

  any effect. And Eddy really likes those bones.

  60

  Tuesday 24

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  It is making me mental that Angeline’s

  permanent record is in this house and I cannot find

  it. I even looked in Stinker’s doghouse, which meant

  I had to throw out all the sticks and trash he had

  been keeping in there. Since then, Stinker has been

  staring at me for hours with his black, black, dog

  eyes and I think he may be planning something

  against me.

  May be I should buy a dozen big mean cats to

  have around the house in case some mean little dog

  shows up to try to do something mean to me.
(Dumb

  Diary, I read that last sentence out loud so that

  Stinker could hear it, but it did not seem to have

  any effect on him. If I turn up missing in the

  morning, I just hope the police dust for fingerprints,

  or foot prints, or whatever you call the prints left by

  those paw-nubs on the bottom of a guilty beagle’s

  foot. Hint, hint. )

  61

  Wednesday 25

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I’m angry on the outside . . .

  62

  . . . but I’m far angrier on the inside.

  63

  I finally finished my mythology report. In

  spite of distractions, like cousin Eddy clawing at

  the door to get in, and the frustrating knowledge

  that there could be something so joyfully

  horrendous in Angeline’s folder that it could be

  used to reduce her to a tiny quivering lump of

  sobbing goo, and I do not know where the folder is.

  64

  Happily, Mom told me that Eddy won’t be

  here much longer —my aunt is meeting us at school

  tomorrow morning to pick him up.

  I wonder if I’ll miss having him around the

  house? I didn’t miss Stinker’s Frantic Itchy Butt

  Disease when that cleared up, so I think I’ll be okay

  when Eddy is gone.

  65

  Thursday 26

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Stinker ate my mythology report.

  I guess at least now I know what he’s been

  planning. He was waiting for me to finish it. Here’s

  how I know he was doing it to get back at me: He

  only ate the words. He left the paper margins in his

  bowl like pizza crusts.

  66

  I had to pack my own lunch this morning, on

  account of being banned from buying lunch at

  school. There was only a spoonful of strawberry jam

  for my sandwich and just to make things worse,

  Stinker must have licked it off my bread while I went

  to the fridge to look for a juice box. I figured he did

  it to get the taste of mythologyout his mouth —

  which probably tastes awful —so I didn’t even get

  that mad at him. My mom finished packing my lunch

  and stuck it in my backpack.

  67

  So there I was, Dumb Diary. Mom was

  dropping me off at school, and I knew I was headed

  for an “F” from Mr. Evans. I mean, you just can’t

  actually say the dog ate your homework. I have to

  give that mean little beagle credit: Stinker played

  that one beautifully.

  68

  While I was headed into school, my aunt met

  my mom outside, and they were getting ready to

  transfer Eddy from one minivan to another when he

  escaped, I guess.

  And the way I know that is because while I

  was walking the Walk of the Condemned toward Mr.

  Evans’s class, a small, dirty savage went whipping

  past me in the halls with his little Robot Avenger

  backpack followed by my screaming aunt. I was just

  about to grab Eddy for her when I noticed Hudson

  walking past, and I had to quickly decide if I was

  going to help a family member or try to look cool for

  a guy that probably hardly knows I’m alive.

  “Hi, Hudson,”I said as Eddy scrambled out of

  sight around the corner followed by my aunt who I

  think was starting to cry.

  69

  I walked into Mr. Evans’s class, knowing full

  well that I would be going first. Mr. Evans called on

  me to stand up in front of the class and give my

  presentation.

  I had just started to say “Mr. Evans, I don’t

  have my —” when Eddy ran into the class. His face

  was swollen and his tongue was so thick I couldn’t

  understand whatever he was jabbering. I suddenly

  knew that Stinker had not licked my bread this

  morning —Eddy had. I guess he really is allergic to

  strawberries. Eddy was so puffy he looked like a

  picture of himself somebody had drawn on a

  balloon.

  70

  Eddy saw my backpack at the same time I saw

  him use his supernatural hair-wad-locating-ability

  against me, and we both lunged for it. But the little

  demon-child was faster, and he managed to get his

  big round head inside the backpack before I could

  stop him. When I finally pulled his head out, he had

  Angeline’s hair clump stuck like a beard to his

  always-sticky face. With his dirty clothes and beard

  and weird swollen-faced jabbering, he didn’t seem

  human.

  71

  The fact that I was holding Eddy around his

  neck as he kicked and growled and clawed at the air

  did not do much to create the impression that he

  was a human being, either.

  Mr. Evans jumped to his feet and turned red

  and started bulging his forehead vein at us and was

  all “Do you know this . . . child, Jamie?” That’s when

  I realized that the next thing out of my mouth was

  going to get me failed, and also nicknamed

  throughout the school as the Girl with the Crazy

  Cousin, or something worse: Mike Pinsetti was

  quickly jotting down a few nickname ideas on a

  sheet of paper. You could tell he was trying out a

  few things. I thought about pitching Eddy out the

  second-story window.

  72

  Then, it happened. Eddy had knocked my

  lunch bag out of my backpack, and what comes

  rolling out and stops right in front of me? A

  PEACH. My mom had packed a peach.

  Angeline stood up. This was it. This was her

  big opportunity. She had waited for just the right

  moment, and this was obviously IT.

  73

  Angeline walked to the front of the class, and

  stood next to me. She smiled her perfect Angeline

  smile and said, “Mr. Evans, Jamie and I did our

  report together. We did it on trolls. And this,” she

  said, pointing to Eddy, “is our visual aid.”

  74

  She didn’t call me Peach Girl. She didn’t do

  anything bad. Angeline was ACTUALLY

  HELPING ME.Mr. Evans and the whole class —

  even Hudson —suddenly looked like they were

  getting this giant backrub from Angeline’s voice,

  which is the most beautiful mortal voice ever heard,

  but so what?

  75

  My butt was on the line here. So, I went with

  it. The two of us started making it up as we went

  along and every time Eddy would snarl or growl the

  whole class would laugh, and I think Eddy even

  started to like it. I quickly realized this was the best

  report I had ever given, and I was actually enjoying

  giving it. Just as we finished, my aunt showed up at

  the door and took Eddy away, and we got an A on

  the report and even a round of applause. (Isabella

  had to do her best not to smile. Her lips are so dry

  now that even a slight smile will split them open like

  a pair of burnt hot dogs.)

  76

  As I went back to my desk, I asked myself:

  Why would Angelin
e help me out? Could

  it have been because I took the fall for her meat

  loaf crime? Were we supposed to be friends now?

  The thought of it just made me totally ill. I looked

  SO sick, in fact, that Mr. Evans told me to get my

  stuff and go down to the school nurse.

  77

  When I went for my bag, I saw Eddy’s Robot

  Avenger backpack on the floor next to it, and

  peeking out of just one little corner, I saw

  Angeline’s permanent record. I scooped it up and

  headed for the nurse’s office.

  78

  The nurse did what she always does. It

  doesn’t matter if you have a heart attack, a leg

  eaten off by bear, or an ax stuck in your face, it’s

  always the same thing: Lie Down on the Cot

  and Rest.

  79

  While I was lying there, I looked at the cover

  of Angeline’s permanent record. Before I opened it,

  I am used myself with what might be inside: Maybe

  counterfeiting, kidnapping, fixing the outcome

  of school football games by means of insincere

  eyelash-batting at quarterbacks.

  Or maybe she had been brought up on

  charges of spending her whole life as somebody who

  people can’t help but like even though deep down

  they really and truly want to hate her.

  All that was left to do was open it, and read

  it, and then share its terrible contents with the

 

‹ Prev