“Admirable.”
Was the surgeon playing with him? Thus far Caleb had no sense of the man’s reactions. “She asked for time.”
“Time, yes. Never good to rush into these things.”
“Ordinarily I would agree. However, I will be mustering out of the army sometime around mid-August.”
“Does Lily know that?”
“Not yet. I respect her need for time. I don’t want my leaving to pressure a response from her.”
Ezra pulled out a handkerchief, picked up his eyeglasses and proceeded to clean them. Caleb waited, trying to conceal his discomfort. Finally, the surgeon spoke. “My daughters are dear to me, and I want them to be loved and cherished. You, Captain, are a worthy gentleman, but I will neither encourage nor discourage your suit. Like all girls, Lily has ambitions and dreams for herself on which may well depend her future happiness. If you fit into those plans, I would be pleased. Meanwhile, you have my permission to press your suit.” The surgeon rose and extended his hand across the desk. “Best wishes, son.”
Caleb thanked the man for his support and made as hasty an exit as was prudent. He hadn’t achieved a ringing endorsement, but he admired the surgeon’s commitment to his daughters’ well-being.
Walking back to his quarters, Caleb was stunned to realize he lacked an important piece of the puzzle. Ezra Kellogg had referred to Lily’s ambitions and dreams. The more he thought about that statement, the more Caleb realized he hadn’t the least notion what Lily’s ambitions and dreams were.
* * *
“I thought I’d find you here.” Fannie plopped down on the ground beside Lily. “You come here often, don’t you?”
“I hope it doesn’t seem morbid, but I feel my mother’s presence here.” Lily patted the mown grass of the grave.
“You were close?”
“Very. Only now that she’s gone do I realize how many lessons she taught me.”
“Like?”
“Like doing for others. Like how the power of love helps get folks through hardships. Like the need to appreciate each and every day on this earth.”
“A wise woman. I’ve certainly been appreciating the past two days since the wedding.” Fannie’s face lit up. “I have officially begun my life as Mrs. William Creekmore.”
“And?” Lily leaned forward, as if to tease details from her friend.
“And...I am so blessed. Oh, Lily, you can’t imagine how glorious it is to lie in the arms of your beloved and know it will ever be thus in this lifetime.”
Lily shivered. Why couldn’t she so readily identify her feelings for Caleb? Did Caleb feel about her the way Fannie did about Will? “I am happy for you.”
“Thank you, dear friend. I would wish this same happiness for you.” Fannie cocked her head inquiringly. “Do you have anything to tell me?”
Lily’s blush gave her away.
“You do! I knew it!” Fannie scooted closer. “Tell me.”
Lily felt sudden panic. She hadn’t intended anyone to know about Caleb’s profession of love. She could hardly find words. “I don’t know where to begin.”
Fannie covered Lily’s hands with her own. “At the beginning, of course, but before you start, please know I will keep any confidences to myself.” Then she sat back, permitting Lily time to gather her thoughts.
“Oh, Fannie, I’m so confused.”
“Caleb?”
Lily nodded. “We had such a fine friendship.”
“Had?”
“We could talk so easily, we both enjoy literature...”
“And he’s handsome.”
“Yes, that, too, but mainly I just enjoyed his company. Then when he was injured—”
“You could hardly leave his side. Did you think no one else could nurse him satisfactorily?”
Lily chewed her bottom lip. Why had she been so devoted a nurse to Caleb? “No, but—”
“It wasn’t only about your patient. You needed to be with your man. That was obvious to all of us in the hospital.”
“But he’s not my man!” Lily’s emotions were spiraling out of control. Why was everyone forcing her to deal with her feelings about Caleb?
“Perhaps not. He would like to be, though, wouldn’t he?”
Lily hung her head, all the fight draining out of her. “Yes,” she murmured. Figuring she might as well go on, she added, “He told me he is in love with me.”
Rather than giving a hoot of triumph, Fannie squeezed her hands, then, relinquishing them, sat back. “Now what?”
“I wish I knew. I don’t want to hurt him. I really don’t, but—”
“You’re leaving.” Fannie sighed with resignation. “Be sure you know your own heart, Lily. Then follow it, as I did mine, wherever that may lead you.”
Lily closed her eyes, wishing she could have Fannie’s certitude. “I care a great deal for Caleb.”
“But you also have your dream.”
“Yes.”
“Pray, Lily. God will guide you.” Fannie gathered her skirt and stood. “Take some time here with your mother.” Then she slipped away, leaving Lily no more certain of her feelings than she had been before talking with Fannie.
Later that evening while Rose was visiting with Virginia Brown, Ezra and Lily sought the cooler air of the front porch. They sat in companionable silence for some time, Lily playing and replaying events of the past two days, no nearer to reaching any conclusions.
“Are you still determined to go visit Lavinia?” The creak of Ezra’s rocker filled the silence.
“She says she will send tickets.”
“Daughter, that wasn’t my question.”
“I think I’ll go.”
“That doesn’t sound definitive. What’s the problem?”
How could she answer without giving away more than she cared to? She simply shrugged.
“Your mother would be able to get it out of you.”
“I miss her.”
“As do I.” He rocked awhile. “Since Mathilda isn’t here, I guess it’s up to me to ferret out the cause of your lack of enthusiasm. Caleb Montgomery. Am I right?”
“Papa, I don’t know what to do.” Even to her own ears, her voice sounded strangled.
“One thing you mustn’t do is toy with that fine young man’s feelings. He has asked my permission to court you.”
Lily’s heart sank. She’d had no idea Caleb would take such a step so soon. “He mustn’t.”
“Too late, my dear. Do you care for him?”
“Yes, but—”
“There can be no but’s. Your mother and I knew that. A good marriage is based on unshakable commitment. No matter the challenges, there can be no looking back and asking ‘What if?’”
Lily thought she might very well love Caleb. But did she love him enough?
Her father went on. “Would you live to regret giving up your St. Louis experience for a man? For Caleb? Are you willing to risk losing him if you make the trip? These are hard questions, but ones you must answer, Lily. Your mother would ask them, too.”
“I know.” Even embraced by her father’s concern and love, Lily still felt alone. All she could do was heed Fannie’s advice. Pray for guidance.
Chapter Twelve
Caleb waited a couple of days, deferring a conversation he and Lily needed to have, one fraught with uncertainty. At the fort, it was difficult to find opportunities for privacy, but the cemetery was a place where few ventured—and one place he knew Lily frequented. As was her custom, after she finished her hospital duties, she ambled toward her mother’s grave, seemingly preoccupied. He afforded her a few minutes before he approached her. “Lily?”
When she looked up, he noticed the stress lines creasing her forehead. “Caleb, what are you doing here?”
“Following you.” She didn’t seem overjoyed to see him. “I believe we have cause to talk more honestly with one another.”
Lily glanced around, apparently satisfying herself that they were alone. “Could we walk in the cool shad
e by the river?”
He offered his arm, and they made their way in silence down the path. To be so near her and yet feel so distant was agony. “I’ve missed you,” he said quietly.
She kept walking, head lowered.
“I hope my declaration has not offended you.”
At last, she stopped and gazed up at him. “On the contrary, you honored me.”
“I fear I took a great deal for granted. You may know I spoke with your father.”
He received a nod of confirmation.
“My intentions are serious. Though it is difficult, I am giving you time. After speaking with your father, I realized I have not been as sensitive to your feelings as I should have been and perhaps have jumped to some conclusions.”
“I don’t understand....”
They reached the fallen log where they had rested the day of the baseball game. He helped her sit, then joined her, knowing that much depended on explaining himself clearly. “I have selfishly considered my own interests and plans, assuming you might share them. In thinking about it, I wondered if I had ever communicated my dreams or, more important, inquired about yours. I love you, but love can only sustain a relationship when two people have a common vision of their life together. Maybe it will assist your deliberations if we speak more openly about our hopes and expectations.”
“You are right.” Lily reached down and plucked up a blade of grass, worrying it in her fingers. “I have not intentionally withheld anything from you. I have little experience in matters of the heart and did not recognize the depth of your feelings. Before, there seemed little purpose to be served in baring one’s soul. I do not want you to think me idly flirtatious. I enjoyed our times together without considering the consequences. Perhaps I was naive. Now I see that you deserve to know what prevents me from encouraging you further.”
As if cold hands had seized his throat, Caleb could hardly find his voice. Where he had sought that very encouragement, he was to be denied it. “I am reluctant to hear what you have to say, but our pledge of honesty compels me to ask you to continue.”
“I have plans to leave Fort Larned soon.”
She couldn’t have said anything that would have shocked him more. “Leave? Why? Where?”
She discarded the blade of grass and laced her fingers together. “My mother’s sister Lavinia lives in St. Louis. She is quite well off and moves in fine society. For much of our girlhood, Mother encouraged Rose and me someday to visit her and learn city customs and experience the many opportunities available there. Although that is not something Rose wants for herself, such a visit has been my longtime dream.”
His heart sank. How could the Flint Hills compete with the sophistication of the city?
She went on. “You have come into my life when I am at a crossroads. I have every reason to believe that any day now I will receive tickets from Aunt Lavinia enabling me to go to St. Louis to spend a matter of months. Yet I did not reckon how difficult it would be to leave you.”
Only then did she look up at him, her eyes muddy with concern. Part of him wanted to lash out, to plead his case; but another part recognized her anguish. Her decision was obviously difficult. No wonder she needed time, but was time on his side? “Is there still hope for us?”
“Honestly? I don’t know.” She turned away then. “St. Louis is everything I thought I wanted. Until you.”
He cupped her head in his hands and with aching tenderness, lowered his lips and found the sweet nectar of hers. He caressed the silky smoothness of her cheek, inhaled the lilac fragrance of her neck and felt an overpowering need to claim her as his own. “Dear, dear, Lily. Above all, I want you to be happy.”
“I desire that for you, too, Caleb.”
“You are my happiness. I had hoped I could be yours.” In the gloaming the hum of insects and the croak of frogs seemed joined in a lament. Neither of them said anything. At last, in a soft voice, Caleb intoned, “‘How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. / I love thee to the depth and breadth and height / My soul can reach...’” He circled an arm around Lily’s slender waist and drew her close. “When you recited those lines at the poetry reading, that was when I knew I loved you and wanted to spend my life with you. If you are determined to follow your dream, then I must let you go, but I cannot permit that to happen without asking you to listen to my dream and consider altering your own.”
Knowing he had so much more to tell her about his plans yet wild with the need to assure himself she would be part of them, he slipped from the log and knelt in front of Lily. He hoped against hope that she would hear and respond to the urgent call of his heart. He picked up her hands and held them in his, seeking in her astonishing blue eyes the response he needed to hear. “Dearest Lily, I ask you before God to become my wife. I pledge you my undying love.”
Her eyes filled with tears, Lily shook her head back and forth, gripping his hand as in a vise. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came. Adrift, Caleb could only stand, draw her to her feet and enfold her in his arms. Her slight body trembled in his embrace and muffled sobs gave evidence of her distress. How long they stood thus was measured by the cooing of doves and the arrival of the first fireflies of the evening. Finally she stepped away and gazed at him with such love he feared ever forgetting the moment. A glimmer of hope. That was all he needed. Then she spoke.
“If mere sentiment and emotion might be the basis of a decision, I would be moved to accept your proposal. But there is also reason, intellect and a lifetime of expectation to be considered. Caleb, dear, you have already been hurt by one who treated your heart lightly. I cannot, I will not, do that. So I beg of you once more, permit me time. Haste must not be a determining factor. May I have a week to consider your proposal?”
Caleb knew it had been unrealistic to expect an immediate answer, much as he craved an acceptance. Right now, a week seemed unendurable, yet if that week ultimately produced an engagement, the time would pass as a blink of an eye. “A man in love is an impatient creature, but you are worth it, Lily. Take the time you need.”
Just when he opened his mouth to tell her he would soon be mustering out and to share his future expectations for the ranch, he heard a familiar voice calling his name. He and Lily drew farther apart and Caleb began to laugh. “It can’t be.” He yelled out, “Seth?”
Lily looked at him quizzically and then at the broad-shouldered, bewhiskered giant lumbering toward them, his arms extended. “They told me you might be here, brother.” Then Caleb was enveloped in a bear hug.
Extricating himself, he turned to Lily. “I’ve told you about my big brother, Seth, and for some reason, here he is. May I present Miss Lily Kellogg.”
Seth picked up Lily’s hand and bent over it. “My pleasure, ma’am.” Then he examined Caleb’s expression, turned back to Lily and said, “My pleasure, indeed.”
Caleb stared at his brother, dumbfounded at his presence here. “What brings you to Fort Larned?”
“First of all, Sophie, Pa and I have been sore worried since you were wounded, so I came to check on you. Beyond that, I have an important mission the family wants you to undertake after you muster out next month.”
“Mus...muster out?”
Both brothers wheeled to Lily, whose eyes flicked from one man to the other. Seth found his voice first. “Why, yes, Miss Lily. Caleb’s leaving the army.”
“Lily, I’m sorry, I was just now getting ready to tell you.”
“Woo-ee. Old Seth spoke out of turn, I reckon.”
Lily dusted imaginary dirt from her skirt and, ignoring Caleb, spoke to Seth. “Welcome to Fort Larned, sir. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll see myself home. I imagine you two have much to discuss.”
She turned and marched toward the fort. Caleb paused only a moment before trotting after her. When he reached her side, he took hold of her arm, which she promptly jerked away. “Please, Lily. I was on the brink of telling you all about my plans and about where I would take you if we married and—”
; “So much for honesty” was all she said, but even without those words, her withering look doomed him.
* * *
Once out of sight of the brothers, Lily picked up her skirts and ran toward home, blinded by angry tears. How dare Caleb withhold such information, assuming she would just go along with any plan he had in mind? For a moment back there, all she had wanted was to fall into his arms, cover his face with kisses and swear her eternal love. To say, “yes,” for pity’s sake. To scuttle any plan for St. Louis. How could she have been so misguided and besotted?
She dashed through the front door and raced up the stairs, intent upon avoiding her father’s startled look and Rose’s well-intentioned inquisition. Throwing herself on the bed, she beat the pillows with her fists. Sweet talk, that’s all it had been. She had actually believed she had fallen in love with the man—a man she had thought honorable. Yet all along, he had concealed any talk of his future, the very future he had the gall to invite her to share. Spent, she rolled over on her back, dried her tears and focused on calming her rapid breathing. Closing her eyes, she kept whispering her renewed mantra, “St. Louis, St. Louis, St. Louis.”
Only when she heard the creak of the bedroom door did she look around. Rose and Fannie stood expectantly at the threshold. “Do you wish to be alone?” Rose asked.
Lily knew the story would have to come out eventually. Much as an incision needs to be made and poison purged, she saw no reason to postpone the inevitable. “It’s all right. Come on in.”
Fannie went to the washbasin, poured some water and dampened a cloth. “Here,” she said, handing it to Lily. “Lay this on your forehead. You are overheated.”
The contrast of the cool, damp towel made Lily aware of the oppressive heat in the tiny room. “Thank you.”
Fannie perched on the side of the bed, and Rose pulled a chair close. “Sister, we are concerned for you. When I saw how upset you were, I summoned Fannie. We don’t mean to intrude, but if we can share your burden, whatever it is, we want to do that.”
Lily didn’t know where to begin or how to express the conflicting emotions raging within her. “I feel like such a fool.”
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