“How so?” Fannie asked.
“It is surely Captain Montgomery who has put you in such a state,” Rose said.
“Caleb.” Lily could hardly say his name for the huge lump in her throat. “I...I was falling in love with him.” Even to her own ears, her voice sounded tinny.
“Was?” Fannie’s eyebrows shot up with the question.
“This evening he asked me to marry him.”
“Surely that didn’t come as a surprise,” Rose said.
Lily looked at her sister. “I know you like him, but I cannot marry him.”
“Did you tell him that?”
Lily mentally reviewed the conversation. “Actually, no. I asked for a week to consider his proposal.”
Fannie leaned forward. “But you’ve already made up your mind?”
“How could I not when I learned he has not been totally forthcoming with me? Rose, you remember when Effie talked about marriage and the importance of communication, of not keeping secrets?”
Rose nodded.
“You will understand, then, how surprised I was to learn this evening that Captain Montgomery is shortly to leave the army. And for what? That is also a piece of information he has not shared. How could he expect me to traipse off into the unknown like some beleaguered pioneer woman?” She shook her head vehemently. “No, I am not such a fool.”
“Sister, you speak of openness. Does Caleb know about your desire to visit St. Louis or have you kept that to yourself?”
Lily shrugged. “I kept putting it off. I finally told him tonight.”
“Dear, I believe communication works both ways.” Rose shook her head sadly. “Do you love him?”
Lily groaned. Her sister would have to ask that question.
“I doubt you would be so upset,” Fannie interjected, “if you had no feelings for Caleb. Perhaps there is a reasonable explanation for his withholding his plans. It could be the proposal just popped out of his mouth, or maybe his future is still somewhat indefinite, or—”
“Or he asked me to share my dream, but for unknown reasons failed to share his own. Whatever his vision, mine is firmly set. I am going to St. Louis.”
Fannie picked up her hand and gently massaged it. “This is anger and disappointment talking, Lily. Caleb has given you a week to make your decision. I know you are hurt right now, but I urge you to use the next few days to consider what your life would be like without him. Whether the charms of St. Louis are strong enough to overcome your feelings for the man. There is nothing to be gained by an impulsive reaction. Take the time, dear friend. Take the time.”
Rose nodded in agreement. “This decision is too important to hurry. Consider, too, that there may be things you don’t know that Caleb has been trying to share.”
Lily gritted her teeth against the memory of his words: I was just now getting ready to tell you... Was that true or merely his way of placating her? “I’m so angry.”
Fannie smiled in understanding. “Of course you are. You’re feeling betrayed. So often in relationships such schisms are a result of miscommunication. If there is any chance you love him, you will need to confront him with your concerns and hear him out.”
Lily wilted under the sympathy and love of her sister and friend. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“You must,” Rose said in a big sisterly tone that left no room for argument.
Lily sighed. Much as she hated to admit it, Rose was correct. The nature of her relationship with Caleb needed to be settled once and for all. “All right,” she said in capitulation. A knowing glance passed between Fannie and Rose, as if to say, “Mission accomplished.”
* * *
Seth sat on the top step of the barrack porch watching Caleb pace. The brothers had not spoken on their way back from the river. Seth had draped an arm around Caleb as they walked, but seemed to be waiting for him to initiate the conversation that would explain the upsetting events of the past few minutes. What words were there to justify the botch he had made of everything? Or to find the sense in Lily’s St. Louis plan? Whether through oversight or assumptions, neither he nor Lily had been as open with the other as they should have been. He didn’t know much about love, but Rebecca had surely taught him that honesty was at the heart of any lasting relationship. Why, he hadn’t even told Lily about the ranch and how he pictured their life together. No, he’d asked her to take him on faith. Dumb!
“You’re wearing out the floor,” Seth muttered at last. “I’m a pretty good listener, you know.”
Heaving a deep sigh, Caleb collapsed onto the step beside his brother, head down, hands clasped between his knees. “How are Pa and Sophie?”
“Not so fast. They’re fine, and there will be time enough to tell you about them. But I recognize a dodge when I see one. What is going on with you and Miss Lily Kellogg?”
Caleb shrugged helplessly.
“That bad, huh?” Seth stretched out his legs, then continued. “Spit it out, Captain.”
“I thought I was on the verge of something wonderful. A man doesn’t like to have the rug pulled out from under him twice.”
“Forget Rebecca. She’s not worth talking about. Has this Lily betrayed you, too?”
“Not like that.”
“You’re pretty sweet on her, then?”
“I asked her to marry me.”
“Oh.” Seth raked a hand through his curly hair. “Yep, that qualifies as ‘pretty sweet.’ What was her answer?”
“That’s just it. She hasn’t said no, yet, but she might as well have. She has plans to leave the fort for a long visit with an aunt in St. Louis. A rich aunt. More fool me, I proposed without knowing about that. Seems her dream has always been to go to the big city and hobnob with the swells.”
“Can you change her mind?”
“I’ll try, but I’m not optimistic about my chances. Besides, what if I succeed and later on she resents me for interfering with that dream?”
Seth seemed to be considering Caleb’s words. “That is a risk, all right. But if she’s worth fighting for—”
“She is.” A hole as big as the prairie opened in Caleb’s heart. He dared not consider a life without Lily. “I will fight, but...”
“If the good Lord wants you two together, He’ll figure a way.”
“That’s putting powerful pressure on Him.”
Seth grinned. “He can handle it. His shoulders are broad. Cast yourself on Him.”
“If only it were that easy.”
“It is.” Seth put an arm around him and drew him close. “Besides, you’re going to St. Louis, too.”
Caleb reared back. “What’re you talking about?”
“When you leave the army, there’s no sense you coming to the ranch right then, not when we need you in St. Louis to order supplies and make contacts with bankers and livestock dealers. What do you say?”
“I’ll do what’s needed for the ranch, though personally I fail to see how being in St. Louis will matter if Lily turns me down.”
“Patience, brother. We none of us knows what the future holds. That’s in God’s hands.”
Caleb wished he shared his brother’s unwavering faith, but right now his future was in Lily’s hands, and that didn’t feel good at all.
* * *
Lily watched out the window two days after the debacle at the river as Caleb rode out with a small contingent of troops. She could tell he was still favoring the side of his wound. She had tried her best to stay mad at him, but now she worried whether it was too soon for him to be on active duty. Then her mere concern made her angry all over again—at herself for caring. In her hand she held a note delivered a few minutes ago by a young private. She had read it twice, shaking her head at the sheer folly that characterized her relationship with Caleb. Despite herself, she unfolded the page and scanned it once more.
My dear Lily,
I could not leave today without attempting to set things right between us. I should have told you I would soon be leaving the ar
my, but truth to tell, after meeting you, I had not anticipated that severance with enthusiasm, since I knew it would remove me from your presence. In a very short time, you have endeared yourself to me in the ways of which I have already spoken. It was never my intent to be dishonest with you.
You were justified to accuse me of not sharing my dreams before asking you to be my wife. The urgency of my love for you overcame reason. Let me share those dreams with you now.
I have saved much of my army pay to join with my father and Seth in buying land for a cattle operation in southeast Kansas in an area called the Flint Hills. Sophie, Pa and Seth have been there for some months and have succeeded in getting the necessary fencing and buildings in place. Despite their labors to that end, my dream is still incomplete. I long for a family of my own. At the heart of that family is a woman to love and to cherish as my wife. That woman, dearest one, is you. However, all I can do now is ask for your forgiveness for my oversights and shortcomings and hope that you will give this letter prayerful consideration.
In humility and love,
Caleb
Stuffing the note in her pocket, she put on her bonnet and circled the parade ground, deep in thought. She couldn’t deny her feelings for Caleb. He was everything she should want in a husband. He was a noble and ambitious young man, who shared her values, and a treasured companion. The fact that she melted when he held her hand or kissed her was a delicious bonus and a reason, out of all proportion to common sense, to visualize a happy life with him.
If only...
But the Flint Hills? Another wilderness just like the one she was fleeing? Full of the same heat, drought, prairie fires, wild winds and blizzards? Not to mention vermin and snakes? All of that coupled with her memory of the settler’s wife who died in childbirth caused her stomach to clench.
More than ever she wished for some master puppeteer to pull the strings of her destiny. Anything but having to make decisions for herself.
So intent was she that she barely noticed a platoon of mounted soldiers nearly on top of her. Jumping aside, she watched them pass. The beasts towered above her, and she had a sudden sense of her own insignificance. Self-pity was unbecoming. She had to be prepared with a decision when Caleb returned.
Then as if Mathilda Kellogg was suddenly whispering in her ear, Lily remembered the familiar words with which her mother ended every prayer. Thy will, not mine, be done. She would open her heart to God and await His direction.
Chapter Thirteen
Wincing with every jolt of the trot, Caleb bit back a moan as the cavalry made its way over stony ground. He’d been medically cleared for duty, but this sortie had tested him. They had accompanied a wagon train safely through territory where scouts had earlier sighted small bands of Indians and were now on their way back to the fort. Each hoofbeat sent pain radiating across his chest and down his arm.
It hadn’t helped that the night before his nightmares had recurred in full fury. Already agitated about Lily, the dream had left him exhausted and frustrated. What had seemed so simple and beautiful several days ago—declaring his love to Lily—had turned to disappointment, but more than that, to hurt and the sense he’d made a fool of himself by trusting a woman again. While he hoped his note to Lily would cause her to see their relationship and future in a clearer light, he wouldn’t permit himself to hope.
Bucephalus clattered over a dry streambed, sending shocks through his system, but that was nothing compared to the emotional pain of potentially losing Lily.
Seth’s arrival had been a tonic and had given Caleb a glimpse of his promising future. The basics for a working ranch were in place, and now it was a matter of establishing the herd and deciding on markets for the livestock. Caleb wished he could have responded to Seth’s glowing plans for the ranch with equal enthusiasm. Although he would enjoy the change of pace from the army, he feared the most important element of his future might be missing. Lily.
Never having been married, Seth had given what encouragement he could to Caleb’s suit, but had spent most of his visit going over the list of supplies and equipment he wanted Caleb to purchase in St. Louis. Rightfully so. The ranch was, after all, their primary focus.
Suddenly Bucephalus shied to avoid a huge anthill, and Caleb nearly lost his seat. Unsettled. That was him. In another day or two, his fate would be sealed, one way or the other. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so helpless.
* * *
Late in the afternoon Lily stood in the door of the hospital watching the cavalrymen return to the fort, their faces shadowed with trail dust. At the front rode Caleb, his hat pulled low over his eyes, his features drawn as if in pain. Sighing, Lily put words to her concern—had this ride come too soon after his recovery from the shoulder wound? When he dismounted to salute the colonel, she noticed his fleeting grimace. Surely he would seek medical attention if needed.
She had other worries. Advice had rained down from all sides, including Seth. She had been surprised when he sought her out shortly after Caleb left. His had been a persuasive argument.
“Miss Lily,” he had said turning his hat in his hands, “might I have a word?”
She had offered him a seat in one of the front porch rockers, then taken another for herself. Even though he was larger than Caleb, he had the same curly hair and warm hazel eyes. “How may I be of help?”
He cleared his throat nervously. “I reckon I shouldn’t be interfering in your business, but Caleb is my business. We’ve been best friends since we were pups, especially after our mother died. He was always the smart one, his head forever stuck in books. I admire him mightily. If I could’ve, I’d have protected him from these past years in the army.” He hesitated. “He’s seen terrible things.”
“I know. His are experiences no man should have to endure, but, alas, so many had no choice.”
“Then you’ll understand, ma’am, why his happiness is important to me and his pa and sister.”
“Caleb has told me how close you all are.”
“True, but it hasn’t been the same without him. We’re mighty pleased he’ll soon be joining us in God’s beautiful country.”
“Your ranching enterprise sounds quite ambitious.”
“We have big plans, and Caleb will play an important part in achieving success. He’s a good man, you know.”
Lily lowered her eyes. “Yes, he is.” In that moment her heart swelled with affection for the brother so devoted to Caleb.
“I don’t exactly know how to put this.” He tugged at his cuff as if buying time. “He’s powerful in love with you, Miss Lily.”
Lily blushed, unable to speak.
“I don’t want my brother to get hurt. He would be a fine husband for any woman, but he doesn’t want just any woman. I do believe if you turn him down, that’ll be the end of courtship for him.” He hurried on, as if racing to complete his spiel. “You would like our family. Why, you and Sophie? Shoot. You’d be sisters in less time than it takes to skin a rabbit. And Pa and me? Why, we have pined to have another woman about the place. Our ma was special. I think you are, too. With all respect, ma’am, please give Caleb a chance. He truly was trying to tell you all his plans when, like a big galoot, I interrupted.” He stood and clapped the hat on his head. “I expect I’ve said all I came to say, and I’ll be leaving for home tomorrow. I hope I haven’t overstepped my bounds by speaking with you, but I love my brother and wanted to do all I could to reassure you that he is the finest man I know. There. That’s all.”
Lily would like to have put the man out of his misery with the answer he had come to solicit and he had certainly made some telling points, but she was still of two minds about her future. “Seth—may I call you Seth? You have done yourself and your brother proud. I promise to consider what you have said. You are absolutely correct—Caleb is a fine man who doesn’t deserve further hurt. However, there are many factors at play, and I’m doing my utmost to consider what will be best for both of us.”
“Thank you. That’
s all I can ask.” He tipped his hat. “I hope to see you again someday.”
Then, without a backward glance, he had lumbered off.
Watching now as the soldiers dispersed, Lily saw Major Hurlburt and Caleb walk toward headquarters, deep in conversation. Every now and then Caleb made a grab for his arm; it was then she knew that he was, indeed, in pain. Many men might have asked to be excused from duty for medical reasons. Not Caleb. It wasn’t in his nature to shy away from a fight.
Her father had already gone home for dinner when Lily finally finished remaking the beds of two soldiers who had been dismissed to their barracks. Her back ached and the stifling heat rendered her clothing uncomfortable. Before leaving, she splashed cool water on her face and wrists. She knew she was delaying, finding distraction in her duties. Tonight she faced the difficult task of deciding once and for all where her heart lay.
She had prayed for guidance, even going so far as to ask God for a sign to help with her decision. However, she had not counted on His surprising efficiency. When she entered their home, her father stood near the kitchen table beside Rose. As Lily approached them, she was discomfited by their wary expressions.
Then she saw it. Lying on the table. A flat package. Addressed to her. Color flooded her cheeks. A package from Aunt Lavinia. She couldn’t move.
Rose came to her side. “Aren’t you going to open it?”
Her father eased himself into a chair and sat, hands folded in his lap, head bowed.
“Yes,” Lily said, untying the string enclosing the parcel. She was all thumbs and the knots were proving difficult. Finally she succeeded in unwrapping the contents and spreading them across the surface of the table. An itinerary. Money for travel clothes and stagecoach fare to Independence. Tickets for passage on a riverboat down the Missouri. And a letter from Aunt Lavinia.
She crumpled into the chair beside her father. “I’m really going, aren’t I?”
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