Laura Abbot

by Into the Wilderness

  His Adam’s apple worked and all he could do was nod. Looking up, Lily watched Rose turn toward the stove, but not before a tear ran down her face.

  Lily knew she should be ecstatic. Lying before her were the means to achieve an ambition she had cherished since childhood, the fulfillment of years of daydreams and fantasies. Yet the hurrahs that should be bursting from her mouth were nothing more than sawdust. She had never been so confused in her entire life. Any decision would be the wrong one. Thy will, not mine, be done. How was she to know the difference?

  * * *

  After Rose went to bed and her father left for his nightly hospital rounds, Lily sat at the kitchen table, bent over two letters, one of which would seal her fate. The first from Aunt Lavinia, the other, Caleb’s. She moved the lantern closer and read, for the fourth or fifth time, words that had etched themselves on her heart.

  I long for a family of my own. At the heart of that family is a woman to love and to cherish as my wife. That woman, dearest one, is you.

  She caressed the note with her fingertips before laying it aside and returning to her aunt’s message, one replete with enticements she had long envisioned.

  My darling niece,

  We are back from Newport—a charming summer retreat among the most genteel families. How I wish you could have enjoyed our pastimes—sailing, lawn tennis and first-rate evening amusements. I am confident that day will come for you after you make a fine marriage. Already I have identified some up-and-coming young men for you to meet. What fun we shall have picking among them!

  I have booked river passage for you on the Mary McDonald, due to arrive here in mid-September. The trip will be arduous, but with what a loving welcome we will greet you! It will be a joy to show you the sights and have you as my companion for the theater. Mr. Dupree has agreed to squire you to lectures by noted area intellectuals since that is not my cup of tea.

  All of this, of course, will be preceded by dressmakers’, milliners’ and cobblers’ appointments and a tutorial concerning the local social customs. By coming here, you will not only bring me much pleasure, but you will also honor your mother’s fondest wish. From her letters, I know how Mathilda yearned for you to experience the opportunities and culture available here.

  Awaiting your arrival with love,

  Aunt Lavinia

  Lily extinguished the lantern. She could no longer confront the words tugging at her as if she were a rag doll being contested by two children. But these were not children. They were two loving human beings, both committed to her happiness. Childless Aunt Lavinia, offering her a Cinderella transformation, a fairyland of diversions and fulfillment of both her own and her mother’s aspirations. And Caleb...offering her the uncertainties and hardships of the prairie, the promise of a home and family and...his heart. No closer to a decision than she had been all evening, she buried her head in her arms, willing a lightning bolt to etch the answer across the night sky.

  “Lily?”

  She must have dozed, because when she looked up, her father was standing over her, his hand resting gently on her shoulder. “Papa...what time is it?”

  “Just after eleven.” He sat down at the table, reaching out to cover her hand with his own. “Can’t sleep? What’s fretting you?”

  “I’m so confused.”

  He patted her hand. “Big decisions, daughter. Do you want to talk about it?”

  She had talked with others until she was exhausted by the effort, but this was her father who had never done anything but love her. She nodded.

  “Well, then, let’s lay out both cases. What compels you to go to St. Louis?”

  She ran through all the reasons she had amassed through the years, including her longing for intellectual stimulation and her antipathy for frontier living. She ended with what was, for her, the most binding emotional argument. “It was what Mama wanted.”

  “And young Captain Montgomery?”

  “He would take me to the very prairie I mean to escape.”

  “One’s environment can be important,” her father said noncommittally. “What else?”

  “He yearns for a wife and family. He is a hard worker and a good man.”

  “You make him sound like a paper cutout.” In the moonlight, he studied her face. “What are you holding back, Lily?”

  She looked away from her father’s probing eyes, her chest constricted by what she couldn’t bring herself to utter.

  “Lily? No running away. Not when you have such an important decision to make.” He withdrew his hand and leaned forward on his elbows, repeating his question. “What are you holding back?”

  Finally she met his eyes. “He loves me and I don’t want to hurt him.”

  “I agree that he is very much in love with you. What about you? Do you love him?”

  There it was. The question. “I don’t know.”

  “I think you do know.” He paused to let his words penetrate. “What is holding you back?”

  “Oh, Papa.” She stood and began pacing the room. “I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I don’t go to St. Louis, I will one day regret that I didn’t and, worse yet, resent Caleb for frustrating my dream. I’m afraid of the harsh life I might lead as the wife of a cattle rancher. I’m afraid I will be disloyal to Mama. I’m afraid of making a mistake I can do nothing to rectify, not without involving too many other people.”

  “The best decisions never arise from fear, daughter. They result from love.” He rose, rounded the table and held her in his arms. “Here is what I have learned. Love must be grounded in truth and in the desire to put another before oneself, but there are no certainties. Love is a huge risk. You must be sure you take it with the right man.” He held her close and she could hear the steady beat of his heart. “One last thing. Your mama is no longer here, but I can tell you with certainty what she most wanted for you. Your happiness. She would approve whether you go to St. Louis or marry Caleb so long as you are happy.”

  Lily was overcome by the depth of her father’s love for her and hers for him. No matter what she chose to do, leaving him and Rose would make any decision bittersweet.

  “Now, child, let’s retire for the evening.” With a pat on her shoulder, he was gone, and shortly, she followed him upstairs.

  * * *

  Will Creekmore sidled up to Caleb after the morning briefing. “You all right, Montgomery? I notice you favoring your arm.”

  “Still feeling a bit rocky, but I’ll be fine.”

  “I don’t reckon the latest mission helped any.”

  Caleb laughed mirthlessly. “We army men do what we must.”

  “Not much longer for you. When do you leave?”

  “Around the middle of August. It feels strange. This—” he gestured around the fort “—has been my entire adult life.”

  “You’ll be a fine rancher. After a bit, you won’t miss the army.”

  Caleb nodded, but knew he would never forget where he had been and what he had done in the line of duty.

  “Maybe it’s none of my business, but Fannie and I wonder how you plan to leave things with Lily.”

  “I’ve laid my cards on the table. Now it’s up to her.”

  Will gave him a two-finger salute. “We’re rooting for you, Cap.” Will proceeded across the parade ground toward his home, leaving Caleb standing alone, staring up at the flag flapping in the breeze. Across the way he heard a hammer clanging on an anvil in the smithy’s shop, the raucous shouts of the hostlers outside the stables and the playful whinnying of horses. Saw the line of peaceful Indians, settlers and soldiers coming and going from the sutler’s. Smelled the aroma of fresh-baked bread from the baker’s oven. All of it familiar and soon to be forever left behind.

  Seth’s visit had provided an incentive to prepare himself for the next chapter. His brother’s excitement about the ranch was contagious, and being with Seth had made him long for his father and sister. In some ways he wished he were going straight to the Flint Hills, but being assigned the St. Louis trip o
n ranch business made him feel useful and needed.

  His daydreaming came to an abrupt end when a sergeant approached, saluted and handed him an envelope with the single word Caleb inscribed on it. As he wandered toward the stables to check on Bucephalus, he opened the envelope and unfolded a small scrap of paper. “Please meet me tonight after supper in the cemetery. Lily.” He stopped in his tracks. The barest of messages, couched in the most neutral of tones, saying nothing to give him hope. He had no means either to make time fly or to affect her answer. The day simply had to be endured.

  * * *

  Lily excused herself from supper, offering no explanation. Before she met with Caleb she wanted time with her mother. The earth was still warm when Lily sank to the ground beside the grave. When the time came, how difficult it would be to leave this sacred spot. Yet more enduring than this place were the memories of her vibrant, loving mother which would accompany her wherever she went.

  “Mama,” she murmured. “It’s time for me to go—either to St. Louis or to marry Caleb. How I wish you were here to advise me. I think I know what I must do. Please help me to go forth with courage and hope and live each day fully, as you taught us to do.” Her mother’s Amen came in the rustle of wind through the grasses and the repetitive song of a whip-poor-will.

  She stood, adjusted the skirt of her best dress and waited, hands patiently folded, for Caleb to arrive. She had not spoken to him during this long week, their only communication being the exchange of notes.

  Then she spotted him, striding toward her, dressed in his official “best,” his polished buttons, shiny boots and clean-shaven face a testimony to his care in preparing to meet her. He approached, stopping several feet from her. His was an arresting presence—so straight of posture, his broad shoulders a bulwark of strength. Nerves threatened to undo her. “Good evening, Caleb.”

  “Lily,” was all he said, and on his lips her name sounded like a prayer.

  “Shall we walk?”

  He put an arm around her waist. “It’s what we do, isn’t it?”

  Without a word, they made their way toward the river. Now that he was here by her side, her heart fluttered like a hummingbird’s wing. Every thought, every argument, every emotion she’d experienced in the past seven days seemed centered in the sensation of being nestled against him. “I noticed you were favoring your shoulder when you returned from the last mission.”

  “Ever the nurse, aren’t you?” His smile looked forced rather than teasing. “As you’ve pointed out, healing takes time.”

  “Lots of things take time.”

  He stopped walking and turned to face her, his expression solemn. “Like decisions?”

  “Like decisions.”

  Neither of them spoke for a long while, their eyes locked in a communication beyond the power of words. Lily wished this moment would never end, because to end it would set a course from which there could be no return.

  Caleb lifted his hand to her face, his fingers moving lightly as if memorizing her features. “Nothing has changed for me, Lily. I love you and pray you return that sentiment. These days of waiting have been agony.”

  Her lips trembled under the butterfly-wing touch of his thumb, and her body quivered, racked by a storm of indecision. But no. She had made up her mind. Inhaling deeply, she forced out the words. “You honor me with your love and with your proposal. I have considered both long and prayerfully.”

  “And...?” In his eyes she read the pain of one facing an executioner.

  “Caleb, I cannot marry you.” She watched him bite his lower lip, then stare over her head at some point on the far horizon.

  “You’re going to St. Louis to live in your aunt’s world.”

  On his lips, the words sounded like a renunciation of all that she held dear. “I must. Please let me explain.”

  “What’s there to explain? You have the chance to move in social circles I could never offer you, with opportunities beyond my power to provide. You have been clear with me that such an adventure is what you have always yearned to experience. I suppose I can understand that life on a ranch in the middle of nowhere can hardly compete.”

  Lily knotted her fingers in anguish. “It’s not that. Your offer to share your dream, even if it is vastly different from mine, touched my heart. And I know you meant to tell me all about it before Seth arrived, but, Caleb, what if I gave up my dream for yours and ultimately came to resent you? I don’t want a life where I’m constantly second-guessing my decisions.”

  “Nor do I. If you cannot give yourself to me unreservedly, as I do to you, then we are doomed.” He kicked the toe of his boot into the dirt. “What kind of man would I be if I stood in the way of your dream?”

  “What kind of man will you be, anyway?”

  He shook his head, and she couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. “A broken one without you.” A tinge of bitterness crept into his tone. “But again, healing takes time and, somehow, I will heal.”

  “It isn’t that I don’t care about you.” Even to her own ears, that sounded weak.

  “I suppose there is no need to prolong this conversation. I would prefer we try to end as we began, as friends. Further talk might make that impossible. Please, though, permit me to satisfy myself by asking one more question.”

  “Of course.”

  Quite unexpectedly, he drew her to him, so close she could feel the heat rising from his body. “We’ve always pledged honesty. Now, Lily, tell me you don’t love me.”

  Surely he must hear the crack of her heart and sense the anguish of her soul because, God help her, she could not utter those words.

  * * *

  Caleb never knew how he held himself together to escort Lily in silence to her home. Foolishly, he had believed that she had come to love him as he loved her. All his pipe dreams of making a home together and fathering her children had gone up in a puff of smoke. He knew he would never be the same, nor would he ever stop loving her. It had been one thing to lose Rebecca to another man, but to be rejected for himself was a hurt beyond describing. Yet, loving Lily, he could hardly stand in the way of her happiness. Reaching her porch, he took a deep breath and forced himself to say, “I shall love you till the day I die. I hope your dreams come true. I wish you only the best.”

  “Thank you, Caleb. Your understanding means a great deal.” She laid the flat of her hand against his heart. “Honestly, I cannot say that I don’t love you. I very well may. What I do know is that when I commit to a man, it will be unconditionally and forever.”

  “I appreciate your honesty.” Before he turned to go, he captured her face between his hands and kissed her with all the regret and love warring within him. “Be happy, Lily.” Then he walked swiftly away before she might hear the unmanly sobs gargling in his throat.

  As he strode across the parade ground, a long-forgotten memory came to him. He and his mother in their garden, hunkering beside a bird, struggling to fly. “Oh, poor thing. Look, Caleb. Its wing is broken.”

  “Can we fix it? Please, Ma. It can’t fly.”

  His mother had studied his crestfallen face and then scooped the tiny creature into her apron. “All right, son, we’ll do our best, but you have to understand one thing.”

  Elated that they would try to save the bird, he had scarce heard what she had said next. “We can nurse the bird, but it will never be ours. We will fix the wing so the bird can enjoy what it was born to do. Fly. We cannot keep creatures unless we give them freedom.”

  Now her words came back to him like a clarion call, and he understood them as never before. Lily could never be his until she flew away to freedom. All he could do was let her go. And pray.

  Chapter Fourteen

  For Lily in the ensuing days, it was as if she was experiencing everything for the very first time—and the last. Why hadn’t she paid more notice to the sheer gold of the sunflowers as they followed the sun across the sky or to the flutelike trills of the bold meadowlark perched on a nearby post? Never before had Rose’
s biscuits and honey tasted so satisfying, nor the chorus of male voices singing camp songs from the barracks sounded so hauntingly melodic. As departure approached, she gathered such memories into her heart. Bittersweet memories.

  It pained her to observe Caleb going about his business, never glancing in her direction. However, there was nothing more to be said. She had hurt him, and for that she was regretful. Occasionally she succumbed to second thoughts, but then chastised herself. She had charted her course and was determined to take full advantage of the journey upon which she would soon embark. Another letter had arrived from Aunt Lavinia, enclosing a beautiful invitation to an early fall garden party at the home of a neighbor. The elegant engraving abraded Lily’s finger, a tactile reminder of the wonders awaiting her.

  She had been filling her days instructing Fannie concerning hospital procedures. Worried about Papa being shorthanded, she had been relieved when he solicited Fannie as her replacement. Fortunately, Fannie was proving an apt pupil.

  The two sat in front of the apothecary’s chest, Lily introducing Fannie to the properties and uses of the medicines stored there—from quinine for malaria to home remedies for coughs and catarrh. “Once you begin administering these, you will have no trouble remembering their uses,” Lily reassured her friend.

  Fannie looked up from the notebook in which she was inscribing Lily’s instructions. “I’m excited to have this opportunity. Besides, it will help pass the time.”

  “It does do that. Daily fort life can be dull.”

  “With the help of this hospital work, I have not yet been bored.”

  “Spoken like a true newlywed.”

  Fannie turned to Lily, her eyes sparkling. “I pray it may always be so. With my Will, I am confident it will be.”

  Lily suppressed the flicker of envy that caused her to look down at the bottle of iodine she held in her hands. “You are truly blessed.”