First Chance

by A. L. Wood

  Upset that Steele is going out most likely to find a groupie who can’t keep her hands off of him. One that will give it up freely. Even after what passed between us earlier. I really need to shake off how much he has gotten under my skin, this man is not good for me. If I can manage to survive living my life every single day after everything that has happened then I can do this.

  Heartbreaker is written all over him. If after earlier he can go out tonight and touch some other woman, kiss another woman, have sex with another woman, then clearly earlier meant nothing to him. Which would mean punching Liam in the face was uncalled for, without reason.

  By no means am I a fixer-upper person. I am torn and shattered myself. If I can’t fix what I have going on I could never take on the task of fixing or changing someone else. But for once in my life, I want to take a chance, a risk, even if there isn’t a jackpot. I have no expectations of him. It seems that most of the time I hate the egotistical man.

  Assuming he could touch me, make me feel this way. Overcome with panic, I shrug Liam off and tell him I’m tired and escape to my room. I didn’t sign up for this shit. To go on a tour with a band I am not even a fan of. To meet five unbelievably gorgeous men, one who doesn’t mind touching me or fighting for me. Then for that same one to leave me alone. Feeling excluded and stuck on the outside.

  Slamming the door closed behind me, I start shaking. Tossing my bag on the floor I sit at the end of the bed and place my head between my knees. One week. One week since my last attack. Hours from the comfort of my bedroom, my home. Hours from Layla. New prospects surrounding me. I focus on my parents and all of the good memories. Waking up every morning before school to share a sit-down breakfast with my parents.

  We would talk about our days. What was going on in each of our lives. We were as close as we could be but they always had obligations to their work and the community. So we made it a point to make sure we still kept our family only time uninhibited.

  I’m terrified. Scared as hell. These feelings that have been festering all week are unknown, new to me, and I have no idea what to do with them. Trying to rein it all in all the time, is near impossible. The only chance I have concealing what is waging inside of me is by being near Liam. Unwanted flashbacks of my parent’s funeral skipping in and out. I try to shove that memory far back, but it forces itself upon me.

  Looking back at my parents’ funeral. It was classic. The normal flowers surrounding their caskets and a blown up picture framed of them at the helm. Almost everyone who attended barely knew them. If they did they had very little to do with us. Hell most I had never met, yet they all felt they could approach me. Giving me the same inconsequential load of bullshit, one after another. Each person stepping up, giving me the fakest most insincere advice.

  “They will always be with you.”

  “I am sure they are looking down on you.”

  “I am sorry for your loss.”

  Blah. Blah. Blah. With each and every comment, I fantasized about grabbing their hair, pulling it out. Punching them right in the face. If only for them to stop speaking for a moment.

  My parents are dead. No longer here.

  I will never see them again.

  I will never have another meal with them, celebrate another birthday or ever hear their voices again. There is nothing that I nor anyone else can do to change things. God knows if there were, and it would have been done five years, three months, one week and four days ago.

  Experiencing loss is the loneliest thing in the world that anyone at any unexpected time could ever go through.

  Sure, many have had to deal with it, paddle their boat across the river of grievance. But not everyone processes the stages of grief at the same pace, or in the same exact order. Not everyone feels death so severely with the loss eating at their souls. To where five years later, it’s still controlling every ounce of my emotions’, my life, my being.

  My soul.

  Death- the only thing that can ever be guaranteed out of life. Devastating for survivors, the ones left behind. I can either fall down that never ending drain of despair hiding out forever, or pick myself up one piece at a time and put myself back together. I will forever have the scars and every day is still an incredible battle. At times I will find myself smiling, a real smile and it hits me- the guilt. The guilt that I can be happy without them here. That I could laugh without them. So yes when I wake up every morning and feel that rush of pain anew, it’s hard to make the decision to get out of bed.

  I sludge out of my memories, anger resurfaced at all of the people who pretended to be there then that weren’t now.

  It was a long hard road to coming to the conclusion that I had few honest people there for me. The ones who had promised, only promised to be there for me because they had self-interest. Money makes the world go round. How friends are bought, hell how family is bought. Not with me. When I saw for myself I chucked every one of them out of my life.

  Self-Preservation. It’s what I have done up until now. Until last week, until today.

  Repeatedly reminding myself, everyone is only out there for their own gain. Fortunate that my panic attack didn’t cause me to vomit. I continue breathing in and out, letting my thoughts settle. I think about what enjoyment I could find tonight. Grabbing my phone out of my pocket I send a text off to Layla. She replies instantly.

  Me: Hey Lal, were in Albany the band has a show tomorrow night. I’m close to freaking out, so close to home. If someone that knew me were to show up. Just... I’m confused.

  Layla: About time you reached out to me Nat. Making me fucking worried over here. I knew you would be busy but I thought I would hear from you before now.

  Layla: You’ll be behind the scenes. Don’t be nervous. You’ve got this babe.

  Me: You’re probably right, it’s just being here. Our first night in a hotel. Nothing to do.

  Layla: Throw a hoodie on and go exploring. Take advantage of this trip babe, you know I would ;)

  Me: Sure, maybe. I’ll find something.

  Me: I’m going to take a shower. I’ll text ya later ok. Love ya.

  Layla: Love ya too Nat!! Missing you already

  Promising to reach her later I decide to take a shower. Grabbing my satchel of clothes, I bring it into the bathroom with me. Sitting it on the counter and starting the shower. While the waters heating up, I look at myself in the mirror. Still unrecognizable. Shady black bags under my eyes that are bright red and puffy. My mouth lightly chapped from the constant licking of my lips from my erratic nerves. I throw my clothes off in a rush to get under that hot steaming waterfall.

  Once under the water, I run my hands through the long and thick mass of hair on my head. I once heard this great piece of meditational, stress free advice. When in the shower, I inhale through my nose and slightly exhale through my mouth. There is something so peaceful about it. When I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world, I jump in a hot shower and just breathe. I always end up feeling hundreds of pounds lighter, and my mood lifted.

  Chapter 17

  Steele

  After taking quite a few tequila shots in my hotel room from the ungodly expensive hotel mini-bar. Not caring about the cost, I just needed these drinks. I make my way to the elevator. Headed to the concierge desk to ask about all the party hot spots. Stumbling into someone, looking up eyes fuzzy I make out that it’s Liam. I clap my hand on his shoulder to balance myself.

  “You smell like a God damn brewery, Ryan.” He says clearly irritated.

  “Pre-gaming my man, pre-gaming.”

  Walking into the elevator using Liam as leverage to keep my body upright.

  “Self-Medicating” he mumbles.

  “What the fuck does that mean?” I ask, not understanding what he is implying.

  He shakes his head, conversation over before it started. I give in, putting my white flag up before shit gets deep and heavy. Closing my eyes, drowning out my thoughts, concentrating on my goal for tonight, I don’t hear Liam talking
to me.

  “The guys should be down in the lobby already, are you going to be good douche?”

  Opening my eyes, I catch the last part of what he was saying.

  “Forgive me already, I don’t know what I was doing. I just… I just didn’t think. I’m sorry.” Not wanting him pissed off at me, or this interfering between us.

  “I owe you one. Remember that. I will forgive you. But when the time comes and I need to fucking punch you in the face, you better forgive.”

  He smiles, like he already has the when and where planned. I disregard his comment knowing that no matter what, I would forgive him.

  Doors opening to the elevator, the guys, Gage, Zepp, and Jason are there waiting. I put my hand back on Liam’s shoulder using him as my feet.

  “Ready to fucking party?” I growl. Needing to get this want for the Minx out of me in a seriously bad way. All eyes on me. They start laughing. They had identified that I am besotted with tequila.

  My lovely, lovely lifelong friend.

  I remind them of the bet and also that I am still up by one. Winning. They groan, then give back fighting remarks how they, except for Liam, are all going to have five-some orgies tonight. I start laughing with roar but not because I doubt them. If anyone could do it, easily it would be us.

  We don’t chase pussy. Pussy chases us. But imagining every single one of them having orgies in their hotel rooms tonight. If only the Self-righteous Natalie could see us now. Then she would really know what she has gotten herself into. What fold she has been sucked into. It would be priceless.

  We would corrupt her soul, rip it out, stomp on it, and shred it again and again. We are all Free-Lancers in the commitment department. Only forming a bond with each other. There is no room for a flighty unstable brunette. It would be best for her to learn it sooner than later.

  Stepping outside the hotel, a black stretch limousine is already waiting for us. Probably Gages doing. The guy is always prepared, I was set on taking a cab. Liam shoves me in head first. I fall onto the seats body askew, the guys start laughing and climb in sitting on opposite seats.

  “So where to?” I ask questioning.

  If they have planned to have a limousine outside waiting for us then surely they’ve planned where we are going.

  “We’re headed to New Scotland Ave, there’s a club there. A Popular party scene, that holds a lot of willing pussy.” Gage says eyes glinting.

  “Great, just what I need.”

  Liam looks to me, his lips in a deterred sneer. Of all people, he is the last person I would expect to see judging. My Minx has something on him, on me, a chain, and a hold. She needs to let the fuck go.

  Pulling up to some cheesy fucking club, the guys all get out ahead of me. As I crawl out Liam grabs my hand and yanks me with him. “Dude there’s no hand-holding inside, got it? We are here to get women, not scare them off.” I say, leaning into him. Riling him up.

  “Well if you could’ve controlled yourself, and waited to sample the alcohol until we arrived, I wouldn’t have to hold your hand.” He replies snarling. Pulling my hand back, away from him as if he burned me.

  “You’re not my fucking babysitter, go find yourself a God damn woman and leave me alone.” I reply.

  He goes too far sometimes, touching boundaries he should stay away from. Storming away, I weave back and forth passing everyone who has been waiting in line. Budging ahead, I approach the club bouncer. Taking a couple hundred dollar bills out of my pocket I slyly hand it to him and he lifts his all-important red-rope letting me in. The guys can bribe their way in themselves. People start mumbling obscenities because I jumped ahead. Being rich and famous does have some good qualities. Such as never having to wait in a forever long line. Not glancing a look at any female I pass by, I walk right up to the bar. Before I even get my hand halfway in the air to signal that I need service the hot little bartender approaches me.

  Pushing her breasts together, almost falling out of her barely there tank-top. I force myself to keep my eyes focused on hers. It’s a game I enjoy playing at immensely. I play hard to get. They put themselves out there on a platter over and over, until I notice. Only, I know I came here with one intention, to get a female who is doing just that, what she is doing right now.

  Teasing me with what I can have, what I will have. I order a shot of Whiskey, one after another. Hot little bartender makes a pit stop in front of me.

  “I am free after two, if you’re lonely.”

  Thinking of Natalie, angered by where my mind goes constantly.

  “I’ll think about it.” She saunters off, shaking her ass with every step.

  Quarter after two. Camp still set up at the bar. The guys have long disappeared with women. Liam too, surprisingly. Maybe I could have made a rash decision thinking something was there between him and the Minx.

  Not that it’s my business what they do.

  In the past couple of hours, while downing shots, I have learned that hot bartenders name is Leslie. She also wants to make it far away from New York and she wants to fuck me. Simple, common groupie qualities. Although the way her lithe body moves I’m betting I’ll be getting the better part of this deal. Unwilling to give her anything but one night, one night that she is about to lose if she doesn’t get her ass out here soon. I’m ready to head back to the hotel.

  Throwing some cash down on the bar. I push the stool back and lead my footsteps in the direction of the exit. Only steps to fresh air and a lit cigarette, hands wrap around my hips. I turn my head back looking over my shoulder at Leslie. I grin at her.

  “Going somewhere without me?” She asks, a little too insecurely for my liking. Second guessing what the fuck I am doing, I hesitate in replying. Fuck it.

  “Just out for a cigarette until you were ready, your shift end yet?”

  “Already clocked out, I am all yours.” She purrs, trying to be sexy.

  It wasn’t.

  Stepping outside, forgoing the smoke I had planned. She hails a cab. I tell her I am staying at the Hilton. She tells the cab driver. Arriving at the hotel entrance I hand the cab driver the fee, including a large tip. My privacy expected. I get out before her and walk around the car to open her door, she steps out one leg at a time.

  “Follow me” I whisper. Doubting if I could do this when really all I want to taste and feel is my Minx. I walk to the elevator, not stopping or looking behind me to see if she is following. When I step inside the elevator and press the third floor button, she wraps her arms around me again. I’m doing everything within my power not to shrug her off. My body tenses trying to rein control.

  No one touches me without myself initiating contact. This one-nighter is already trying my boundaries’. The elevator doors slide apart. She lets go and I step off. Her trailing behind. I stop in front of my door. Before opening I glace down the hallway, making sure Liam nor Natalie’s doors are open, chancing them seeing me.

  Presuming the coast is clear, I slide my keycard in and the door clicks. I push the door open and step to the side allowing Leslie entrance before me.

  “Drink?” I offer her.

  “Sure, I’ll have whatever you’re having.” She says, sliding her arms back around my waist. This time her hand creeping to the front of my jeans, unbuttoning.

  Chapter 18

  Steele

  Jumping away from her, while dropping the miniature shot bottle I had in my hand.

  “Are you alright babe?” she asks curiously.

  I need to get the fuck out of here, right now. Something is seriously wrong with me, I am declining a willing pussy. Instead inside, I am shaken and stirred over the Minx.

  “Yeah I’m fine, uh why you don’t make yourself a little more comfortable while I run down to the lobby.”

  Noticing that I had spilt the last of the liquor I had while jumping away from her blunt ministrations.

  “I’m going to get us some drinks.” I say on a fake promise.

  Closing my room door, assured that I have nothing
of value or personal in that room, a lesson from the past learned. I lean my body up against my door hoping the one-nighter doesn’t come looking for me. I look to my left knowing its Natalie’s room. For the second time this day, fuck it.

  Approaching her door, second guessing if I should knock. Should I do this? Walk into this possible fucking mess. Would I be satisfied would she be satisfied with only one night? Can I consciously break her this completely? This thing between her and me, it has to end. We cannot go another seven weeks like this. On the borderline of hate and encompass. Making my choice, I lift my hand up enclosed it in a fist and knock.

  Chapter 19

  Natalie

  Laying on my side, blanketed in sheets and comforters, saddened to feel so alone, and left behind. I hear a loud knocking on the door, who the hell could this be at three o’clock in the morning? Getting out of bed and shrugging on my robe, I open the door. Ryan Fucking Hurst. Obviously intoxicated with the smell radiating off of him is beyond powerful, I was wondering if one could become inebriated by scent of alcohol alone.

  “Yes?” I ask irritatingly.

  “Can I come in? We need to talk.” Ryan says. Trickily asking but an underlying demand laced in his tone.

  “I have no reason to talk to you. Unless it’s about my internship or the tour. We have nothing to say to each other.” I say shaking my head showing that this isn’t up for discussion. Suddenly I am pushed back. Ryan shoving his way into my room. Locking my door behind him, this man clearly has an issue with the word no. Either he doesn’t know the meaning or just doesn’t listen.

  “What in the hell do you think you are doing? Ryan, I think we played this game earlier and it ended just as it should have.” I say, slowly putting space between us and wrapping my arms around myself with chills zapping at my skin.