Caught (Men of the Show Book 3)

by Rhonda Shaw

  “I was an idiot the last time we talked. I don’t know what my issue was… Well, I do,” he corrected. “I couldn’t get past the fact I might be losing my baseball career and it was completely out of my hands. I was angry, distraught and everything else in between. I didn’t want to think about anything else, which was extremely selfish of me.”

  “Sounds like an excuse,” Shannon said, doubt coloring her tone.

  “No,” Matt said with a shake of his head. “It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. It doesn’t excuse my behavior at all. Nothing does. All I can do is apologize and that’s what I’m doing. I’m sorry.”

  Her face revealed nothing, but she nodded. “Apology accepted. I can appreciate how hard it was for you to face the possibility of not playing the game you love again.”

  Her voice, so flat and monotone, like she was speaking to a stranger, ripped at him, but Matt wouldn’t throw in the towel. He had to keep pushing.

  “Stop, please. I know I hurt you. I told you I loved you and that I wanted to be with you, but then I didn’t act like it and I told you to go away. I know you’re pissed at me, so please don’t act like this. Let it out and let me have it. I deserve having you scream at me.”

  Her eyes flashed, but otherwise she kept her emotions in check. “I don’t need you to tell me how I’m feeling or how I should be reacting.”

  “I’m not. I’m telling you I want you to tell me all the things I didn’t give you an opportunity to say because I wimped out. This is your chance.”

  Shannon walked away from him. She stood stiff and straight, but when she turned back, the pain and hurt he’d been expecting filled her face. Her eyes shone with unshed tears. “Why didn’t you call me or anything?” she whispered.

  Gratitude filled Matt at this small opening, this proof she still felt something for him. He stepped forward and gently touched her arm. “I know. I was an idiot. I know I keep saying that, it’s weak and it’s stupid, but it’s all I have. I thought about calling you so many times, actually grabbed the phone, but I just couldn’t do it.” He stopped and swallowed hard before continuing, ready to divulge what had been going on in his head. “I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for you anymore.”

  Her eyes widened. “That’s ridiculous. Why would you think that?”

  “Because I wasn’t the same guy you said you wanted to be with. I was this broken-down version of him, a guy who’d lost the one thing he was good at. What would you see when you looked at me? Not the All-Star or the winner of Silver Sluggers, or an MVP. No, all you would see was a loser. A broken-down loser.”

  Shannon shook her head at him, compassion starting to show in her expression. “Matt, that’s absurd. You’re still the same man. Yes, you’re a great baseball player, but that’s not all you are. You’re a great man. Kind, caring, compassionate. You’re still the same person I quit my job to be with. The same guy I wanted to be with whether you’re playing baseball or not. I wanted to be with you.”

  “I know that now. I had some help removing my head from my ass, so to speak.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me about her?” she asked, changing the subject.

  Matt took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Kind of for the same reason, I guess. Jason told me repeatedly I needed to, and I agreed with him, I never intended to hide it, but I could never do it. I didn’t want you to think I hadn’t been able to handle the situation, that I let her control my life. I was afraid it would push you away, especially when our relationship was so new, when we were still struggling to figure us out. I didn’t want to risk telling you and have you leave me because of it.”

  “I had a right to know—”

  “You absolutely did. I was wrong to keep it from you. I don’t know that you knowing would have prevented what happened, but you could have had your guard up more.”

  “And I might have known it was her when she approached me.”

  He frowned. “She approached you before?”

  “Yes, but she told me her name was Shelly.”

  “Jesus.” Matt closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples. He had no idea Natalie had actually made contact with Shannon. Had she’d been aware of the situation, her suspicion might have been raised, preventing things from progressing as they had. His existing guilt ramped up to staggering levels at this new information. “I’m sorry. I really fucked this up.” He took her hand in his. “There’s nothing I can say to tell you how sorry I am and I have no excuse for not telling you. None.”

  “Did you ever trust me?” she wondered, her eyes filled with pain.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You keep telling me all these reasons why you didn’t tell me or why you pushed me away was because you were afraid that was going to be my reaction anyway. Did you ever trust me to stay with you, no matter what? That I wanted to be with you, no matter what?”

  He started to insist he did—how could she think otherwise? But then had to admit perhaps he hadn’t. Not completely, anyway. He took in a deep breath and let it out. “I guess I didn’t.”

  “Why not?” Shannon asked as a single tear escaped down her cheek. “What had I ever done to not make you trust me?”

  He hissed out a breath, pained to see her tears, but he would suffer because he deserved all the pain, guilt and blame she threw at him. “I don’t think it was only one thing. I think it was a bunch of things. The situation with Natalie probably had me subconsciously assuming things, putting me in a dark place to begin with, even though I didn’t want to admit it because, again, that meant she had control. It had a little bit to do with you and your job. You’d been saying your career was all you wanted for so long and then you just gave it all up. Could I trust it was what you really wanted and you wouldn’t regret your decision later? But it’s also me and how I tick. It’s one of the reasons I’m a catcher. I don’t just call pitches and catch balls. I see everything on the field, I direct what’s going on and I coordinate. I need to be on my guard and in control. That’s who I am and that’s who you came to know. So, how do you think I felt when I had these situations where I was very much not in control? Of course, I’m going to think it makes me weak and…I don’t know, undesirable. Why would you want to be with someone who couldn’t get some girl to leave him alone and he can’t do anything about it except ask the law to protect him? I didn’t trust that you’d love that guy just as much as the other one.”

  She went soft. “Matt. My God. That’s…so stupid.”

  He chuckled. “Tell me how you really feel.”

  Shannon put her arms around him. “I loved you and I wanted to be with you…all of you, the good and the bad. I never thought any of that stuff. If anything, I think you’ve managed everything as best as you could, given the circumstances. You’ve done admirable.” She stepped back. “I mean, look at you. You’re standing without crutches and you really can’t tell anything’s happened to you. You’re working hard to get back to where you want to be, where others would have given up a long time ago.”

  “Well, I guess it’s a good thing you don’t hate me,” Matt said

  She smiled at him. “I don’t hate you. I was hurt and angry, but I never hated you.” An awkward pause fell between them, neither of them sure where to take the conversation next, before she cleared her throat. “So, I’m assuming you are preparing your suit against Natalie?”

  “Um. No, I’m not.”

  She cocked her head as if she had misheard him. “You’re not? Why wouldn’t you sue her?”

  “Because what would it solve?” Matt said to her. “It’s not going to change the past, make things better between you and me or get me back in the game quicker. She’s a mentally ill girl who obviously needs help. If I sue her, it’s only going to drag things out and hinder everyone’s ability to move on, and that’s all I want. So, I’ll let the law do its job and then let it go.”

  Shannon stared at him in disbelief before a small smile lifted her lips. “That’s really…great of you. Mo
st people wouldn’t see it that way and would want to make her suffer as she’s made you suffer.”

  He shrugged, uncomfortable with the praise. “I’m not trying to be nice. I just want what’s best for everyone involved. I just want to move on from all of this.”

  “And have you? Are you going to be able to play?”

  “I’m getting there,” he replied to her first question. “I won’t be able to completely until we’re good.” When she averted her eyes, clearly not ready to discuss them yet, he continued. “But, yeah. I hope so. I’m not going to be able to catch this year, but I can run the bases, so I can be a bat off the bench. Whatever I can do to help my teammates, get back into the lineup before the end of the season, I’ll do.”

  She nodded. “That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. That’s what you wanted and—”

  “I was wrong,” he interrupted, his eyes strong on hers.

  “About what?”

  “Baseball isn’t the most important thing. It definitely isn’t more important than you.”

  Her blue eyes searched his, seeking out the truth and when she found it, clear and sure, she took a staggering breath. “Matt…”

  “Loved?” Matt said as he eyed her for her reaction.

  “What?” she asked with a slight frown.

  “You said ‘loved’ me? Is it past tense now?”

  “No, it isn’t past tense, but I…I don’t know…” She stepped away from him and crossed her arms across her middle.

  “I never stopped wanting you, wanting to be with you,” he said, forging ahead, unwilling to give up. “I never stopped loving you, even when I implied I didn’t.”

  “I…” She stopped and shook her head before turning back to him.

  “This recovery has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I made it even harder by pushing you away. I’ve needed you more than I’ve ever needed anyone, Shannon. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m here, begging you for one.”

  “I…I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you want to try again,” he said as he crowded her, refusing to let this opportunity slip through his fingers. He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her neck. “Say you want to be with me. Say you still love me.”

  Shannon sighed as she tilted her head and leaned into him. His hands went to her waist and pulled her tightly to him. His lips hovered a hairbreadth above hers, waiting and letting her make the decision to close the gap between them. Her lips parted on a small gasp before touching his. The kiss started out light and tentative, but soon familiar heat spiked and her mouth opened to his as his tongue sought out hers. He plastered her against him, missing the softness of her, and her arms went around his shoulders. She moaned into his mouth when his fingers threaded through her hair. They separated and the same desire surging within him swam in her eyes.

  “Is that a yes?” Matt asked with a hopeful grin.

  She smiled. “I guess it is.”

  He leaned in for another kiss. “What do you say you come back to my place with me?”

  “Hmm…” Shannon murmured against his lips. “I wish I could, but I can’t.”

  He stood back. “How come?”

  “I have a job interview later on.”

  “Oh?” he said. “Where at?”

  “A local law firm. My dad knows one of the partners.”

  Matt paused. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but he didn’t like the sound of this. “What kind of firm?”

  “A corporate law firm. I think there are over two hundred attorneys. It’s a great firm, one of—if not the—top firm in the area with lots of recognition, and if I can make partner—”

  “So you’re getting back into a big firm again, even though you said you didn’t want to?” he interrupted, annoyed at the circle they seemed to be turning in.

  Shannon’s eyes narrowed. “I have to do something.”

  “I understand that, but I didn’t think you wanted to get back into a demanding firm.”

  She let out a huff. “I need a job. I lost the one I had to be with you, remember?”

  “Whether you’re with me or not, you should be doing what you want to do. Not what others want you to do.”

  “I’m not,” she insisted, but her shoulders went rigid. “This is what I know, what I do.”

  “So, then you’ve changed your mind about what you want? Again?”

  “No…I…it’s not…” she stammered, looking irritated and frustrated.

  “Then what is it? You want to be a partner in a big firm or not?” he pushed, anger tinting his tone.

  She stepped back from him, mouth gaping in shock before she snapped it shut with anger. “I’m trying to figure everything out. I quit my job so we could be together, but then that fell apart—”

  “I never asked you to quit your job. You did that yourself.”

  “Because I thought it was what you wanted! I thought you wanted us to be together!” she cried.

  “I do. God, I do more than anything, Shannon,” Matt said with pleading eyes. “But not at the expense of your happiness. I want you to do what you want, be what you want, but not if it is one or the other. I couldn’t live with that.”

  Defeat weighed on him. He couldn’t do this. He loved her and he wanted to be with her, but he couldn’t continue to go back and forth with her while she figured out what she wanted out of life. She had to understand who she was, be faithful to herself before committing to anybody else. He needed her to be one hundred percent happy with her decisions, not forever questioning them. He couldn’t live with her resenting him because he’d kept her from following her true dreams.

  “I can’t do this,” he said in a low voice, unable to believe he was actually uttering the words.

  Panic and fear crept into her bright blue eyes. “What are you saying?”

  Matt slowly backed away from her. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can continue to battle like this. I expect to have to work on things with you, but we seem to be going in circles with what you want. What you want your priority to be. You need to figure that out before we can ever work. I don’t want you to be bitter, believing I made you choose something you didn’t want.”

  “I would never…it wouldn’t be like that…” she faltered, realizing he was right.

  “You just said as much…” He stopped with a shake of his head. “And this thing with your father…I…I don’t know. I can’t compete with that,” Matt told her. “You have to live your life, the way you want. Not the way he wants. I understand you want to make him proud. Hell, I want to make my dad proud, but I have to do what’s right for me. His happiness shouldn’t dictate your choices.”

  “He’s not,” she insisted, but the weakness in the declaration was clear.

  “Yes, he is. I thought when you’d quit your job in Chicago that you’d finally started to step away from him, but I was wrong. You’re still putting his wishes ahead of your own. You said yourself you didn’t want to work in one of the big law firms he keeps pushing you toward, and yet you have an interview with one this afternoon rather than telling him ‘No thanks.’”

  Matt placed his hands on his hips and hung his head. He couldn’t believe this was where they ended up. Grief emanated from her that matched his heavy heart, but he wouldn’t let it change his mind. He had to do what was right for himself.

  “I’m sorry, Shannon. I can’t do this if it’s always going to be like this. I need…” He paused and took another deep breath. “I need you to be happy with yourself and your decisions, and you’re just not there yet. God, I want you to be, but you’re not. It isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to me.”

  “But…” Shannon started to say as her tears overflowed.

  He held up his hand, stopping her. “I’m sorry,” he said with a hoarse voice as his throat tightened. He leaned forward to press his lips to her forehead, and closed his eyes, drinking in her light citrusy scent and storing it to memory. “I’ll see you…around.”<
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  Even though it was the hardest things he’d ever had to do, he turned and walked away.

  Chapter 22

  Needing a dose of baby cuteness to cheer her up, Shannon called Karen to ask if she wanted company for lunch. Since Karen was in desperate need of some adult companionship, she almost begged Shannon to come over.

  Shannon let herself in and moved into the kitchen, where she was certain she’d find her sister. Sure enough, she spotted Karen digging through the refrigerator.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Hey, yourself,” Karen’s voice answered from within the fridge.

  Shannon strode over to the bassinet in the corner and peeked down at the bundled lump nestled inside. “He’s conked out, huh?”

  Karen dumped a load of vegetables from her arms onto the counter. “Yeah. I just fed him.”

  Shannon pouted as she brushed a light fingertip across her nephew’s full round cheek. His little fingers flexed, but otherwise he remained fast asleep. She gently ran a hand over the shock of dark hair on top of his head that stood out in stark contrast to the white sheet of the bassinet. He was definitely a miniature Jerry. “Bummer.”

  “He’ll be up in a while and I’ll even let you take diaper duty,” Karen said with a big grin.

  “Gee, thanks,” she said as she sat on the opposite side of the counter. “What are you making?”

  “I’ve got some chicken and bacon, so I thought I’d make a Cobb salad for us. That good?”

  “Yes, perfect. Anything you make is perfect.” Shannon glanced back over at the bassinet, striving to ignore the jealousy storming through her. This was what she wanted, where she wanted to be in her life, even though for some reason, acceptance of this continued to evade her. “I bet Jerry can’t wait for them to done with their road trip so he can get home.”

  “When he had to leave after we brought Zach home, he about cried. The man is more of a mess than I am with my hormones all over the place.”