How can I be aroused when I know he isn’t really in his body right now, as weird as that may sound?
But every slide of his thick cock is heightening my pleasure, and then I feel his lips on my spine while he continues pounding into me, and I give way to my tears and cry softly into the floor.
With pleasure and heartache mixing, Jace starts rubbing and pinching my clit, and I can’t keep my vaginal walls from rippling with pleasure along his cock. Within seconds, I climax with tears streaming down my face.
Jace groans behind me, and shoving to the hilt inside my channel, starts grinding on me as his orgasm tears through him. His only saving grace right now is that he whispers, “Savannah,” when he releases.
He’s still coming as he abruptly pulls out, and starts backing away from me on his ass, shaking his head with a look of absolute horror on his face.
He’s back with me now.
“What?” he gulps, “Oh, God… No.” He tosses me my robe as he pulls a sheet from the bed to cover himself. “You have to go. Get away from me. Oh, God! What have I done?”
Quickly fastening my robe, I ignore the warning telling me to leave him and move closer.
He shakes his head and holds his hand up to ward me off. “Don’t. God, Savannah.” His tears of anguish flow down his face as do mine.
I really don’t know what to do right now. I love him, that hasn’t changed regardless of what he’s just done. But part of me wants to lock myself away in the bathroom and cry.
Tonight has changed everything. I know Jace and it’s going to take a lot for him to get over what he’s just done. It won’t take me as long once I get over the shock. He didn’t really hurt me. His grip frightened me and probably caused bruising, but once he was inside me, I didn’t hurt.
“Jace,” I try again, because I can’t leave him like he is, “please…I need…I need to hold you. I need to feel your arms around me telling me you’re okay—telling me everything, us, will be okay.”
He looks totally destroyed when he meets my gaze. “I can’t… Call Ryder. Please, Savannah. Call my brother.”
I’m rooted to my spot on the floor hoping he’ll change his mind, but as he drops his head to his knee, I slowly move to the front room, after I stop at the bathroom to retrieve my cell.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jace
How could Savannah stand in front of me, telling me she wants my arms around her, after what I’ve just done to her? I fucking raped the woman I love.
The minute she closed the bedroom door on me, I hurled into the wastebasket next to me until there was nothing left.
My hands are shaking so badly right now that it’s taken five minutes to get my briefs on. I’ve no chance with anything else.
I raped her.
When the nightmares always hit, I’ve never once reacted like that—never. What the hell brought that on?
My heart feels ripped to shreds, and if there was anything left in my stomach, I’m sure I’d be losing it again.
Why was she on the floor? Did I tackle her down? I fucking can’t remember. I just remember that in my head I had Savannah on her hands and knees on the bed while I pounded into her. She was as much into it as I was, but then I felt her climatic grip on my dick, and started coming, which was when I came awake, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.
I’d pulled out in shock, and that turned to horror when I saw the tears on Savannah’s face. I’d just known at that point what I’d done.
The horror of my nightmare had turned into something so much more—something that I have no idea how the hell I’m going to carry on living, knowing what I’ve done to her.
Turning my head, I dry heave into the wastebasket over, and over again, wanting this fucking nightmare to end. Wishing I could go back to last night in the shower.
I’d promised her that I’d wake her up in the morning, but what happened wasn’t what I’d intended.
“Knock, knock,” Ryder shouts as he shoves into the room and closes the door behind him. “Fuck, it stinks in here.” He opens the windows, which lets the chill of the early morning inside, and helps air the room.
Looking down at my sorry carcass on the floor, Ryder asks, “Why didn’t she leave?”
“I don’t know what the hell happened…but I think she was trying to get to the bathroom when I took her down to the floor…and,” I drop my head in shame and disgust, “I raped her,” I yell. I move to sit with my back resting against the bed. “I raped her, Ryder.” My tears flow and I don’t even bother to wipe them away.
He pauses and weighs what he wants to say. He does this on occasion, and I usually listen. “That isn’t what Savannah said.”
My eyes snap to his.
He continues, “Dahlia is with her, and she told us about you getting on top of her, but she used the word ‘fuck’ not rape. Although she did say that’s what you’d be thinking. She won’t accept that and told me not to believe you if that’s what you told me.”
“How can she not think that? I held her down, Ryder. I do remember not letting her go when she tried to buck me off…I thought I was dreaming.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes, which Ryder breaks, “What do you want me to do?”
Take me outside and shoot me.
Sighing, still feeling sick to my stomach, I answer, “Pass me my gear and give me a ride home.”
He passes my cheetah and protective layers, but pauses. “Are you sure you want to leave?” He glances toward the door. “I mean, Savannah is pretty upset, and wants you.”
“I don’t get how she can.” I look away and feel the burn behind my eyes. “I can’t stay, Ryder. I need to get myself together before I talk to Savannah. Right now, I haven’t a clue as to what I want to say, what I should do. The only thing I do know, is that I need away from here.”
“I hear you. Come on. My truck’s outside.”
Gulping, I hesitate when Ryder walks through the bedroom door because I know I’m going to see Savannah.
Reaching for my bag of gear, I pull my ball cap from the front flap and shove it down low on my head. Tightening my fist around the bag, I head into the living room and wonder how the hell I’m going to get through the next five minutes, or the rest of my life, for that matter.
Savannah
Hearing the bedroom door open, I’m almost afraid to look in that direction. My heart knows that Jace is going to leave with Ryder, but deep down, I’m hoping I’m wrong.
We need to be together to talk, and clear the air. Talk about his nightmare and what led him to jump on top of me. He went with some momentum when he flew off the bed.
I did feel threatened and scared and didn’t know what the hell Jace was going to do, or if he’d seriously hurt me. In the end, he hadn’t. In the end, he’d shocked me, and yes, I do have some bruises forming, but I’m not seriously injured, and he fucked me—I had pleasure from what he did, although it broke my heart for the both of us.
I refuse, no matter what he says, to call it anything else.
We are in a consensual relationship, and yes, he was in the thralls of a nightmare when he was inside me, but he didn’t hurt me, damn it.
Feeling his eyes on me, I look up and gaze into his face. When our eyes meet, his are vacant. He looks away, not able to hold my gaze.
“Jace—”
“He needs time, Savannah,” Ryder interrupts with a glance between us. “I’m going to take him home.”
“I’ll stay here with Savannah,” Dahlia offers, and moves over to her husband. “Take care of him.”
“I will,” Ryder promises.
“We’ll talk, Savannah. I just need to think. I need to give you space.”
“Damn it, Jace.” I jump up, startling everyone.
Jace’s eyes widen in surprise before he pulls his ball cap lower to hide them.
“This isn’t over.” I move to stand in front of him. “I told you I was in this for the long haul. I told you that I love you. Nothing has changed
.” I poke him in the chest. “I mean it, Jace. I still love you.” My voice cracks as my tears flow unchecked down my face. “I still love you.”
Dahlia wraps her arms around me while Jace and Ryder step around us and disappear out of the house.
Slowly walking toward the sofa, we sink into it as I let all my heartbreak loose. Poor Dahlia is going to regret staying, because I feel as though I’m dying. What I’m feeling right now is so strong that I don’t know what to do with it.
I want to rant and scream at the world. I want to throw things to get all my anger out, but what I want most of all, is for it to be Jace sitting on the sofa with his arms around me, telling me that he still loves me. Telling me that it was all a bad dream and when we wake up tomorrow, we won’t remember it.
I also know that it’s wishful thinking on my part.
Jace isn’t going to be able to accept what happened in my bedroom tonight. He won’t be able to reconcile his mind to what he did to me because he is so damn adamant that he raped me. Rape is a strong word, and I can’t and damn well refuse to believe that is what happened in there. No matter how it happened, I don’t feel as though I’ve been violated. I love him…he didn’t hurt me.
“Savannah, honey,” Dahlia strokes in slow caresses down my back, “you really need to stop or you’re going to make yourself sick.”
“I’ve lost him,” I wail, and cry even harder.
After what feels like forever, my sobs start to ease as I try to pull myself back together.
My heartache isn’t just because I know I’ve lost Jace, it’s because he’s suffering. He’s going to have another demon to fight in his dreams, and that isn’t fair on anyone.
“I wish I could turn back the clock,” I mumble, and hiccup.
“Jace probably wishes that as well.” Dahlia squeezes my hand. “Why don’t you go and shower, and I’ll get a pot of coffee going.”
“Thank you.”
Dahlia means well, but right now, I need my own space, which is why I agree to a shower.
Feeling old as sin, I try to smile at Dahlia, who looks well put together considering she was woken by my call during the early hours of the morning.
“I’ll go shower, and get dressed…but, while I’m gone, will you call Ryder and ask how Jace is?”
She offers me a smile of sympathy. “I’ll do that.”
Not able to muster much enthusiasm for anything, I slowly walk into my bedroom, intending to continue to the shower. One glance at the bed has me crawling onto the side that Jace was on, curling into a ball, and letting my never-ending tears fall.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jace
A week later and I can’t get the look of Savannah’s face out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see her tear stained face and relive what I did all over again.
More than anything, I want to be able to take away our pain and go back to how things were before, but that will never happen.
I miss her with every beat of my heart, her smile, her voice, the freckles over her delicate features, and the softness of her body against mine. Every little detail about her, I remember, and it’s like a shard of glass being twisted in my gut when I do.
We became complacent in our relationship, or rather, I did and thought that Savannah was holding the nightmares back, but how wrong was I?
It makes my heart heavy when I think about what I did to her. I know now that I hadn’t caused her physical pain when I’d been inside her and that she’d been pleasured, but that doesn’t make it right. She’s the woman I love, and it’s killed something inside me knowing how badly I treated her.
My nightmare, flashback, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, snuck up on me when I was at my happiest, and somewhere in the middle it changed to having Savannah naked, beneath me. In my dream state, I’d been rough with her, a lot rougher than I’d ever be with her, or anyone, in real life.
No matter how we ended up the way we did, there is no excuse and I’m struggling to understand how Savannah can send me daily messages telling me she loves me. That’s all they say.
I love you ~ S x.
Those words cause my eyes to burn with love and remorse, and it’s because of her words that I’m leaving town.
There is a clinic run by a former marine who since his tour in Iraq, has turned his pain and experience into helping others. The guy, Mitchell Roberts, has a brother named Danny, who Ryder served with, and it’s through him that I now have a cabin at his place booked for the next month with an option to stay longer.
I’m not expecting to go to this place and be cured, but from what I’ve read, and been told, he’s successful at getting more of a normal life for anyone suffering with PTSD. Although I’m going there with hope, I’m also skeptical, but I’m determined to keep an open mind.
My stomach fills with dread when I think about what I’m embarking on, but he has a good success rate, so anything is worth a try at this point. It was Ryder who talked me into it by namely mentioning getting Savannah back. The thing is, she’d probably take me back tomorrow if I weren’t so damn ashamed of what I’ve done. She shouldn’t be the one being so forgiving, what I did to her was horrifying. After that night, I’m scared shitless of being with her.
At this point in my screwed up life, I’ll try about anything.
“How long do you want to sit here?” Ryder asks, breaking into my thoughts.
I’d forgotten he was with me, which is stupid really, considering he’s the one who drove me here. He’s been my rock this past week, which is another reason why I let Ryder talk me into going to this clinic.
Not only is he newly married, he also has a new daughter he needs to be with. Me going downhill and needing him is keeping him away from them, and I can’t do that to him anymore. In the past, it hasn’t mattered because he didn’t have them, but now I’m not going to be selfish.
I just have to get past the hurdle of talking to Savannah, and telling her I’m leaving and I don’t know when I’ll be back.
Inhaling for courage, I climb out of the truck, hesitating once I’m outside. My speech was all prepared, but now I can’t remember anything. I’m used to winging-it, but I have a feeling that isn’t going to save me now.
As I glance back at Ryder in the truck, I offer a smile, which probably looks more like a grimace if anything.
He shakes his head and indicates with his hand to get a move on. I’m going to be missing my flight if I don’t.
With my belly full of fire, I make my way to Savannah’s house, which is just around the corner from where Ryder parked his truck.
Savannah
The doorbell chimes as I’m hovering over the chair at the kitchen table, about to have breakfast.
My heart beats frantically in my chest with hope that it’s Jace on the other side, and this is nothing new. Every time I’ve heard the doorbell, I’ve run with enthusiasm only to be let down when it’s my uncle or some sales person. Today instead of running, I walk knowing realistically that it’s probably my uncle coming around to check on me, which he’s done most mornings this week.
He hasn’t mentioned seeing Jace at the station and I haven’t asked, although it’s been on the tip of my tongue.
Looking through the small window beside the front door, I get a shock when I see Jace nervously pacing on the front stoop.
Why is he here so early in the morning? Why is my heart sinking and my chin quivering?
Because you know he’s here to say goodbye.
Swallowing back my sorrow, I open the door and step back for him to enter.
No words come to me, and even if I could think of something to say to make him stay, I’m not sure I’ll be able to say anything without my tears flowing.
Jace hesitates before walking inside. Heading into the living room, he stands in front of the large bay window with his hands on his hips as he looks out.
At a guess, I’d say that he isn’t really seeing anything.
His posture is one of def
eat, with his shoulders drooping and his head dipped. My arms are itching to wrap around him and hold him close, but I’m not sure he’ll accept that or me.
With a sad smile, I take my usual seat in the corner chair near my bookcase, and wait for him to turn and face me.
After a few minutes of quiet thought, I whisper, “Jace.”
He starts as though I’ve startled him. “Are you all right?”
Facing me, he offers a soft smile. “I should be the one asking you that question?”
I ignore his comment, and indicate with my hand for him to sit on the sofa.
His large body sinks down into the soft cushions, and although he’s trying to appear relaxed, he isn’t. His hands twitch, along with his foot. Sitting forward, he rests his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands before finally meeting my gaze.
“I’m not sure what to say to you, Savannah,” he admits. “I had it all planned but the minute I was walking toward your house, everything deserted me.” He glances out the window before he’s looking back at me. “I owe you so much.” His eyes look pained as his skin pulls tight across his jaw.
“You don’t owe me anything, Jace.” I believe my words.
He shakes his head.
Before I can change my mind, I go down on my knees, and start to crawl over to him.
His eyes widen, and then he shifts to allow me room between his thighs.
“Jace, you have to listen to me. I’m not going to lie and pretend you didn’t frighten me, because you did. But you didn’t hurt me…and you made me come,” I admit, a blush creeping up my neck. “That wouldn’t have happened if you were hurting me, so please stop beating yourself up about it. It hurts me deeply that you think you raped me. You didn’t, Jace. I don’t feel violated. I only feel hopeless because I’m unable to help you. I love you.” At this point, tears are running down my face, but I’m too afraid to let go of his thighs to wipe them away, in case he escapes.
His own eyes are red-rimmed as he cups my face in his hands. “I love you, Savannah…which is why I can’t stay.”
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