Sinful

by Lexi Buchanan

  My heart fills with panic. I can’t accept that this is goodbye.

  “Listen to me, babe…I’m not promising anything, okay? Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to deliver. But I am going away to get help, and this time I promise to stick with it… If you need anything, get in touch with Ryder. He’ll know how to contact me.”

  He leans forward and kisses me on the forehead, leaving his lips against me before he pulls away. Helping me to my feet, he squeezes my hands, and walks to the front door.

  With his hand on the door handle, he looks over his shoulder, and whispers in a broken voice, “I love you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Jace

  Three months later…

  Every day seems to merge into one and the boredom has really started getting to me. On waking, the day becomes the same as the one that has just passed, and although I’m not the only one staying here, I’ve never felt so alone.

  When I first arrived, Mitchell Roberts had greeted me and shown me around his retreat. The place is set back from the main highway by about two miles, and the main buildings are on the bank of a large lake with nothing but clear skies and mountains on the horizon. The cabins are set back in the forest giving us, and anyone visiting, a semblance of privacy.

  There are set times to eat, set times to exercise, and set times for counseling—both as a group and privately. Other than that we can pretty much come and go as we please. I’ve seen other guys coming and going, but other than stocking up my own personal supplies, I haven’t gone anywhere.

  I still don’t feel that I deserve to go anywhere after what I did to Savannah. I don’t deserve a life with how I took her on the floor like an animal. She doesn’t see it the way that I do, which I can’t understand. She repeatedly says she loves me, even now. She tells Ryder frequently so that I know while I’m here but I still can’t understand how she can.

  I’ll always love her with everything in me, but I’m too disgusted with myself to even try and work through what happened with her. Hurting her again would kill me. I feel dead inside after what I’ve already done.

  The daily counseling sessions are helping, albeit gradually. Mitchell is easy to talk to, and he listens, which is why I’m more inclined to follow through on what he asks me to do at the end of each session, instead of blowing him off like I’ve done in the past with other counselors. The group sessions haven’t been easy and I’ve yet to talk about my own problems, but I’ve begun to realize that I’m not alone.

  Which is why I’m sitting at the small desk in my cabin with a pen in my hand and a sheet of stationery in front of me on the desk. Today’s ‘assignment’ is to write a letter to the person I consider that I’ve done wrong to.

  Mitchell won’t allow me to dwell on what I did, and he makes me squirm when he asks me Savannah’s version of events—it took me two weeks to tell him.

  He’s made me think, but every time I feel like I’m coming around to Savannah’s way of thinking, my brain shuts down and refuses to accept the version of events any other way.

  I’d done it and nothing will ever take that memory away from me, although, I sure as hell wish I could turn back the clock to before that night. And turn it back armed with the knowledge of what I know now.

  Sighing with tiredness, I realize that no matter how many times I go over it all in my head, the outcome is always the same…and I’ll always hate myself for it.

  So what do I write to the woman I love?

  Savannah

  I make myself a cup of coffee before retreating to the living room. I’ve been on edge ever since Ryder came by to see how I was doing, and to leave the letter with me. There is only one word scrawled on the front of the envelope, Savannah. I would know his handwriting anywhere, and although my first thought was to rip it open to see what he’d written, I’d placed it to the side until Ryder had left. I’d wanted privacy because I know whatever is written on the paper will cause my tears to flow.

  My heartache is there over the loss of Jace, and no matter how many times I tell myself, ‘at least he’s still alive’, the pain won’t leave.

  I know my uncle and friends are all concerned for me because I’ve lost weight, but I can’t find a way to reassure them. Instead, I go through life a shell of what I used to be…and it’s obvious with the bags under my eyes that I’m not sleeping well. But I’m trying. I really am.

  And now I have a letter from Jace.

  My fingers caress over the ink of my name that he’s written so beautifully on the envelope sitting in my lap. I wish that it were his skin and not his letter that was beneath my hand. My poor heart is fluttering in my chest with hope. Hope that he’s going to be coming back to me.

  Until I open the letter, I’m not going to know.

  Placing my cup of coffee onto the side table, I turn back to the letter and turn it over in my hands. After hugging it to my chest, and with a slight tremble to my hands, I tear the envelope open.

  Looking inside, I pull out the cream colored paper, and with my heart full of hope, I unfold the letter.

  Dear Savannah,

  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve tried to write you this letter and nothing I say is being written as I’d like. So please bear with me.

  It’s been three months, and every time I close my eyes, I see your beautiful face with tears of sorrow on the tips of your lashes. It breaks my heart knowing that I put them there.

  I hear your words in my dreams, but when I wake up in the morning, they’ve disappeared and been replaced with the cold, hard reality of what I did. You might not blame me, but I can’t stop blaming myself. I only wish I could for your benefit more than anything.

  I’m worried about you, Savannah. Ryder tells me you’re doing well, which I don’t believe because he refuses to meet my eyes when he says this.

  Please start to smile again. You mean the world to me and you always will. You take up a special place in my heart, which will always belong to you, and it will always ache for want of you. Don’t ever give up on your dreams, and enjoy your future. I wish I could tell you that your future will include me, but I can’t. I have no idea what my future holds while I’m trying to live one day to the next.

  No matter where I am, you’ll always be with me, just as I know that I’ll always be with you.

  Please look after yourself, Savannah, and grab hold of the life that you want and make it work. If anyone can do that, you can.

  I wish you every success with the adoption of Tammy. She’s a sweet child who deserves a fresh start in life with you because you have a lot of love to offer her.

  If you get the chance, can you check in on Catcher every now and again? Tell him, I’m so sorry I didn’t get to see him before I left town. I love that kid!

  Thank you for believing in me, and I’m sorry for letting you down.

  All my love,

  Jace x

  Silent tears trickle down my face as his letter rests on my lap. My hands continue to shake, knowing that he really has given up on our relationship. Nothing I’ve said, or can say, will change his mind. I see that now.

  I’m glad he wrote to me even though his words have hurt me deeply. I guess I was starting to wonder whether or not his love for me had been real, or a figment of my imagination, so…at least I now have my answer.

  I don’t want to move on with my life without him, but I don’t really have a choice, which he’s made me realize by mentioning Tammy and Charlie.

  Chapter Thirty

  Savannah

  Clouds hide the sun and the air is humid, which has sweat running down my back as the last boxes are loaded onto the truck by Ryder and my uncle.

  Two weeks ago, after months of heartache, I finally made the decision to move—not just house, but state. Once I received guardianship, I wasted no time starting the adoption process. Thanks to my uncle and his connections, they were able to cut through all the red tape and move my paperwork along. I’m truly amazed at how fast things can move when
favors are called in. Now, with the adoption being final, I decided we needed a fresh start, and that it wasn’t healthy for me to try and hold onto Jace when I don’t think he wants me to. It breaks my heart every time I think about him. The craving to have him in my arms is still with me and probably always will be. But I’m a Mom now and that means I have to move on regardless.

  It’s going to be harder than I initially thought, saying goodbye to my uncle and friends, but they’ve already been told that they’re welcome anytime. I really hope they take me up on that invitation as well, because I’m going to really miss them.

  But the fresh start has to happen away from the short life I led here with Jace. Everywhere I go reminds me of him, and there’s no getting away from the softball lessons my students have started having with a new coach.

  I never would have thought about moving away but for Karen. It was during one of our heart-to-hearts at Golden Circle, that she sat me down and told me to think about starting fresh somewhere else. I’d been shocked that she would suggest that as an option, but the seed had been planted. Two weeks later I’d found a medium-sized colonial style house in Cape Elizabeth, which was close to the beach and I knew it was meant to be.

  Jace hasn’t made contact since the letter I received three months earlier, and Ryder only tells me he’s ‘hanging in there’ whenever I ask. I still miss Jace with every breath I take, but I know that he wants me to move on. At this point I’m not sure how well that will work, but I’m finally in a place were I need to try, and succeed.

  An arm wraps around my shoulders, and I’m pulled into the heat of Ryder’s chest. “You’re making a big change to your life, Savannah.” He rests his chin on the top of my head as I wrap my arms around his waist. “You’re strong enough now, to try and move on, and I want you to know that I’ll always be a phone call away if you need anything.”

  My tears seep out of my eyes and start to soak into his T-shirt as words escape me. Ryder and Dahlia have been my rock following Jace’s departure from my life. Jace leaving hasn’t been easy on Ryder, either. Ryder misses his brother daily, and always looks forward to his weekly phone call to him on Sundays. I wish I had that, but I don’t and it hurts. In the beginning I’d felt jealous of Ryder, but not anymore. I doubt I’d be in a position to move on if I was living for Jace’s call each weekend.

  Hearing Tammy chattering, I pull away from Ryder and dry up my tears before she can see that I’ve been crying. I hate her seeing me with tears on my face because it makes her sad. That is something else that needs to change, and hopefully with our move it will.

  “You’re looking good, Savannah.” Ryder kisses me on the forehead before he wraps his arm around his wife’s waist.

  “Tammy, honey, do you have bunny ready to travel?” I ask, bending down and lifting her into my arms. She’s getting heavier but I still love to hold her close.

  “She’s in the car.” Tammy settles with her head on my shoulder, and sighs with contentment.

  “I’m looking forward to visiting you,” Dahlia states. “Make sure you sort your guest room out soon because I have a feeling it will be sooner than you think.” She grins.

  “I hope it will be.” I look around for the last time, and wait for my uncle to finish locking up so that we can say our goodbyes before I hit the road for the next chapter in my life.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Jace

  Two months later…

  Sitting on top of the sand dunes at Crescent Beach, Cape Elizabeth, I’m unrecognizable. My once whisker covered jaw is overgrown, and my clothes sag slightly from my weight loss.

  The past eight months have been difficult to get through. At least the last month has been easier because I’d made the decision to go back for the woman that I love.

  Ryder has been a bastard and refused to mention Savannah, since I sent her the letter, so I have no idea how she’s been or what she’s been up to. I’d wanted to know if she’d been awarded Tammy, or if she was involved with someone else. I have no clue and the lack of information has driven me crazy.

  I do know that Charlie has been adopted, and although it makes me sad that I couldn’t visit him when I’d finally gone home, five days ago, I’m happy that he now has a family. Karen had told me that much, but wouldn’t tell me anything else, other than he was with a loving family, and he now has a little sister. Karen can be damn evasive when she wants to be, so I discovered.

  But the one person who I’d dreamed about seeing every single morning, had left—moved away. Not one person—Ryder, Dahlia, Karen, or her uncle—would tell me why she’d moved. I did figure it had something to do with me, but I didn’t want to presume.

  I love my brother though, because he did come through for me and supplied her new address—Cape Elizabeth. The fact that he’d given me this information told me that she wasn’t seeing anyone else. I mean, he wouldn’t be so cruel, right?

  Sighing, I turn to look down the beach and watch as Savannah appears just like she has for the past two days like clockwork. The loneliness I see on her face gives me hope, and makes me want to rush down the dunes to tell her how much I still love her.

  Something has been holding me back, and I’m not sure whether it’s my fear of repeating that night with her, or my fear of rejection.

  I’d certainly deserve the rejection, but I’m not strong enough to walk away from her without trying.

  I’m going to do this…

  Savannah

  This is the one thing I look forward to doing every morning, walking along the beach. Regardless of the weather, we’re here for a morning walk to blow the cobwebs away, and frighten the seagulls that tend to have a birds meeting on the sand dunes.

  Batts is the one responsible for chasing the seagulls away. He’s a King Charles spaniel and loves to get into all sorts of trouble, sometimes to my dismay.

  We’re a family here in the Cape, except there is one person missing to make us complete…and that’s when I spot him walking toward us.

  I have to blink a few times to make sure he isn’t a figment of my imagination, but he’s still there.

  Jace looks so different as he walks toward us. His facial hair has grown into a short beard, and he looks to have lost some weight, like I have. I’d recognize him anywhere…and it appears the children do as well—my son and daughter—the adoption being final going on eight weeks.

  Charlie drops his bucket of water and small stones and races to Jace, wrapping his small arms around Jace’s waist when he makes contact. Jace pauses and then lifts Charlie up into his arms. I watch as Jace’s arms wrap around Charlie and he holds the child tightly, while Charlie is probably strangling the life out of him.

  Tammy is more hesitant and slides her small hand into mine.

  “Mommy,” she whispers, and I’ll never get tired of hearing her call me that.

  “Hmm.”

  “Is that Jace?”

  My feet start moving us toward him as I lift Tammy into my arms. She snuggles against me, but doesn’t take her eyes from Jace and Charlie.

  With my vision blurred, I watch as Jace puts Charlie back on his feet and takes Tammy into his arms.

  “I’ve missed you.” He strokes down her blonde hair and the tears leak from his eyes when she wraps her arms around him.

  Pulling back she adds, “I missed you too, but you’re not to leave Mommy again, because she cries sometimes.”

  “Yeah, a lot,” Charlie adds.

  I’m stunned because I had no idea the children could hear me, and I’m embarrassed that they’ve told Jace.

  He slowly places Tammy on the sand. “Charlie can you take Tammy over there,” he points to a spot on the beach away from the water, “so I can talk to Savannah?”

  “You won’t disappear again?” Charlie asks, and Jace winces.

  “I promise not to disappear again.”

  That’s good enough for Charlie, because he takes hold of Tammy’s hand. “C’mon.” They walk off together as we watch them go
, and I can’t help but smile at the pair—they are so cute.

  Jace looks at me and drinks me in, just like I’m doing with him, my vision dimming again with tears.

  I don’t need words right now, what I need is his arms around me.

  Stepping into him, I wrap my arms around his waist and sob into his chest when his arms hold me tightly against him. His cheek rests against the top of my head as we stand, for I don’t know how long, holding each other, keeping the children in sight.

  Jace slowly releases me from our close embrace and cups my face. His forehead drops to mine. “Please hear me out before you say anything, okay?”

  I nod.

  “I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to say I’m cured of PTSD, hell, I’m not even sure it’s curable, but right now, I can say I’m handling it better. I’m nervous about being around anyone else when I sleep, which is why,” he sighs, “I’m renting the house next door to you, here in Cape Elizabeth. I want everything with you, and if you’ll have me back, we’ll have to take one day at a time. Sometimes it won’t be all that easy, but I love you, Savannah. You’re the only reason I made it through my time away—once my thoughts turned to getting you back in my life, there was no stopping me.”

  My tears won’t stop flowing, but my heart, for the first time in eight months, feels lighter. I don’t have to think about what he’s asking because I’ve missed him so much. The children have, although it’s been Charlie who is always asking, “When is Jace coming home?” And now our family is going to be complete.

  There has never been a question as to me wanting Jace to be part of our future as a family, and hopefully, in a few years, we can add to that. The only question has ever been, when is he going to come home?

  With my tears starting to dry up, I cup his bearded jaw, and offer him a watery smile. “I love you, and nothing in life worth having is easy.”

  Placing a gentle kiss to my lips, Jace then takes my hand as we walk to collect our children.