Nobody's Hero

by Melanie Harvey

  Carolyn swallowed. “Why won’t you tell me?”

  “You reneged.”

  “On what?”

  “You said you’d ask me. If you didn’t know something.”

  “I tried! You wouldn’t answer me! I asked you — ”

  “Because you knew the answer! You knew goddamn well I wasn’t gonna tell you to give up your life for me!” His fist slammed into the wall. “Goddamn it, Carolyn — you’re the only one in the whole fucking world who would know that!”

  In the midst of the angry words that didn’t echo, she finally grasped it. Her mouth opened, but she couldn’t speak.

  Rick’s gaze steadied, along with his voice. “That’s why I don’t answer questions. Why should I be loading up the gun that’s gonna get pointed at my head?”

  “I thought — you said it was about asking — ”

  “No, that’s just the goddamn insult. Bribe me to keep my mouth shut instead of just asking? Oh, but you did ask. So instead of knowing what the fuck’s really going on, you play me into thinking I’m some kind of goddamn hero for giving you exactly what you wanted in the first place!”

  “That’s not what I — ”

  “Oh yeah? Just like out behind those microphones back there? Why the fuck you change your mind now?’

  “Because — ”

  “And it ain’t like The Simpsons?” He pointed his right index finger to his temple. “No. I guess not.” His hand jerked from his head, synchronized with the pop that came from his mouth. “That was a nice one, Carolyn.”

  The sarcasm of his compliment rang in her ears, but she couldn’t respond because she didn’t know why he was so bitterly impressed. Her hands covered her face to block out the look on his. The room was deadly quiet, she heard a buzz that she couldn’t identify.

  But she heard him, and she remembered when he’d said that.

  I don’t do teenagers, redheads, or black girls.

  She started to shake her head, started to say she was just reminding him that he was right, it had always worked out, they’d done this over and over and if he’d just remember that, if he’d just give her a chance to explain.

  He thought she meant he owed her. Carolyn took a deep breath. “So. Are you gonna hear me out?”

  Rick shrugged. “Wasn’t that the point?”

  “No,” she said. “It wasn’t. But you won’t believe that either. Because the point is, I always trusted you, even though everything in me said not to. But I had to prove every word I said to you wasn’t a lie.”

  He started to shake his head, and she would have laughed if she wasn’t so close to crying, and for all of his rage that she knew she’d never break through, she also knew that she’d hurt him as much as he was hurting her, and she couldn’t keep herself from saying it again.

  “I didn’t love you any less, Rick.”

  54: But It Ain’t About Luck

  After her words died, the stillness felt so absolute that Rick held his breath rather than disturb it. He stared at her, backlit by the blue sound waves frozen on the monitor. Something buzzed in his ear, and he almost jumped, but it was only the dimmer switch for the lights. As if it had stung him into reality, everything finally sank in.

  He’d been wrong before. “Carolyn — ”

  The door swung open and Zeus — then Jesse, then Terrance, the engineer and even Louis and Barbie walked in — and the buzzing was drowned out in the noise of their chatter.

  “Goddamn reporters,” Zeus was saying. “Where do they come up with those dumb-ass questions? If I was beefing with somebody, they’d have damn … ” He trailed off when he saw Rick. “There you are. You ready?”

  Rick shook his head, but Zeus was never really asking. Ashley walked over to Carolyn and he saw them talking to each other, and he couldn’t do anything about it when they started to leave. She glanced at him on her way out the door.

  “Wait.”

  She turned to look. So did everybody else.

  Rick glanced around. “Can I talk to … ”

  The answer was clear in her eyes. If he’d ever been more certain of anything in his life it was that this was the last time he’d see her. It was all he could do in the face of the damned audience to keep the agony off his face.

  Carolyn’s eyes flicked around before they steadied on him. “Good luck, Rick.”

  Ashley pulled open the door, and Carolyn caught it behind her.

  “But it ain’t about luck,” he called.

  Her back stiffened. When she turned her head, he could tell she was sorry she’d ever said a word to him at all. Rick shot one quick look around, caught Terrance’s eye, then Jesse’s, and if it was just them, but it wasn’t, all these other people, so he couldn’t say a damn thing.

  “I got one question,” he said. “That’s all.”

  After a second, she gave him a tight nod. Some of the relief he felt was countered by the race of his thoughts, battling off the impulse to ask for one more chance, one more time.

  He wasn’t getting that, but maybe he could get the last piece of the puzzle that wouldn’t work itself out in his mind. He didn’t know why it mattered.

  “Why the hypothetical? Instead of just asking the question?”

  Her hand tightened on her purse strap. “Because I didn’t really want to know the answer.”

  He didn’t get it, and she must have seen how confused he was.

  “It was everything you ever wanted,” she whispered.

  “No, no, no! I told you what I wanted!”

  Too desperate, and everyone else in the goddamn studio heard it, too. He didn’t look around to verify that; he watched Carolyn shake her head, like she didn’t remember.

  “Tomorrow?” Rick gritted his teeth. “And the day after that, and the day after that? I know you heard me.”

  Tears flooded her eyes, and he didn’t know what else to do.

  “Please.” He nodded toward the recording booth. “Just one minute.”

  She glanced at the others in the studio who were pretending to be busy, and finally took a small step toward the booth. Rick exhaled as he held the door for her. It swung shut and he could see Jesse watching him through the glass, but he couldn’t do anything about that.

  He turned his back. “Thanks. Feels better in here.”

  “Well, as long as you’re feeling better.”

  “Oh, okay, you’re mad.”

  She looked it too. He tried not to smile, but it hardly mattered. She’d always seen it.

  “You think this is funny?”

  “No, not really, I just … ”

  He stopped when her purse hit the floor and she started toward him. That flash of gold …

  “One minute. I shouldn’t give you one more minute of my life.”

  … and she was a foot away from him. Probably not his best card to play, telling her how much she was turning him on. “I do agree with you on that.”

  “You have some nerve, Rick Ranière.”

  He did, and he proved it when he caught her in his arms.

  “Let go of me.”

  He didn’t, and she struggled to get away from him. “Carolyn, listen. Please.” She stopped fighting, but when she lifted her face, he would have preferred the anger to the pain.

  She turned away, and Rick closed his eyes, breathed in the scent of her hair. She’d been doing it for him. “Christ, Carolyn, I couldn’t even imagine — ”

  “You didn’t have to imagine, you could have — ”

  “Asked you? Who’s hanging double-standards now?” He eased his hold on her stiff body, and she didn’t pull away. “But I did tell you, so you didn’t have to ask.”

  “People say all kinds of things when they’re naked.”

  “Not me!” She stiffened, and he couldn’t let go, all he could do was lower his voice. “You always believed me. Why did you stop believing me?”

  Her voice was muffled against his shoulder. “It was only five days.”

  No, it was longer than that, it had to h
ave been … five days. “But when you’re in a Mazerati it feels … .”

  “What Mazerati?”

  “Just a metaphor I was … never mind. I mean, I’m no good with time.”

  “I knew you wouldn’t want a contract like that, so you’d say no, but I wanted it so bad for you.”

  He felt her shake, and he pulled her against him.

  “Why did you turn it down?” she asked.

  A quarter-million dollar budget. He sighed. “I wouldn’t have before, I’d have signed it without even thinking. And I don’t know if I’d have ever realized that it hadn’t proved anything.”

  She lifted her head. He felt the same way when he saw the tears on her face. She reached up to wipe them away. Her tongue touched her lip to catch one, and he caught it too, felt her hands in his hair and it only doubled the electricity. He’d never be able to write it.

  Rick ran his hands over her back. “I’m sorry.”

  “I should have told you,” she said.

  “I agree with you on that.”

  She smiled, a little. “Why’d you say all that to the reporters?”

  “I don’t know. I just had to protect you. Or at least try.”

  She looked at him for a second, then her hand closed into a fist against his chin.

  “You’re welcome,” he said, and she smiled again. “Least you can still get your career back.”

  “No, I’m done with all that. I have other plans.”

  “You’re going to finish the stories? Do what you really want?”

  She nodded, and maybe Jesse was right, maybe he hadn’t been all bad for her. “Good,” he said. “Good.”

  It seemed like everything was settled, then, but he still couldn’t let her go. He didn’t know if he’d get another shot. “Are you going home now?”

  “My parents’ house.” She smirked. “Homeless, unemployed and probably broke when the lawsuits are done.” Facetious. Usually at an inappropriate time, and he couldn’t respond for a second, which turned out to be too long.

  The door shoved open and Zeus was behind it. “Sorry, man. I need you.”

  He looked sorry, but Rick wasn’t sure if that was for interrupting or for the advantage Carolyn took of it, to slip away from him. Rick knew what he was sorry about, audience or no audience. He watched her pick up her purse. It really was okay; he had his words back; she seemed happy about the direction she was going; nobody was hating anybody.

  And only the nightmares were real.

  Zeus lifted his eyebrows.

  Rick sighed. “Guess it is my record.”

  Zeus nodded, because yeah, it was. He lifted his chin to Carolyn. “Thanks for voting my side on that song.”

  Carolyn shrugged. “I don’t know what he’s worried about. Who’d believe he wrote that?”

  Zeus grinned even though it wasn’t funny, even though it was probably true. Rick felt his stomach shift again, and he was going to be sick again. Any minute.

  Zeus tapped his watch before he turned and left for the outer studio, expecting Rick to turn on the microphone. Any minute.

  When he moved forward, Carolyn shifted back a step. He stopped and checked the window. Nobody was looking, and that seemed to help with no logic behind it at all.

  He only had a minute. “Well, you believe I wrote it, don’t you?”

  She looked away and there was no consolation in knowing he could only go up from here, because for the rest of his life he would never fuck anything up this bad.

  She started for the door.

  “Don’t go.”

  She shook her head. “You have to work.”

  She was going home. He didn’t even know where. “Carolyn.”

  He risked another step forward. She turned her head. “I can’t live like this.”

  “You won’t have to, I swear I’ll never — ”

  “Yes, you will.” Her voice was strained. “You’ll misunderstand me and you’ll believe the worst possible thing about me, and — ”

  “And then I’ll realize I was wrong and then you’ll forgive me, and then, you know...” He could only think of one thing. “The sex will be so good.”

  She covered her laugh, and when she looked at him again, he knew that she still wanted to trust him. He closed up the distance between them.

  Rick pulled her hand away. She wasn’t smiling, her bottom lip was trembling. “I know the deal sucks on your end, you deserve better — ”

  She threw her arms around him with a force that staggered his footing.

  “There’s nobody better than you.”

  And his heart. He swallowed hard, but couldn’t clear whatever was caught in his throat. He felt her shake and thought maybe she was crying, but when she looked up, she was laughing.

  “Rick, I told you that in the beginning.”

  “No, you said ‘now that’s his problem?’”

  Her hand covered his mouth. “After that.”

  “After that, you said — ”

  She pressed harder. “I didn’t know you then.”

  He wasn’t sure how knowing him worked in his favor, but when she let go of his mouth, he kissed her anyway. Then he searched her eyes, and as hard as he looked he couldn’t find a trace of anything negative, all that was left was good.

  She was really quiet, though. “You ain’t said you’ll stay.”

  “Rick!”

  Zeus. Shit. “I know, time runs like water. Just one more second.” He took a deep breath. “Don’t make me go back to work without — ”

  “Yes.”

  She couldn’t hide her smile over how his entire body sagged because she kind of caught him. He kissed her, Zeus or no Zeus, before he turned around. “I was thinking maybe I’ll do better if we finish this up tomorrow.”

  “Ah, no. Hell no.”

  “Then how ’bout we break for like an hour?”

  Carolyn gasped, and Rick grinned, but Zeus glared. “Now.”

  Rick sighed, and Zeus shot him one more look before he took his annoyance out of the booth with him. Rick glanced through the window, caught Jesse’s mouth open and realized what he was seeing through the window.

  Carolyn saw him, too. She grinned, and he pulled her into his arms. How do you do that? Make me feel like everything will be okay, even when it isn’t?

  It was now though. She buried her face in his neck, and he felt the draft on his neck, felt her chest rise. Inhaling.

  He grinned. “That new theory don’t work, by the way.”

  She groaned. “I can’t believe I said that on television.”

  He saw Jesse over Carolyn’s shoulder, and he smiled. Terrance was on the phone, so Kale knew everything now. Zeus didn’t look too happy. Carnage was chomping at the bit to get this album dropped. The media burn would smolder out too soon to wait.

  Rick moved his mouth to Carolyn’s ear. “I wish I had more. But I don’t, it’s crappy motel rooms and second-rate venues, and I don’t know if it’ll ever be better than that.”

  She looked up at him, and he couldn’t meet her eyes. She pulled him back, with her hand to his chin. “Are you going to be there?”

  Rick took a deep breath. “Only if you can live with it the way it is. If not, maybe I can … ”

  Her eyes lit with a fire hotter than he’d seen before. “Don’t. You. Dare. I can take just about anything from you, Rick Ranière, but I will never be able to stand it if you believe that I would want you to … that I would even ask you to … ” Her voice shook. “To live in some kind of alternate universe where — ”

  Tears filled her eyes, he was so close, it seemed like he could feel them in his own.

  “I want you,” she said. “And I want my seat on the ice.”

  He swallowed hard, and it took a few more breaths before he could speak. “I don’t know if that’s ever gonna happen. Meantime, I can maybe get some from the bartenders. But you can’t slip on it, ’cause I ain’t got no insurance, either.”

  She pressed her lips to his cheek. “I promise
I’ll be very careful.”

  Epilogue

  Re: Ricky Rain

  New Thread started 07-12-2007

  >>>>>>>>>>>Anybody seen him lately?

  >>>>>>>>>>In Tulsa last weekend. Rocked. Did you read Mary’s “biography”?

  >>>>>>>>He should of dumped that bitch after 1 night. Are his rules all the same?

  >>>>>>>Different. You can have him, if you look like Carolyn Ranière and her name’s on your drivers license. Scorpion still cheats though.

  >>>>>>Carolyn Ranière? R U kidding? He married her?

  >>>>> like a minute after that whole thing with her last year, where u been? & he doesn’t cheat. he’s a lot nicer tho

  >>>>not always! my bf was backstage during his last tour and saw some ho reach for ricky’s pants. wow. but ur right, mostly hes nicer. just don’t grab his dick.

  >>>I just heard Carolyn was pregnant.

  >>She was! That’s why this tour started late, waiting for their baby to get born. Carolyn brought her to my dad’s record store before the show in Houston.

  >You saw his baby? What’s she look like? What’s her name?

  She’s Adorable. Her name’s Evelyn Aiesha Ranière. Ricky said he thought it was kind of a mouthful, but Carolyn said he was her daddy, so she could probly handle it.

  The End

  To my lovely reader:

  So thanks! For reading to the end! Unless you did it just so you could give me a one-star review on Amazon, and then, srsly, go look, there’s plenty there already. It’s been done, so do something original— tell me how horrible it is personally!

  Really. Email me at mel@melanieharvey.com and just let me have it. That’ll be enough for all of us, I promise.

  Also if you want to see if I can possibly get any worse, I’ve included at the end of this kindle version a preview of my next novel, Iced Out. Who knows? Maybe you’ll hate that one too!

  To everyone who read because they liked it, thanks to you, too. And you, please, run, don’t walk, to Amazon.com to tell everyone how much you liked it. And email me. Life’s not easy, praise helps. Maybe you should send an email to someone who’s done more for you than write a book you liked, now that I think about it. Or you could do both!