Stay Where I Can See You

by Katrina Onstad

  Dedication

  FOR MIMI, WHEN WE’RE OLDER

  Epigraph

  NOTHING WOULD GIVE UP LIFE:

  EVEN THE DIRT KEPT BREATHING A SMALL BREATH.

  —THEODORE ROETHKE, “ROOT CELLAR”

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Summer

  Chapter 1

  Fall

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Winter

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Spring

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Summer

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Fall

  Chapter 19

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Gwen,

  I heard your news. Remember Gus from the bar? He sent me a link. I didn’t believe it at first but it was definitely you in the picture. Just with a new name. Older but you. That’s a lot of money. It’s not quite right to say congratulations when it’s only luck that you won and someone else didn’t.

  It looks like we both left the city. I went north for a few years and then I tried to find you. Did you ever try to find me?

  Hard to imagine you as a mother and a wife. I wonder if your husband knows what you were like before.

  I’m back in the city now. Come meet me. We should talk. I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt. I never wanted that.

  I wanted to say also that I did love you. Sometimes over the years I wondered if you knew, and if you ever loved me back.

  Summer

  1

  GWEN

  In black marker, the cheque read: $9,961,176.80. Gwen cradled the left side, and Seth the right. The cheque was the size of a twin bedsheet and as light. Gwen imagined walking toward Seth and folding it in half, then quarters, until they met in the middle. But part of the deal, she’d been told, was that she couldn’t let go until the photos were done. So she stood far away from him, across the landscape of the cheque, trying to catch her husband’s gaze. He was grim-faced and mildly squinting beneath his glasses, staring straight ahead. She recognized the expression from terrible moments in the car, swerving in ice and snow with the kids in the back seat, preserving all of their futures with only his reflexes.

  In the centre of the crowd, Eli jumped up and down and waved. Next to him, Maddie nodded, frowning.

  Phones flashed. Gwen smiled too late.

  “Would you like to keep it?” asked a purposeful young woman in a blazer, and Gwen said: “The money?” The woman laughed and said: “No, the novelty cheque.”

  “Oh. I don’t think so.”

  Seth excused himself to use the restroom.

  “Are you a lucky person?” a reporter asked Gwen.

  Gwen looked at him. She had never considered herself lucky or unlucky. She was ambivalent about magic shows, and believed psychics were hucksters. But she had helped her daughter craft a dreamcatcher one afternoon when Maddie was small. She’d strung it by the kitchen window where it twirled calmly for years, its web and feathers gathering dust and light, hinting at something fantastic and unknowable. Then Maddie became a teenager and declared that white people with dreamcatchers were committing cultural genocide. Gwen took it down.

  “Of course I’m lucky,” said Gwen, and the reporter snapped a picture of her with his phone.

  “Very lucky,” added Seth, who was at her side again, his hairline damp.

  Gwen could picture him in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, splashing water on his face, holding on.

  “Put your arm around her,” directed the reporter.

  Gwen thought about all the different winners who had been in this banquet room. The same lottery officials and photographers would show up for someone else next week, but this week, they were celebrating the Kaplans for the achievement of random good fortune. Still, Gwen knew that someone in the room—maybe many people, maybe most people—sensed that what the family deserved and what had happened were out of alignment. The lottery stories that people loved were both simpler and darker: parents of an ill child in need of experimental medical treatment; the widower with the foreclosure notice nailed to his door. A waitress who picked the numbers based on her dead daughter’s birthday—that was something to get behind. That deserved a lump in the throat. Theirs wasn’t even a very dramatic amount, by certain standards, curtailed as it was just below the magic $10 million. It was enough money to attract only the one reporter from a community paper in their suburb, seventy minutes northwest of the city through traffic.

  A young man in a soiled dress shirt began collecting empty water bottles and half-eaten pieces of cake. Gwen searched his face for judgment. But he rattled the sticky grey plastic bin and left the room without looking back, and Gwen was relieved.

  The woman had asked her the wrong question. It’s not: Do you believe in luck? But: Have you ever been poor? Gwen doubted that she would have answered honestly, because over there stood Maddie and Eli. She had shared the contours of her past with Seth, but he met Gwen later, when she had a low-paying job as a receptionist at a dentist’s office—regular poor, not street poor.

  But if Gwen were moved to truth, she would tell the reporter: Once I sat on a street corner not far from here, holding out an empty coffee cup, next to a sign handwritten in ballpoint pen: PREGNANT AND HUNGRY (and only the latter part of that was true).

  That was a long time ago. Gwen had arrived at the lottery offices in a minivan that she cleaned last week at a gas station, vacuuming up crumbs and scrubbing at the mysterious stain on the back seat. Look what I’ve pieced together.

  Gwen imagined staring the reporter in the eye and saying it loudly: Look at this life of accidents and tell me how to feel about luck.

  * * *

  It took several minutes before the waiter appeared. He ran through the specials, gazing at a point in the distance, and poured the water so quickly that it sloshed over the rim of Gwen’s glass.

  “We should’ve brought the big cheque,” said Seth. “Then we’d get the big service.”

  “Can I order the lobster?” asked Eli.

  “I don’t think Dad wants you to get lobster,” said Gwen.

  “Since when?” Seth said.

  Gwen looked through Seth’s streaky glasses and said: “Never have I seen you want lobster, or consider lobster, or regret not getting it.”

  “It’s always too expensive. But not tonight.”

  “Okay, I’m going to get it, and eat its little claws!” announced Eli. Gwen saw Seth’s eyelids flutter.

  “Don’t get it,” she said. “It makes Dad uncomfortable. Get the steak.”

  “Why no lobster again? I forget.”

  “Because of God and the scuttling creatures at the bottom of the ocean,” said Maddie. “I just want a salad.”

  “I’ll get the steak,” said Eli. “Probably shouldn’t eat what scuttles.”

  Seth ordered a bottle of wine from the bottom half of the wine list, though not the very bottom. When he and Gwen clinked their glasses, she saw again that flash of terror in his eyes, but by the second bottle, her husband was slippery with glee.

  “So what are your dreams for yourself?” Seth asked, poking at his grapefruit givré. Eli and Maddie looked up from their gelato.

  “Seth, that’s an impossible question,” said Gwen, but she li
ked that he had asked it. Someone who knew him less well might measure Seth’s slow nods and long pauses and conclude that he was meek, but Gwen knew there was boldness in him where it mattered. At a party, Seth would glance around a room to see who was alone and make a beeline to provide comfort. Kindness moved him to action.

  “This isn’t really that much money—” Seth continued.

  Eli guffawed. “Yeah, right!”

  “And Mom and I are going to discuss what to do with it in a responsible way, but there’s a little room for dreaming. Don’t think too hard, just answer the question, first thing that comes into your head: What’s the dream you have that you can’t make real without money?”

  Eli answered quickly: “I want to see the Habs play the Leafs, and I want you to fix the game so the Habs slaughter them and I get to sit in a box with a Slurpee and laugh.”

  “Done,” said Gwen.

  Maddie was quiet. Gwen noticed that she hadn’t finished her ice cream.

  “Mads? Any illicit fantasies?” asked Seth.

  “Not really. I guess this will make university tuition a bit . . . easier.”

  “Come on, don’t be so practical!” Seth reached across the table as if he was going to muss her hair, then thought better of it, and pulled his hand back.

  Don’t stop touching her, Gwen thought. Don’t be afraid of her growing up. Maddie’s body took up so much more space than it had even a year ago, but she was always trying to fold it up, hanging her head into her chest, standing with her legs crossed tightly. Her hands, large and strong, were often half hidden under the cuffs of her shirtsleeves. She remained determined, a kid who always did her homework on Friday night as if leaving it until Sunday was reckless—what if she needed more time and there wasn’t any? But Maddie’s doggedness, which Gwen usually admired, lately seemed depressingly adult in nature—a drive to get things done solely for the grim satisfaction of completion. Gone was the impatient, buzzing little girl, face tilted high. At least once a week, the whiplash speed of her daughter’s transformation took Gwen’s breath away.

  “I need to think about the impractical thing,” said Maddie.

  “You’ll get back to us,” said Seth, turning his body to his wife. “My dear, rich wife?”

  Gwen spoke quietly: “The city.” She watched Seth’s face, blank for a moment, then a slow smile. Gwen smiled back, relieved. Now they were conspirators, united against the life they had claimed was chosen. So Seth had wanted it, too, thought Gwen, and pictured the two of them side by side brushing their teeth at night and in the morning, and again at night, and never saying out loud that they secretly wished to be elsewhere. She was touched. He had loved her enough to pretend.

  “We’re moving?” said Maddie.

  “I don’t want to leave my friends,” said Eli. “I made select.”

  “They have soccer in the city, too,” said Gwen.

  Seth pushed his empty plate away and dropped his fork with an emphatic clang. “Let’s go for a ride.”

  MADDIE

  Outside the restaurant, the evening stretched on under a blushing summer sky. People pushed past on naked thighs and calves. Joggers. Strollers. Gwen and Seth stood still on the sidewalk. Maddie thought they looked like brother and sister: pale and the same middle height—not short, not tall. The grooves around their mouths and eyes were amplified by the sun. Her father’s mess of brown curls swung in all directions. Her mother’s long hair was already streaked with grey, but she wasn’t even forty; she was always the youngest mom among the moms.

  There was a movie theatre across the street, and Maddie moved closer to a couple looking at the marquee, then back to their phones, reading reviews to each other: “It only gets seventy-four on Rotten Tomatoes,” said the woman. “This guy posted: ‘Elegant, almost obscene filmmaking.’ I don’t even know what that means.”

  They were only a few years older than Maddie, but had passed through to the other side. They had graduated university, maybe. They had jobs, and were on a date. They had made a plan, decided what to wear, and would sit in the dark theatre together, knees touching. It was all so close, Maddie thought. Coming at her. Careening.

  Grade 11 had been the year she became alert to flesh. She would walk through the halls of school and feel the boys walking by as if they were passing through her, their skin and bone soldered with her skin and bone for a brief moment, and then they would pull apart, leaving traces. She had to close her eyes to bear it, breathe steady. This wasn’t just one boy, either, but all of them: the loners, the flat-eyed jocks, the boys in the sweatpants trying to hide their erections. All of them brought Maddie to a throb; then that feeling blurred with disgust, serrated at the edges and brown at the centre. She was zipped inside a suit of longing. She couldn’t get out of it. She had the terrible feeling that one day she would step out of her skin and scream: See? This is what I am! But then, she was sure, she would crumble, just soft pieces falling down, down, and her mother would be there, frantically trying to put her back together. What’s wrong with you? Maddie asked herself. What’s wrong with your head?

  Her friend Emma had gone out with Liam R. for four months. Maddie had watched closely, mourning Emma’s absence, scanning her phone to make sense of it. Emma wasn’t sure but she decided to sleep with him anyway in the fourth month. It wasn’t her first time: Emma had shrewdly arranged a one-off at camp the summer before to take the heat off. “The first time’s going to be terrible anyway,” she’d told Maddie. “So why not do it with someone you don’t really care about?”

  Emma’s waiting with Liam R. wasn’t just a prude thing, but a suspicion that Liam, with his fast-blinking eyes, was stupid, and possibly cruel. Emma eventually succumbed, and they had sex she described as weird and porn-y (he didn’t want her to look at him; he left a handprint on her bum, etc.). A week later, he invited someone else to prom—a grade 10! Emma returned quietly to the group of kids who had been her friends for years. Maddie couldn’t comfort her because she had never had sex, and so she couldn’t recognize the place her friend had been wandering, only that she returned from there changed. All her friends who had had sex seemed this way after: relieved and tired, mildly victorious. Maddie ached with curiosity. She wanted to get it done.

  “Dad says we’re leaving the van in the lot.” Eli popped up next to her. He was born with wheels instead of feet. He was everywhere. “He said he ‘accidentally tied one on.’ One what? What did they tie, Mads? What accident?”

  Maddie expressed her irritation with her brother’s bouncy chatter by ignoring him.

  Seth waved his arm and a taxi stopped. Maddie was surprised how easy this looked: every third car was a taxi. She had only been in a taxi four times in her life.

  “Take us to the nicest houses in the city,” said Seth to the driver.

  “We might buy one!” said Eli.

  “You got cash?”

  Seth passed the driver a credit card.

  The taxi smelled like candy. A small ceramic elephant swung from the rear-view mirror.

  “Tell me where to go. I’m no real estate agent,” said the driver.

  Maddie watched the elephant and wondered if all taxi drivers were as angry as this one.

  “Let’s start with Forest Hill,” said Seth.

  “Really?” said Gwen. “Isn’t that a bit posh?”

  The taxi hacked a path through traffic, rushing them down an alley, then darting back into the stream of traffic on Yonge Street. Maddie rolled down the window. Electronics shops, Shoppers Drug Marts, McDonald’s—so in the city you get all the same chains as in the suburbs, but just more of them, thought Maddie. The stores repeated themselves every few blocks, with lines of bodies marching in one door, out the other. You get so many people.

  A cyclist wearing a little cap and a courier bag across his chest smacked the taxi’s back door with his fist. Jarred, Maddie leaned back from the open window. “Goddamn you! Share the road, fuckwit!” screamed the cyclist, his thick, hairy leg at the window, pumping. />
  “FUCK YOU!” screamed the cabbie, speeding up, leaving the cyclist behind. “Fucking bicycles!”

  Eli was delighted, and Gwen gave him a disapproving shake of her head.

  Ascending out of downtown, Maddie watched tail lights curving ahead, a car moving up the hill as if it might achieve lift-off toward the sky. They turned. The houses came into view and the neighbourhood streets were empty. Red brick and gable. Twin lions crouched on a porch like giant salt and pepper shakers.

  “See that driveway? It’s probably heated. In the winter, they don’t have to shovel. The electricity just melts the ice away,” said Seth.

  “Let’s go south,” said Gwen.

  “Look at that brass roof,” said Seth. “It needs to be polished. That’s the problem with brass roofs. Lot of upkeep.”

  This made her parents giggle, for some reason. Maddie watched her mother reach out and stroke the back of her father’s neck.

  Soon there were no more sidewalks. The houses were so big that an entire block held only three or four of them. Maddie leaned out the window. Trees reached taller than the houses, still in the night heat that hit her face. It was quieter than she knew the city could be. Maddie breathed deep.

  “Stop the car,” said Gwen.

  “You pay—” the driver snapped.

  “Keep the motor running.”

  The taxi pulled up in front of a stone house set far back, with vines spilling over the roof, curtaining the windows, making Maddie think of hidden princesses. The house was empty. Electricity buzzed around them. Maddie could feel it shooting out of overhead wires and closed-circuit cameras, and red security eyes blinking in doorways. There was no human sound besides theirs.

  Maddie’s parents spilled out, followed by Eli. Maddie hesitated in the back seat, watching them. In the centre of the driveway was a large lawn with a fountain. A shot of water exploded, then ceased. The three of them stood looking at the water spiking and retreating.

  Maddie opened the door and went to join them.

  “Penis fountain,” said Eli.

  “Gross,” said Maddie.