Dork Diaries 6: Tales From a Not-So-Happy Heartbreaker

by Rachel Renée Russell

  That’s when Brianna brought out Miss Penelope.

  A smile spread across Oliver’s face as he quickly pulled his tattered Mr. Buttons sock puppet from his pocket. Within seconds Miss Penelope was showing Mr. Buttons Brianna’s Princess Sugar Plum spaceship.

  “I’m an astronaut, and I’ve been all over the galaxy! Wanna see my moon dust?” Mr. Buttons asked.

  “You actually have REAL moon dust?!!” Miss Penelope exclaimed.

  Oliver Mr. Buttons reached into Oliver’s pocket and dumped a small pile of sand and rocks on the floor . . . .

  MR. BUTTONS SHOWS OFF HIS MOON DUST

  “COOL!” Miss Penelope gushed in amazement.

  I couldn’t believe my eyes! Soon Miss Penelope and Mr. Buttons were having so much fun laughing, playing, and running around that Brianna and Oliver joined in too.

  The two four of them took a trip to Mars and had a conversation in an alien language. Then they hunted for the tooth fairy in the jungle while riding on dinosaurs.

  Since Miss Penelope had both of the munchkins under control (Brianna was right, she WAS a pretty good sitter!), I decided to chillax by having a snack and writing in my diary.

  Everything was going great until I heard Oliver crying. Apparently, Mr. Buttons was missing. Brianna insisted that he had been KIDNAPPED by the tooth fairy!

  Oliver was SUPERupset. “I w-want Mr. B-Buttons! He’s my b-best f-friend!” he wailed.

  Soon Brianna and Miss Penelope started to cry too. “Mr. Buttons is g-gone f-forever!”

  It looks like I’ll have to finish this diary entry later. Right now I have a babysitting emergency on my hands!!

  I’ve heard how people can end up emotionally scarred for life simply by losing their favorite security blanket or toy as a little kid.

  Which probably explains why a lot of the kids at my middle school are so MESSED UP!

  But what am I supposed to do in a situation like this? Call 911 and report a missing dirty sock named Mr. Buttons?!

  !!

  (TO BE CONTINUED . . . )

  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16

  Now, where was I (tapping chin and thinking) . . . ?

  Okay . . . Mr. Buttons was missing! And Oliver, Brianna, and Miss Penelope were having a simultaneous meltdown.

  We looked EVERYWHERE! And still couldn’t find that stupid sock. I knew socks had a nasty habit of disappearing in the dryer. But I had no idea how one could just vanish into thin air.

  “Nikki! You’re the babysitter!” Brianna screamed. “Do something! And do it NOW!”

  I was like, Oh. No. She. DIDN’T!! “Really?! So I’M the babysitter now that Mr. Buttons is LOST and everyone is CRYING?!” I yelled at Brianna. “Personally, I think this is all Miss Penelope’s fault. Tell HER to go find Mr. Buttons!”

  But since I WAS the mature, responsible older sister, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

  After rummaging through my sock drawer, I found an old mismatched sock with ruffles and lace. I grabbed a black marker and drew on a face. Then I stapled on some yarn for hair, dabbed on some cherry-red lip gloss, and BAM!! A new puppet was born. I called her Maxine. Mainly because she was as UGLY as Max the Roach. (Max is a six-foot-long hideous-looking plastic roach bolted to the top of my dad’s bug extermination van.)

  Although, with the big hair, long eyelashes, fancy lace and ruffles sock outfit, clueless expression, and five thick layers of lip gloss, she bore a striking resemblance to . . . NEVER MIND. I rushed back into the family room to introduce Maxine to Oliver.

  “Oliver, please don’t cry!” Maxine pleaded in a squeaky voice. “Everything will be okay. I promise!”

  “Wh-who are you?” Oliver sniffed.

  “I’m Mr. Buttons’s older sister. My name is Maxine. Nice to meet you!”

  “Wow! You’re Mr. Buttons’s SISTER?!” Oliver giggled as he wiped away his tears.

  Brianna must have felt a little jealous or something because she just glared at Maxine and frowned. “Um . . . WHY do you have lint balls all over your face?” Brianna asked.

  “Yeah, and your hair looks funny too,” Miss Penelope scoffed, looking her up and down.

  “Hey, back off, girlfriend!” Maxine said, rolling her eyes at Miss Penelope. “At least I HAVE hair!”

  So, maybe Maxine WAS a little linty. Sorry, but I was NOT about to destroy a good pair of socks. And WHY would Miss Penelope get all snotty and insult another puppet when SHE was a puppet too?! Was I the only person who found all of this disturbing, bizarre, and a wee bit creepy?

  Maxine continued. “I’m here to help you find Mr. Buttons. But don’t worry about that guy. He’s a prankster and he’s probably just playing hide-and-seek!”

  Oliver’s face brightened. “You think so?”

  “Don’t listen to her!” Brianna fumed. “I think he’s been KIDNAPPED by the TOOTH FAIRY!!”

  “I have a great idea, Oliver!” Maxine I said. “Why don’t you hang out with Maxine while I finish looking for Mr. Buttons. Okay?”

  “That would be fun!” Oliver giggled.

  I handed Maxine to Oliver. Then I went from room to room in search of Mr. Buttons. When I returned, Brianna and Oliver had plastered over a dozen Kidnapped, Missing, and Wanted posters all over the family room in their desperate attempt to find that puppet.

  Brianna was about to tape a poster to a pillow on the couch when she suddenly gasped in surprise. “Hey, look! It’s Mr. Buttons!! The tooth fairy kidnapped him and stuck him behind this pillow?!” she exclaimed.

  “Mr. Buttons! Mr. Buttons!” shouted Oliver. “I’m so glad to see you!”

  We all gave Mr. Buttons a great big group hug.

  Just then the doorbell rang. It was Mrs. Wallabanger.

  “Hi, Mrs. Wallabanger,” I said, thankful she hadn’t arrived five minutes earlier.

  “Hello, Nikki, dear. How are my little gangbusters doing?” she asked cheerfully.

  “They’re GREAT!” I answered. “We played some games and even went on a BIG make-believe ADVENTURE!”

  Suddenly Mrs. Wallabanger frowned.

  “What was that?! You think I’ve gained weight and need to get a wig and dentures?!” she asked, highly insulted.

  “NO! Actually, you look beautiful! Just the way you are,” I tried to reassure her.

  As Oliver was leaving, he gave me a great big hug.

  “Nikki! You’re the best sitter me and Mr. Buttons have ever had!”

  “Thanks, Oliver! Both Maxine and I will be looking forward to you visiting again.”

  He took a few steps down the sidewalk, holding his grandmother’s hand. Then he abruptly turned around and raced back to the door to give Brianna a hug too.

  “Thanks for finding Mr. Buttons,” he whispered. “He made this especially for you!”

  Oliver reached into his back pocket and handed Brianna a wad of red construction paper.

  Brianna unfolded the paper to reveal the most beautiful crinkled-up, lopsided Valentine’s heart I have ever seen in my entire life . . . .

  Both Brianna and Miss Penelope had these big goofy smiles on their faces as they waved good-bye.

  “Bye, Oliver! Bye, Mr. Buttons! Come back soon!”

  AWWWWWWW ! That whole scene was so cute and sickeningly sweet, I almost couldn’t stand it.

  Yes, Oliver was a little weird. And misunderstood. But he was such a good kid! Mrs. Wallabanger was lucky to have him as a grandson.

  That’s when it hit me that Oliver reminded me a lot of, well . . . he-who-shall-remain-nameless.

  Anyway, I was really happy that Brianna had found a new friend she had so much in common with.

  I just hope Oliver won’t change when he gets older. Like, you know . . . some people.

  I almost forgot! Speaking of new friends, I now have a roommate . . . MAXINE!!

  She’s moving in to my sock drawer.

  !!

  MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17

  Due to the snowstorm on Friday, today was unofficially Valentine’s Day at W
CD!

  Chloe, Zoey, and I traded valentines. And I gave them some of my homemade double-chocolate fudge, which they LOVED!

  I noticed Brandon staring at me in the hall this morning. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but I just totally ignored him.

  And in bio I noticed he had what looked like a valentine or something stuck in his notebook. I assumed it was probably from MacKenzie. Or maybe even FOR MacKenzie.

  But I didn’t bother to hang around after class to find out. As soon as the bell rang, I grabbed my stuff and ran out of there like my hair was on fire!

  And speaking of MacKenzie, I know that girl HATES my GUTS! But never in a million years did I think she would actually stoop so low as to try to DROWN me!

  In gym today my teacher announced that we’d be learning about swimming safety and the buddy system.

  Okay, I’ll admit it. One of my most embarrassing secrets is that I’m NOT a very good swimmer.

  Just imagine how cruddy I feel when Brianna is confidently doggy-paddling around in the deep end while I’m nervously wading in the kiddie pool!

  Talk about HUMILIATION !

  “Okay, class!” our teacher began. “I hope everyone read over the handout on swimming safety I gave you last week. Because today we’re going to discuss what to do if your swim buddy gets in trouble. I’m going to need two volunteers.”

  MacKenzie and I immediately gave each other the evil eye! Just the mere thought of us working together as partners was beyond repulsive.

  I think our teacher must have seen our reactions and decided that making us wear the school’s smelly, saggy, scratchy regulation swimsuits was NOT enough torture.

  “Let’s see. How about . . . MISS MAXWELL . . . and MISS HOLLISTER?”

  OUR GYM TEACHER, FORCING MACKENZIE AND ME TO BE SWIM PARTNERS

  MacKenzie and I both rolled our eyes and groaned.

  I immediately started feeling a little nauseous and I hadn’t even swallowed any of the nasty, germy pool water yet.

  “Okay! Let’s do some role-playing. Miss Hollister, you’ll be the swim buddy on the shore. And Miss Maxwell, you’ll be the swim buddy struggling in the water.”

  Well, one thing was for sure. I wouldn’t have to do a lot of acting to be totally convincing in THAT role.

  “Actually, I was w-wondering if you maybe could pick someone else?” I stammered nervously. “I’m really not that good of a swim—”

  “Come on, Miss Maxwell, hustle! In the pool! NOW!” she yelled at me like I was there trying out for the Olympic swimming team or something.

  So I took a running leap, grabbed my nose, and did a cannonball into the pool . . . .

  OMG! I hit the water like a brick. It literally knocked the wind out of me. I coughed and wheezed as I paddled for my life.

  “Okay, Miss Hollister, imagine you’re at the beach and you notice your swim buddy struggling in the water. What do—”

  “Wait,” MacKenzie interrupted. “Which beach is it?”

  “I don’t know . . . ANY beach!” the gym teacher snapped impatiently. “That doesn’t matter.”

  “I know! How about . . . the HAMPTONS?!” MacKenzie said excitedly.

  “Fine! A beach at the Hamptons! And you’re worried your swim buddy might be in trouble. What would you do?”

  “What would I do? Wow! That’s a hard one. Well, for starters, I probably WOULDN’T go to the Hamptons! We vacationed there last year, and there were WAY too many tourists,” she answered smugly. “Hey! Put ME on a Brazilian beach! With an air-conditioned cabana, raspberry-melon iced tea, and lots of cute surfer boys!”

  “You’re completely missing the point! This is about water safety!” the gym teacher said, flustered.

  How DENSE could that girl be?

  “Hurry up and answer the stinkin’ question, MacKenzie!” I yelled. “I can’t paddle much longer!”

  MacKenzie scratched her head and gave the gym teacher a long, blank stare.

  “Um, is this, like, a multiple-choice question or something?” she asked, twirling her hair. “I’ve heard the beaches in Hawaii are to die for!”

  “Getting! Stomach! Cramps!” I panted. “HEEELP!!”

  “Hollister, you’re supposed to be aware of your swim buddy at all times!” the gym teacher yelled. “YOUR swim buddy is possibly in TROUBLE! Now go jump in the water and save her!”

  “Who? ME?! I DON’T think so!” MacKenzie replied coolly. “I just curled my hair this morning.”

  “WORST! (glug) . . . SWIM BUDDY! (glug) . . . EVER!!!” I gurgled, choking on more water.

  Then my head went under. I can’t remember what happened after that. I guess I blacked out and my teacher jumped in to rescue me. That’s what I was told, anyway. However, what I DO remember is waking up on the tile floor next to the pool.

  I was surrounded by a bunch of snickering classmates, a not-so-happy gym teacher, and my BFFs.

  That’s when I felt something weird around my waist.

  And when I looked down, I discovered I was wearing a yellow doughnut-shaped inner-tube thingy with baby ducks on it.

  It wasn’t NEARLY as cute as the sea horse my teacher had flat-out refused to let me wear in the pool just last week.

  Go figure!

  “You’re keeping that thing on for the rest of the class today. Got it, Maxwell?” my gym teacher said drily. “If you’re having that much trouble swimming in only four feet of water, you’re going to need all the help you can get.”

  “Wait a minute!” I exclaimed. “Are you saying I almost drowned in only FOUR feet of water?!! That’s barely up to my shoulders! I thought for sure I was in the deep end!”

  My teacher sighed and shook her head.

  OOPS! My BAD !!

  Then she launched into another one of her stern lectures.

  “Listen up, people! Water safety is serious business! The buddy system is NO joke! Lives are at stake! To ensure that everyone completely understands these concepts, tomorrow I’ll be giving you a written test! Sorry! But after what just happened here today, I really don’t have a choice,” she said, and glared at MacKenzie.

  Every kid in the class groaned this time, including me.

  Our teacher continued. “Please read over the handout I gave you. You really need to learn this stuff. Any questions?”

  I could tell the entire class was pretty ticked off, based on the dirty looks MacKenzie was getting.

  “Hey, don’t blame ME!” MacKenzie shrugged and batted her eyes all innocentlike.

  Then she whipped around and pointed her finger right in my face . . . .

  I could NOT believe that girl just threw me under the bus like that.

  AND I definitely didn’t appreciate her little “dork in the doughnut” comment!

  If MacKenzie hadn’t sat there very STUPIDLY planning her next beach vacation while watching me DROWN, we wouldn’t be having a written test.

  In GYM, of all classes.

  It was all HER fault!

  But of course MacKenzie is Miss PERFECT!

  And all of the CCPs were rolling their eyes and whispering about ME!

  The “DORK in the doughnut”!

  UGH! I give up!

  Next time . . .

  Just let me DROWN!

  !!

  TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

  (That was me screaming!)

  I was totally FREAKED out by what I saw in the halls when I got to school this morning.

  It was surreal! I felt like I’d walked into one of my worst nightmares. I wanted to just call my parents and go home.

  WHO did this to me?!!! And WHY?!!!

  Only three other people at school knew about it.

  “It” being that horribly embarrassing photo that my bratty sister, Brianna, accidentally texted to the ENTIRE world.

  Okay! Well, maybe NOT the entire world.

  Just CHLOE, ZOEY, and BRANDON!

  Just looking at that photo gives me a migraine . . . .

&
nbsp; Chloe and Zoey were really upset and have pinkie sworn to me THREE times that they had NOTHING to do with it. And I really want to believe them.

  So that leaves . . . BRANDON. But WHY would he do this? Or give my picture to someone who would?

  Anyway, this is what I saw when I arrived at school this morning . . . .

  “VOTE NIKKI MAXWELL FOR SWEETHEART PRINCESS!” POSTERS WERE EVERYWHERE!

  But the most humiliating thing is that everyone thinks I plastered those hideous posters around the school because I WANT to be voted Sweetheart Princess.

  When in reality, I DIDN’T put up the posters! And I DON’T want to be voted Sweetheart Princess! Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t mind all that much if it actually happened.

  But come on! I’m the biggest loser in the entire school. Like, WHO would even vote for me?!

  And even if there WAS the possibility of getting a few random votes from students, I’m sure my very creepy picture made them change their minds.

  This little STUNT had MacKenzie Hollister written ALL over it! I would give anything to know how MacKenzie got her grubby little hands on my photo.

  Thank goodness my BFFs were there to help me rip the posters down.

  It took us, like, FOREVER!

  ME, CHLOE, AND ZOEY TEARING DOWN THOSE HIDEOUS POSTERS

  Why in the world would MacKenzie do this when she knows I’m not going to the dance? Maybe she’s just trying to rub it in my face that I don’t have a date. I’m so sick of her little mind games!

  Then, to make matters worse, I got a text from Brandon during lunch.

  *****

  FROM BRANDON:

  You looked kind of freaky in that picture.

  But you’re STILL my friend :-p!

  12:36 p.m.

  *****

  It’s going to take me YEARS of intense therapy to get over all of the traumatic experiences I’ve had in middle school just this past week!

  AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

  (That was me screaming AGAIN!)

  !!