by Jeff Kinney
schedule that spelled out who got to use it when.
But that wasn’t really FAIR. Manny has his
OWN blanket, so he was double-dipping.
When it was MY turn to use the blanket, I tried
to make the most of it.
But it was really hard to enjoy myself, because
Rodrick would start hovering over me when I still
had fifteen minutes left on my shift.
We each got three half-hour shifts a night, but
Rodrick would cheat Manny out of HIS turn by
taking the blanket into the bathroom right before
Manny’s shift was supposed to START. Then
Rodrick would sit in there for an HOUR, which
cut into MY shift.
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So Mom made a rule that we can’t take the
blanket into the bathroom.
One night I slept with the blanket in my room,
and Rodrick complained because he wanted to use
it while he ate breakfast. Mom made a NEW rule
that said if you slept with the blanket, it had to
be returned downstairs by 8:00 a.m.
By the end of the first week, there were so
many rules that Mom had to put them all in a
MANUAL, which ended up being something like
twenty-five pages long.
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But THAT didn’t solve our problems, and
eventually Mom took the blanket away to give it
to someone who “deserved” it. She said it was our
fault we couldn’t have something nice, because we
didn’t know how to SHARE.
Grown-ups are always talking about how great
sharing is, but personally, I think it’s overrated.
And if I ever get enough money, I’m gonna
build a big castle all for myself, and there’s gonna
be a big heavy blanket in every room.
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Monday
When I woke up this morning, it was below
freezing outside. I was relieved it actually felt like
WINTER again, but when Mom told me I had to
wear thermal underwear to school, I thought maybe
global warming isn’t such a bad thing after all.
I HATE wearing thermal underwear, because it’s
uncomfortable, and I feel RIDICULOUS wearing
it. Thermal underwear looks cool when it’s on the
mannequin at the mall, but when I put it on, I
just look like a retired superhero.
The mannequins at the mall are always super buff,
and they make guys like me who can’t spend three
hours in the gym every day look bad.
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If I ever get in really good shape, I’m gonna
sign up to be a mannequin model. Because that would
be an awesome thing to brag about on a date.
The mannequins you see at the sports store are
always in athletic poses, and it looks like it would
be HARD to stay in that position while someone
sculpts you. And that’s just too much effort for a
job that should be EASY.
So when I apply for the job, I’m gonna do it at
the bed and bath store.
Mom says I’m LUCKY to have thermal underwear,
because our ANCESTORS didn’t have this kind of
stuff to keep them warm.
Sometimes I WONDER about my ancestors,
though. I have no idea why they chose to live
HERE when they could’ve picked somewhere a
whole lot warmer.
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But I can’t complain, because they SURVIVED,
and everything they did led directly to ME. I
just wish they could see how I turned out so
they’d know all their sacrifices were WORTH it.
I guess we’re ALL lucky to be here, because
human beings have had to go through a LOT to
get to where we are now.
At school, we learned that 10,000 years ago a
big sheet of ice covered half the planet. And if
people made it through THAT, I guess we can
get through ANYTHING.
My teacher said that one day the Earth is
gonna be in another ice age and the glaciers will
come back, but I hope it doesn’t happen anytime
SOON.
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I’ve heard glaciers move SLOWLY, which is a
good thing. Because maybe we’ll have a chance to
DO something about it.
I don’t know which is worse, a planet that’s too
HOT or one that’s too COLD. All I know is
that today it was cold, and it wasn’t fun walking
to school in the morning.
I tried to cheer myself up by thinking of things
I LIKE about the winter, but I came up with a
really short list. Christmas is great and all, but
after that it’s just a long slog to the spring.
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I’ve decided the only thing that actually makes
winter worth it is the HOT CHOCOLATE. I
used to be on the Safety Patrols, and I’d get free
hot chocolate at school. But after I got kicked
off, I had to start bringing my OWN.
Lately, I’ve been filling a thermos with hot
chocolate every morning, and that keeps me warm
on the walk to school.
But today, Dad must’ve grabbed MY thermos
and left me with HIS. And I didn’t realize what
happened until I took a giant gulp of cream of
mushroom soup.
I wish Mom and Dad would drive me to school in the
morning, but they leave a half hour before I do.
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There are some kids on my hill whose parents drive
them in on cold days like today. But when me and
Rowley try to flag them down to hitch a ride,
they won’t even make eye contact. And that
really stinks, because us hill kids are supposed to
have each other’s BACKS.
It was so cold out today, the teachers decided
to keep us indoors for recess, which was perfectly
fine with ME.
The LAST time we had outdoor recess on a day like
today, Albert Sandy was saying it was so cold that
your spit would freeze before it hit the GROUND.
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Well, it turns out he was WRONG, and recess
that day was a total NIGHTMARE.
Usually, indoor recess isn’t very fun. We’re
supposed to play board games and do arts and
crafts, but kids always get restless and find ways
to liven things up.
So today, our teacher said we were gonna try
something NEW.
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She taught us how to play a game called
“Museum,” where everyone has to freeze like a
statue and hold still for as long as possible.
It was actually pretty FUN, but when recess
ended, I realized it was just an easy way to get
us to BEHAVE for a half hour.
The thing I don’t like about being indoors at
school in the winter is that a lot of kids are
SICK, and I really don’t want someone getting
ME sick.
Our school is FULL of germs, and NOBODY
covers their mouth when they cough or sneeze.
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Walking down the hallway between classes is like
walking through a war zone.
Nobody remembers to sneeze into the crook of
their arm, and kids like Albert Sandy aren’t
> HELPING things. Today at lunch, Albert told
a story about a guy who covered his sneeze, and
when he did, he blew his head clean OFF.
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I told Albert his story wasn’t true, but he swore
it WAS. He said the guy actually SURVIVED,
and now he works as a grocery bagger at the local
Shop-n-Dash.
Albert’s ALWAYS spreading bad information like
that, and the kids at my table believe every word
he says. So now there’s ZERO chance any of
these guys will cover their mouths the next time
they have to sneeze.
A couple of weeks ago, Albert said that when
someone’s pet dies in the winter, they have to wait
until the ground thaws in the spring before it can
be buried. He said they need somewhere to KEEP
their pets in the meantime.
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Albert said the people in our town use the school
cafeteria’s walk-in freezer to store their pets
for the winter, and that right now it’s full to
CAPACITY
.
I’m almost POSITIVE this is just another one
of Albert’s stupid made-up stories. But until we
find our PIG, I’m not gonna order the Pork
Barbecue Special, just in case.
I’m seriously thinking of changing lunch tables,
because I’m tired of sitting with Albert Sandy
and all these other idiots every day. One kid I
won’t miss is Teddy Silvetti, who wears the same
sweater all winter long.
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Teddy’s sweater has NEVER been cleaned, and
there are food stains all over it. Sometimes the
kids at my table try to guess what each stain
IS, which is what they were doing today.
See, this is the reason girls at my school have
pictures of pop singers in their lockers. The guys
in my grade just aren’t giving them any good
OPTIONS.
I can’t even IMAGINE how many germs are on
Teddy’s sweater, which is why I sit at least two
seats away from him.
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Most of my brain power at school goes to keeping
tabs on whose germs are WHERE. And I’ve
already filled up two notebooks this winter.
The times it gets tricky is when you have TWINS
like Jeremy and Jameson Garza. I can’t tell them
apart, and today it looked to me like one was
sick, but the other one WASN’T.
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So I shot a spitball in the sick one’s hair to make
it easier to keep track of him.
The only GOOD thing about being sick is the
cherry lozenges Mom gives me when I have a sore
throat. I know you’re supposed to suck on them
real slow, but I chew those things like CANDY,
and I go through a few packs a day.
The girls in my grade LOVE the smell of cherry
lozenges, which almost makes being sick WORTH it.
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Unfortunately, the GUYS in my grade like the
smell, too. And they’re always trying to get me
to GIVE them some.
A few weeks ago, I thought I felt a sore throat
coming on, and I brought three packs of cherry
lozenges to school with me. I kept one pack in my
pocket and the OTHER two in my locker.
But Jake McGough sniffed out the packs I was
keeping in my locker, and by the time I found
out, Speed Bump had already picked the lock.
I wish I didn’t have to go to school at ALL
during cold and flu season. Maybe one day I’ll buy
one of those big plastic bubbles so I’m not exposed
to other kids’ germs.
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But I’m sure my bubble wouldn’t last a DAY before
some jerk popped it.
Even though I hate being sick, I’m kind of glad
they haven’t come up with a cure for the cold yet.
Because if they DID, I wouldn’t be able to fake
being sick and stay home from school to play
video games.
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It was even colder today on the walk HOME
than it was on the walk to school. And this time
me and Rowley were facing the WIND, which made
it ten times WORSE.
It was so bad that we had to make a few pit
stops on the way home. The first place we ducked
in was the pizza shop, because there’s a big oven
in there, so it’s always warm inside. But when the
guy who owns the place realized we weren’t gonna
BUY anything, he kicked us out.
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Our next stop was the town library. That’s a
public building, and I knew they couldn’t tell us
to leave. But when the librarians started getting
pushy with the books, we left on our OWN.
I wish we’d used the bathroom in the library before
we headed back outside, though, because when we
got halfway home, Rowley really needed to go. We
knocked on a few doors, but when people saw us,
they pretended they weren’t home.
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We finally got someone to ANSWER, but by that
point Rowley’s face was so frozen, he couldn’t
even form WORDS.
By the time we got to Surrey Street, I thought
Rowley was gonna have a medical emergency. But
I knew none of the Lower Surrey Street people
were gonna let us inside their houses.
There’s a big ROCK in Mr. Yee’s front yard,
and I told Rowley he should duck behind it to do
his business. Personally, I wouldn’t pee outside in
THIS kind of cold, because Albert Sandy told us a
story about what happened to a guy who DID.
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But I didn’t feel like it was the right time to
mention that to Rowley, and I’m not really sure he
had to go number ONE, anyway.