by Jeff Kinney
Whatever he was doing back there, he was taking
FOREVER. Some of the Lower Surrey Street
kids came out of their houses to play, and before
long Rowley had drawn a crowd. I just backed
off, because I really didn’t want people to know
I was WITH him.
Thankfully, Rowley wrapped things up and we
got out of there before anyone realized what he
was DOING. Because this is just the sort of
stupid thing that could end up sparking a WAR.
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Tuesday
It was seriously cold again this morning, so I
dug my scarf and a pair of old gloves out of
the closet. Mom said I should wear the mittens
Gramma knitted for me last winter, but when
she made those things, she forgot to add the
THUMBS
.
So whenever I put them on, it’s basically like
wearing SOCKS on my hands. And they’re
totally USELESS in a snowball fight.
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Mom said I should wear earmuffs, too, but the
thing I’ve learned is that if kids know you can’t
hear them COMING, you’re just ASKING for it.
The reason I get so cold is because I’m SKINNY,
and I don’t have any insulation. Every winter, I
try to eat a lot to give myself an extra layer of
blubber. But I guess I’ve got a fast metabolism,
because nothing I do ever seems to WORK.
I think it was something like ten degrees outside
this morning, and on the walk to school I started
wondering if a person’s BLOOD could freeze.
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I’ve heard people are something like 60% WATER,
so I guess it’s POSSIBLE. But it kind of feels
like something Albert Sandy would make up.
What I was worried about the MOST was
FROSTBITE. By the time I was halfway to
school, my ears were STINGING, and I really
wished I had listened to Mom about the earmuffs.
I thought one of my ears might actually fall OFF,
and that I wouldn’t notice until I was in class.
It wasn’t just my EARS I was worried about,
though. Apparently there are a LOT of body
parts where you can get frostbite.
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I wouldn’t want to lose my NOSE, because I’d
look a little freaky without one. Then again,
my desk in Social Studies is right next to the
BATHROOM, so at least THAT situation would
get a little better.
Plus, my nose ALWAYS runs on cold days, and I
never realize I’ve got frozen snot on my face until
it’s too late.
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I’d like to hang on to my LIPS, too, because if
I didn’t have them it would always look like I was
SMILING. And in certain situations, that could
be a real problem.
I was lucky I found those GLOVES, because
I wouldn’t want to lose any FINGERS, either.
The only thing I’d be willing to give up would be my
pinky toes, because I hardly EVER use mine. The
last time I can remember using them was when I
was in preschool and I needed to count to twenty.
But other than that, I’m drawing a blank.
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I guess a lot of OTHER kids were worried about
frostbite, too, because when I got to school,
there was a whole line of boys in the bathroom
waiting to use the hand dryer. And that made me
five minutes late for first period.
It wasn’t as windy on the walk home today, but
it was just as COLD. Me and Rowley stopped at
the pizza place again to warm up, because Rowley
found a coupon for two free meatball subs in his
coat pocket.
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After we left the pizza shop, we still had a long
way to walk. But that’s when I had an idea.
My Gramma’s house is halfway between our school
and Surrey Street, and I knew there was no one
home. That’s because Gramma goes down south
each winter and doesn’t come back until the spring.
During the winter, Gramma sends us pictures of
herself and her friends in their bathing suits to
let us know that she’s having a good time.
Gramma takes her dog, Sweetie, with her, too. So
while I’m freezing my butt off up here, it’s great
to know Sweetie is lying on a beach down south
soaking up the sun.
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Gramma usually keeps a key inside her garden
gnome right next to the front door. And sure
enough, that’s EXACTLY where it was today.
I figured we could use Gramma’s house to warm
up before the last push home. Rowley was nervous
about us going inside with no adults home, but I
told him Gramma was FAMILY, and she’d WANT
me to use her house while she was away.
When we walked in, I was pretty surprised. It
was like an ICEBOX in there, so I guess Gramma
turns down the thermostat for the winter.
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Usually, Gramma CRANKS the heat. When she’s
home, it’s so warm that you have to eat your ice
cream sandwich with the freezer drawer open or
the ice cream will melt in your hands.
The first thing I did when we got inside
Gramma’s was turn up the thermostat. It was
taking a while for the house to heat up, though,
so I turned on the oven and we warmed up in a
HURRY
.
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Gramma had a bunch of snacks in her refrigerator,
and me and Rowley helped ourselves. But while we
were eating, we saw some MOVEMENT out the
front window.
It was Mrs. McNeil, Gramma’s snoopy next-door
neighbor. She must’ve noticed the light from the
fridge, and now she was trying to see inside.
We stayed out of sight, and eventually Mrs.
McNeil went away. But now I knew we had to be
CAREFUL, because I really didn’t need her calling
the COPS. So we got down low and went into the
living room, where Gramma has her TV.
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Gramma has ALL the cable channels, and luckily
she didn’t shut THOSE down for the winter. But
we couldn’t risk attracting Mrs. McNeil again,
so we put a blanket over ourselves AND the
television, and watched it THAT way.
I guess we kind of lost track of time, because
when we shut off the TV, it was DARK out. By
now it was nice and toasty in Gramma’s house, and
I really didn’t wanna go back out there in the
cold. So I had an idea for how to make the walk
home a little more COMFORTABLE.
I figured if we warmed up our clothes in Gramma’s
dryer before we headed back out, it would take
the edge off for the rest of the trip. So we went
down to the basement where Gramma keeps her
laundry machines and put in a load of clothes.
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We set the timer to thirty minutes and waited.
But it was a little awkward hanging out in our
underwear while the dryer did its thing.
Plus, it was COLD in the basement, so we looked
around for s
omething to WEAR. Rowley found
a sweatshirt I gave Gramma for her birthday,
and he put THAT on. But I didn’t feel RIGHT
wearing Gramma’s clothes.
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I found a sweater that Gramma knitted for
Sweetie, and it fit better than I expected. But
it was a little ITCHY, and I couldn’t remember if
Sweetie ever had FLEAS.
But while I was looking around for something to
swap it with, we heard NOISES upstairs.
My FIRST thought was that Gramma gave Mrs.
McNeil a key to the house, and now she was inside.
But Rowley said it might be a BURGLAR who
knew no one was home, and I thought maybe he
was right.
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We heard some more stomping around upstairs, and
when the door to the basement opened, we both
freaked out.
I looked around for something to use to
DEFEND myself, but the best I could come up
with was a toilet plunger.
Rowley grabbed a can of lemon dust spray and one
of Gramma’s purses. And when we heard footsteps
coming down the stairs, we braced ourselves.
The footsteps PAUSED when they got near the
bottom, and that’s when we made our MOVE.
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It turned out it wasn’t Mrs. McNeil, and it
wasn’t a BURGLAR, either. It was MOM.
She was there to do a load of laundry, since our
washing machine at home is broken.
Mom didn’t say much. She just told us to get our
winter clothes back on and to get in the car.
And she was totally silent on the ride back to our
neighborhood, which was really AWKWARD.
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I figured as soon as Rowley was out of the car,
Mom was gonna yell at me for being at Gramma’s
house without permission. But she didn’t say
ANYTHING, and she didn’t mention it to Dad
during dinner, either.
After I finished doing the dishes, Mom told me
she wanted to have a talk in my room. She said
it was “perfectly normal” for boys my age to play
“make believe,” and that there was nothing to
feel ashamed of. Then she said she was glad me
and Rowley were using our imaginations instead of
playing video games.
I have no IDEA what Mom thought we
were doing in Gramma’s basement. But to be
honest with you, I kind of wish she had just
GROUNDED me instead.
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FEBRUARY
Wednesday
It’s been snowing for the past few days, and
last night we got another inch and a half.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to close school,
and even if it snowed MORE than that, I don’t
think they would’ve given us the day off.
We only get a certain amount of snow days each
year, and if we use them all, then we have to
make up for them during summer vacation. And
we’ve already burned through most of our snow
days for this winter, even though SOME of them
technically weren’t used because of SNOW.
In December, the school shut down for three
days because of a LICE epidemic.
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What happened was that Lily Bodner came to
school with head lice, but I guess she didn’t know
it. And it SPREAD when she took pictures with
her friends.
So if we’re sitting in a hot classroom in July, I
guess we can all thank Lily for taking selfies.
Sometimes, when it snows in the morning, they’ll
give us a HALF day. But I’m not a big fan of
half days, because we still have to walk all that
way just to put in a few hours at school.
What REALLY stinks is when the school looks at
the weather forecast and decides in advance that
the NEXT day is gonna be a half day.
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On a half day, the school schedule is the same,
but everything takes half the time. That goes
for DETENTION, too. And all the bullies in our
school know that if they do something bad the
day BEFORE a half day, they’ll only get half
the PUNISHMENT.
Sometimes school gets canceled because it’s
SUPPOSED to snow, and then it DOESN’T.
That’s because the school relies on our local TV
weatherman for the forecast, and he’s wrong at
least 50% of the time.
On New Year’s Eve, he said it was gonna be
“T-shirts and shorts weather” the next day, but
then it snowed three inches. And when people
saw him at the grocery store, they let him know
they weren’t happy.
Honestly, I don’t see how this guy still has a JOB.
But I guess as long as people like my parents tune
in every night, he’s not going ANYWHERE.
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I couldn’t find one of my gloves this morning,
so I looked for a replacement. I was already
running late, so the best I could come up with
was a puppet Mom bought to try and get me to
eat healthy food when I was younger.
I guess Mom thought that if Mr. Morsels liked
vegetables, then I would, too. But I used Mr.
Morsels to eat MY vegetables, and when I found
him today in the closet, he still had stains on
his face from the peas I wouldn’t touch in the
second grade.
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I know it’s kind of ridiculous to wear a puppet
as a glove, and I MOSTLY remembered to keep
that thing tucked in my coat pocket on the walk
to school.
But when Cassie Drench rode by in her mom’s
car, I TOTALLY forgot Mr. Morsels was still
on my hand.
Speaking of GIRLS, there’s been a BIG change
to the Safety Patrols in the past few weeks.