Sins of the Flesh

by Fern Michaels

  Bebe’s lashes fluttered and Reuben found himself staring into the clearest, the greenest eyes he’d ever seen. Green eyes filled with pain and…oh so vulnerable. Surely, this wasn’t the Bebe he knew and was married to for so many years. All the sharp words, all the recriminations, were forgotten. “I’m sorry, Bebe. I didn’t want to blurt it out like that, but you didn’t answer any of my letters. My God, I came here every day. I wanted to be the one to tell you. I’m sorry as hell you had to find out like this. Here, let me help you onto the sofa.”

  Bebe sat hunched over, her hands folded between her legs. When she spoke her voice was soft and gentle. “You say he hates us both.”

  “Surely you don’t expect love and devotion.” It was a statement.

  “When you first told me about John—about Philippe, you said Mickey kept him and raised him. I never knew, Reuben. They told me they would give him out for adoption. Over the years I stopped to see Yvette every time I was in Paris, and she never gave the slightest indication that Mickey had the boy. A lot of things are clearer now. I never asked about him in…in any of my visits. I could never bring myself to verbalize anything in regard to him,” Bebe said in an agonized voice. “I…knew if I ever…I wouldn’t be able to leave.”

  “You should have told me,” Reuben said gently. “I was his father. I should have been told.”

  Bebe raised her head to meet her husband’s eyes. “And what would you have done, Reuben? Tell me, what exactly would you have done?”

  “I don’t know, but I know I should have been given the chance to make up my own mind. Jesus Christ, Bebe, do you know what kind of shock it was when Daniel brought him to me?”

  “I would imagine,” Bebe said shakily, “it’s something like it was for me when you first told me. Look, why don’t I just keep playing the game; just tell him I—I don’t want to see him right now. I’ve worked very hard these past months to get myself back together, and I don’t know if I can handle any emotional setbacks. I don’t ever want to be dependent on anything or anyone again. I’m doing fine now.”

  “How…who…You do look wonderful,” Reuben said sincerely.

  “The details? You always did want to know every little detail. Okay, I’ll tell you: guts. That’s all it took. I knew if I didn’t do it this time, I might as well lie down and die. I climbed the walls, I puked my guts out, I crawled on my hands and knees, I scrubbed and scrubbed, hard physical work so I could pass out from sheer exhaustion. And I did it by myself. Every hour, every minute, of my day is filled. I have no time now for might-have-beens. I cannot change anything for that young man. If Mickey raised him, then he’s had a wonderful life. I don’t see that he has anything to complain about. He simply wants to satisfy his curiosity about me. I have no wish to see him. Pass that along, Reuben. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think you’ve taken up enough of my time this evening…. By the way, have you figured it out yet?”

  “Figured what out?” Reuben asked, puzzled.

  “The reason Mickey never wrote you or Daniel. It’s obvious now, isn’t it? All those years, she knew. She let you leave and never said a word. She knew, Reuben.”

  Reuben’s voice was full of sorrow. “Yes, I figured it out…. Mickey and Yvette have joined the French Resistance, Bebe. No word has come through yet regarding their safety. I thought you might like to know….”

  Bebe shook her head. “You’re wrong. I don’t want to know. I live one day at a time. I have no interest in the past. Nothing can be undone. My future is unknown to me. I’m making a new life for myself with my own two hands, and none of you are included in this life. We’ll be divorced soon enough, and that will put an end to any communication between us.”

  Without another word Bebe rose and walked Reuben to the door. She was so tiny, just a slip of a woman, yet she seemed ten feet tall, Reuben thought. And then he saw the tears glistening in her eyes. Before she could move he tilted her chin so he could look into her eyes. His touch was gentle when he put both hands on her shoulders.

  She cried then, like a wounded animal in a trap. “Don’t do this to me, Reuben. Take your son and go away. He’s yours, my gift to you—late. I grant you, but…Get out!” she shrieked, jerking free of him and running up the steps.

  “Bebe…I…Goddammit!” He cursed himself for barging into his wife’s fragile new life like a bull in a china shop and ripping her world apart. Well, he argued with himself, she’s not exactly blameless here. Maybe not, but you could have spared her feelings a little. She’s right, the kid had a good life, better than either you or she could have provided. She’s in a fragile place right now, and if Philippe comes to see her, she could go over the edge and she knows it. She’s fighting to survive the only way she knows how. You are a fucking son of a bitch. You’d like to see her fall back into her old ways when she was dependent on you and…other things. You never saw this side of your wife. You didn’t know she had guts. You didn’t know she could make it on her own. That has to smart a little. And, of course, you are never going to forgive her for the boy, right? But then, what about Mickey? She kept your son all these years and never said a word to you. Let’s divvy up the blame in the right proportions here. Shut up!

  Reuben slammed out the front door and stormed to his car. Without turning on the headlamps, he jerked the Cadillac into gear and raced backward until he heard the crunch of metal on metal.

  “Son of a bitch!” What the hell had he hit?

  He hopped out of the sedan, aware for the first time of the other parked car in the circular driveway. It was just a pile of junk, but still, it belonged to somebody. Now he had to go back into the house and see Bebe again.

  He waited a moment to see if the crash would bring her to the upstairs window. When he was certain she wasn’t going to appear, he let himself back into the house and crept up the stairs to the second floor. He was almost at the landing when he heard Bebe’s gut-wrenching sobs. They tore at his heart; this wasn’t acting or pretending. There was no audience for her to play to.

  At the door to his wife’s room, Reuben hesitated. He was an intruder here, hated by his wife and all his children. His thoughts whirled crazily as he listened to Bebe pour her heart into the pillow she was clutching.

  “Do you think it was easy giving you up?” she moaned. “It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, almost as hard as trying to hate your father. I said all those horrible, nasty things so I could leave. I wasn’t any good for you, and neither was your father. I had to give you away; I had to do what was right for you. I gave you a name, though, and every time I thought of you I called you John Paul. I loved you. I never forgot your birthday, and I knew that someday you’d grow up to be a wonderful human being, so much better than your mother and father. I gave you that chance, and it was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. God, please don’t make this any harder for me. Don’t let him come here. Don’t make me see him. Make him change his mind, let him write to me and tell me how much he hates me, but don’t let him come here!”

  Reuben was backing away from the doorway when Bebe sat up in bed, her eyes wild when she spotted him. “Sneaky bastard! You listened to me. Damn you, have you no shame? Get out of here. You’re ugly, you’re hateful. I hate you!” she screamed. “You’re a low-down, nasty man. You cheated my father, you stole his studio, and, goddamn you, you stole my virginity. All you do is take, take, take, and you never give anything back. You are a son of a bitch, Reuben Tarz, a pure, unadulterated son of a bitch, and I hate you!” Eyes flashing with the force of her rage, she reached for an enamel vase on the nightstand and flung it at Reuben with all her might.

  “You’re right on every count,” he cried, ducking as the vase flew past him and shattered against the door frame. “Look, I came back only to tell you I hit your gardener’s car, and I want to pay for the damage.”

  “I don’t have a goddamn gardener, so don’t tell me any more lies. You sneaked in here to…to…Just what the hell did you come here for?”

  Reuben t
ook a few steps into the room, careful to remain near the threshold. “I told you: I hit the car out front, smashed into the front of it. I want to make good.”

  “Damn right you’ll make good; that’s my car. You give me the money right now, this goddamn minute!”

  “That sardine can is yours!” Reuben cried, astonished. “What the hell are you doing with a piece of junk like that?”

  “I sold my car to pay for Mattie’s pension. It runs,” she said defiantly.

  “Not anymore it doesn’t,” Reuben said. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have gotten you a car. Aren’t you embarrassed to be seen in it?”

  Bebe took a deep breath. “You know, Reuben, somehow I knew you were going to say that. Yes, it’s an eye-sore, and yes, I’m embarrassed to drive it, but I drive it anyway. I call it my lesson in humility. It’s all I can afford. I don’t want anything from you—not until we’re legally divorced.”

  Reuben shrugged. “I only thought—”

  “I know what you thought,” she interrupted. “You know what you are, Reuben? You’re a damn robot. You walk, you talk, you eat, and you sleep, but you aren’t real because you don’t know how to feel. You’re nothing but a cheap copy of a human being. And before you can say it, yes, I am what I am and I am real. I hurt, I cry, I make mistakes, and I make some of them over and over again, but I am learning from my mistakes. I know now what I don’t want. It’s taken me a long time, and it might even take me longer now that you’ve come here and upset my life. But I’m going to do it, if only to outsurvive you and to make you pay for what you’ve done to me over the years. Now give me the money for my car and get out of my house.”

  Out of the corner of his eye Reuben could see that she’d backed him to the top of the stairs. Three steps at the most and he’d topple over. It was not a comforting thought.

  The moment the fear in her husband’s eyes registered, Bebe turned and walked back to her room. Reuben watched her until she’d entered her room, for the first time truly proud of his wife. When he heard a muffled cry of pain, he followed her back to the room in time to see her wrap a towel around her foot. “What happened?” he asked, hurrying to her side.

  “Oh, I must have stepped on some broken glass from the damn vase,” she muttered.

  “Let me take a look at that,” he said quietly. Obediently Bebe held out her foot. “It looks pretty deep, and there’s some glass in it. Do you want me to try to get it out, or would you prefer I take you to a doctor?”

  “Is it going to hurt?”

  “Probably. The antiseptic will hurt even more. Do you have a tweezer?”

  “On the dresser. Don’t dig, just pull it out.”

  “All right, hold still now. Grip my shoulders, but don’t jerk your foot.”

  Thirty minutes later Bebe’s foot was bandaged and she’d gulped down the aspirin that Reuben handed her. They were sitting on the floor in front of the open window watching the dawn creep over the tops of the trees. Reuben’s arm was around Bebe’s shoulders, and she leaned into him, weary after the evening’s turmoil. Reuben found himself nuzzling his chin in her sweet-smelling hair.

  “If you want to talk about Philippe,” he murmured, “I’ll listen and not say anything.” Bebe shook her head. “Do you want to discuss the divorce?” Bebe shook her head. “Mickey?” Again Bebe shook her head. “Is there anything you want to say?”

  Bebe moved slightly. “Yes. I want to say good-bye to you. In bed. That’s how we started. Now that we’re going to end it, it seems fitting somehow.”

  An unseen hand jerked at Reuben’s heart, sending a flurry of fear into his throat. Somehow he’d thought she wouldn’t go through with the divorce. But now that she was working so hard at changing her life, she didn’t need him anymore, didn’t want him. All she wanted was to say good-bye in her own way. Too much, too little, too late, he thought. Sound roared in his ears as desire coursed through him. “No, no,” he cried hoarsely as he brought his lips down on hers.

  With a sound that resembled a groan and a plea, he brought her to him, crushing his mouth against hers, tasting her, feeling her lips yield to his. When he broke away he saw the flush in her cheeks, the way her lips parted, rising once again for his kiss.

  Hating himself, Reuben brought her closer, aware of the lemony fragrance in her hair. Her skin smelled of flowers and a delicious womanly scent that was hers alone. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, pulling him closer.

  She lay in his embrace, fragile as the first flower of spring. He buried his face in her hair, luxuriating in its softness, surrounding himself in her warmth.

  As Reuben gazed at her form in the golden lamplight, all of his pent-up yearnings, feelings he hadn’t realized existed until this day, rose to the surface, and he moved closer. The feel of her satiny skin, the voluptuous curves beneath the silk gown she wore, exhilarated him.

  Once again his lips clung to hers, and Bebe’s head spun as she felt her body come to life beneath his touch. He was gentle, more gentle than she remembered, his hands unhurried as he explored her body intimately. His mouth moved against hers, and her senses reeled as she strained against him, trying to be closer to him, trying to make them one.

  With infinite tenderness, Reuben loved her, realizing that in spite of her past, she was inexperienced. He put a guarded check on the growing fever in his loins, waiting for her, arousing her patiently until her passions were as demanding and greedy as his own.

  His hands burned her flesh as they traveled the length of her, stopping to caress a pouting breast, a yielding, welcoming thigh. The silken gown was now an irritant, and Bebe wished to be rid of it. Hasty hands found the pearl buttons, opening them, exposing her skin to his touch.

  His lips left the sweet moistness of her mouth to find the tender place where her throat pulsed and curved into his shoulder. Down, down, his mouth traveled, turning her in his arms, finding and teasing the places that brought consummate pleasure and sent waves of desire through her veins. The ivory luster of her breasts beckoned him, their rosy crests standing erect and tempting. Her slim waist was a perfect fit for his hands, her firm velvet haunches accommodating the pleasure of his thigh. He placed a long, sensual kiss on the golden triangle her nudity offered, and Bebe gave herself in panting surrender.

  As the last of the stars twinkled overhead, his lips touched her body, satisfying his thirst for her and yet creating in him a hunger deep and raw. The intricate details of her body intoxicated him with their perfection. The supple curve of her thigh, the flatness of her belly, the dimples in her haunches, the muscled length of her legs. But it was always to the warm shadows between her breasts that he returned, imagining that they beckoned him in a silent, provocative appeal.

  Bebe’s body cried out for him. She offered herself completely to his seeking hands and lips. And Reuben, sensing her passion, furthered his advances, hungry for her boundless beauty and placing his lips on those secret places that held such fascination. He indulged in her lusty passion, which met and equaled his own.

  Beneath his touch her skin glistened with a sheen of desire. She slid her hands down the flat of his belly, eager to know him again and to satisfy her yearning need. She strove to learn every detail of his flesh so she could remember it later, touching his rippling muscular smoothness, feeling the strength beneath. She kissed the hollow near the base of his throat, tasting the scent of his after-shave. And when she cried his name, the sound tore from her throat, painful and husky, demanding he put an end to her torment and satisfy the cravings he’d instilled in her.

  The galaxy of stars overhead became one world, fused together by the blazing heat they created. Together they spun out beyond the moon, reveling in the beauty each brought to the other, seeing in each other a small part of themselves. Two spirits, one pale as starlight, the other dark as midnight, came together in their passion, creating an aura of sunlight in the dark, endless night.

  What seemed a long time later, Bebe wiped at the tears trickling down her cheeks. He
r voice when she spoke was solemn and full of sorrow. “Do you know, Reuben, in all the years we’ve been married, you made love to me only once. The night when I was sick you slept with me so your body warmth would…Only once. And then tonight. It’s not much of an epitaph to a marriage, is it?”

  Reuben’s eyes snapped open. He had to answer her, say something to take the finality out of her voice. But what? He didn’t know this new Bebe. In the end all he could do was nod.

  Bebe sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. As she reached for her robe she said, “You’d better leave now. I have a full day ahead of me, and I want to take a bath. I need to wash you out of me.” When Reuben made no move to get up, she walked around to his side of the bed, leaned over, and lightly brushed her lips across his cheek. “Good-bye, Reuben.”

  Reuben’s eyes narrowed. “Are you telling me that after…after what we just…you’re really saying goodbye?” he asked, astonished.

  “Yes. It’s time. You never could say it in actual words, but in other ways you said it every day of our married life. I don’t need you anymore. I know in the days and months to come, I will want you, but I can live with that. Needing and wanting are two very different things.” She turned on her heel. “I expect you to be gone by the time I’m finished with my bath.”

  Reuben turned at the sound of the closing door. By God, she meant what she’d said! He felt his loss then, so keenly he wanted to cry. His eyes were frantic as they raced around the room, Bebe’s room, which held nothing of his.