Daddy Christmas

by Cathy Gillen Thacker

  Matt talked her through the contraction, allowing her to squeeze his hand until she damn near broke it, helping her focus and breathe. When the contraction was over, she gasped, “How many centimeters did they say I was dilated?”

  “Four.”

  Hell, no wonder she hurt. “How many to go?” Gretchen panted miserably.

  “Six.”

  Gretchen swore like a sailor and pushed herself up to sit on the side of the bed.

  “Now what are you doing?” Matt asked.

  “What does it look like I’m doing?” she replied through gritted teeth. “I’m going to speed things up.”

  She slipped her feet into her slippers and stood. Matt was right beside her, a steadying arm wrapped around her waist. “What are you doing?” she demanded.

  Matt walked her back and forth across the soothing light green labor room. “Keeping you company.”

  “As I recall, that’s exactly what got me into this mess,” Gretchen chided with comic irritability.

  Matt grinned appreciatively, as tireless and gung ho about all this as she was wrung out. “It’ll all be over soon,” he soothed, kissing her brow. “And when it is, you’ll barely remember the pain.”

  Ha! “Spoken like someone who will never actually give birth.” She stopped her aimless trekking and stared at the apparatus plugged into the wall outlet, next to the visitor’s chair. “What’s that?”

  “The battery for my video camera.”

  She pivoted toward him. “You are not seriously thinking...”

  “Don’t you want a record of Zach Devin’s birth?”

  “Yes—and no.” Gretchen glowered at him. “Can you do it without videotaping me?”

  “Probably,” Matt shot right back, regarding her with a lazy sensuality, “but that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?”

  “Not from my point of view,” Gretchen muttered. If the worst happened, if they did break up, she didn’t want Matt remembering her in labor. She’d rather he remember her on her wedding day...or their wedding night.

  Determined to get this over with as soon as possible, she forced herself to make another pass across the room, huffing and puffing as she went. “I mean it, Matt. I’m all for seeing Zach the moment he comes into the world, but I am not so sure I want to remember me this way.” All sweaty and icky, clad in an ill-fitting hospital gown, her face as red as a fire engine, her hair plastered to her head.

  He brushed his mouth across her nape in an incredibly gentle, almost reverent kiss. “I’ll be discreet, I promise.”

  Unable to bear much more, she rested against him weakly.

  “Another contraction?”

  She nodded, incapable of speech, as she wreathed her arms about his waist. She was so glad he was there. She didn’t think she’d be able to make it without him.

  “Lean on me.” Matt whispered sweet words of encouragement and lavish praise in her ear. “That’s it. I’ve got you. Breathe now, just like they showed us in Lamaze class....”

  When it was over, she stayed in his arms, incapable of doing much more than recuperating from the immobilizing strength of the contraction.

  “Perhaps you should go lie down again,” Matt suggested, holding her close, smoothing her hair with long, gentle strokes.

  Gretchen shook her head. This walking around was working. She pushed away from Matt, aware she was trembling, and set her chin. “Let’s walk again.”

  Marissa came upon them four contractions later, just as Gretchen’s water broke. She and Matt helped Gretchen back to bed. Marissa got a nurse to assist and did another exam.

  “How much?” Gretchen asked between pants as Matt held her hand.

  “Seven centimeters.”

  Then it was eight, nine, and they were wheeling her into the delivery room. Matt was at her side, garbed in sterile blue and a surgical cap, a compact videocamera slung around his neck.

  He talked to her softly as they strapped her onto the table and adjusted the mirror so she could see. The epidural brought a blissful relief to the pain. And then everything began to happen with amazing swiftness.

  “Push when I tell you, Gretchen,” Marissa directed. “Now. That’s it. That’s it. One more time.”

  The delivery room resounded with their baby’s lusty cry. Tears of relief, of joy, streamed down Gretchen’s face. She gazed at their baby in wonder, looked up and saw Matt was crying, too. Then the cord was cut and the baby was placed on her chest. Gretchen wrapped her arms around Zach Devin, soothing him with her voice, stroking his downy head and perfect little body. Matt touched him, too. Remembering the camera, he picked it up, turned it on with shaking hands and recorded the moment, and their joy, for all posterity.

  * * *

  “I COME bearing gifts,” Angela announced as she entered the hospital room, her arms laden with gaily wrapped presents and a basket of flowers. “How are you?” She bent to give Gretchen a hug. “Dad said you came through the birth with flying colors.”

  “We all did,” Gretchen was pleased to report. Matt in particular had been so relieved everything was all right with her and the baby. Maybe it was because he tended to worry, but it had been as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

  Gretchen focused on her stepdaughter. “How are you?”

  “Great. I just stopped by the nursery to see Zach Devin.” Angela clapped a hand to her chest. “What a handsome charmer he is!”

  Gretchen smiled. She and Matt thought so, too. In fact, she had never seen Matt look happier than when he’d held his son for the first time.

  Unfortunately, since then they hadn’t had much time alone. Matt had had business and personal phone calls to make while she slept. Then the nurse had come in to help Gretchen get cleaned up while Matt went down to the nursery to check on the baby. After that, there’d been forms for him to fill out in the business office downstairs.

  Matt, who’d had even less sleep than she had, had begun to look tired and preoccupied—as though something worrisome were on his mind. Gretchen had urged him to go home and get some rest, too, but Matt had gotten that determined look on his face and absolutely refused. It was his place, he had said, to be with Gretchen and the baby, and that was where he was going to be. It had taken all her and Cal’s persuasion to get him to leave long enough to eat dinner in the cafeteria. And now the family was coming in. Which probably meant they wouldn’t have any time alone together this evening. But that was okay, Gretchen thought. Right now it was important they share their joy. And maybe even use it to pull their family together, the way Matt had wanted for months now.

  “Do you think they’ll bring Zach Devin back to your room, so I can hold him?” Angela asked, dragging over a chair and settling in.

  Gretchen smiled. “Marissa said all we have to do is tell the nurse when we’re ready. Was Zach Devin asleep when you saw him?”

  “At first. Then he started waking up and yawning and looking around. He’s so cute, Gretchen,” Angela enthused. “I can’t wait to hold him.”

  “I’m glad.” Gretchen smiled. She looked toward the door. “Where’s Luke? I thought he and Sassy were coming with you.” And where was Matt? She missed him, too.

  “Luke’s here. He went in search of Dad, who, according to the charge nurse, was just seen near the staff lounge with Marissa.”

  “And Sassy?”

  “I’m sorry, Gretchen.” Angela’s face fell. “Dad called her and offered to fly her down from Dallas to see you and the baby.”

  “But she refused?” Gretchen guessed sadly.

  “I’m sorry.” Angela sighed, her frustration with her younger sister evident. “Luke and I called her, too, and told her she was going to be missing out. But she still won’t come. I think maybe she’s still getting over the divorce. It was hard on all of us, but Sassy took it the hardest. I mean, she knows Mom and Dad will never get back together. I don’t think it’s that. I think she just wants things the way they were in a general sense. You know, one mom and one dad, and one
home during the holidays. Maybe if they’d divorced sooner and we’d grown up always having two homes and split holidays, it would have been easier. But it wasn’t that way for us and it’s been hard for us to get used to.”

  Sadness filled Gretchen’s heart, for these were days that could never be recaptured once they were missed. “I’m sorry, too,” she said softly. “I really wished we could have all been together. Especially now.”

  “Well, don’t give up on her,” Angela urged brightly. “Luke and I haven’t. And I know Dad hasn’t, either. He thinks she’s going to come to her senses, realize what she’s missing and rejoin the family at any moment.”

  But what if she didn’t? Gretchen wondered. What then? Would Matt always blame her and Zach Devin for the loss of his youngest daughter?

  Before Gretchen had a chance to sort out her feelings, Luke poked his head in the door.

  “Ready to have your picture taken?” He had a camera case slung over his shoulder.

  “Sure,” Gretchen said.

  “Where’s Dad?” Angela asked Luke.

  “He’ll be here in a minute,” Luke said.

  Angela frowned impatiently. “What’s he doing?” Angela asked.

  “Having a midlife crisis or something,” Luke said as he took his camera out of the bag.

  “What do you mean?” Gretchen and Angela asked in unison.

  “Oh, you know. Calculating just how old he’s going to be for every moment of Zach Devin’s life. Fifty when Zach Devin enters kindergarten, sixty-three when Zach Devin enters college, sixty-six when Zach Devin graduates. Stuff like that.” Luke laughed as he took in Gretchen’s distressed expression. “Don’t worry. Dad can get like that. Sometimes he’s a real worrier.”

  “I agree,” Marissa said, walking in the door to join the group gathered around Gretchen’s hospital bed. “Matt’s the kind of guy who braces for the worst and hopes for the best. He’ll be okay when he stops trying to prepare for twenty years of devoted fathering and parental crises in one fell swoop and gets some sleep.”

  But he was worried, Gretchen thought, as guilt flooded her anew. Maybe even having second thoughts about his ability and desire to do this over the long haul. Wasn’t this just what she had feared would happen, once the fantasy and romance of a new baby faded and reality and hardship set in? And if she thought it was going to be hard to divorce Matt when she had lived with him only nine months, what was it going to be like another year or two or three down the road?

  “Hey, quite a crowd in here,” Matt said, striding in to join the group.

  He looked tired and haggard beneath the veneer of happiness, and he seemed to be missing Sassy.

  There was only one real fix to this situation, Gretchen thought sadly, as guilt flooded her anew, and she knew in an instant what she had to do.

  * * *

  “MARISSA TELLS ME you and Zach Devin are going to be released in the morning,” Matt began, several hours later, after pictures had been taken and everyone had left. Wrapped in a swaddling blanket, his cherubic features quiet in repose, Zach Devin slept on, cuddled in Gretchen’s arms.

  “Right,” Gretchen said, telling herself to be strong. “And to that end,” she continued cautiously, knowing she would always have a part of Matt in Zach Devin, “I have a favor to ask.”

  Matt sat on the edge of the bed and smiled over at her and the baby. “You can ask me anything. You know that.”

  Gretchen braced herself for the test to come. She hoped like hell she was wrong about what Matt really wanted, but only his reaction to her announcement would tell, and right now there was nothing of what he was really thinking or feeling on his face. “I know I’ve been leaning on you a lot in recent months,” she began, albeit a little nervously.

  Matt shrugged. “I didn’t mind. Under the circumstances, it was the least I could do.” He reached over to stroke Zach Devin’s baby-soft cheek. “Besides, I got a lot out of the arrangement, too.”

  “I know, but I think it’s time I was independent again.” Gretchen took a deep breath and looked away. “I want to move back into my own place.”

  “What about Zach Devin?”

  She looked up to see Matt watching her with shattering intensity. She flushed from head to toe. “He’ll go with me, of course.” Knowing how selfish that sounded, she rushed to add, “You can see him as much as you want, whenever you want.”

  There was silence between them for several minutes as he continued to regard her with frustration and uncertainty and, unless she was mistaken, a great deal of guilt.

  “I thought—”

  “I know,” she interrupted gently as he surged off the bed and began to pace. “I wanted to pretend that everything could work out with fairy-tale precision, too, but we were fooling ourselves, Matt.” She shook her head as she began to choke up. “I think I knew it all along, but—” She swallowed, terribly afraid she would burst into tears at any second if she didn’t keep a tight rein on her emotions.

  “But what?” Matt prodded, incensed.

  Gretchen lifted her eyes to his. “I was afraid. I’d never had a baby. I had no family to turn to for support. I didn’t know how it was going to be or what it would feel like to be a mom.”

  “And now?” Matt watched her cross to Zach Devin’s Plexiglas bassinet and settle him gently on his side. He whimpered once, then was silent.

  “With three easy lessons from the nursing staff, I’m a pro.” She turned back to him with a confidence she couldn’t begin to feel. “I’m letting you off the hook, Matt.”

  “What you mean is you’re kicking me in the teeth.” Matt hooked his thumbs through the belt loops on his jeans and stared down at her furiously.

  Good, Gretchen thought. It’ll be easier for us both if he detests me. “We had a deal,” she reminded him succinctly. “We’d stay together as long as necessary after the birth to give our child a good start and then we would split, amicably.”

  Matt was very still. He looked away a long moment, then turned back to her with a knowing expression. “You said you loved me.”

  “I did and still do.” That she wouldn’t deny. “But love doesn’t solve everything, Matt. Love doesn’t guarantee a marriage will work over the long haul of the participants’ or even the child’s life,” she continued earnestly, speaking the words that were in her heart. “But maybe it will mend your family.”

  Matt’s mouth tightened into a thin line. He wanted to smash something with his bare hands. “Let me get this straight. You’re leaving me because of Sassy, because you feel I’ve let her down?” he asked grimly.

  Gretchen shook her head. As the color left her face, she willed herself to be strong. “No, Matt,” she said softly. “I’m leaving you because it’s the right thing to do, because we’re at different places in our lives.”

  I’m looking forward to an empty nest, he’d said the first night they’d met. I’m looking forward to having my life back, to being free of parental responsibility on a daily basis for the first time in over two decades. Gretchen drew a deep breath. “You deserve your life back, Matt. And I deserve mine.” I don’t want to be a burden or a liability to you. I don’t want Zach Devin ever to feel that way, either.

  “And suppose I’m not comfortable with that?” he challenged, sauntering closer. “Suppose I think that this idea of yours is just a thinly veiled attempt to give me license to walk out on my responsibility?”

  “No one who ever knows you would ever question your gallantry or decency, Matt. But we need to think about the bigger picture. Your divorce was hard on all your kids, Sassy in particular.”

  “I know that,” he said roughly, pushing a hand through his hair impatiently.

  “I don’t want Zach Devin to have to go through that. I don’t want him to grow up thinking we’re always going to be together, only to find out one day that you’re not around and you’re not going to be.”

  Matt sighed, the depth of his weariness apparent. He closed the distance between them, cupped her ch
in in his hand. “I feel my responsibility deeply, Gretchen. I won’t walk out on you the way your first husband did.”

  But what if you don’t mend your relationship with Sassy, because of me...and Zach Devin? What if one day you wake up and realize you’ll never have a chance to be footloose and fancy-free? Will you end up hating me for that? Will the resentment you feel toward me cut so deep it will even end our friendship?

  Gretchen knew she couldn’t bear that. Agitated, she whirled away from him. “I’m not talking about duty, Matt,” she whispered hoarsely. “Or even a sexual fling that turned into a relationship for a brief while. I’m talking lifetime commitment. We can’t make that to each other. And considering why and how we got together, we shouldn’t even try.” They had to be sensible here. They had to protect Zach Devin. They had to do what was best for Matt, and best for his other three children, as well.

  He regarded her stoically. “You’re saying you want a divorce?” he asked in quiet desperation.

  Without warning, Gretchen recalled Angela’s words: Maybe if they’d divorced sooner and we’d grown up always having two homes and split holidays, it would have been easier.

  Gretchen swallowed and wished for strength as their eyes locked. “I’m saying I think it would be best, yes.”

  * * *

  “YOU COULD have the house. I could move out,” Matt suggested amiably as he parked in front of the efficiency hotel next to Northcross Mall.

  “No, Matt. I’ve inconvenienced you enough as it is,” Gretchen said, as if by rote. She wanted nothing more than to say her goodbyes and get this over with. “It’s enough that you’ve insisted upon paying for the hotel. This will be fine, really.”

  Matt disagreed. “If I’d known you were going to move out right after Zach Devin was born, I never would have encouraged you to give up your efficiency apartment,” he said.

  “Nor would I have done so,” Gretchen said calmly, knowing she was hurting him and hardly able to bear it. “But I didn’t know then how I’d feel now.” As though I had given you a son, taken away your freedom and torn apart your family all in one fell swoop.