Always On My Mind

by Jill Shalvis

  “That was not your fault,” Leah said.

  “But this might be your fault,” Aubrey said.

  Yeah. “This is bad. Very, very bad.”

  “No kidding, because now you’ve gotten Jack cut off of sex from every female within gossip distance,” Aubrey said.

  Leah thunked her forehead to the wall.

  “Leah?” Grandma Elsie’s voice came from the bedroom down the hall. “Is someone at the door, dear?”

  “No, it’s just me. Sorry to disturb you.” She took a deep breath. “This isn’t happening,” she whispered. “Was he mad?”

  “I think he was more shocked. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t get rejected a lot.”

  “No,” Leah agreed. Jack was usually the one doing the rejecting.

  “So now you owe him.”

  Leah quivered at the thought but brushed that aside. “I’m not going to sleep with Jack. I was just trying to do him a damn favor.”

  “Oh, I doubt there will be sleeping involved,” Aubrey said. “Danica was quite clear. She said she gives great date three. My guess is that it’s at least oral. Maybe even the biggee.”

  “The biggee?”

  “Butt stuff,” Aubrey said in a dramatic stage whisper.

  “Okay, that’s it. Give Ben the phone.”

  There was a brief pause, then Ben came on. He didn’t say a word, but she could sense his amusement.

  “You’d better take good care of her,” she warned him.

  “Don’t you think you should worry about your own problems?”

  “I’m not kidding. You’re driving her home, right? Just shove her inside her place, okay? Don’t let her talk you inside. She’s on a man embargo, but it’s been a few months, and she’s drunk…” Not to mention Leah had no idea how long it had been for Ben, and he was still trying to adjust to civilian life. He and Aubrey alone together was a disaster of massive proportions just waiting to happen. “She might temporarily forget about the man embargo and try to seduce you,” Leah told him, “and then she’ll hate you in the morning.”

  “So is it her virtue or mine you’re worried about?” he asked.

  “You’re not taking me seriously.”

  “On the contrary, I’m taking you very seriously. But I’m a big boy, Leah.”

  She replayed back in her mind what she’d just said to him and realized that in man-speak, she’d just pretty much told him to go sleep with Aubrey. “Okay, you know what? Forget everything I just said.”

  He laughed softly. “You’re cute when you backpedal. Haven’t seen you do that in a while.”

  “Dammit! I’m coming down there right now. Wait for me. I’ll take her home myself.”

  “I’ve got this, Leah.”

  “Ben—”

  “Worry about yourself,” he said and disconnected.

  She agonized for a minute and then decided she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t at least check on Aubrey, even if it meant seeing Jack. She drove to the bar, but though the place was still kicking, there was no sign of Aubrey or Ben.

  But Aubrey’s car was still in the lot.

  Leah pulled out her phone and texted her.

  You’d better be snoring and not having inappropriate rebound sex with Ben, who’d better not be having inappropriate stateside-again sex with you.

  There was no response. Crap. But since she didn’t have the moral high ground here, she tilted her head back and stared up at the moon. It was a gorgeous night. Warm. Quiet.

  She didn’t want to go back to her grandma’s. She wasn’t sure what to say to Jack, so going to him was out too. Plus there was that little matter in the back of her mind.

  You owe him…

  Rifling around in the back of her car, she came up with a bathing suit. Then, hiding beneath a towel, she changed.

  A long, moonlight swim had always cleared her thoughts; hopefully tonight would be no different.

  She bypassed the pier. It was illegal to jump off. Not that she had any problem with breaking a rule now and again, but it was low tide. She was restless, not suicidal.

  She walked to the water, which was calm. A half moon cast a lovely, peaceful blue glow as she tried to swim off her regrets. Telling Dee that she and Jack were together. That it had gotten out to everyone in town. What had happened at the bar with Danica.

  Leah had known Jack had been dating a couple of other women, and that hadn’t stopped her. In fact, she hadn’t even thought of them when she’d spouted off to Dee.

  What did that say about her?

  And now, thanks to Aubrey, she was also worried about owing him. At the thought of all that might entail, she got a full-body shiver. Deciding to attribute that to a chill, she kept swimming.

  You’re just a screwup, Leah. You’ll never amount to shit.

  She told her inner voice to shut up but couldn’t help but wonder if, for the first time, Jack would turn his picker skills on her. Would he find a way to dump her as a friend, citing her inability to finish anything? No, that was nothing new. Her lack of morals, given the lie she’d told his mom? No, Jack lied too. His entire career was based on the lie that he’d wanted to be a firefighter like his dad, when she knew damn well he’d only done it out of obligation. Sure, he’d loved being a Hotshot, but she sensed his restlessness. He wasn’t loving his job.

  Damn. They were both so screwed up. She slowed a moment and glanced back to the shore, catching sight of a big, built, attitude-ridden shadow that changed the rhythm of her heart rate even more than swimming. She blew out a breath and kicked it into gear, going hard and fast so she’d be too winded to talk, much less think.

  Maybe he’d get tired of waiting.

  But Jack had the patience of Job, so it was far more likely she’d drown.

  Unfortunately, he’d save her before that happened. He was good at saving her. Dammit. Trembling with exhaustion, she turned back, knowing she couldn’t outwait him. She’d never been able to.

  Chapter 8

  It wasn’t all that difficult to find Leah, once Jack set his mind to it. Since the beginning of time, when she’d been troubled, she’d been drawn to two things.

  Him.

  And the ocean.

  She hadn’t come to him. That was new. There’d been a time when she’d have come to him no matter what was troubling her.

  Except, of course, at the moment he was the source of her trouble, even though it was of her own making. The last time that had been the case, she’d left Lucky Harbor.

  But he knew she couldn’t leave now. She was here for her grandma, and though Leah had plenty of faults, her grandma meant too much to her. Unlike himself… He tried not to resent that, but there was no getting around the fact—he did resent it. He was pissed off that she had no idea what she’d meant to him back then.

  Or now.

  “Woof?”

  The soft, snuffling question came from a sleepy Kevin in the shotgun position at his side. Reaching over, Jack ruffled Kevin’s fur reassuringly, getting licked from chin to forehead for his efforts. Kevin wandered a little bit away and started sniffing. Knowing the signs, Jack grabbed a baggie from his truck and waited.

  Kevin continued to sniff around each and every rock within a twenty-foot radius, and then repeated his efforts. Twice. Finally, he sat and yawned.

  “Just do it already,” Jack said, waving the bag. “Before the pretty girl comes out of the water.”

  Kevin tipped up his head and stargazed.

  “Fine.” Jack shoved the bag in his pocket, his eyes following the form swimming out past the waves. She’d always been a hell of a swimmer. He could see flashes of pale skin as she moved quickly and efficiently at a full-out pace.

  Clearly, she was trying to outswim her demons.

  His heart squeezed a little, making room for a few other emotions besides his temper. Empathy. Maybe even reluctant affection. He could’ve gotten into the water with her, but it was after midnight and Christ, he was tired.

  Nothing good ever happens
after midnight.

  His mom had always said so, and in this case, he was willing to bet it was true. So he sat on the sand, positioned halfway between her car and the water, giving her no easy escape. And waited.

  And brooded.

  When Leah had first moved to Lucky Harbor, right next door to his childhood home, his life had been long summer days of riding bikes and body surfing, and longer summer nights lying in his bed listening to her father yell at her through the open windows.

  You never finish a damn thing, Leah. Not one damn thing. And you never will… You’re going to amount to nothing.

  Jack had been missing his own father at the time, and his gut would coil into a knot as she’d been spoken to so cruelly and thoughtlessly. “What the hell is wrong with you?” her dad would yell at her. “Didn’t you hear me? Are you deaf? Are you stupid? Maybe that’s it, you’re stupid. Is that it, Leah Marie? You’re fucking stupid?”

  Jack could still remember being flat on his back staring up at the ceiling, his hands fisted into tight balls, thinking that the wrong dad had died. It’d been the unforgiving, thoughtless wish of a grieving kid, but he’d never forgotten the fury coursing through him at what Leah endured.

  Or how sick he felt for her every time she’d crawl out of her window and into his. She’d stand there bathed by the moon’s glow, eyes filled with hurt, and he’d want to slay her dragons. He’d scoot over and make room for her, and she’d curl up on his bed, letting him hug her while she cried. And sometimes, much later, in the deep dark of the night after she’d finally fallen asleep, he’d cry too.

  He shook all that off now. He didn’t want to think of Leah as the skinny, mistreated, spitfire waif she’d once been. Nor did he want to think of her as his girlfriend, pretend or otherwise. He didn’t want to think of her at all. He wanted to be in bed with Danica, losing himself in the softness of her lush body.

  Instead he was here. Danicaless. And in spite of a very long shower, he still smelled like wine.

  The wind kicked up, and the temperature dropped. Not long now, he thought. Leah was tough as hell when it came right down to it, but she’d never liked to be cold.

  At his side, Kevin stirred, sniffing the air, glancing restlessly at Jack.

  “Yeah, she’ll come out soon,” Jack assured him. And then they’d deal with this mess she’d made. He wasn’t sure what he wanted more. To wrap his fingers around Leah’s pretty neck, or…

  And actually, it was the “or” troubling him now. Because he was having lots of odd and unexpected urges as it pertained to Leah, and he didn’t know what to do about them. Once upon a time, she’d been the only highlight in his day, the only one to make him smile. She was still that person, but there was something new between them, and he wasn’t sure if it was good. In fact, he was pretty sure he should be running like hell.

  Finally she swam in, and then she was standing up in the water, and he nearly swallowed his tongue. It’d been a damn long time since he’d seen her in a bathing suit. Maybe since high school, when she’d been a head taller than all the other girls and skinny as hell.

  She was still tall but she’d filled out in all the right places and then some. She wore a black bikini, nothing but a few straps low on her hips and two triangles over her breasts, and as a wave knocked her around a little, everything jiggled enticingly.

  And suddenly he went from slightly chilled to very overheated. Good Christ, she was…beautiful. It should’ve assuaged his simmering temper just looking at her, but instead it stoked it, making him tense as hell.

  Leah, on the other hand, was looking pretty carefree as she lifted her arms and shoved back her hair.

  At the sight, his brain utterly clicked off.

  She saw him then. He could tell because, from one blink of an eye to the next, she froze every single muscle. It’d have been fascinating to watch, except for the fact that she was freezing up over him. She’d never reacted this way before. He didn’t like it. And besides, he was the wronged party here. He was the one who got to be pissy.

  “You’re still here,” she said flatly.

  Kevin, who clearly hadn’t received the temper memo, bounded over to her, his paws going straight to her shoulders as he gave her the universal Kevin greeting—a lick from chin to forehead.

  “You big oaf,” she said, and then hugged him before pushing him off her.

  Kevin sat happily at her feet, panting, looking up at her adoringly.

  “Nice,” she said. “But I don’t have any doggie treats on me.”

  With a sigh, Kevin flopped all the way down.

  Leah met Jack’s gaze. “You scared me.”

  “You need to be more aware of your surroundings.”

  Dripping water everywhere, she crossed her arms over herself. “It’s Lucky Harbor.”

  He rose to his feet. “Bad shit can happen anywhere.”

  She met his gaze for one brief beat and then looked away. “What are you doing here, Jack?”

  “I figured as your ‘almost fiancé,’ I should see how you’re doing.”

  She winced but didn’t respond.

  “What the hell is this all about, Leah?”

  “You know what it’s about,” she said, hugging herself a little tighter.

  She always got defensive when she screwed up, and since she’d screwed up a lot, she had a lot of practice.

  “My mom has enough going on,” he said. “She doesn’t need to be lied to.”

  “Maybe not. But she does need to be happy to heal. And this made her happy. All week she’s been glowing.”

  He knew it was true, and a stab of guilt hit him that he hadn’t been able to make her happy without help.

  Leah didn’t say anything more, but she didn’t have to. Yeah, she’d gotten them into this mess, but he knew damn well it’d been out of the goodness of her heart. Jack knew that she thought she owed him for all those years ago, when he’d done his best to protect her, the chivalry having been deeply ingrained by his dad.

  But they were even.

  In the dark, Leah shivered, and that chivalry made him feel torn between enjoying the sight of her cold and wanting to wrap her up in his arms. “Where’s your towel?”

  “In the car.”

  He pulled off his sweatshirt and tugged it over her head.

  “I’ll get it wet,” she said.

  “It’ll dry.”

  “I’m—”

  “Just wear the damn sweatshirt, Leah.”

  There was an awkward silence while they stared at each other as behind her the water pounded the shore.

  “I realize that this is really hard for you,” she finally said, pulling on his sweatshirt. “Having everyone think you like me that way. You’ll just have to pretend.”

  He narrowed his eyes. Had that been sarcasm? Or…

  Hurt?

  “There was a time when I wouldn’t have had to pretend anything,” he said. “But you flaked out, remember? You pretended, and then you left.”

  She grimaced, swallowed hard, and looked away. “We were just kids.”

  Was that how it played in her head? Seriously? “Does it make you feel better?” he asked quietly. “To downplay what we were to each other?”

  She closed her eyes. “We were friends, Jack. Friends who’d made a quick, knee-jerk, stupid decision to become naked friends and sleep together.”

  “Yeah. And then one of the friends didn’t show,” he said, much more mildly than he felt.

  “It was a bad idea. I was leaving.”

  “Which you forgot to mention.”

  She dropped her head back and stared up at the sky. “I couldn’t stay, Jack.”

  He took in her expression, filled with memories, and nodded. “I know. But you should have told me you were going.”

  “You had another girl in your bed by the following weekend.”

  Had he? Hell, probably. But she wouldn’t have meant anything to him. Not like Leah had. His chest tightened at the memory of the hole she’d left in h
is life. He didn’t want to go through that again. “I missed you.”

  She said nothing, and he shook his head. Fuck it. He started to walk away, and then she spoke.

  “Brandi Metcalf.”

  He stopped. “What?”

  “Brandi Metcalf was the one in your bed by the next weekend.” She turned her head and glared at him. “Pretty, blond Brandi with the perfect boobs.” She emphasized this by cupping her hands out in front of her own breasts. “So don’t even try to tell me you missed me.”

  He shook his head. Apparently he wasn’t the only pissed-off one tonight. “How about the women I’m dating now?” he asked. “What am I supposed to tell them?”

  She hunched her shoulders a little bit, clearly getting irritated on top of defensive. “You’re the one who taught me how to dump someone, back in high school. You said”—she affected a lower voice, presumably imitating him—“just look him in the eyes, Leah, with your own gaze all carefully dialed in to sad and regretful. And then you say, ‘I’m sorry, I just really need to work on myself right now.’” She went back to her own voice and gave him an eye roll. “You said that no one could argue with that.”

  Had he said that? Jesus. “I was an asshole, Leah.”

  She gave him a look that said he was still an asshole. So he proved it. “And who says I’m dumping anyone?”

  She faltered for the first time, taking a minute to choose her words. “I guess I thought that for the sake of your mom, you’d do yourself in the shower like all the rest of us sex-deprived people.” At that, she started to stride past him, but he caught her arm.

  “Okay,” he said. “Let’s have it.”

  “Let’s have what?”

  “Well, I know why I’m pissed. Why the hell are you pissed?”

  “It’s not like it’s going to be a walk in the park for me either,” she said, giving him a little shot to the chest. “Pretending to like you.”

  “Me?” he asked, flabbergasted. “What the hell is there not to like about me?”

  The sound she made assured him that she had volumes on the subject. “Don’t get me started.”