Always On My Mind

by Jill Shalvis

  Tearing herself from Jack, Leah’s breath came out in ragged pants as she whirled to the duplex.

  Ben stood on his stoop in nothing but navy-blue boxers, looking big, bad, and rumpled. “What the hell?”

  “Go back inside,” Jack told him.

  “And miss the show?”

  “We’re just…working something out.”

  Clearly in no hurry, Ben leaned against the doorjamb. “That kind of ‘working something out’ could get you arrested for indecent exposure.”

  Jack gave him a look that would have had Leah needing to check her pants, but not Ben.

  “Fine,” Ben said. “But you have a bedroom. You might want to think about using it before pictures of you two jumping each other’s bones ends up on Facebook.”

  The door shut behind him, and Leah let out a shuddering breath. There was a hum of something coursing through her veins, a combination of things. Fear, which had been present ever since she’d heard the “firefighter down” go out on the scanner. Aching regret, for starting this whole mess in the first place. And lingering anger, which she suspected was really misplaced worry.

  And something more.

  Need.

  For him.

  Whatever Jack wanted to believe, she knew him. Maybe she knew him better than just about anyone else, in spite of all the years they’d spent apart.

  He was unhappy. Oh, the stubborn ass would never admit it. Hell, he’d deny it, and this sparked her temper all over again because he was standing there stoic and edgy, the adrenaline still pouring off him in waves.

  It made her want to hug him, which was just about as smart as wanting to hug a caged leopard. But that was Leah. Drawn to things that were bad for her. And Jack was bad for her, always had been. Not to her physical well-being, of course. Nothing as simple as that.

  Nope, he was lethal to something else—her heart.

  Shaking his head, muttering something about needing to be alone now, Jack headed to his garage. Inside was his lovingly restored Indian motorcycle. Shoving on his helmet, he straddled the beast.

  And Leah’s heart hitched. After his father had died, there’d been a period of time when Jack had gone feral. Wild. She’d always known when he’d been about to go off and do something stupid because there’d been a certain energy to him, the kind he had now. And oh, how that wild side of him appealed to her. Back then, she’d always begged and pleaded to be a part of that trouble.

  He’d never let her, not once.

  Looking back, she knew why. He’d been protecting her, in the only way he knew how. And he was still doing it. That’s what the other night had been about, his “rules” about no hurt feelings.

  In light of that, she had no explanation for the kiss he’d just laid on her, absolutely none. This was probably because her brain hadn’t kicked back on yet. God knew her body was still trembling in hopeful anticipation.

  The thing was, though, she no longer needed protection. She handled herself. And she could handle him too. She wanted to, especially because he had that look in his eyes, the one he got when he was especially tired or angry. It made him seem especially rough around the edges and wary, as if maybe he knew he couldn’t count on his normally sharp senses to keep him functioning. She’d never say so, but she liked him best this way because it proved he wasn’t a superhero at all, but just a man.

  Either the fire had gotten to him more than he’d let on or he was worried about his mom. Maybe both. Hell, maybe it was her too. Clearly, he’d intended to get out, go a little crazy, blow off steam. But this time, she wasn’t going to be sent home. Stepping close, she put a hand on his arm. “Take me with you.”

  “Hell no.”

  Refusing to be left behind, she simply stepped close and got on the bike behind him. She felt him exhale deeply, but before he could make her get off, she slid her arms around his waist and pressed her face to his back.

  And that was absolutely the undoing of the last of her anger because even though he’d showered, he still smelled faintly like smoke, and the reminder of what he did every single day only made her want him all the more.

  “Leah.” Gruff. Pissed. His muscles flexed beneath her cheek but she held on, her palms flat against his abs. A wordless response rumbled in his chest—most likely an oath—and then he was reaching up and pulling off his helmet, which he handed back to her.

  “No,” she said. “I’m not taking your helmet—”

  “Wear it or get off.”

  She knew how to pick her battles so she took off her baseball cap, grabbed the helmet, and pulled it down over her head.

  “Hold on,” he said.

  And then the bike leaped to life beneath his very capable hands. So she did as he’d ordered.

  She held on…

  Chapter 13

  In five minutes, Leah and Jack were out on the highway, going fast enough to make her heart pound as they leaned into the S-turns.

  Or maybe that was from being plastered up against his back, her legs spread by his hips, every inch of her in contact with his body.

  And his body. Holy cow. How had she never been affected by how tough and built he was? Combined with the rumble of the horsepower beneath her, his body had her in a state that only got more and more pronounced the higher they climbed.

  There was a cliff on their right now, where far below the Pacific Ocean pitched and rolled, fog lingering in long, silver fingers on the frothy water. The Olympic Mountains stood on their left, tall, majestic, rugged, and wearing their pretty fall colors.

  Ahead of them, the road wound its narrow way upward, and Jack steered into the sharp curves. A sign warned them to keep a lookout for unexpected animal crossings. Out here, that could mean deer, bears, anything really. But nothing crossed their path at all, and Leah could feel some of the tension slowly leave Jack.

  Half an hour later, the sun was much higher in the sky, and they were up near Beaut Point. A fitting place, as Jack had been the first person to ever bring her here.

  She’d been in eighth grade, and the day had sucked. In the girls’ locker room after PE, she’d realized someone had hidden her clothes. Standing there in nothing but her undies, the five mean girls who always made her life a living hell had surrounded her. She’d been tall even back then and had developed breasts early, which she’d hated, just two more ways in which she’d been different from everyone else. She could still feel the heat of embarrassment and shame standing there nearly naked as one of the girls had shoved her.

  Leah’d gone down on her ass. Before she could scramble back up again, there’d been the sound of the door slamming open, and the girls had scattered.

  And then a shirt had been tossed over her.

  When she’d looked up, Jack had stood there, shirtless, scowling at her. “I’ve told you,” he’d said. “Just hit one, any one of them, hard. One time is all you need.”

  The next time the girls had surrounded her in the locker room, she’d done just that.

  And had gotten suspended for a week.

  But the punishment from her father had been far worse. He’d yelled and screamed at her until her ears had been ringing. She’d dared to interrupt the tirade, attempting to tell him that this wasn’t her fault, and he’d slapped her.

  Later that next night when she’d crawled out of her bedroom window and into Jack’s, he’d been waiting for her. They’d sneaked into his garage and “borrowed” his mom’s car. They’d come here and then had climbed down to the mouth of the caves and sat watching the stars swirl in the sky far above.

  It still ranked as the best night of her teenage years.

  Now Jack stopped the bike so they were overlooking the ocean far below. He turned off the engine, and they sat there a moment, still. Not speaking.

  Hell, Leah was hardly breathing.

  Still locked around Jack like white on rice, she didn’t want to break the spell. Right now, right here in this moment, she wasn’t worried about her grandma. About money. About the bakery. About he
r future and what the hell she was going to screw up next. She wasn’t worried about anything, in fact. She felt…safe. And maybe content.

  Although maybe “content” wasn’t quite right, since her entire body was humming with a sort of anticipation and heat that spoke of the very opposite of content.

  She was aroused.

  Not sure exactly what Jack was feeling, she started to get off the bike, but he took one of his hands from the handlebars and gently squeezed her fingers, where they were resting low on his abs. “We have a rule in place,” he said.

  Right. No one gets hurt because this wasn’t real. “Then why did you kiss me like that? Like you wanted me so badly you couldn’t help yourself?”

  He didn’t answer for a long moment. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” he said.

  “We’ve managed to not ruin anything so far.” She pulled off the helmet and set it behind her. “And we’ve done some pretty stupid stuff.”

  “Not yet, we haven’t.”

  Her arms went around him again, flattening her hands on his abs, which clenched. Lightly, she let her fingers drift up and down. “I know you, Jack,” she murmured. “I know what you need right now.”

  He let out a long breath when her hands drifted up high on his chest, and then low again, just to the loose waistband of his low-riding jeans.

  “Aren’t you even the slightest bit curious?” she wondered. “To see what it’d be like between us?”

  He made a very male sound, one that told her he’d given it more than a passing thought.

  “It’d make our lie to your mom half true,” she said.

  “Our lie?” he asked so dryly that she laughed.

  “You know what I mean.”

  He caught her wandering fingers in his and brought their joined hands up to his mouth, brushing his lips against her knuckles. “I have another rule.”

  She dropped her head to his back and laughed again. “Mr. Control. Fine. What’s this new rule?”

  “No promises.”

  Her heart caught. Once, a long time ago, she’d made him that promise, and she’d broken it. She’d never let herself believe that it had really mattered to him, but she could admit that he had reason to doubt her. “I’m good with no promises.”

  “Yes,” he said. “You are.”

  Ouch. “I have a rule too,” she said evenly, pulling her hands back and sliding off the bike.

  He cocked his head, waiting.

  “If there are no promises, at least keep your…options from your mom.”

  “Options?”

  “Yeah. I’m not going to go to all this trouble only to have the whole thing messed up by one of your blond bimbos.”

  She’d expected him to smile. He didn’t. “Who?” he said instead. “Who are your options?”

  She shivered at his commanding tone. Sexy, in a caveman sort of way. “Maybe I have several.”

  He just leveled her with a narrow-eyed, steely stare and waited her out.

  “Fine,” she said, caving like a cheap suitcase. “I don’t have any. Happy now?”

  “I’m something, but happy isn’t it.” He studied her a moment longer, and she returned the favor. The exhaustion was shadowing his eyes. There was a rough, two-day growth on his square jaw and strain in those broad shoulders.

  Drawn to him like a moth to the flame, she held out her hand to him. Without hesitation, he put his in hers, letting her pull him off the bike.

  They climbed down to the caves and sat there, completely alone, watching the morning sun shimmer on the water three hundred feet below as it crashed into the rocky shore.

  “Yes,” he finally said, startling her.

  “Yes what?”

  Turning his head from the water, he looked at her, his eyes filled with enough heat to blow her hair back. “Oh,” she breathed, and her nipples hardened. “You mean…” Suddenly her mouth was dry, and all she could do was swallow hard. “Here?”

  “You change your mind already? After all the convincing arguments and fact citing?”

  No. Hell no, she hadn’t changed her mind. This had been her idea, after all. Except…dammit. Some of that same old panic she’d felt that night long ago flooded her now.

  Because this wasn’t just any guy.

  It was Jack, and expectations were at a lifetime high, at least for her. What if she didn’t do it for him? What if she wasn’t everything he needed? What if she screwed this up? “What if it doesn’t work?” she whispered.

  “What if what doesn’t work?”

  Not willing to let him see her fears, she went on the offensive. “Um…what if we don’t turn each other on?”

  He blinked, and she realized he was truly flummoxed by this question. Not getting turned on had never occurred to him. If this wasn’t so deadly serious, she’d have laughed because he was such a guy.

  “You get naked first,” she decided.

  “Why?”

  Her heart was pounding, and her palms were slick with nerves, but she gave him a cool smile. “Well, what if you’re ugly beneath all those clothes? I might have no choice but to rethink my options.”

  He narrowed his eyes again. “New rule.”

  “Oh my God. Now? You want to talk about your rules now? I don’t want to discuss your other women right now, if you don’t mind.”

  “No others,” he said. “Not for me, and not for you. No options, period.”

  Her heart was at stroke level now. “So…an exclusive pretend relationship.”

  “That’s right,” he said, eyes surprisingly serious. “Tell me we have a deal, Leah.”

  This wasn’t exactly a hardship for her, not that she was going to say so. “Deal.”

  He paused. “That felt too easy.”

  She smiled, trying to look innocent. Because he was getting off topic. And besides, they both knew he wasn’t ugly beneath his clothes. He was perfect. Not wanting to lose control of this situation, she rose to her feet and pulled off her sweater.

  He watched her, not moving a single, big muscle.

  “Well?” she said.

  “Well what?”

  “Are you turned on?”

  “Leah, I’ve been turned on since I kissed you over a week ago on the beach. But—”

  “No. No more buts,” she said quickly and kicked off the boots she’d gotten in Amsterdam, trying to look sexy while doing it.

  Problem was, he still wasn’t looking impressed, so she pulled off her tank top and then hesitated. She hadn’t dressed for seduction, hadn’t realized…and she was wearing a plain cotton, black sports bra that covered her more than a bathing suit would.

  Worse, Jack didn’t appear overcome with lust.

  “Now you,” she said desperately. “You have to lose something.”

  “But you’re not finished.” He leaned back on his elbows, all long, sprawled-out grace. The caged leopard at rest…

  Good Lord. “Fine.” She shoved off her jeans. Dammit. To go with her sports bra, her panties were laundry day panties, faded yellow, and worse, they had “Thursday” printed across the butt.

  It was Sunday.

  Jack grinned.

  “This isn’t supposed to be funny.” Mad, she bent over, reaching for her tank top, determined to get dressed again and somehow find her dignity while she was at it.

  Somehow.

  But Jack, moving silent and fast as a wild cat would have, stepped up behind her.

  “Forget it, Jack—”

  “Shh.” With his big body snug at her back, his hands went to her hips, holding her in place.

  She froze, thinking he’d heard or seen someone—but he didn’t move. “What are you doing?” she hissed.

  “I like this position.”

  Straightening up, she tried to push free, but he held her still, his hands sliding up from her hips to her breasts, his quick, clever thumbs rasping over her nipples. “And this one,” he said low and husky. “I really like this position too.”

  He was hard—she could feel hi
m pressing into her—and that went a long way toward soothing her bruised ego. Turning in the circle of his arms, she faced him so her breasts smashed into his chest.

  “And this one,” he murmured, his hands sliding down to cup and squeeze her ass.

  The rest of her embarrassment and anger dissolved, and she felt a reluctant smile curve her mouth. “I’m getting the idea you like all the positions.”

  “Every single one,” he assured her.

  Chapter 14

  Around them, the day went on. Insects buzzed. The sun warmed. The wind, what there was of it, stayed outside the cave rustling only the very tips of the two-hundred-foot-tall pines surrounding them. The sounds were as familiar to Leah as her own breathing and brought comfort.

  The man in front of her had always brought comfort too. But now, in this moment, he brought something entirely different.

  Holding her gaze, Jack stroked a strand of hair off her forehead. “Still with me?”

  “Yes,” she said with far more confidence than she really felt.

  Seeing right through her, he smiled. “We’re going to do this, Leah,” he said calmly. “We’re going to take one for the team.”

  Oh God. Yes. It was what she wanted, desperately. But…had she coerced him into it? Into wanting her?

  Of course she had.

  If only she wasn’t standing there in her plain cotton underwear. The least she could’ve done was arm herself with something really silky and lacy. No, wait. Armor. Yeah, armor would have been perfect. Something to protect her heart—

  “I want you, Leah.”

  Some of her doubt must have still been visible because he cupped her jaw and met her gaze. “I want you,” he repeated softly, his fingers sliding into her hair.

  The words and his voice melted her. It was just that simple for him, she realized, as he stared her down, letting her see the hunger in his gaze. It’d been a long time since he’d looked at her like that. She’d have liked to savor it, but she couldn’t resist the promise in every line of his body.