Too Late to Paint the Roses

by Jeanne Whitmee

  ‘I wasn’t—’

  ‘Having someone challenge me about it is better than being ostracized,’ she went on. ‘If there was an unpleasant scene it wasn’t of my making.’

  I wondered if this was a grudging attempt at an apology. ‘Actually I’m not here for that,’ I told her. ‘At least, not directly.’

  ‘So what then? Come on, I haven’t got all day even if you have. Spit it out and let me get back to b … to getting changed.’

  ‘To be frank, I couldn’t understand why you wanted to hurt Ian so badly,’ I said. ‘What has he ever done to deserve it?’

  To her credit she looked ashamed. Her sharp eyes slid away from mine. ‘It wasn’t my intention to hurt him,’ she mumbled. ‘It was Janet. Like I said, she started it all. She wound me up. She always does.’

  ‘I think she was angry with you,’ I ventured.

  ‘Huh! When isn’t she angry with me?’

  ‘Have you and she always disliked each other so much?’ I asked.

  She shot me a hostile look. ‘What the hell has it got to do with you?’

  ‘Quite a lot, actually,’ I said. ‘I happen to love Ian very much and I hate seeing him unhappy. If you really want to hear the truth from my point of view I’ll tell you. You invited yourself to Mary Sullivan’s house on Christmas Day. Mary is my best friend. She’s kind and generous and hospitable and I hated seeing her insulted. And yes, since you mention it, you did ruin Christmas – for all of us. And it was your fault.’

  For a moment I thought she would lash out at me again, but as I watched, her belligerent expression vanished and the corners of her mouth drooped. She bit her lip as she fumbled in her dressing gown pocket for a handkerchief. ‘All right, I know,’ she muttered. ‘It was and what’s more, I’m ashamed to say that I got a kick out of it – at the time. As soon as I knew Janet was going to be there I made up my mind I was going to show her up. Trouble was everybody else got the fall-out.’ She blew her nose noisily and shoved the handkerchief back into her pocket. ‘There! I’ve said it. It was despicable. I’m a bitch and I know it.’

  I hid a smile. ‘Was that meant to be an apology?’

  ‘It was an admission and that’s as far as I’m going!’ She straightened her back and stared at me. ‘Anyway, I thought you were going to make me a cup of tea.’

  I stood up, relieved that at last I seemed to have broken through the barrier, ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Milk and sugar?’

  ‘Just milk.’

  ‘Right. Biscuits?’

  ‘Cupboard next to the cooker.’

  As we sat with our tea I tried again. ‘What is it between you two? Has Janet really always been jealous of you?’

  She dipped her biscuit into her teacup thoughtfully and took a deep breath. ‘You want the truth?’

  ‘Of course.’

  She paused. ‘This is just between you and me, right?’

  ‘No one else knows I’m here.’

  ‘Good. Let’s keep it that way.’ She looked at me. ‘I like you,’ she said. ‘You call a spade a spade like I do and I can tell it’s no use trying to pull the wool over your eyes.’

  The soggy half of the tea-soaked biscuit suddenly fell into her teacup with a plop. ‘Shit!’ she said. ‘Look at that; the bloody story of my life.’

  ‘I thought you’d had a wonderful life, Amanda,’ I said gently.

  She sighed. ‘Janet was never really jealous of me,’ she said. ‘It was the other way round. She was the clever one at school, always in favour with our parents. She was the one with the musical flair, playing the piano and singing – showing off all the time, getting all the praise. She had the looks too; classical looks, not Barbie doll pretty like me. I couldn’t be bothered to study hard at school – knew I’d never better her in that. I was a complete dud at music so I decided to be a stage and film star. I thought I’d show them all in the end.’

  ‘And you did. Didn’t that make you feel you’d evened the score?’

  She sighed. ‘To tell you the honest truth it never quite worked out. I wasn’t the big star I made out to be. Oh, I tried. I slept with all the right people to get the parts I wanted but in the end I never amounted to anything more than a jobbing actress. Number three tours; weekly rep. Meantime, Janet made an effortless success of her singing, damn her! And hooked herself a dishy husband into the bargain.’

  ‘I see.’ All this was a revelation to me. Amanda looked up at me. ‘So what did I do in desperation to get the better of her? I seduced her husband.’ She gave a dry little laugh. ‘Poor old George. He never stood a chance once I got my hooks into him. But it all went wrong. Did he leave her? Like hell he did! It was only the once and, eaten up with guilt he confessed all to her, the silly sod, and she, like the saint she is, forgave him. As for me – soon afterwards I found out I was up the stick! Talk about hoist with my own petard!’

  ‘You never considered an abortion?’

  She shrugged. ‘I was in denial, bloody stupid. I kept thinking that if I ignored it, it would go away. By the time I was forced to face up to the truth, it was too late.’

  ‘But at least George and Janet brought up your child,’ I said.

  She looked at me. ‘They took the only thing I ever did that was any good from me, you mean.’ She said bleakly. ‘Oh yes, I thought it was the perfect answer at the time. They’d take the baby and I could carry on striving for that big break. Then he was born.’ She raised her eyes to mine. ‘You of all people must know what it’s like when you look at that tiny life you’ve just been through hell to give birth to. I adored him on sight. The thought of giving him away ripped my heart out.’

  ‘Yes, I do know how it feels,’ I told her. ‘I meant to have Jamie adopted but when it came to it I couldn’t have parted with him to save my life.’ I looked at her. ‘You did though.’

  ‘I compromised,’ she said. ‘I wouldn’t put George’s name on the birth certificate. That, believe it or not was for Ian’s sake – mine too if I’m truthful. It wasn’t a pretty story for a child to grow up with. I compromised – let them change his name to theirs by deed poll on condition that he must never know George was his father. But I wouldn’t let them adopt him legally. That way he would still be mine and I’d get to see him when ever I wanted to.’

  ‘Wasn’t that selfish?’

  ‘Maybe. But they had the best of the deal. Janet got the child she wanted so badly. George got off the hook and Ian had a good home and loving parents.’ She looked up and suddenly I saw past the glittering defiance to the pain behind it. ‘How do you think it felt seeing her forming a mother-son bond with my boy? The bond they still have and that he and I will never share. Whatever you might think, I’ve never stopped loving him, you know.’

  ‘But you had the best of both worlds, didn’t you? You had to sacrifice something.’ Another thought suddenly occurred to me. ‘Did Janet give up her singing career to take Ian?’

  ‘I don’t think she was ever that keen – or that good either in my opinion.’ She shrugged. ‘Anyway, it was her choice.’

  ‘And your choice to withhold the knowledge of who Ian’s father was,’ I said. ‘Until last Christmas Day, when you told him yourself – out of spite.’

  She frowned. ‘I know, and do you think I haven’t agonized over it ever since? she said. ‘If I could turn the clock back I would, but it’s done now.’ She sighed. ‘I’ve been hoping he’d come and see me so that I could explain it all properly.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Amanda but I’m afraid it might be some time before he forgets the shock of hearing it the way he did.’

  ‘Maybe you’ll put in a good word for me,’ she said. ‘Tell your friend, Mary that I’m sorry. And speak to Ian for me. You know what it is to be a mother.’

  ‘I’ve already told you, no one knows I’m here.’

  ‘But now that I’ve told you the truth surely you’ll be on my side.’

  ‘I’m only on one person’s side and that’ Ian’s,’ I told her. I looked at my watch and stood
up. ‘I’ll have to be going. It’s time to pick up Jamie from school.’ I headed for the door and Amanda stood up.

  ‘You’re so lucky to have him,’ she said wistfully. ‘Thank you for coming, Elaine. I’m glad we’ve had this little chat.’ She touched my arm as I reached for the door handle. I turned to look at her. She looked small and shrivelled – pathetic, and I felt a tug of pity.

  ‘So am I,’ I said. ‘And I hope you’ll feel better soon.’

  Going down in the lift I thought over all she had said. I thanked heaven that I had Jamie and that Ian had had someone like Janet to bring him up. When all was said and done there were two sides to every story. In this one there were no winners.

  About a week after I’d been to visit Amanda Ian was invited to go for an interview at Jamie’s school. It was to take place one afternoon after school and Jamie and I waited eagerly for his return. He didn’t say much when he came home, although he seemed impressed by the school’s interest in music.

  ‘Not many primary schools have an orchestra and a choir,’ he said.

  ‘I didn’t know they had a choir,’ I said.

  ‘We don’t,’ Jamie chimed in.

  ‘They’re about to start one next year,’ Ian told him. ‘So whoever gets the job will have to be choir master as well as orchestra conductor.’

  Jamie pulled a face. ‘I don’t fancy being in a choir,’ he said.

  ‘Well maybe you won’t be asked,’ I pointed out. ‘Anyway if you get that scholarship to St Cecilia’s you won’t even be there.’

  Two days later Ian received a letter offering him the job. We went out to celebrate with Jamie to the local café with sticky buns and lemonade.

  As summer got under way we had the usual rush of weddings to cater for. To our delight we were engaged to cater for the reception at the wedding of the Langleys’ younger daughter, Frances. As before the reception was to take place in a marquee in the garden of the bride’s home. For the first time we suggested that the wedding cake could be provided by us and showed Frances and her mother photographs of Janet’s work. To our delight they accepted and commissioned Janet to make the cake.

  Ian was asked to provide the music as before but he turned the offer down. He’d promised to take Jamie to a school cricket match and he didn’t want to let him down.

  The Saturday of the wedding dawned fine and sunny. When I got up at six to drive over to Mary’s there was a fine mist over everything. By seven o’clock it was already warm and by the time we were packed and ready to go the heat had become oppressive. Ever since early that morning I’d had a niggling pain but I’d said nothing. After all it was a big day and I was sure it would wear off as the morning went on.

  We picked Janet up and drove to the Langleys where the marquee was already up. The hired furniture was already in place and the florists were busy with their arrangements. Janet and I laid and decorated the tables while Mary unpacked the food and began the preparation in the kitchen. As we worked Janet kept looking at me, eventually she asked if anything was wrong.

  ‘Are you all right, Elaine? You’re looking a bit peaky.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I told her. ‘I think the heat is getting to me.’ I laughed. ‘Can’t afford to be anything else but fine today, can I?’

  She touched my arm. ‘My dear – I’ve been wondering lately – tell me to mind my own business but you’re not…?’

  ‘Pregnant?’ I finished for her. ‘Well, between you and me I think I just might be. But not a word to anyone because I haven’t even told Ian yet.’

  ‘Have you done a test – seen a doctor?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’ve had other things on my mind, to tell you the truth. We’ve been so busy. I thought I’d wait until the third month.’

  She looked doubtful but she said nothing more.

  The wedding was at twelve o’clock. We were serving a three course meal and by 12.30 the starters were already on the tables. The bridal party arrived just before one and our hired waitresses circulated with trays of drinks. All morning the pain had been worsening and by the time all the guests were seated I hardly knew how to bear it. The main course was served and I heaved a sigh of relief. That was the worst over. The desserts were cold and everything was plated up and ready. In the kitchen Mary looked at me.

  ‘Elaine, you’re not very well, are you?’

  I forced a smile. ‘I’m fine.’ But even as I said it the pain seized me again and I gasped, doubling up. Mary looked alarmed.

  ‘Darlin’ what is it? You look terrible.’

  I gritted my teeth. ‘I think I might be pregnant, Mary. You don’t think I could be losing it, do you?’

  ‘Why on earth didn’t you say something before?’ She was pulling off her apron. ‘Right, that’s it,’ she said. ‘I’m taking you straight to A and E.’

  I shook my head. ‘We can’t leave Janet here on her own.’

  Janet, who had been listening, stepped forward. ‘Yes you can, we’ve done most of the work. I can manage the champagne for the toasts with the help of the waitresses. I think we should get an ambulance.’

  ‘We can’t have an ambulance turning up here. It will put a damper on the wedding,’ I muttered.

  ‘Blow that!’ Mary said. ‘You’re going to the hospital. I’m going to go and find Mrs Langley and explain to her. I know she’ll agree with me.’

  As it happened it was Mary who drove me to the hospital. ‘Where’s Ian?’ she asked, looking at me anxiously as she drove. ‘I rang the house before we left but there was no reply.’

  ‘He’s taken Jamie to a cricket match out at Little Basset,’ I told her. ‘He’s got his mobile with him though.’

  ‘Right, we’ll just get you to the hospital and then I’ll ring him.’

  ‘Not yet,’ I begged her. ‘Not until we know. It might just be a false alarm.’

  In A and E things happened fast. The pain grew so severe that I could hardly bear it and I began to drift in and out of consciousness. I was vaguely aware of being wheeled somewhere to be scanned. Later I learned that it showed that the embryo had been developing inside a fallopian tube which had ruptured causing me to bleed internally. I was rushed up to the theatre, anaesthetized and knew nothing more until I came round in the recovery room where a nurse explained gently that there was no baby and that I’d had what was known as an ectopic pregnancy. Barely able to take it in I drifted off again.

  Next time I woke I was in a small side ward hooked up to a transfusion drip. Ian was sitting by the bed, holding my hand and looking anxious. When I opened my eyes he looked relieved.

  ‘Hello, darling – how are you feeling?’

  I managed a smile. ‘Better for seeing you.’

  He leaned across and kissed me. ‘You gave us all such a fright,’ he said. ‘Darling, why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?’

  ‘I wanted to wait until I was sure.’ My eyes filled with tears. ‘Anyway, I wasn’t really, was I – not properly?’ I thought of my baby struggling to grow in the wrong place and an overwhelming sadness engulfed me. ‘Was it something I did? Was it my fault?’ Helpless tears rolled down my cheeks and Ian pulled a tissue from the box on the locker and dabbed them away.

  ‘Shhh. Of course it wasn’t your fault. Don’t cry.’ He kissed me and stroked my hair. ‘Nothing you did could have made this happen so stop worrying. I love you, darling. All that really matters to me is that you’re all right. I’m going to let you get some rest now before Sister throws me out. She told me five minutes only. But I’ll be back again later. Get some sleep now and let the transfusion do its work. I’ll see you this evening.’

  Mr Frazer, the obstetrician came to see me a couple of hours later. He explained in more detail what had gone wrong and reassured me again that it could not have been avoided.

  ‘When can I go home?’ I asked.

  ‘We’ll need to keep you another few days,’ he told me. ‘You’ve had a very severe haemorrhage and we want to make sure you’re completely well.’

/>   ‘When will I be able to have another baby?’ I asked.

  He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘Unfortunately I’m afraid you’re unlikely to conceive again,’ he said gently. ‘In most cases only one tube is affected but in your case we found that the other one was damaged too.’

  The tears began again and he patted my shoulder. ‘I believe you already have a young son.’ I nodded. ‘Then at least you’re lucky enough to have him,’ he said.

  ‘My – my partner,’ I muttered.

  ‘I’ve already had a word with him,’ he told me. ‘He was naturally very worried about you and asked to speak to me this afternoon after we’d operated.’

  ‘I see. So he knows.’

  ‘Yes.’

  When he’d gone I lay staring at the wall. Would Ian still want me now that he knew I would never be able to give him a child of his own? It wasn’t something we’d discussed although there was a tacit understanding between us that we’d start a family at some point in the future. I dreaded visiting time when he’d come again. I’d know how he felt about it the moment I saw his face.

  As it happened I was asleep again when he arrived. I woke to see him sitting at the bedside, a huge bunch of flowers and a box of my favourite chocolates on the table at the end of the bed. He smiled.

  ‘Hi there. You look much better.’ He bent to kiss me. ‘Jamie wanted to come but I said better wait until you came home. I didn’t want him to be scared. Sister said only one visitor for today.’

  ‘Mr Frazer came to see me.’ I looked at him. ‘He said he’d spoken to you.’

  ‘That’s right. It was earlier. I asked to see him.’

  ‘He told you – that I wouldn’t be able to….’ I couldn’t bring myself to frame the actual words but Ian cupped my cheek gently with his hand.

  ‘I know, and you’re not to worry about it,’ he said quickly. ‘You’re okay and that’s the most important thing. There’s something I need to ask you. I know I should probably wait until you’re feeling better but I can’t.’

  ‘What is it?’ I asked fearfully.