So Good

by Snow, Jenika

  “Fuck,” I said harshly, but kept my voice low. Not only was Stephan going through his own shit and needed me to be strong for everyone, but I’d just gone and kissed his daughter. I’d just gone and staked my claim on her. And as much as I knew that being with her was not something I could possibly fucking do, every single part of my being was roaring out for me to keep her, no matter what.

  I was at war with myself, even as every single part of me was saying that there was no fucking way I’d give her up.

  7

  Matthew

  “You’ll be gone for two weeks?”

  I glanced over at Ivy, hearing the concern in her voice. It was just her and her dad, had been since her mom passed away.

  He’d never been away from her this long, and I could see that she was nervous about it.

  “As of right now, although I could be home sooner, or it might be a little later.” He gave her a sad smile. “But I need this, sweetheart. Without a stable job the bills are going to start stacking up.”

  “I can get a part time job and help,” she said instantly.

  “No,” Stephan said.

  “Absolutely not,” I said right after he spoke. They both looked at me but I kept my composure. “Focus on school. I’m here and will help your dad out. Everything will be fine.” She stared at me for a long moment. I swallowed, my throat so fucking tight at the very thought that we’d be here alone.

  That was dangerous. Really fucking dangerous.

  I needed to keep my damn distance. I needed to be a good brother, a good man. And being with Ivy, going after her and making her mine, would have me crossing so many fucking lines there would be no going back.

  It’s already too late.

  Those words slammed into my head repeatedly, refusing to back the hell down. I pushed away from the doorframe and walked farther into the kitchen. Stephan was sitting at the table, this sympathetic look on his face as he stared at Ivy.

  “Honey, this is the first real job I’ve had since everything happened. It might only be temporary, but right now it’s all I have.” He smiled at her and it broke my fucking heart seeing my big brother like this.

  He’d always been so strong, so in control of everything. Even after his wife had passed away, I’d never seen a man have his shit as much together as he did. But right now, he looked lost, and I knew that was because of his job, but also because of the conflict he felt was going on between his personal life and his home life.

  I knew he wanted Ivy to meet the woman he was seeing. I knew he wanted everything to be good between them. Maybe he thought she saw him differently because of it all. But that’s not what I saw.

  I saw it in her face, saw the way she looked at him. She loved him no matter what, unconditionally. And that was one of the reasons I’d fallen in love with her.

  That was one of the reasons I fell so hard for her.

  “It just seems like such a long time, and you’ll be so far away.”

  “It’s just a couple states away. It’ll be done and over with before you know it.” He looked up at me then and smiled. “I’m just glad Matthew is here to handle things and take care of you. I don’t think I could have left you alone.” A moment of silence passed. “I know you’re an adult and all, but I would’ve been too worried.” He stood up and pulled Ivy off the chair to give her a hug. “I have to pack, though. I’ve got to head out soon so I can drive through the night and get there in the morning.”

  Ivy nodded and pulled back. Damn, she was so strong. After everything that was going on, what she’d been through with losing her mom, she kept her shit together. She was smart, an honor student, had the pick of where she wanted to go for college, and I was so damn proud of her even if I didn’t say it.

  Stephan gave us both one more look, then started to walk past me. He stopped and clapped me on the back.

  “Thank you again. For everything.”

  God, I felt like such a fucking bastard. The memory of the kiss I’d shared with Ivy was so fresh in my mind, so fucking fresh that I felt my lips tingle, felt the arousal rush through my veins. My desire started climbing and I couldn’t help but look at her.

  Stephan left the kitchen and I stood there staring at her. She glanced up at me as if she could feel my gaze. I had no doubt she could. It was like she was on autopilot, like she knew she had to be a rock for everyone around her even if it slowly chipped away at her.

  “This is weird, right?” she finally said and sat back down at the table.

  I clenched my jaw tightly. God, she was beautiful as she stared up at me with her big blue eyes. “How do you mean?”

  She didn’t speak for a long moment, but finally shrugged. “I guess how things play out, how life works.” She was staring at me, and I wanted nothing more than to pick her up and carry her to my room, lay her on my bed and just hold her. “I would have never thought my mom would die so young. I would have never thought my dad would lose his job because he fell in love with a woman so much younger than him.” She shrugged again. “Life is just funny, I guess.”

  “It’s unpredictable.” My voice was colder. I didn’t want to sound so hard.

  She nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good word for it.”

  The silence descended again, and I knew that I had to be strong, had to be someone she looked up to, not someone she desired. I was in love with her, and that would never change, but I had to stay away.

  And I knew that as much as I wanted her, as much as I told myself that I couldn’t let her go, I had to keep away.

  She was a temptation that I didn’t know if I could resist.

  She was a drug that fed my addiction.

  She was the one woman I loved and knew I’d never fully have.

  And the very thought of staying away was like someone had reached in and torn out my fucking heart.

  But it was for the best. Right?

  It had to be because pain this fucking intense had to be for something.

  8

  Ivy

  I watched Matthew walk out of the kitchen twenty minutes ago, and yet here I sat, staring at the wall, thinking about everything that had happened this far.

  To be honest, it was pretty minuscule in the grand scheme of things.

  So what, I was in love with a man I couldn’t really have.

  So what, my father was seeing a woman close to my age.

  Things were always the worst before they got better, right? I wanted to be the adult I legally was, the one who could stand on her own two feet, who was starting college in the fall. I wanted to show everyone I could handle things on my own, that I didn’t need babysitters, that I could help support this family.

  But stress ate away at a person, and there was enough of that going around right now.

  I found myself standing and leaving the kitchen, walking up the stairs and heading toward my father’s room at the end of the hall. The door was slightly open and I knocked on it, pushing on it slightly so I could see inside.

  My dad had a suitcase on the bed, and a stack of clothes beside that. There was a pile of hangers in the center of the mattress, and his loafers on the floor. He stood by the closet and glanced over at me, smiling. He was just pulling out a dress shirt when he turned to face me.

  “Everything okay, Ivy?”

  I swallowed, my throat so thick. I didn’t even know if this was the best time, but I figured there was no point in waiting. Maybe if I was honest—about this at least—it would take away some of that stress.

  “I just wanted to tell you that I’m happy you’re happy.” There was a long moment of silence between us, and I felt the air change, felt something in my father shift.

  He’d been taken aback by what I said.

  “I just wanted to let you know that I don’t think it’s weird that you’re seeing someone close to my age. I’m not upset, and I’m not fragile. And I think you feel that way because you haven’t really talked about her, or any of this with me, to be honest.” I took a deep breath in. “But if y
ou’re happy, I’m happy. And I just wanted you to know that before you left.”

  He walked toward me, and in the process tossed the shirt he’d taken out of the closet onto the bed. He took my hands in his and gave them a light squeeze.

  “I’ll be honest, Ivy. It wasn’t me losing my job that had me so worried. Even me leaving for this job didn’t weigh on me so heavily.” He licked his lips and looked down at our conjoined hands. “It’s the fact that I felt like I’ve disappointed you.” He looked up at me then and I stared into his blue eyes, ones that were exactly like mine. “It’s been so long since I cared about anyone. After your mother passed away I focused on raising you. That’s what mattered. But this just kind of ... happened. And I am happy. But your happiness matters to me as well, even more than my own.”

  God, if only I could be honest about how I felt for Matthew. “Your happiness is just as important as anybody else’s. And I know Mom wouldn’t want you to be alone. I know I don’t want you to be.” I smiled at him and gave his hands a squeeze.

  “I know Cora is young, just a year older than you, but I think you’d really like her. I hope you do.”

  This was the first time he’d ever said her name. It was a little bit strange hearing my father talk about a woman he cared for. But it was only that way because I’d never seen him love anyone but my mother.

  “I love you, Dad. I don’t care that you’re dating Cora. I know that has been weighing heavily on you.”

  He let go of my hands and smiled. “It’s a little weird though, isn’t it?”

  I chuckled softly and nodded. “It’s a lot weird, if I’m being honest. But like I said, I’m not a child and don’t need to be sheltered. If you’re happy, then I’m happy.” I ran my hands down my thighs, my jeans feeling extra rough against the sensitive flesh. “I’d like to meet her. I’d like to meet the woman you care about.”

  He gave me another smile and this one was more genuine, more from the heart.

  “Okay,” he said softly. “I’d like you to meet her.” He pulled me in for another hug.

  I rested my head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart. I remembered doing this as a child, that sound lulling me to sleep, telling me that everything would be all right because my father was here. He was my protector, looked out for me, and made sure I never went to bed upset. He held me as I cried after my mother passed away, told me everything would be okay because he’d make it so.

  And as I pulled back and looked into his face, I knew even at nineteen years old I was still my father’s little girl. I knew no matter what, he’d love me, even if I told him I was in love with Matthew … his brother.

  I left my father so he could finish packing and headed to my room. I closed the door and leaned against it, resting my head back on the wood and closing my eyes.

  It had only been a few days since Matthew and I had shared that kiss, yet in just those few days he’d been avoiding me, had been distant, almost even cold to me. I wanted to believe he thought he was doing the right thing. I wanted to believe that what he’d told me after he’d pressed his body to mine had been what he’d really meant.

  Surely those words weren’t a heat of the moment kind of thing?

  But this was all new territory for me. And each day I felt him building that wall thicker between us, my heart broke a little more.

  I could either accept it and try and move on, or stand my ground and refuse to give up on the only man I’d ever loved.

  Because the very thought of almost having Matthew, but then realizing it might never come to fruition, felt as though a piece of me had been pulled away, as if I’d been ripped in half. And the more he pulled back, the more I wanted him, the more I wanted to admit that what we had was good and right and everything in-between.

  But the memory of him stopping, of him saying we couldn’t do this, that it was wrong, replayed in my head like a broken record.

  Part of me knew he was right, that being together would start this butterfly effect, this ripple in the water that could very well turn into a tidal wave. I didn’t want to hurt my father. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to be with Matthew and love him and not have to worry about what everyone else might say.

  Because if it felt right, if I knew being with Matthew was how it was supposed to be, it couldn’t be wrong, right?

  9

  Matthew

  I heard her come in, the sound of her setting her book bag on the ground seeming overly loud.

  I stood by the kitchen sink, my hands wrapped around the edge, staring out the window at the half-constructed gazebo Stephan had started but hadn’t yet finished. My body was tense, the need to go to her strong. But I held my ground, stayed away.

  It had been days since Stephan had left for his temp job, and I had made myself scarce, working extra hours, but ensuring sure I was home every night so Ivy wasn’t alone. She might be an adult, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t make sure she was safe, make sure she wasn’t alone.

  There was a moment where I heard her walking toward the kitchen, but then she stopped. I wondered if she was coming in. It wasn’t like I’d been very friendly the past few days, not since the kiss, not since I told myself I needed to try and keep my distance.

  I looked over my shoulder, expecting her to be standing in the doorway, but it was empty. And then I heard the stairs creaking as she went up. My stomach clenched, the need to go to her so fucking strong.

  Fuck.

  I closed my eyes and faced forward again, knowing I needed to figure out what the fuck I was going to do because this wasn’t working. Living under the same roof as Ivy was torture. Not being able to touch her was painful. And lying about how I felt was driving me crazy.

  I didn’t know how long I stood there, staring at that gazebo, thinking about what the hell I was going to do. But it was the sound of the pipes rattling, and then Ivy screaming that had me propelling myself for the stairs. I took them two at a time, heard her down the hall, and raced into the bathroom and saw what had caused the issue.

  Water sprayed from the faucet, drenching Ivy. Her mouth was open and her arms were out, as if she couldn’t believe what was happening, that she was soaking wet.

  The front of her was drenched, the white material of her shirt sticking to her body. I lost my breath as I stared at her, as I saw the way the fabric formed to her breasts, sticking to them like a second skin. Her nipples were hard, the water no doubt ice cold. I could easily see the dark circles of her areolas.

  Motherfucker.

  I felt my entire body tighten painfully, my cock hardening. I reached out and curled my hand around the door frame, hearing it creak from the force. And all I could do was stand there and stare at her as water sprayed everywhere, our focus on each other.

  “Matthew?” she asked in this small voice, as if she were torn between the situation with the faucet and with me standing there transfixed by the sight of her.

  But then I snapped to attention and forced myself to leave her, to go to the basement and shut off the water. I took a moment to just stand there, bracing my hands on my thighs as I bent over and just breathed out, my eyes closed and trying to rein in my control.

  I only stood there for a few moments, telling myself that I could control this lust. I could control myself. I headed back upstairs, grabbing the toolbox on my way, and gripped the banister of the stairs as I stepped onto the upper landing. I looked down the hallway but couldn’t see Ivy. That was probably best. As I walked toward the bathroom, I passed her bedroom, the door slightly open. I don’t know why I glanced inside, maybe hoping to see her, maybe being filled with some sick, masochistic desire to see what I couldn’t have.

  But then I froze, my body hardening as I saw her through the slightly ajar door. She had her shirt off, her smooth, perfect back in view, her skin this peachy color, the slight indentation of her spine running down the center having my mouth watering.

  I saw the image of me on my knees behind her, my hands grip
ping her hips, my forehead resting on the center of her back. I could practically smell the soap on her skin, this sweet fragrance that came from her. I could picture myself running the tip of my nose up the length of her spine before following that trail with my tongue.

  This deep groan left me before I could stop it, and she looked over her shoulder, her eyes widening as she saw me standing there.

  Fuck.

  I shut my eyes, placing that wall between us again, feeling my face harden, my expression go cold. Her eyes widened even further and I knew it wasn’t because of the surprise of me standing there, but because of the change in my demeanor. I turned before I could make things worse, or I could ruin anything. Once in the bathroom I shut the door, locking myself in there, and putting an extra barricade between Ivy and me.

  I was so fucking far gone, so lost in the reality of this all. And I knew that if I was going to be here, I had to be honest with Stephan. I could fight this with myself, force myself to stay away, but what I felt for Ivy would never go away. It would never dim. It would just keep growing until it festered within me and I fucking snapped.

  I stared at myself in the mirror, the man who looked back at me seeming tortured. But then again, I was.

  I knew I couldn’t keep this up, couldn’t stop myself. There’d be a point in time, probably sooner rather than later, where I just said fuck it and claimed her.

  There’d be a point where I couldn’t stay away from Ivy. There’d be a point where I made her mine.

  Fuck the repercussions.