Much to Carrie’s bewilderment, the repeated congratulations and predictions of success served to irritate her rather than boost her spirits. After seeing the last passengers off, she threatened to lock herself in her cabin before the next stage pulled in, but no one seemed to be interested in her disordered spirits.
She hadn’t seen Lucas all afternoon, and whenever she spoke to Katie, she got the feeling her thoughts were elsewhere. She did notice that Katie found more than one occasion to go to the barn, and even though Jake had enough work to keep him busy all afternoon, Carrie saw him in the station yard twice.
Found should have been the least affected by the contract, but he seemed to be the most affected by Carrie’s ill temper. He was constantly underfoot, repeatedly wanting to know if there was anything he could do to help, until Carrie lost her temper. “If you would just talk, I could understand what you are trying to say,” she said, speaking quite sharply. “Surely you must trust us by now.”
The poor laddie has not gotten over what happened to him before he came here,” Katie said, taking Found in her arms and giving him a protective hug. “Jake says he still has nightmares about some men and what they did to his family”
“I didn’t mean to be so abrupt,” Carrie said, feeling quite angry with herself for not being able to control her feelings. It’s just that I’m rather upset right now. I think I could use some time alone.”
But Carrie found that fifteen minutes of her own company was too much, and it was a relief to head back to the kitchen and help Katie with dinner. Lucas came up to eat with them, but he didn’t ask her about her decision and he didn’t say anything about her coming to his cabin later. He acted as if they were old friends and nothing out of the ordinary was happening. When he walked out the door with a cheerful good night, Carrie felt desolated. It was almost as though he didn’t care about her answer. She told herself he did care, that he was just giving her time without putting any pressure on her, but the nagging fear that she might have finally put him off one time too many wouldn’t go away.
“I’ve decided not to marry me Brian,” Katie announced quite suddenly after Jake and Found had returned to the barn. They were putting things away for the night and getting ready for the next morning. “I’d like to stay here if it’s all the same to you.”
“You know I’d be delighted to have you. In fact, I’ve been wondering how to talk you into working here after you got married, but are you quite sure you don’t want to marry Brian?”
“Yes, ma’am, I am. I never thought much about the man I was to marry before I came here and watched you having such a hard time figuring out what to do about Mr. Barrow.”
“What do you mean?” Carrie asked, suddenly defensive.
“You know what I mean,” Katie said. “Everybody on this place knows he wants to marry you, that he has been wanting to for some weeks, and that you be trying to make up your mind what to do. Well, you see, I never thought I would have such a choice, that I would be allowed to make up me own mind about me husband, so I just accepted the first man that asked for me. But I been listening to you talk, and now I know I don’t have to do that if I don’t want to.”
“What did I say?” Carrie felt rather guilty that it had been her words that had convinced Katie to refuse Brian. It was bad enough she was making her own self miserable. She had no right to ruin Katie’s life as well.
“It wasn’t always things I overheard you saying to Mr. Barrow. It was things you did too. Seeing you run this station and all the time standing up to these men, I realized that I could decide what I wanted to do, that I didn’t have to marry Brian. Well, I have decided, and I don’t want to marry him. I mean to tell him as soon as he comes back.”
“But what are you going to do?”
“I’ve a fancy to go on working here for a while yet. Could be someone will turn up that appeals to me. Maybe I’ve got me eye on somebody already.” Katie blushed quite vividly and abandoned all attempts to be mysterious in a rush to confide in Carrie. “He’s nothing like what I ever thought to marry, ma’am, and I don’t know but what I’m crazy to think on it. I doubt well agree on two things in our whole lives, but I’ve been happier since I’ve met him than I ever was before. And besides, he needs me.”
“It’s Jake, isn’t it?”
“It would have to be now, wouldn’t it? The only other man I see every day is Mr. Barrow, and you’d claw me eyes out if I was to so much as think about him.” Now it was Carrie’s turn to blush vividly.
“It could have been one of the drivers,” Carrie offered, trying to recover her composure. “I’m not personally fond of Jerry, but Harry and Bap are very nice. Of course it could have been one of the regulars on the stage.”
“I’d rather have that Sam Butler of yours than Jerry Blake. Bap is old enough to be me father, and Harry is making up to a girl in Fort Malone.”
“Oh,” Carrie replied, nonplussed. She didn’t know how Katie knew so much more about the men’s lives than she did.
“No, it’s Jake, and though I know we’ll probably never settle on anything without a having a set-to beforehand, I can’t think of anybody else I want to marry more.”
“But doesn’t it bother you knowing that you disagree on much?”
“Sure it does, just like it bothers you about Mr. Barrow, but a man and wife are bound to have disagreements. Working them out is just a natural part of being married. Besides, it can be a lot of fun if you go about it right.”
“But you don’t mind becoming the wife of a confirmed woman hater?”
“Jake’s no woman hater, but I don’t mind cooking and doing for me man. I guess I’m kinda looking forward to it. After taking care of me father and brothers for so long, I had come to believe I hated it, but I know now that isn’t so. You see, I never wanted to prove I could do anything a man could, and I never wanted to be independent. I guess I’m really not very much like you after all. I just want a husband and a home and family, and I want it with the man who will make me happy.”
“I’m sure you’ll be very happy,” Carrie said, mumbling a formula in an attempt to disguise her own feelings of jealousy. It staggered her that she could feel so strongly envious of the very thing she thought she scorned when she left Virginia. What had happened to her in the weeks since she had come out here? Had she changed her mind? Didn’t she still have the same goals? She had told Lucas she did, but was she sure?
“Can you finish up without me?” Carrie asked Katie.
“Sure. There’s almost nothing left to do.”
Carrie wandered outside on the porch, sat down in one of the rocking chairs, then almost immediately got up and walked out into the yard. Without knowing why, she found herself under Lucas’s tree in his chair. If it helped him to think, it might help her also.
Carrie had talked with Katie often enough to know that they had suffered almost identically at the hands of their families, and that both of them had left home rather than continue to endure such treatment. But if this was so, how could Katie want to marry Jake? He firmly believed that women were inferior to men, and there was hardly anything he and Katie could discuss without having recourse to some very harsh language.
Because she loves him and doesn’t want to live without him, something shouted in Carrie’s brain. That’s all that matters and she knows it. But it’s not all that matters, Carrie argued back. A husband and wife have to think the same way, want the same things. You and Robert felt alike and wanted the same things, the voice replied. Would you rather be married to him than Lucas? The answer came back a thundering negative.
But she would have to give up the station and everything she had worked so hard to achieve.
What will you have in ten years if you keep this station? the voice asked. What will you have in those same years if you marry Lucas? Is the station worth what you will have to give up? Carrie realized there was no comparison; there was not even the shadow of a doubt in her mind.
She visualized herself sitting
under this same tree, ten or twenty years from now, still single and still manager of this station, and watching Lucas get off the stage followed by his wife and children. Even though it was only her imagination, Carrie felt a stab of jealousy that was so sharp and deep it really hurt. No, it was closer to hatred than jealousy, and it had nothing to do with the clothes the woman wore or the fabulous jewels at the throat. She hated the woman because Lucas went home to her, because he held her in his arms at night, because he confided his hopes, dreams, and fears to her. But she also envied the woman her family, the bright hopeful pledges of Lucas’s affection, her own gift to the future.
In that moment she realized that the stage station was meaningless in itself. Its only importance rested in what it represented, and if that was true, she didn’t need the station at all. She would never need it again.
She had already proved she was capable of accomplishing something by herself, and she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life proving it over and over again. There was so much more to life, and she realized that everything she wanted to do somehow included Lucas. True, she’d been angry at him when she’d learned he owned the company and she’d thought she had gotten the contract because of him, but she realized now that wasn’t true. Now she had no more need of the station, or anything else outside Lucas’s arms.
Carrie looked off in the direction of his cabin and wondered what he was thinking. He hadn’t pressed her at dinner, he probably didn’t expect her to make up her mind for several days to come, but she had made her decision and she wanted to tell him now. Properly speaking, she should wait for him to come to her, but if she was going to spend her time doing things differently, then she might as well start acting differently right now. She had sent him away, after all, so maybe it was appropriate that she go to him.
Chapter 23
Lucas’s thoughts were less comforting. Carrie had never made a secret of her determination to prove herself capable of being independent of a man, but her courage and determination were part of what had made him fall in love with her. He expected they would argue over something for the rest of their lives, but he had been certain their love would help them solve any problems that came between them. It had never occurred to him that she might ask him to give up his company. That struck at the very foundation of his life, posing fundamental questions about what he wanted for Carrie, himself, and his future family, and it had caught him unprepared. But of one thing he was absolutely certain. He could not live without Carrie.
It was impossible to say how she had become so important to him in such a short time. Maybe she always had been. He didn’t know if he believed in predestination, but the moment she stepped off that stage into the Colorado sunshine he felt as if she had stepped into the center of his life, and he would have killed Baca Riggins if he had hurt her. It was all too easy to remember her loveliness, the perfection of her body, or the way she made love—in fact, it was impossible to forget any of these things—but his love had sprung to life before they made love and could never have grown to such magnitude because of her physical beauty alone. They were knitted together just as inextricably as though he were one half and she the other half of a single body, he the right arm and she the left. He could never feel complete again without her.
His life had been a shambles since she had entered it, soaring to the heights of happiness because of her love only to plunge into depths of despair by her refusal to marry him and then be flung into the whirlpool of fear by the harebrained things she did without a thought for her safety. There was something irresistible about her, a spirit and energy that made her exciting to be around, and Lucas wondered if trying to protect her from the dangers she so blatantly ignored wouldn’t make him old before his time.
Yet here he stood, trying to take his need of Carrie, his need of his job, and his need for a family, and meld them into a single channel of life, but one broad enough for both him and Carrie to swing abreast. When seen from a distance, it hadn’t looked very difficult. Faced with the difficult choices of the present, it looked impossible.
Lucas’s thoughts were interrupted by a timid knock, and then the door opened and Carrie stood in the threshold of his cabin.
Lucas was certain that he had memorized every feature of her face, every curve of her body, every nuance of expression that came into her eyes, but though she looked more beautiful than ever tonight, there was something slightly different about her. But at that moment their differences didn’t matter; Lucas held out his arms and Carrie walked eagerly into his embrace.
It was impossible to find words to describe how good it felt to hold her in his arms. Out in the station yard he had felt the eyes of others on them, the tension of the inspection, the presence of the station itself all coming between them, muting their welcome, restraining their reunion. The tension still intruded, but for the moment they felt as one, and he was content to feel her close to him, to feel the warmth of her body, the excitement of her nearness.
“I missed you terribly,” he said, and kissed her hungrily. The smell of lavender was a familiar memory that welcomed him into its embrace. No matter what happened, no matter what it cost him, he could not lose her. Not ever.
“I missed you too,” Carrie said, snuggling against his chest. “I was never so miserable in my life. I don’t ever want you to leave me again.”
Lucas felt his hopes soar, felt expectant energy rush through his body. “Does that mean you’ll marry me?”
That’s what I came to tell you,” she said, pushing him away so she could look up at him with her tantalizing smile. “Yes, I will marry you.”
Lucas felt something inside him explode like a rocket, but he pulled hard against the rush of exhilaration. “What are your conditions?”
“I have none.” Lucas couldn’t believe his ears. Again he had to restrain himself from whooping for joy. Maybe she didn’t think of restrictions the same way he did. “But what about your independence, the station?”
“What about it?” she asked, looking up at him with a provocative, hooded look he knew was calculated to drive him out of his mind with desire.
“Woman, you’ve driven me crazy ever since I set eyes on you. You knew I loved you, that I wanted to marry you, that I could hardly think straight when you were in my arms, but you always had your heart set on something else and couldn’t make up your mind to marry me. Now, just hours after you repeated nearly every reason you had for refusing to marry me, you waltz in here and tell me you want to get married and that you have no conditions.”
That’s what I said.”
“What did I miss? Where’s the catch?” He didn’t mean it like that, but he just knew there was something wrong.
“Lucas!” Carrie exclaimed, sincerely shocked and hurt. “Why do you think I want to trick you?”
“I don’t,” he replied, still unable to believe she really meant it, “but you held me off so persistently, and I can’t see what’s happened to make you change your mind.”
“I love you.”
“You loved me this afternoon, but it wasn’t enough then.” He was beginning to believe it now. He was trying hard to restrain himself, but he could feel it coming.
“Maybe it’s your good looks and money.”
“I don’t know anyone who’s less affected by my good looks and money,” Lucas replied, impatiently waiting a real, convincing reason.
“Your money, yes. Your body, well, that’s something else again.” She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him with all the hungry passion he could want.
“Watch it,” he said, taking a deep breath. “You do that again, and we won’t get around to finishing this conversation until tomorrow.”
“Is that such a bad idea?”
“No,” Lucas replied, struggling manfully to hold his rampaging desire under control, “but I don’t think I can stand to get my hopes built up only to have them dashed down again. And I can’t go on making love to you if you’re not going to marry me.”
&
nbsp; “But I’ve already told you I want to marry you.”
“I know, but what caused you to change your mind? I haven’t even said I’d give up anything.” He had a presentiment of disaster.
“I don’t want you to give up anything for me.”
“I know what this is,” Lucas said, holding his head like he had a splitting headache. “You’ve got a twin sister, and you’ve sent her in your place to make sure I’m battered into submission before you give me your terms.”
“Lucas Barrow, I have a good mind not to marry you after all.”
“See, I knew it was coming.”
“Now you just listen to me, you bull-headed man. I had lots of reservations this afternoon, but I asked myself one very important question, and I got a surprising answer that turned all my other questions and answers out into the dust.”
“What was that?” Lucas hardly dared to breathe.
“I asked myself what I would have if I didn’t marry you, and I saw myself sitting here still worrying about horses, food, maybe outlaws and Indians, and working at the same thing year after year. Then before I could realize what a dismal picture that was, I pictured you getting off the stage with your wife and family. Lucas, I hated that woman. I didn’t even know her, but I would have killed to take her place. I realized I wanted to be your wife, and the station and independence and everything else didn’t mean anything when compared to that. And the children, oh Lucas, if you’re going to be rich, can we have lots of them? I didn’t realize how much I wanted to have your children.”
Lucas gave a whoop that nearly scared Carrie out of five years of her life, picked her up like she was a ball, and swung her around until she was too dizzy to stand up. He felt as if he were living in a dream. After being afraid for so long that Carrie would refuse him in the end, it was hard to believe that everything he had ever wanted was being handed to him without any strings or reservations. Carrie held on to him, trying to get the whirling room to stand still, while he danced a jig that would have done justice to a drunken Irishman.
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