“From where I’m sitting, we look exactly the same.”
There was another knock at the door. Lochlan yelled, “Give me a fucking minute!”
“Loc—”
“Please, don’t do this.”
“I don’t want it to seem that I’m making you choose, but you’re ruled by Jamie and that life. Until you’re ready to say that you’re with someone, they’ll always control every part of who you are. This isn’t about me and your career—it’s about you. You need to decide who you want to be, Loc. A megastar who’s happy, or a megastar who allows anyone who cares for her to be run out of her life. I could tell how you felt when we went out that night in Nashville. And we both know this isn’t the first time. You went to see Mac about your concerns, and I went to talk to my friends about mine. They listened and took in the fact that I had lied to them for months but were gentle in trying to help me figure this out. I will never believe it was them who told.”
Lochlan wasn’t looking at the screen, only at her lap. She sniffed and wiped more tears that were falling. “Loc, look at me.” Lochlan wiped another tear and turned toward the screen. “I can’t do this.” Lochlan lost it at that point. “You’ll never have a happy life if the people around you keep shielding you from being who you are. You can’t love someone else if you don’t even know how to love you. You have to be willing to embrace that part of you in the light of day, and not just by taking a girl out when it’s dark and no one can see you.”
Lochlan moved away from the computer so that she was out of view of the camera. She tried not to let the sob escape from her throat, but she failed. Once she felt she could talk to Vanessa without breaking down, she returned and sat down with a thud. “So, you are breaking up with me? Over me asking about your friends?”
“If that makes this easier for you—to be mad at me, and not own what you need to—then yes. It just further proves my point. You aren’t ready.”
Lochlan then surprised even herself, slamming the laptop closed, ending the video chat. Even in her hurt, Lochlan could see Vanessa’s side, and what made her even angrier was she was afraid Vanessa was right.
Chapter Twelve
Vanessa sat at her computer and rubbed her face. “Fucking biochemistry. Fucking cellular and molecular biology. Fuck all y’all!” Vanessa pushed away from the computer.
“Although screaming ‘fuck’ is one of my most favorite things,” Mia said as she walked in the apartment, “it’s a little scary hearing it come from you.”
“I just can’t get any of this. It’s like it’s taunting me.”
“Well, good thing for you, I come bearing gifts.” Mia handed her a box from a local bakery Vanessa knew well.
“You got me cupcakes!” She squealed in delight.
“I did.” She handed Vanessa a fork. “So how was your weekend?”
“Are you kidding me? Did you not just hear what I said? My classes this semester hate me.” Vanessa dipped out another bite of the cupcake goodness.
Mia stared at her cupcake. “You talk to anyone this weekend?”
“Nope,” Vanessa said, never looking up. “Same as last week, and the week before that, the two months before that. I haven’t talked to Loc in over two months, Mia. And I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon.” She forked at the dessert. “She made her choice. If I was wrong, I would have heard from her. The fact that I haven’t just proves that she’s content with the way things went down. I know that I shouldn’t have, but I watched some YouTube clips from her last few concerts, and believe me, she is fine. She isn’t upset, so why should I be?”
“We don’t know how Lochlan is, Vanessa.”
“She’s off living her life, so I have to live mine, and that doesn’t include waiting on a phone call from her.”
Mia sighed. “So, football season starts this weekend, I thought we might get some tickets. You in?”
“Yeah. I could use a minute for my brain to decompress while watching a bunch of guys knock the shit out of each other.”
“That’s my girl.” Mia stood to throw away her container. “Jenny and Deb are going too. Game starts at three. We thought we would meet up for some lunch beforehand.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Okay, I’ll let them know.”
“God, I have to get back to this shit,” Vanessa said as she moved back toward the computer.
“Sounds exciting.” Mia plopped on her bed and stuck the earbuds in her ears.
Vanessa closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying yet again to run thoughts of Lochlan Paige from her mind.
✥ ✥ ✥
Lochlan perfectly hit the final note of the song. Just like she did every single time that she performed. “Okay, Lochlan, that sounds good.”
She waved to AJ as he was running the sound board. Jamie was at her side before she knew it. “Okay, we have a couple of local stations that want to do interviews with you. Now that sound check is done, we can look over some of the schedules to see if you want to do any of those.”
“I just don’t feel like doing interviews today, Jamie.”
“Did you sleep last night?”
“A little.”
Jamie followed Lochlan as she left the stage. “How much is a little?”
“Not enough.”
“Lochlan, we need to find something to help you sleep.”
“By sleep I assume that you mean forget about Vanessa long enough to shut my eyes?”
“You can’t keep doing this.” Jamie looked over Lochlan’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I had to.”
Lochlan turned to see her mother walking toward them. “Mom, what are you doing here?”
“Can’t a mother come and visit her daughter?”
“She can,” Lochlan replied. “But when you’re coming cross-country, I would think I would know.” Lochlan hugged her mom. Maybe a little longer than normal.
“Are you okay?”
“Just a lot going on.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
It was then that Lochlan stumbled and Jamie and her mom took hold of each arm. “I’m fine.”
Jamie guided her to a nearby chair. “You aren’t fine. You are exhausted.” Jamie sounded concerned.
Lochlan’s mother spoke. “You’re pale and you almost just collapsed.”
“Mom, I’m fine.”
“This isn’t up for discussion. These people work for you, I don’t. Jamie tells me that you aren’t sleeping and only pick at your food.”
“Jamie exaggerates things.” Lochlan stood and stumbled again.
Her mom looked seriously at Jamie. “Do it.”
“Do what?” Lochlan glared between them.
“We’re canceling the show tomorrow night and you are—”
“The hell we are!”
“This isn’t up for discussion,” her mother countered. “You are going home to Nashville to see your doctor.”
“I am not.”
“Young lady, you will do as I tell you to.” Lochlan held her gaze but didn’t speak. “I will go to Nashville with you to make sure this is done. Once we have an all clear, you can pick back up next weekend.”
“Mom—”
“To these people, and those fans, you are immortal. To me, you are my daughter who is sick. I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“I can’t believe this,” Lochlan said while storming away.
As they sat on a jet flying back to Nashville, Lochlan asked, “Did Jamie say anything else to you?”
“No, she didn’t.”
“Shocker.”
“I was hoping to hear that from you.”
Lochlan sighed and couldn’t help the tear that ran down her face. “I can’t be everything to everybody.”
“No one is asking that,” her mom replied.
“I can’t be this country music star and—”
“And what?”
“I’m never going to be able to love someone.”
A look of understandi
ng crossed her mother’s face. “Wanna tell me about her?”
Lochlan hadn’t seen the moment the dam would break coming, but it was now. Her crying was uncontrollable as she felt her mother’s arms wrap around her and the words of comfort whispered to her. She felt a slight rocking motion as she relaxed into a familiar embrace. It was an embrace from a parent that said the monsters outside the door were kept at bay. The words come out in a sob, “I love her, Mom.”
✥ ✥ ✥
Vanessa stared at the email and read the words three times, but the magnitude of everything they meant hit her all at once.
Congratulations on your acceptance to the Vanderbilt University School of Medicine.
Her first response was excitement and then reality set in. She and Lochlan would be in the same city for the next several years. She already felt as though she couldn’t breathe. Lochlan had obviously moved on, and it was time that she did as well. Lochlan would be on tour most of the year, and there would only be a small chance they would bump into each other. But the thought still had her anxiety high. How was she going to live in the same city?
Then the reaction was anger. The first person she wanted to text was Lochlan. She wanted to hear her reaction when she found out that Vanessa had achieved everything she worked for. The hard work and countless hours of studying had paid off. The weekends in libraries and making sure that her dream of being a pediatric oncologist never wavered had earned her an acceptance to the university of her choice. Then the sadness returned.
Vanessa realized in that moment that she and Lochlan weren’t that different. They had both had dreams as a child and they had both worked relentlessly to achieve those things. Vanessa had turned down sleepovers with friends during school to make sure that her homework was complete, and she had studied a chapter ahead to prepare for the next week in class. Her entire life had been formed around her desire to be a doctor just as Lochlan’s had to be the star that she was. Two sides of the same coin.
Vanessa then wondered the hardest question of them all. “Could I give it all away?”
Chapter Thirteen
Jamie sighed as she sat on the couch beside Lochlan. “Four more weekends.”
“Yep.” Lochlan read through a magazine. They were on the bus and heading to the last dates of her tour where they would end in cities throughout the state of Texas.
“You sleep any last night?”
“A little.” Everyone knew that Lochlan hadn’t been sleeping for months now. The makeup artists had been doing everything they could to cover the circles that were ever-present around her eyes.
“The pills still aren’t working?”
“They help occasionally. It’s weird. Sometimes they knock me out and sometimes it’s as if I’ve taken a Tic Tac.”
“Maybe it will take a while for them to help. Just keep taking them like the doctor asked.”
“And no drinking. I know.” Lochlan flipped the page.
“And since you don’t drink, that won’t be an issue.”
“Yep.”
“How much sleep is a little?”
Lochlan didn’t look up from the pages. “Stop mothering me, Jamie. I have one of those and she’s in Knoxville.”
“Yes, tall blond woman. I’ve met her, and I promised I would make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” Lochlan said flatly.
“Is there anything special that you need before we get to Houston?”
“Nope. Just the usual.” This was becoming the norm between them.
“We need to talk about something.”
Lochlan put the magazine down. “What now?”
“Your neighbor Marcus had a niece that was visiting him a couple of months ago. Apparently, her boyfriend is a freelance journalist.”
Suddenly, she had Lochlan’s complete attention.
“He mentioned to her that a woman was staying at your house that week—”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“He shopped the story around to several online sites.”
“So, it wasn’t Mia or Ty?”
Reluctantly Jamie answered. “No. It wasn’t Vanessa’s friends.”
Lochlan slammed the magazine down. She remembered the moment that Jamie had come in her room that day just after her FaceTime with Vanessa. How she cried uncontrollably and told Jamie to “Just fix it. You don’t have to worry about Vanessa anymore.” “You and this fucking job cost me the one person who none of you can replace.”
“Loc—”
Lochlan stood. “Don’t bother me until we get there.” She slammed the door to her room.
✥ ✥ ✥
It was Saturday night and Vanessa and her friends had enjoyed the football game—and a team win. They decided they would head to a lesbian bar just off campus for some dancing and drinks. They had been there for about an hour and were laughing and having a good time. It was the most fun Vanessa had had in months. Jenny had brought her new dormmate with her, who seemed to be all about Vanessa. Anything Vanessa wanted, Stacey got. She had asked Vanessa to dance to several of the songs. They danced the night away and had taken more shots than Vanessa could even remember. That had led them to this moment—in a bar bathroom with Stacey’s hand in Vanessa’s hair, as she was backed against the wall.
Vanessa felt so many things in that moment. She felt the alcohol, long fingers firmly in her hair, the body that was pushed against hers, and the tongue that skimmed her upper lip. What she didn’t feel was, well, anything else. No sparks. No passion. No jolt in the pit of her stomach. Vanessa felt nothing. She pushed Stacey slightly back from her.
“What’s wrong?” Stacey asked.
Vanessa looked at the very attractive woman in front of her and realized exactly what the problem was. Being in love with someone who didn’t love her back had apparently ruined sex for her.
✥ ✥ ✥
Lochlan looked up at the ceiling as she lay on top of the bed with one arm under her head. Tonight was the last show of the season. Tomorrow she would fly back to Nashville and begin a long five-month break. She couldn’t help but think about where she was this time last year. It was now October, and her tour dates had run a couple of weeks longer than planned. The show that had been canceled due to the snowstorm earlier in St. Louis had been rescheduled to now. Then there had been the moment that scared her entire crew when she had fainted during rehearsals in Denver and was secretly flown back to Nashville. That was the second show that she had to perform before her season was complete. She thought about how this time last year she had walked into a library after the show and walked out a different person.
Lochlan thought of the person she had been with Vanessa. For the first time in years, she had felt free and worthy of someone. Someone who would see her as only Lochlan Westbrook, and not Lochlan Paige. With Vanessa, she could truly be who she was in every sense of the word. She made Lochlan stronger, and with that, she knew she would be brave enough to show the world who she really was beyond the image they saw onstage. That was the kind of person she had always hoped she would be.
A knock at the door stopped her train of thought. Spencer came in. “You ready?”
“Yeah. Thank God. Get me out of this headspace.”
Spencer and Lochlan were now side by side on treadmills in the hotel gym. “What are you going to do during your time off?”
“Probably write. Go see my family. What about you?”
“Heading back to Boston to see my dads and spend some much-needed time with them.”
“Your dads?” Lochlan was shocked to hear that term.
“Oh, you didn’t know?” Lochlan shook her head. “Yep, I am a proud daughter of two gay men.”
“That’s awesome.”
“Thanks. They’re great parents. I’m one of the lucky ones. They met and fell in love in high school. Been together ever since.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.”
“Yeah, growing up was a little tough, but every family has their issues, I guess.�
�
“Were kids mean?”
“Nah, parents can be assholes, but kids don’t know to be. It was the fear of the unknown for a long time.”
“What unknowns?”
“I grew up with dads who were married before it was legal. Had something ever happened to Dad, Pop would have more than likely lost me in some horrible custody battle with my grandparents.”
“That must’ve been hard.”
“It was. As a child you shouldn’t have to worry about those things. I get so proud when celebrities come out. The more that do, the more it validates families like mine. When you are as loved as someone like MacKenzie Daveys and you come out, people see it differently somehow. They already loved her and knew her. They may live in an area where there aren’t a lot of out and proud LGBTQ people and that’s something, or someone, they can identify with.”
“Yeah, Mac is loved, that’s for sure.”
“It was people like Mac who helped me come out as well.” Lochlan stumbled on the treadmill, and Spencer reached over to grab her arm. “Easy.”
“You’re gay?”
Spencer chuckled. “I just assumed that you knew.” Then a look of panic crossed her face. “Are you okay with that?”
“That’s great. Of course I’m okay with that.” Lochlan stopped her treadmill and turned to Spencer. “I wish I were as brave as you.”
“Why would you want to be as brave as—” Spencer stopped her treadmill as well. “You want to talk about something?”
“How good is your gaydar?”
“Good enough to see someone who is heartbroken and know it.” Lochlan didn’t say a word. “If you want to talk about anything, you can trust me.”
“I’m not as brave as you or Mac. That’s all that you need to know.”
“Have you talked to her?” Spencer started her treadmill again. “Vanessa, I mean.”
“No.” Lochlan restarted hers as well.
“I completely shipped y’all.” They both laughed.
“Thanks?”
“Have you tried to talk to her?”
“Nope.”
“You are a stubborn one, Lochlan Paige.”
“Does anyone else know?”
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