“You couldn’t have kept a secret like that for the rest of your life,” Devan said as he pulled away to cross his arms. “And who says that it’ll ruin your chances? Jesus, there are tons of gay men in professional sports. All professional sports. Why the hell is this still an issue anymore?”
Eli shook his head. “It’s politics and money. It doesn’t matter that people say we’ll be treated the same, or that who we sleep with doesn’t matter. It still does. And we’re not. Maybe someday, but not now.”
Devan wanted to go over and hug Eli, but didn’t dare. “I’m so sorry.”
“Maybe once I get to the big leagues, it won’t matter. My skill will keep me there, but it will put a target on my back. Until then, I need Stephan to get me the kind of opportunities I can’t get on my own. Not to mention that I still have four years left on my contract with him, then I can look for someone who will accept me for me.” He shrugged. “If I do everything right, then he said he’ll keep my secret. You and Matthew will be safe.”
“God, what the hell is wrong with people?” Devan dropped his face to his hands, suddenly far too exhausted to deal with this shit.
“There’s something else. He figures I’ll be asked about my personal life. He wants me to deny being in a relationship. Of any kind.”
Devan looked up at him through his fingers. “What? You’re not going to do that, are you? I mean, you don’t have to out yourself, but it’s not like you guys are monks. People will assume you get around.”
“That’s the problem. People will assume, then they’ll start to ask questions. He’s worried that when they don’t turn up any women, it might get people wondering.”
“And then they might find out about me.” What a nightmare. “What are you going to do?”
Eli sighed and shook his head. “I might not be able to be honest, but I’m not going to deny you either. Fuck Stephan, if I’m asked, I’ll say that there’s someone special, but I won’t discuss it.”
He knew Eli was taking a risk saying that much. Devan’s heart pounded at the thought.
“Are we going to open that?”
Devan let his gaze fall on the envelope. “I don’t know.”
“We should. It’s here. We both want to know.” Eli got up from the chair and moved to sit beside him on the couch. “At least this is something that will make sense.”
“I don’t know what this is going to do to us. We won’t be able to un-know the answer to this.” The dam of tears he’d been holding back all day finally broke. “I’ve tried so hard to give him everything he needs. To be enough.”
“Knowing this won’t change what you’ve done for him. You are a great dad. I don’t know how you do everything that you manage to do, and still stay sane. Hell, more than sane. You’re still fun and funny. Matthew adores you.” Eli picked up the package and handed it to Devan. “I know I said that I needed to know, and I desperately do. But I won’t force you if you aren’t ready. We’ll put the envelope somewhere safe until you are. I can wait.”
He turned the package over in his hands, picking at the edges. “It would be a shame to have come this far and not open it.”
Eli said nothing else, simply watched as he made his decision. Devan looked him in the eyes. “Fuck it.” He tore the strip that opened the cardboard and pulled out the documentation.
Plain text surrounded a long chart with numbers and more information than Devan could process. His eye dropped down to the results. His heart stopped for a moment.
“What does it say?” Eli sounded nervous, and Devan wanted to reassure him that everything was okay. But he couldn’t quite speak yet. Instead, he handed the letter over to him.
“What does all this mean?” Eli looked up from the form.
“It says that Matthew’s DNA is a ninety-nine percent match to me.” He swallowed, unsure whether to laugh or cry. “He’s my son.”
Eli swallowed and nodded. “Good. I’m glad.” He folded the paper up and handed it back to Devan. “You should hold on to this. In case you ever need it.”
Devan was thrilled to finally know that Matthew was his, truly his, and he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone trying to take him away. But, surprisingly, the disappointment on Eli’s face caught him off guard. “Are you okay?”
Eli’s attention had been locked on to something on the floor. When he looked up, Devan forgot to breathe. He’d only seen that expression once before on Eli’s face—the night of Meg’s second miscarriage. “I thought he was mine.”
Devan pulled him in for a hug. “I’m sorry.”
Eli didn’t sob, but Devan could feel hot tears soaking into his shirt. “I never wanted kids.” But the words sounded hollow.
Devan cupped Eli’s face. “You’re lying.”
“I . . .” Eli swallowed. “When you first said you wanted children, I didn’t really think much of it. I never had a dad, never thought I would be able to be one. What the hell did I know about it?”
Devan remembered the first time he’d brought up the topic. They’d both been drinking at a Christmas party and had drunk sex when they’d gotten home. When Eli asked him what he wanted for Christmas, Devan had said he wanted a baby. That had brought a fit of giggles from them both, followed by another round of hot sex. “What changed?”
“I don’t know.” Eli wiped his face and straightened. “When Meg had the first miscarriage, it hurt. Way more than I assumed it would. I hadn’t considered that there might be problems with the pregnancy. Then Mom had another stroke, and it was as though I was losing everything. When Meg miscarried the second time . . .” He gave Devan’s hand a squeeze. “I shut down. Thought this was the universe telling me that I was reaching for something that I had no business trying for. I was a fucked-up kid with a mom who was more a child now than parent. I didn’t know what to do, to think.”
“You shouldn’t have run. We could have gotten through this together.”
Eli laced their fingers together. “You know Mom was never really that supportive of me being gay. Or of us getting married. Shit, or me being a fighter.”
“I know.” Devan could count the number of times on one hand that he’d met Eli’s mom. She’d been pleasant enough, if a bit withdrawn.
“Growing up, there wasn’t a lot of love in this house. I spent more time with Zack and Max at the gym than I did here. Mom loved me, but she had problems of her own. The stroke took away so much of the woman who raised me. She doesn’t know who I am anymore. Not really.”
Devan knew Eli’s life had been hard growing up, but they hadn’t really talked much about it. “Why didn’t you let me help? I would have come with you to the nursing home.”
“You wanted to start a new family, and at first I wanted that too. But the sicker she got, the more everything started to fall apart. I wanted to keep you . . . separate. You were perfect, and I didn’t want to taint what we had.”
God, they’d both been idiots three years ago. Devan shouldn’t have let Eli walk away from him. He hadn’t bothered to track him down, show up at whatever gym he’d been training at, and demand an explanation, because he’d been hurt. But this explained everything. Their fights, Eli’s withdrawal, Devan’s sense that something else had been going on. Eli should have known that he could have talked to him about what was happening. Instead, neither of them had done anything, and their relationship had crumbled. Complete idiots.
There was only one way things would ever change. One of them needed to step up and push whatever this was between them in the right direction. Devan set the paternity letter down on the floor, stood up, and tugged on Eli’s arm. “Up.”
“Where are we going?”
Devan didn’t bother to say anything else; it would soon be clear enough. He led Eli up the creaky stairs to the master bedroom. There wasn’t a lot in there: the queen-sized bed, a dresser, and one nightstand, all made from old wood. There were building supplies stacked up in a corner, another reminder of Eli’s intentions to leave Toronto when the fight was
over. Tonight, this moment, might be Devan’s last opportunity to prove to Eli once and for all that they could still make their relationship work.
“Dev.” Eli stopped moving and turned Devan to face him. “What are you doing?”
“I want to make love to you. Like we used to when everything seemed a whole lot simpler. I don’t want to worry about who knows what we do, or who we are to one another. I don’t want to worry about your health and you getting hurt more than you are at this fight. I want to feel you on me, in me. I want my husband back.”
If Eli had any objections, he didn’t voice them. Devan quietly reached for the hem of Eli’s shirt and tugged it up until he helped remove it. Yes, they’d had sex on his couch in his apartment, but that’d been more about release and less about this burning need Devan had to reconnect. For the first time in years, Devan touched Eli as though he belonged to him.
Leaning in, he placed a kiss to the center of Eli’s chest. The smooth, hairless skin was taut over his muscles. He traced a path with his mouth, across Eli’s pecs, over the spot above his heart. Looking up, he made sure Eli was watching as he kissed that spot.
Devan let his hands roam, sliding up Eli’s sides, across his rippled abdominal muscles, over his sides to his back. His fingers moved as slowly as Devan could manage, wanting to memorize every dip and valley.
“Dev.” Eli reached out and tried to cup Devan’s face, but he stopped him.
“No. I get to call the shots. Remember the rules.”
“I think we threw the rule book out a long time ago.”
Devan cocked an eyebrow. “Maybe, but I’m still in charge.”
“Yes, sir.”
Devan loved that Eli normally wore jogging pants when he’d been at the gym. They were so much more convenient to pull down, to reach inside, to cup and feel his cock in. He used to tease Eli all the time that way. No matter how long or hard a workout Eli had gone through, he was always up for whatever Devan had in mind. Tonight, despite all they’d been through today, when Devan pushed his hand into Eli’s pants and squeezed his cock, he was rock-hard.
“Please tell me you have lube somewhere.” He gave Eli another teasing squeeze for good measure.
“Bathroom. In my shaving kit.”
“Why don’t you get that and a condom and come back here?”
Eli growled but did as he was told. In the few moments that he was gone, Devan unbuttoned his shirt and the front of his jeans. He left the clothing on though, remembering how much Eli loved to strip him.
“That’s a sight for sore eyes.” Eli had stopped in the doorway, watching.
It was strange that no matter how much he wanted this, would do anything to have Eli again, Devan was surprisingly nervous. “Why don’t you come back in? I can’t do much to you over there.”
“Maybe I was thinking about how I should be the one doing something wonderful to you. You’re the one I hurt. I need to make it up to you.” Eli closed the distance between them, tossing the condom and lube on the bed before pulling Devan to him and kissing him hard. The passion that had always simmered between them exploded. Devan clutched at Eli’s shoulders, his back, tried to pull him as close as he could without climbing inside his body. Eli moved them both forward until the back of Devan’s legs hit the bed, sending them both falling.
There was no laughter, none of the silliness that had accompanied their lovemaking in the past. Instead, sighs and moans filled the room. Eli freed Devan from his clothing, kissing various parts of his body as he moved. His briefs came off with his jeans, exposing his hard, leaking cock to the cool air. Devan sighed when Eli made fast work of the remainder of his clothing before covering Devan’s body with his.
Stretched out together—chest to toes—they continued to kiss, to touch and explore. It was a homecoming of sorts for Devan, one that he’d longed for so much over the past few years, he’d started to wonder if this day would ever come.
Eli lowered his mouth to Devan’s nipple to tease the tip with his tongue. “I’d forgotten how you tasted. How warm your body gets.”
He kissed the side of Devan’s neck as he spoke, sending little electric chills through his body. “I’ve missed you.”
Widening his legs, Devan enjoyed the feel of their cocks sliding together. He wanted more than that; he wanted to feel his body stretched around Eli. “Please.”
Eli reached for the lube as he continued to kiss and nip at the side of Devan’s neck. “I want to do this face to face, but I’m scared I’ll hurt you.”
“Don’t care.” Devan couldn’t hold back a moan as Eli grabbed his cock with a lube-covered hand. “Please.” He widened his legs more.
Eli squirted more lube onto his fingers and carefully stretched Devan’s muscles. It had been so very long since anyone had touched him so intimately, Devan was terrified that he would come on the spot. Eli was slow, precise in his movements, starting with one finger, then two, until he was finally able to open Devan up with little effort.
The crinkle of the condom wrapper being torn open set Devan’s heart pounding harder. The last man he’d had sex with was Eli, but the changes between the two of them over the past three years made him wonder if they were the same people. Did it matter?
Not to him. He was here with the man he’d always loved, had never stopped loving. For tonight at least, they could both pretend that everything was all right in the world.
Eli positioned the tip of his cock to Devan’s hole and slowly pushed in. The burning sensation caused Devan’s breath to catch in his throat. He forced his body to relax, to take what Eli was giving him. It took a few minutes, but finally Eli was all the way in and able to slowly thrust in and out of him without it hurting.
Devan moaned when Eli’s big hand wrapped around his cock and began to stroke him in rhythm with his thrusts. He fought to keep his eyes open, so he could see every flicker of emotion that crossed Eli’s face as they made love.
“I want you to come.” Eli increased the tempo of his thrusts. “I want to feel your body squeeze my cock hard. I want to hear you cry out. I want to smell you on my sheets long after you’re gone.”
His body was burning, racing toward a precipice that he hadn’t fallen over with another person in forever. Devan let his eyes slip closed and enjoyed the hot rush of pleasure seeping into every inch of his body. It was too much and he’d been without this touch for too long to keep from coming. His body shook as Eli showed him that he hadn’t forgotten exactly how he liked to be touched.
His entire world froze as the first waves of pleasure slammed into him. Devan didn’t try to stop his shouts of pleasure as hot come spurted across his stomach. Eli didn’t let up, didn’t slow down. His thrusts intensified, and he pounded into Devan hard. His roar filled the room, echoed inside Devan’s head and reverberated in his body.
Finally, Eli stopped and fell forward to cover Devan once more.
They didn’t speak for a while. Eli finally slipped from Devan’s body and slid to the side so the entirety of his weight wasn’t on him. Devan rolled so his head rested above Eli’s heart; the pounding of their hearts eventually slowed, and weariness began to take him over.
“I better get cleaned up.” Eli kissed the top of Devan’s head.
“M’kay.” As long as he didn’t have to go anywhere, then he was fine.
Eli moved him over and padded off to the bathroom. Devan was only vaguely aware of the splash of water in the sink and the heavy thud of Eli returning.
“Let me take care of you.” Eli manhandled him, wiping come and lube from his body before pulling down the blankets on the bed. “Climb in.”
Devan didn’t think, didn’t worry about what would happen tomorrow. Right then, in that moment, he was going to sleep with the man of his dreams. Within seconds of Eli climbing into bed beside him, Devan drifted off.
For the first time in months, Eli was happy. His body was sore from the battery of intense training he’d undergone over the past month, but mentally he was clearhea
ded and ready to tackle Caulfield and everything that came after.
His soul was at peace.
This morning, he’d woken up with Devan curled against his side, as though he hadn’t been missing from his bed for years. Matthew had woken him up, not with screams or cries, but with an unfamiliar babble. Eli had gotten up as quietly as he could, letting Devan have a chance to sleep in. He’d made an attempt at changing Matthew’s diaper—though he ripped one of the little tabs off and had to start over—and fed him his bottle. The simplicity of providing the basic needs of life for another human being touched a part deep inside him. The anger and loneliness were gone as he held Matthew and watched him.
This was what he’d been missing out on since leaving Devan. It was wonderful.
“Shit!”
There was a thump upstairs that had both him and Matthew looking. “I think your daddy is awake.”
“Shit, shit, shit.” Devan flew down the stairs, his uniform half on. “I have to be at work in an hour.”
“Good morning to you too, sexy.”
Matthew stuck out his tongue.
“I need to get him changed—”
“Done.”
“And fed—”
“Done.”
Devan blinked at him. “Wow, this is a new thing for me. Ah, I still have to drop him off at the sitter’s. Unless you can watch him today?”
“I can’t. I need to get to the gym for a quick workout before I have to prep for the interview tonight.”
“That’s on TV, right?” Devan blushed. “I’ve never actually watched one of those things before.”
“Yup. It’s online as well.”
“I’ll have to check it out. See if there are any hot MMA fighters on tonight.” Devan’s eyes sparkled, and Eli couldn’t help but laugh.
“Nope, all ugly mugs from getting the crap kicked out of them.” He handed Matthew over to Devan. “He’s ready to rock. Can I help with anything else?”
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