Some Hearts

by Meg Jolie

  From nowhere, Casey’s words floated through my head. You two could call it quits from now until the end of the end of the year. You could see where things go. I know you think Noah’s the love of your life, but do you really know who else is out there?

  Her statement caused me a moment of panic, and yet, I knew there was some truth to her words. It was a conflicting statement. Why wonder who else is out there when you know you already have the best there is?

  I hadn’t talked to him since yesterday. I wondered if he was feeling as unsettled as I was. We just needed to spend some time together I assured myself. The holidays were coming up. He’d be home for them, and for the entire extended winter break. Maybe that’s all we needed to get our relationship back on track.

  In the meantime, it wouldn’t hurt to put another visit on the calendar. It would give us both something to look forward to. I pulled out my phone. I scrolled through my planner. It was mostly filled with assignments and due dates. Here and there were times Mom had asked me to work. I had the following weekend free.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose for a moment, trying to think. I hated the idea of leaving Tyler alone. But dammit, that should be Mom’s responsibility. I could always see if Caleb could help out, though that thought made me feel guilty. I realized I’d been relying on him way too much lately.

  Maybe I could call Jack’s mom. She would probably be willing to let Tyler spend the weekend with them. Though how I would manage to ask her that, without explaining why I needed the help, I didn’t know.

  I could work out the details later.

  I couldn’t stand the way Noah and I had left things. Not just concerning Amanda, but everything. He knew something was going on in my life. It was time I tell him. I didn’t want him to think I was pulling away from him on purpose. It wasn’t fair to keep things from him and expect him to be okay with that. When I saw him next, I would tell him everything. I’d tell him about Mom, her drinking, how it had gotten completely out of control. I would admit to him that I felt completely in over my head.

  No matter how helpless it made me feel.

  His phone rang so many times that I was preparing myself for voicemail.

  When he finally answered, he sounded hesitant.

  “Just a second,” he said into the phone. I could hear loud music pulsating in the background. Of course, he was out with friends. It was the weekend. The music faded and his voice became clearer. “Are you still there?” he asked.

  “I’m here. Do you have a few minutes to talk? Or were you in the middle of something?”

  “Uh…I can talk.”

  His voice sounded strange. Not quite slurred but I could tell he’d been drinking. Girls’ laughter broke out somewhere in the background. I had no way of knowing if one of those girls was Amanda.

  I hated this, being so far away. Not knowing what was going on. I hated feeling so disconnected. Did he feel the same? ’Cause it majorly sucked. Even worse, the school year wasn’t even half over. I squeezed my eyes shut, wondering how much worse things were going to get. If I felt like this already, where were we going to be a month from now? Five months from now? Seven months?

  The end of the school year seemed like a lifetime away.

  “I don’t like how we left things the other day,” I told him.

  He cleared his throat. “Yeah, this long distance thing pretty much sucks.”

  His words took me by surprise. Noah was always the one who tried to see the bright side. I wasn’t prepared for him to start the conversation on a negative note. Maybe the alcohol was lowering his inhibitions, letting him say things he’d normally hold back.

  “It sure does,” I agreed.

  “These are our college years. We’re supposed to be having fun, living it up. I’m trying to have fun but it’s hard. I feel like I just sit around missing you all the damn time. Even when I’m out, I’m missing you. Like tonight, Justin’s here with his girlfriend. All these guys are here with their girls and I’m just…”

  I tried swallowing down the growing lump of dread that had climbed into my throat. It wouldn’t budge. Here it was, the conversation I’d been dreading above all else.

  “What?” I asked quietly. Was that why he’d been drinking? Had he been trying to drink his bad mood away?

  “I knew this would be hard,” Noah said. “This long distance thing. But I didn’t think it would be this hard. I’m trying but I feel you pulling away from me. I know something else is going on with you. I hate that you won’t talk to me. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”

  “I’m not pulling away,” I insisted. “In fact, I’m calling because I want to come see you next weekend. Is that okay?”

  I can’t do this anymore… What exactly was he talking about?

  “I want you here now,” Noah said. His tone sounded belligerent.

  “Hey, Noah, are you coming back? It’s your turn to roll. I can refill your beer for you.”

  I grimaced at the sound of the female voice. His turn to roll? Refill his beer? I’d caught him in the middle of a drinking game.

  Fanfuckingtastic.

  “I don’t think so,” he said. “Count me out of this round. I’ll be back to play the next one.”

  “Is that Amanda?” I demanded. That horrible ache in my stomach intensified. Was he getting drunk with her?

  “No,” he said in a flat tone. “It’s Laura, Justin’s girlfriend. I’m not allowed to talk to Amanda. Remember? You should remember. Because things have been awkward as hell the last few days. She knows I’m avoiding her and it’s not like I can tell her why. And that totally sucks too because I like talking to her.”

  “Do you like her?” I wasn’t sure where that question had even come from.

  “I don’t want to do this over the phone.”

  That was not the answer that I’d been expecting.

  “Noah? Do what over the phone?”

  “I don’t want to talk about Amanda with you,” he said quietly.

  “What’s there to talk about?” I asked. My tone had taken on a higher than usual pitch. “That girl has been manipulating you. Don’t you see that?”

  “You don’t know that. You don’t know her. You met her for what? Like fifteen seconds?”

  “It was long enough,” I assured him. “Girls like her like to prove that they can get whatever they want. And she wants you. It was all over her face when she showed up at your dorm.”

  “She’s a nice girl.” I snorted out a sarcastic laugh. “And she’s gotten to be a good friend. She’s really—”

  “If you’re even thinking about defending her to me,” I grated out after cutting him off, “or talking her up to me, just stop right now.”

  I was met with silence. I could hear him breathing on the other end of the line. So, what…? If he couldn’t defend Amanda, he had nothing else to say to me? How in the hell was I supposed to take that?

  This phone call was supposed to fix things. Not make them worse. Now, my head and heart were filled with even more fear than they had been before.

  “Do you have feelings for her?” I asked as I squeezed my eyes shut.

  “It’s complicated. Let’s not do this now,” Noah said. He sounded surprisingly sober all of a sudden.

  “Do what?” I demanded. “Break up? Why not? I mean, why would you bother to come home for this when you haven’t bothered to come home for anything else?” I said the words, not really meaning him. I wanted him to tell me I was being ridiculous. I wanted him to say of course we weren’t going to break up. That it was the farthest thing from his mind.

  He didn’t do that.

  “That’s not fair,” he shot at me.

  My heart twisted, contracted, tightened until it felt ready to implode. I had started this, whether I’d meant to or not. Now the question was gnawing away at my insides. I needed an answer before the not-knowing at me alive.

  “Life’s not fair, Noah. Do. You. Like. Her? It’s a yes o
r no question.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Then explain it. I have time. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to keep up.”

  “I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore,” he said in a shaky voice. “You and me? Things feel different than they used to. They don’t feel right. It feels like it’s getting worse and I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. I want to be with someone who trusts me, who confides in me. I want to be with someone who I can talk about anything with.”

  “You think Amanda is that person?” Had he talked to her about me? Had he shared our problems?

  I was met with more silence…and it was deafening.

  I leaned against my wall and slid down to the floor. An agonizing numbness began to course through my veins. Tears were building up painfully behind my closed eyelids.

  “Just answer me,” I whispered. “Do you have feelings for her?”

  I heard him swallow on the other end of the line. Then he said the word that shattered my heart into a million pieces. “Yes.”

  It felt like countless minutes passed as we sat silent, other than our labored, pained breathing.

  “Is she there? At the party?”

  “Yes,” he said softly. “But other than saying ‘hi’ I’ve kept my distance.”

  Was that supposed to make me feel better? It didn’t.

  “Emory,” Noah finally said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened.”

  “I do,” I said, my voice tight with the strain of holding back tears. “She’s been trying to come between us. Congratulations. You let her.”

  “That’s not true,” Noah argued. “You know things have been strained between us. She had nothing to do with that.”

  “No, maybe not. But I can guarantee that she used it to her advantage. Do you really think you dropped your phone that night? And even if you did, when she answered, she could’ve told me that you dropped it. She didn’t do that. She made it sound like you were with her. And don’t tell me I misunderstood, because I didn’t. And why didn’t she tell you that I’d called?”

  “Maybe she forgot. Or maybe she figured I’d be talking to you soon, anyway,” he suggested.

  “Showing up at your dorm, when you told her I’d be there? When you told her not to?”

  “She was dropping off my book, Emory. She was just being nice. She was trying to help me out.”

  I scrubbed my hand over my face and expelled a shaky breath. What if he was right? What if I was wrong? What if my insecurities pushed him straight to her?

  “So…,” Noah said in a strained voice. “Where does this leave us?”

  A sarcastic laugh fell from my mouth. “You just told me you have feelings for another girl. Where do you think that leaves us?” I didn’t let him finish. “You know, there is something going on with me. I’m sorry that I haven’t told you but it’s something I’ve been struggling with. I was going to talk to you about it next weekend. That’s why I called and why I wanted to see if you were free.” I wanted him to know that I did trust him, but that I’d just needed more time.

  “Let’s talk about it now.”

  I laughed at the ridiculousness of his statement but my laughter was full of tears that had just started to fall. “Do you really think I want to talk to you now? After what you just said? The only thing I have left to say is something that should be completely obvious after this conversation…We’re over.”

  My finger hit the button that ended the call. It was like watching it happen in a bad dream, a nightmare. It felt as if I had no control over the actions of my body.

  My chest hitched with the sound of my strangled breath.

  How in the hell had this night gone so incredibly wrong?

  ***

  I stared at my phone resting at the edge of my bed. I hadn’t meant to hang up on him. In the past, he would’ve called me back. I tossed around the idea of calling him back…but what was the point?

  He had feelings for someone else. What was I supposed to say to that? Was I supposed to just forget he said it? Did he even want me to forget? Or did he want this break-up?

  The silence of my phone told me that he did.

  I needed to talk to someone. I called Riley, before remembering she was at work. I hung up before realizing I should’ve left a voicemail. A few minutes later, I called her back so I could leave a message.

  Just in case she didn’t have time to check her messages, I decided to send a text. That was probably what I should’ve done in the first place.

  Nearly fifteen minutes later, she called me back.

  “Emory, sweetie, what’s wrong?”

  I wasn’t usually so insistent in trying to get a hold of her.

  “I told you, you didn’t need to call until your shift was over,” I said.

  “I know but I kind of got the impression something is going on,” she said hurriedly. “I’ve just got a minute or two.”

  I knew she’d be swamped on a Friday night. I never should’ve called. But now I had her on the phone and I knew she wasn’t going to let me go until I told her what was wrong.

  “Tell me what happened,” she demanded.

  I didn’t want to blurt it out. But I had called her. Every second I wasted was more time I was taking her away from her job and her tips.

  “Noah and I broke up.” There, like tearing off a Band-Aid. Only a million times more painful.

  “Hang on just a second,” she told me. Then her muffled voice came across the line. “I know you’re swamped,” I heard her mutter to someone, “but if you could refill table five’s drinks and take table seven’s order, I’ll give you the tips from both.” There was some more muttering in the background and I felt guilty about the deal she’d just made.

  “What happened?” she demanded as her attention was redirected to me. “Is this because of that girl, Amanda? You have to know she’s just playing you. Did she do something? You can’t let her get away with this! Don’t let her come between you two!” She stopped her monologue and pulled in a breath.

  “That’s not what happened. I mean, it is about Amanda. But more than that it’s about Noah.”

  “I’m listening,” she prodded. “But whatever happened, I’m sure you misunderstood. Girls like her…,” She let out a little growl.

  “Noah has feelings for her.” I was met with silence. “He said so.”

  “He did not.”

  I pulled in a pained breath. I wasn’t going to repeat myself.

  “What the hell,” she muttered. “I can’t believe this. I’m so sorry. Let me see if I can get someone to cover for me. I wonder if Jenna would—”

  “No,” I cut her off. “You don’t need to. I’ll be okay. I think I just needed to tell someone.”

  “Tomorrow then?” she demanded. “I’ll come over first thing.”

  “Sure,” I agreed.

  She was quiet for just a second. “I really am sorry, Emory. I hope it all works out.”

  I thanked her and we disconnected.

  This wasn’t just a misunderstanding or manipulation on Amanda’s part. He had feelings for her. How deep those feelings ran, I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. He said he’d been keeping his distance. But what did that mean for tonight? Had I just given him the green light to pursue her? I was pretty sure I had. I’d just cut him loose. He was hundreds of miles away. He was free to do whatever with whomever he wanted.

  Was he already with her?

  Agony flowed through me.

  I couldn’t sit around in my room, locked up with my thoughts.

  In seconds, I was bounding down the staircase. Tyler was in front of the TV playing a video game. Mom glanced up at me from her spot on the couch. One hand was tucked behind her bent knee. She was probably clutching a glass of wine.

  At the moment, I couldn’t bring myself to care.

  I shoved my feet into my shoes and grabbed my keys.

  I left without saying a word.

  Chapter SIXTEEN

&
nbsp; “Noah and I broke up,” I said without preamble when Caleb opened his door.

  He gaped at me in silence. Yeah, it was a bit shocking. I knew how he felt.

  Wordlessly, he stepped back, allowing me in.

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” he finally said. “You doing okay?”

  “Just peachy,” I mumbled.

  “You’re right. That was a stupid as shit question.”

  I stopped mid-step when I realized a pair of strange eyes were gazing up at me from Caleb’s couch. He had company. I noted a few beer bottles on the coffee table and a race of some sort on the TV.

  I took a step back. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve called first. Of course you’re busy.”

  I really needed to stop dropping in on Caleb. Just because I never witnessed his life outside of Ty and me, didn’t mean he didn’t have one. Of course he did.

  “I’m Paul,” the guy on the couch said. “Come on in, have a seat.”

  I gave him a halfhearted wave. He smirked back, his gaze raking over me.

  “Yeah. No,” Caleb said firmly as he snapped his fingers in front of Paul’s face. “Eyes up here, buddy.”

  Paul huffed out a laugh.

  Caleb nodded toward the door. “Why don’t you head out? Maybe I’ll catch up to you later.”

  I was surprised when Paul didn’t argue. Instead, he got up, gave Caleb a wink and slapped him on the back. “I get it. You want some privacy.”

  “Dude,” Caleb growled. “That’s Evan’s sister.”

  Paul’s grin fell from his face as he looked at me again. This time, all I saw was sympathy. I found myself wishing Caleb hadn’t pointed that out.

  “Oh, sorry,” he mumbled. “Evan was a great guy. We all miss him a lot.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled back because I felt I had to say something.

  “So, hey, you know where we’ll be if you want to catch up with us,” Paul said to Caleb.

  “Yeah, maybe I’ll see you later,” Caleb replied.

  He ushered Paul out of the living room. I heard them talking but couldn’t make out what they were saying. A few moments later the door opened and closed.

  “You should go with him,” I said when he came back into the living room. “You obviously have plans.”